Good for you, OP. It sounds very difficult. Just remember that you are not responsible for DH"s choices for his health, but you are responsible for your daughters. Your husband is actively harming your daughter, so you must take strong action. Its terrific that you spoke with her about healthy food and the changes you will make. I have a few more suggestions, too, since it will be inevitable to her that there is conflict around this issue between you and your husband. She isold enough to hear that you disagree with her dad and that you are also worried about him and his health and that he has to take medicine for it and he would be healthier too if he ate more nutritiously. You can explain that he is having a hard time letting go of the junk food, but that she—your daughter—is old enough to make good decisions. Then, I would encourage you to go grocery shopping with your daughter, find a kids cook book and choose some dishes to make together. Themore you can involve her in making good choices and having control over eating well, the less control your husband will have. (also, in our home we have younger kids, but use the phrase ‘mission nutrition’—we certainly have dessert and sugar, but I tell my kids that we need all kinds of food in our tummies to be strong and healthy,and that we need lots of somekinds and only a little bit of others so that we will feel better. Of course, we also model that which is harder in your case if your husband sabotages the efforts).

Finally, I would definitely make an appointment for you and your husband to visit the pediatrician together. Lay it out for the doctor plainly.

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. There was a big blow up between her father and I about this today. He says he likes to give her good food and he doesn't mind if she's overweight. He thinks it's unfair to him to be told to keep junk food elsewhere. He says we should tell her to make better choices. She does need to understand nutrition, but I don't want to dump the responsibility of all of that on an 11 year old.

This conversation is beyond unreasonable. I'm going to go see her pediatrician and figure out what to do with her. Will her pediatrician meet with me without my daughter present? Has anyone done this before?

OP, I am really sorry for all this. Just a question: do you think some of this conflict is just him wanting the junk in the house for himself and not wanting to deprive himself of his treats? That he's maybe more self-centered and gluttonous than anything else? And that your daughter isn't really the target, but just collateral damage to his desire to have lots of crap in the house for himself? Your poor daughter. 11 is such a common age to put on extra pounds from a bad diet - if you aren't genetically blessed, you suddenly lose that little kid metabolism and your outdoor playtime diminishes a lot after elementary school.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds vaguely Munchauser-control freakish.

Me or her dad?

Sounds vaguely Munchauser-control freakish.

OP here again. I really appreciate the advice and thoughts you guys have offered.

Anonymous wrote:Op, is he inappropriate with your daughter in other ways? Do you trust him as a parent overall?

I'm not sure what you mean. He's yelled at her and slammed things for small infractions and misunderstandings. That's why he's in counseling. I'm not going to let that happen anymore. He stops or we leave.

I want to discuss this issue with the pediatrician too. I'm slightly worried she's going to hear the word "abuse" and contact CPS, but I need her help and a referral to a counselor for my daughter.

OP, I had a similar struggle with my DH. When my daughter's bloodwork came back with concerns and we were referred to a specialist I realized I couldn't let it continue. I insisted my DH come to every doctor's appointment. The doctors are trained in giving this kind of advice, and he listened to them more than he ever listened to me. They gave me some handouts and I taped them to the fridge. We still have issues, but now I can remind him about what the doctor said and he'll back down. It's hard, but you have to do it for your daughter. Nobody deserves early diabetes, heart disease, and all the issues that come along with childhood obesity.

Op, is he inappropriate with your daughter in other ways? Do you trust him as a parent overall?

Here is the perspective of an adult that was in your daughter's shoes. I was told to make better choices nutritionally, and even exercised with my parents occasionally, but there was so much junk in the house I couldn't resist. I really, really wish my parents had kept the junk at a minimum. I'm now a fit adult that feeds my kids better if that gives you hope.

Physician who poster earlier. Yes, OP. Pediatricians are, above all, children's advocates. She'll/he'll be happy to do it. When you call for the appt, recognize that office staff are trained to cut time/costs in this era, and may try to schedule it on the phone or connect you with the office nurse. Any of these options may work well; office nurses can be great resources. If you prefer an appt however, be firm that you would like to come in and speak to the doctor. Good luck. This is a tough one and you are doing a great job advocating for your little girl. The grown woman that she will become will love you for it.

