Anonymous
Post 04/03/2014 08:40     Subject: Do you get envious of women in happy marriages?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do you think it's true that when a couple has young children, they dislike each other most (or a lot) of the time? Anecdotally, it seems like this is the case.


Seems like that's the case on DCUM, but we have a 2.5yo and a 9mo, and we're sort of besotted with each other. I love my little guys, but my favorite thing in the world is curling up next to him to chat and watch tv after they've gone to bed. He honestly makes me a better person; I hope I do the same.


Same here, we have a 5 year old and a three year old and even when are sometimes over-exhausted and arguing, parenting with him is so much fun.


I'm guessing you both SAHM? The well defined roles for each parent makes for much easier relations, because there is a lot less negotiation, and overall a lot less labor to be done (since there is no WOHM job to be done A.T. A.L.L.). Most likely in this scenario, I'm assuming money is not an issue either, otherwise you would feel compelled to work.

To the husband's benefit, when the SAHM is home alone, they are generally interacting mostly with children and maybe other moms; DH is the first male they might really talk to all day, and this adult time seems even more special and fun and like a break from the day (rather than WOH where everyone has already had plenty of grown-up time).
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2014 08:23     Subject: Re:Do you get envious of women in happy marriages?
Anonymous wrote:I am in a happy marriage but would never ever give anyone marriage advice. I dont want to jinx what I have and who knows if it will always be this way. I read some of the posts in the Relationship forum and cannot believe half the stuff. I've had plenty of crappy relationships but pretty much knew immediately that these were not guys I wanted to have kids with. I got so lucky with my husband, so, so lucky.


+1
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2014 08:19     Subject: Re:Do you get envious of women in happy marriages?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have been jealous in the past, and totally empathize with people who are sad or lonely in their marriages. It is way less lonely to sit on a couch alone every night, than it is to sit next to someone on the same couch that is totally disconnected from you. I'd rather just enjoy the solitude of being alone than trying to connect with someone a million miles away.

I got engaged, started planning my wedding, then started to have reservations. Then I found out I was pregnant.

We decided to go through with the pregnancy, moved our wedding way up, and started our "life". Everything felt like it was on hyperdrive, and I was constantly mentally trying to S-L-O-W it all down, felt so overwhelmed, and was miserable for a long time in my marriage. Honestly, if it hadn't been for my DC, I would have walked my ass out the door without a backward glanceX10 everyday of our first 2 years of marriage. For the next 3 or so, I cannot say that I ever felt close to my DH or happy with my marriage. We still are so different in many ways. None of our issues stemmed from violent behavior, substance abuse, or emotional cruelty (those are true deal breakers and should be for everyone). But we were like angry, resentful ships in the night, and I thought we could never be happy. I was truly in a miserable, loveless, sexless (I'm talking at least a year between sex at times) marriage.

But i can truly say that i am very happy and fulfilled in my marriage today. We actually decided to have another DC after 6 years together, which most of the beginning of our marriage I would have bet was an impossibility. My DH makes me laugh everyday, I am happy to be his wife now, and I seriously love having our family. That doesn't mean he doesn't annoy the crap out of me at times too, but if we were able to weather the initial handful of years, I kind of feel like the rest becomes easier. I don't recommend this for everyone or anyone, because who knows what will happen. I only say all this to offer hope to people that still want to find love with their spouse (which I had almost zero interest in most of the time).

So what's my point? It's that I think it's rare for anyone to have a fully happy marriage from day one to the end. Everyone hits hideous rough patches. And you can truly find happiness in marriages that have been horribly unhappy at times.





I have a very similar story. Fell in love, became engaged, unexpectedly pregnant then EVERYTHING in the relationship went wrong. We both became monsters and ended the engagement. That being said we both did want to keep the baby and co-parent. When I was 5 mo pregnant we decided to move in together temporarily for the baby. We got back together, married, but were very rocky and resentful of each other for 3 years. We both were in absolute agreement that we were just a bad match for each other but continued forward for our LO's sake.

