Anonymous
Post 04/23/2014 14:40     Subject: dating as a 40+ single mom
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I'm a man. I have no children of my own.


What was your goal when you married your ex? Did you even discuss patenting her son? Did you want to parent him? Did you want a child with her?


My goal was to be in a loving partnership.

We definitely discussed parenting her son; we went to pre-marital counseling and had worked out, at least in verbal commitments, a bunch of 'ground rules' for how things would work.

I did not particularly want to parent him, nor did my ex, her ex or her child want me to parent him.

I did want a child with her, but we were unable to. I do wonder how much that would have changed things.

However: her child was not in and of himself an issue; the issue had more to do with her relationship with me, and that she made it very very clear she would always prioritize him ahead of me, even when there was no competing claim or need to prioritize anyone.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2014 10:11     Subject: Re:dating as a 40+ single mom
"Because when you have full custody, you do drop off and pick up. Add in commutes, and you can squeeze in your 8.5 hours and still make pickup. To take extra time is to require a sitter. Or you have to be rich enough to have a nanny or au pair who will be willing to do the extra hours. You also tend not to know the other moms at daycare or aftercare enough to be able to trade caregiving on a random day. I knew a few daycare parents, but now my son's in K, I really don't know any of the parents at all. Never have the opportunity to see them.

If you're getting enough child support to be able to fart around when your kids are in school or in paid care, the dad probably also takes them sometimes so you can get out. But with no CS or father in the picture, you have to make it work to stay well employed. "

This was class-ist of me. I'm a professional, so as long as I get my work done, I can take a long lunch once in a while with no repercussions (and I do!). If you're a lower level employee who must clock a certain amount of time daily, I can see your point. My overall point was that if I were single, I wouldn't let time constraints from kids and job deter me. Then again, I have a high sex drive and high desire for romantic intimacy, so I prioritize having a relationship more highly than other women.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2014 08:23     Subject: dating as a 40+ single mom
Anonymous wrote:42 divorced woman ith kid here. Those guys saying they don't have to date single moms like me are not woman haters, they are realistic. One of the PPs said early in this forum that most men around here have a choice to date younger women bc there are just so many of them here. Period. The ones I date are the ones who are not as desirable to the younger women bc of their looks and because of their baggage, I.e. kids from prior marriage. And I am an attractive woman. Body is not perfect bc having a kid made my mid section flabbier with extra ski, but I am definitlyn decent looking. Not easy out there at all.


That hasn't been my experience, and I'm not a supermodel. There's a good chance that the men who would rather date women under 30 are not on my radar. You've seen this in your circle of friends or this is your personal experience?
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2014 07:56     Subject: dating as a 40+ single mom
Anonymous wrote:42 divorced woman ith kid here. Those guys saying they don't have to date single moms like me are not woman haters, they are realistic. One of the PPs said early in this forum that most men around here have a choice to date younger women bc there are just so many of them here. Period. The ones I date are the ones who are not as desirable to the younger women bc of their looks and because of their baggage, I.e. kids from prior marriage. And I am an attractive woman. Body is not perfect bc having a kid made my mid section flabbier with extra ski, but I am definitlyn decent looking. Not easy out there at all.


I suppose I was just reacting to that particular poster, who posts hateful threads about women constantly, painting all women with one very negative, broad brush. He loathes women and uses this forum to express that.
Someone must have really, really hurt him.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2014 07:52     Subject: dating as a 40+ single mom
Anonymous wrote:42 divorced woman ith kid here. Those guys saying they don't have to date single moms like me are not woman haters, they are realistic. One of the PPs said early in this forum that most men around here have a choice to date younger women bc there are just so many of them here. Period. The ones I date are the ones who are not as desirable to the younger women bc of their looks and because of their baggage, I.e. kids from prior marriage. And I am an attractive woman. Body is not perfect bc having a kid made my mid section flabbier with extra ski, but I am definitlyn decent looking. Not easy out there at all.