OP here again. There was a big blow up between her father and I about this today. He says he likes to give her good food and he doesn't mind if she's overweight. He thinks it's unfair to him to be told to keep junk food elsewhere. He says we should tell her to make better choices. She does need to understand nutrition, but I don't want to dump the responsibility of all of that on an 11 year old.

This conversation is beyond unreasonable. I'm going to go see her pediatrician and figure out what to do with her. Will her pediatrician meet with me without my daughter present? Has anyone done this before?

Anonymous wrote:How often are you home for dinner, OP? If you could be home, say 2X mid-week, then Saturday and Sunday and you make those healthy meals with healthy dessert after, then you could let DD know that it's okay to eat fast food with Dad those other nights. If she is eating healthy breakfast and lunch 7 days per week and healthy dinners 4 days per week, and she is active, then I think it's fine to let go of three nights. It might help your Dh feel like he's "winning" and you could also open a discussion with DD about balance, treats, etc. Go through a DQ menu and look at different calorie counts, etc. She is old enough to be having an ongoing discussion about how nutrition works (maconutrient balance, caloric content, filling foods vs empty carbs, and so on).

I see what you're saying. I don't think healthy dinners a few days a week with make much of a difference in calorie intake if 250-400 calorie snacks are available to her every day.

What I don't want to do is make her mental about having to choose between donuts and strawberries. If better snacks are available, it should make it easier. I'm concerned about her feeling shame and hiding her eating, which I've seen other children do and the consequences of it.

How often are you home for dinner, OP? If you could be home, say 2X mid-week, then Saturday and Sunday and you make those healthy meals with healthy dessert after, then you could let DD know that it's okay to eat fast food with Dad those other nights. If she is eating healthy breakfast and lunch 7 days per week and healthy dinners 4 days per week, and she is active, then I think it's fine to let go of three nights. It might help your Dh feel like he's "winning" and you could also open a discussion with DD about balance, treats, etc. Go through a DQ menu and look at different calorie counts, etc. She is old enough to be having an ongoing discussion about how nutrition works (maconutrient balance, caloric content, filling foods vs empty carbs, and so on).

Anonymous wrote:The sports has been an ongoing thing. I have signed her up for several sports in the last 2 years. She finished all of them, but she didn't care to continue any. We recently found the sport she loves and she's doing it. I signed her up for 2 classes a week and she's adding daily exercise so she can build the little bit of muscle she needs to do well.

I have been asking for him to change his habits or to let me take over the shopping responsibility or for several years. Trying to get anything away from someone with serious control issues is very difficult and the entire house has to deal with the fallout. He was angry that I did the shopping yesterday, but hasn't said anything about it after storming out.

I precooked and preportioned meals for most days this week. I cut up the fruits that can be precut and portioned them in individual servings. I'd love to be there to monitor snacks and cook dinner every night of the week, but it isn't possible. I'm doing what I can do on the weekends. I've been feeding her breakfast and packing her lunch with her every morning since the fall. It's snacks, dinner and desserts that are a ridiculous amount of empty calories.

Her and I talked about it yesterday. I told her I would be doing the shopping because I want her to have healthy foods. We discussed the things she eats that I won't be buying and what we're going to replace it with. She seemed relieved when I told her eating more whole foods and less junk will improve her energy level. I did not bring up weight. My mother was a freak about weight when I was young and it was awful. We're focusing on eating and exercising so she has the strength and energy to do the things she wants to do.

I am worried about him trying to sabotage these efforts with Dairy Queen runs and other bullshit. I'll figure out how to deal with that. I'd be thrilled to hear suggestions if anyone has some.

Thanks, everyone.

This is a great way to get your daughter on board. If you can show her how to eat healthier foods for "energy" instead of the junk foods that her dad is pushing, and she then feels the energy boost from eating healthier, hopefully that will convince her to eat the more wholesome choices.

Then when dad offers her dairy queen, etc. on the nights that you work late, you won't have to fight dad because your daughter will finally be disciplined enough to tell dad no to the junk food (occasional junk food and Dairy Queen runs are part of tweenhood, so hopefully she could still join dad sometimes or you could do that as a family).

Dr. Robert Lustig's ' Fat Chance: beating the odds against sugar, processed food, obesity and disease' was an eye opener for me. We have implemented several suggestions from the book and I'm looking forward to seeing the results at my next blood test.