OP, please update us and let us know how this conversation goes.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are not sending our son. I'm waiting to tell FIL in person when he is here visiting the first weekend of May. We don't talk to him via phone all that often and he's usually distracted -- I want to make it clear why we aren't sending him. FIL really believes in the patriarchy and the Grandpa Rules the Family bit, so I'm actually going to enjoy this JUST a little....

This guy sounds charming. Ugh.

Your husband is willing to let his father hit your son rather than stand up to his father and protect his son?

Wow.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are not sending our son. I'm waiting to tell FIL in person when he is here visiting the first weekend of May. We don't talk to him via phone all that often and he's usually distracted -- I want to make it clear why we aren't sending him. FIL really believes in the patriarchy and the Grandpa Rules the Family bit, so I'm actually going to enjoy this JUST a little....

I'm glad to hear it, OP.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are not sending our son. I'm waiting to tell FIL in person when he is here visiting the first weekend of May. We don't talk to him via phone all that often and he's usually distracted -- I want to make it clear why we aren't sending him. FIL really believes in the patriarchy and the Grandpa Rules the Family bit, so I'm actually going to enjoy this JUST a little....

Terrific! Please keep us updated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Kid reached for a light socket, her hand would get swatted and she would get re-directed."

Interesting. In my house Kid reached for a light socket, I would take her hand, say no, and redirect.

Never occurred to me to "swat" her.

Go ahead - Super Parent!

Never occured to me to judge over people's parenting.

I judge people who hit other people. Parents and non-parents alike.

NP here, me too. I don't judge if you feed your kid mcdonalds every day. I do if you "swat" as you like to put it. Love how these parents try to smooth it all over by saying they "swat". you hit. you're hitting. you're using physical punishment. don't try to make it into something else.

I am not trying to make it into something else or smooth anything over - I am not ashamed of it and I own it. When my kids were younger, I had many methods that I used to discipline them. That was one. Shrugs!

OP here. We are not sending our son. I'm waiting to tell FIL in person when he is here visiting the first weekend of May. We don't talk to him via phone all that often and he's usually distracted -- I want to make it clear why we aren't sending him. FIL really believes in the patriarchy and the Grandpa Rules the Family bit, so I'm actually going to enjoy this JUST a little....

I agree with the consensus here. I'm willing to relax the rules when my parents take care of my child, because I don't think it's a good idea to micro-manage their interactions, and because I trust them to take good care of her. Plus, grandparents should be able to spoil their grandkids, within reason. But something like spanking is a major parenting choice that other people really need to respect, and if someone told me that they would hit my kid, that person would not be alone with my child. Frankly, I'd feel the same about things like food allergies, car seats, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

This makes the case for not sending him even stronger.

No brainer to me. Do not send.

Don't send him.

I agree that "their house, their rules" with many things, e.g., bedtime, meals, etc., but not discipline.

My in-laws have offered to watch our kids for "camp" this summer, as they do for my nieces and nephews, but I don't like "their" rules, so we poliitely declined. This will be the 4th year in a row that we have declined. It is OK to say no.

Spanking would be an absolute non-starter for us. No way would I ever put my kid in a situation where s/he might be spanked. My kids are great, well-behaved kids, but they are kids, and particularly out of their own environment, I could see them doing something that a grandparent might deem to be "swat" worthy as they likely aren't used to being around children for extended periods of time.

In our situation, I refuse to send our children for far less severe issues: food. my in-laws are of the "there are starving children in this world" mentality and "eat everything on your plate." They focus so much on food. Both of my kids are rather thin and my in-laws seem to force feed them. My kids have severe food allergies and it has taken us a long time to get them to eat what they currently eat, and, in our house, we deemphasize food and mealtimes. Point being, I've kept my kids away for far less serious issues than hiting.

I know how difficult this is. My son is the youngest of the grandkids and has not spent any time alone at my parents' house, and probably won't, because for years I've heard my father tell the older grandkids "I'll kick your ass" and the like when they disrespect their mother. On one hand, she's a single mom and I think he wants to back her up and help strengthen her authority. On the other hand, I can't believe she lets this slide and I am absolutely not okay with it. I don't think he's ever actually spanked them, but he uses fear to make them behave. He used fear with us growing up too, spanking, yelling, nothing I would consider actually abusive, but we were compliant out of fear. I don't think it was good for any of us (none of us are incredibly confident as adults - we're good at standing up for ourselves "out in the world" but we're all a little crumbly on the inside) and I sure as hell won't be allowing it with my own kids. I think he knows better, but if he doesn't, he'll find out. I won't try to be diplomatic. It's not okay, the end.

Anonymous wrote:"So it's okay to make your child obese, giving then countless health problems for life, but not to give them a good whack when they need to learn a lesson fast and well? "

You've totally missed the point, Goober.

No hitting, just name calling and Big Macs?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

This makes the case for not sending him even stronger.

+1.

It should be "Our kid, our rules" - regardless of whether you are at your home or your in-laws. FIL needs to respect that. If he can't, kid can't stay with him. Period.

"So it's okay to make your child obese, giving then countless health problems for life, but not to give them a good whack when they need to learn a lesson fast and well? "

You've totally missed the point, Goober.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Kid reached for a light socket, her hand would get swatted and she would get re-directed."

Interesting. In my house Kid reached for a light socket, I would take her hand, say no, and redirect.

Never occurred to me to "swat" her.

Go ahead - Super Parent!

Never occured to me to judge over people's parenting.

I judge people who hit other people. Parents and non-parents alike.

NP here, me too. I don't judge if you feed your kid mcdonalds every day. I do if you "swat" as you like to put it. Love how these parents try to smooth it all over by saying they "swat". you hit. you're hitting. you're using physical punishment. don't try to make it into something else.

So it's okay to make your child obese, giving then countless health problems for life, but not to give them a good whack when they need to learn a lesson fast and well?