But most young women don't want to date men in their 40s. They want to date men their own age because older men often have kids or baggage from divorce, and are just in a different stage if life.
And deservedly or not, men over 40 who have never married are regarded with suspicion.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2014 07:41     Subject: dating as a 40+ single mom
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am 41 and divorced with two kids. I found dating very difficult. I often met men at lunch or during the evenings my kids were with their dad...but weeding out the normal ones from the wackos or players is hard.

Some men want to be pen pals.
Some men just want sex.
Some have issues.

I have tried online dating and I have quit it.
I tried speed dating, meetup groups and going to bars.

Its very discouraging.


I just love the "entitled attitude" this kind of thread reflects.

Divorced 41 year old mom w/two kids still believes she is the "weeder outer" rather than the one being "weeded out" in the dating game.


There are so many. We can still be picky, especially because we already have children and, usually, financial stability.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2014 07:29     Subject: dating as a 40+ single mom
42 divorced woman ith kid here. Those guys saying they don't have to date single moms like me are not woman haters, they are realistic. One of the PPs said early in this forum that most men around here have a choice to date younger women bc there are just so many of them here. Period. The ones I date are the ones who are not as desirable to the younger women bc of their looks and because of their baggage, I.e. kids from prior marriage. And I am an attractive woman. Body is not perfect bc having a kid made my mid section flabbier with extra ski, but I am definitlyn decent looking. Not easy out there at all.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2014 23:55     Subject: dating as a 40+ single mom
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Obviously, your best bet will be with guys who understand your situation - divorced guys with kids. Maybe meeting them through kids' activities.


I'm a man. I have no children of my own.

I was married to someone who had a child from her previous marriage. I would never, ever, again marry a woman who had children from a previous relationship who hadn't yet left the nest. Period. My ex-wife was 42 when we got married and her son was in his late teens, and the child's father was very involved. I wasn't really expected to parent, and I got along well with the child and also her ex. However, it was painfully clear that I was not and never would be as important as the child. I have seen this happen to men with their own children, nevermind a step-child. I'm not up for taking care of someone else's problem thanks. And no, the step-child was not the cause of our divorce (me being taken for granted was).

I would date and have a casual relationship (including sex) with a single mom, but since most seem to want to find a replacement dad to complete the family (ie, a long term serious commitment and involvement), so I don't really even consider dating them since we really have different goals: it would be wrong to get someone's hopes up knowing I wouldn't want to follow through - that would be just using someone.

Dating a single parent is a logistical nightmare as well - the entire (adult) world has to yield to the less flexible moving parts: the kids. I hear some women in the comments here saying "gee, it's not worth $50 to just have coffee" - well, yes, 100% agree. It's also just coffee and it's not worth trying to work your whole damn schedule around the one 30 minute block in the two week window when single mom can get free. I get it - it's a totally legit demand on your time - but it's also totally the limitations on what single moms are offering (hint: not much, after they give of themselves to their kids).

Other than the reality that most single dads wind up with fewer custody hours, I think single fathers are basically the same. And since they have a balancing/competing claim on their priorities/time, it's much easier to say "hey, your kid's time demands do not trump my (kid's) time demands.".

This all sounds a little bitter, and I'm not at all bitter and I actually feel very much for these women who are under super-hero pressure: be a full time parent, full time earner AND somehow try to avoid being totally isolated while you do it, but beyond meeting other single parents - people in the same, shared state of life - your pickings are going to be very very slim.


What was your goal when you married your ex? Did you even discuss patenting her son? Did you want to parent him? Did you want a child with her?
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2014 23:48     Subject: Re:dating as a 40+ single mom
Wow, this is so depressing. I am only 31 and better hurry while I am still young and hot lol
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2014 23:18     Subject: dating as a 40+ single mom
i think if dating is a priority to you, you find a way to make room for it in your life. just as with working out and everything else. i say this from experience.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2014 22:41     Subject: dating as a 40+ single mom
RHinVA wrote:Okay, this may be totally naive, but why can't you meet at a park with your kids on the weekends? If it's just coffee, getting to know you, I do that chit-chat with strangers all the time at playgrounds, lessons, etc. The kids don't have to know it's a date, right? You could just pretend to randomly meet this guy at the park. If he's weird, then he doesn't know where you live or anything, right?


doing a chit-chat with strangers at the park is different, the problem with trying to 'sneak' in a date is that kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for being. while they may not know it's a date they do know something is going on. that's not something I would want to expose my daughter to especially at her age. I'll introduce her to a woman when we more than just serious as I want my DD to know, see and really understand what a loving, respectful and mature relationship actually is - not for her to see her dad flirting (which I do somewhat shamelessly when I'm alone) or prancing around with different flavors of the month.

maybe it's just me but the only thing I'd do in front of my DD is carry on a friendly conversation - if I'm interested in the woman, I have no problem asking her for her number so that we can have a proper first date (even if it's just a more typical meet-and-greet) as two adults w/o the kids. It's worked so far as I haven't been turned down and have gotten more numbers than I cared to receive.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2014 22:09     Subject: dating as a 40+ single mom
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm 45 with full custody and no family in the area. What's dating again?

I know I could probably do something online, but the cost of a sitter for an exploratory "how nice to meet you -- I've seen your profile" coffee/dinner is just not something I'm willing to take on. Don't want to spend $50+ making small talk with a stranger -- might be willing to do it with someone I kind of already know (met at work, etc), but not to go back on the online treadmill.


Why wouldn't you meet for coffee or lunch while your child/ren is/are in school or daycare? I'm 45 and married, but if I were single, that's what I would do. I can't imagine not having a love life just because I had kids.


Because when you have full custody, you do drop off and pick up. Add in commutes, and you can squeeze in your 8.5 hours and still make pickup. To take extra time is to require a sitter. Or you have to be rich enough to have a nanny or au pair who will be willing to do the extra hours. You also tend not to know the other moms at daycare or aftercare enough to be able to trade caregiving on a random day. I knew a few daycare parents, but now my son's in K, I really don't know any of the parents at all. Never have the opportunity to see them.

If you're getting enough child support to be able to fart around when your kids are in school or in paid care, the dad probably also takes them sometimes so you can get out. But with no CS or father in the picture, you have to make it work to stay well employed.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2014 21:51     Subject: dating as a 40+ single mom
I have noticed that some women who have bald or balding dads don't like bald guys. I can kind of see if you have a hard time seeing "bald" as "sexual" if you've always associated "bald" with "dad."

I think bald can be sexy, and balding is no biggie. Then again, my dad has a seriously thick head of hair (at age 68), so for me, bald doesn't remind me of dad.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2014 18:02     Subject: dating as a 40+ single mom
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It is always easy anywhere for women to meet men. Let's be serious here. If you go online, you will find them.


Written by a man...


sure, but how is this not the truth??


It's true if she's of better than average attractiveness. it's not true if she's not.


expectations need to be commensurate with degree of attractiveness. it's when expectations and desires are wildly off base that women end up so frustrated and racked with despondency.


This. If a woman is "average" then she has to lower the bar a bit. Same for guys. But an "average" woman in her 40s may have to accept that pudgy, balding men in their 40s are her equivalent. Sure, you can aim higher. But if you consistently have the bar too high, you're going to feel like there's Nobody Out There.


As I have posted before, why is balding considered an insult? I am in very good shape, funny, and highly active. Yes, my hair is not what it used to be but that's not my fault.


I think that's from hair restoration companies. Balding guys, especially the ones with shaved heads are HOT!
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2014 17:22     Subject: dating as a 40+ single mom
In my late 20's, I dated a single mom. My parents were not crazy about the idea. But love isn't predictable - you meet someone, talk for hours, and start falling for the person. It was very different for me to have to deal with her child and ex, who actually was a decent guy. OP, we broke up for reasons that had nothing to do with her status as a mom. But as a PP mentioned, there are men out there who would welcome a woman with children into their life. Maybe they have been too busy at work? Fond of their nieces/nephews but haven't met the right person? Feel that a woman they have met, and who happens to have kids, is a unique person, etc.

Hang in there, do things you like, live your life. There will be love for you if you believe in it.