At some point between 4 and 5 years of marriage something just clicked. We were back to the levels of compatibility & happiness that we hadn't experienced since before we became engaged. We're madly in love now and have the relationship that many of you envy. Never would have expected this outcome 5 years ago.

Now that our LO is 6, we're considering having another.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 23:04     Subject: Do you get envious of women in happy marriages?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am happily married, no pretending here. I consider myself truly, truly lucky. Eight years now.


same here, but 5 years.


Your reply made me think.

We were very happily married at 5 years. Now at 14 things are sort of a different story. We're both highly committed to the relationship but I wouldn't say we're happy most of the time. Somewhere between about 8 and 12 things got HARD.
I'm not saying this will happen to you but I do think you're still in the honeymoon phases of the marriage.


Why does pp have to be in the honeymoon phase? Why can't some couples just be happy and others not say it's bc they aren't together long enough?


My parents were very happy at the 5 year mark. It was at about the 7 year mark that things got tense.

I'm not the PP to whom you are responding, but I think the point is that marriages, like people, tend to change over time. I imagine some get stronger, but some go sour. Sometimes people drift apart. Sometimes something dramatic happens. Sometimes people just get bored.

That's what is sort of ridiculous about this thread. I don't envy other people's marriages. I don't assume any marriage is a static thing.

I think I 5ave a good marriage. But I know that things can change. I hope my husband and I grow closer and that our marriage grows stronger over time, but I'm not naive enough to believe that it's a certainty, even though I know we're both pretty good people, committed, and pretty well matched. But I've seen similar marriages fall apart.

It's like everything else in life: You make the best decision you can given the information you have. You do your best to make it work. You try to live up to your promises/commitments. But then you let the chips fall where they will, understanding that not everything is within your control. It's useless to envy other married people.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 22:44     Subject: Re:Do you get envious of women in happy marriages?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have been jealous in the past, and totally empathize with people who are sad or lonely in their marriages. It is way less lonely to sit on a couch alone every night, than it is to sit next to someone on the same couch that is totally disconnected from you. I'd rather just enjoy the solitude of being alone than trying to connect with someone a million miles away.

I got engaged, started planning my wedding, then started to have reservations. Then I found out I was pregnant.

We decided to go through with the pregnancy, moved our wedding way up, and started our "life". Everything felt like it was on hyperdrive, and I was constantly mentally trying to S-L-O-W it all down, felt so overwhelmed, and was miserable for a long time in my marriage. Honestly, if it hadn't been for my DC, I would have walked my ass out the door without a backward glanceX10 everyday of our first 2 years of marriage. For the next 3 or so, I cannot say that I ever felt close to my DH or happy with my marriage. We still are so different in many ways. None of our issues stemmed from violent behavior, substance abuse, or emotional cruelty (those are true deal breakers and should be for everyone). But we were like angry, resentful ships in the night, and I thought we could never be happy. I was truly in a miserable, loveless, sexless (I'm talking at least a year between sex at times) marriage.

But i can truly say that i am very happy and fulfilled in my marriage today. We actually decided to have another DC after 6 years together, which most of the beginning of our marriage I would have bet was an impossibility. My DH makes me laugh everyday, I am happy to be his wife now, and I seriously love having our family. That doesn't mean he doesn't annoy the crap out of me at times too, but if we were able to weather the initial handful of years, I kind of feel like the rest becomes easier. I don't recommend this for everyone or anyone, because who knows what will happen. I only say all this to offer hope to people that still want to find love with their spouse (which I had almost zero interest in most of the time).

So what's my point? It's that I think it's rare for anyone to have a fully happy marriage from day one to the end. Everyone hits hideous rough patches. And you can truly find happiness in marriages that have been horribly unhappy at times.




Wow interesting. So do you have a teenager now and also a toddler? Sons or daughters? What is their relationship like? Fun I bet.


I have two daughters, the older one is 8 and the younger one is 1 (not sure if I was unclear but had first DD a very short time after we married and decided to have a second child 6 years later). My older DD loves being a big sister, although isn't thrilled when her little sister gets into her stuff. But she is mostly very sweet and nurturing, and of course the 1 year old (almost 2 now) thanks that her big sister is awesome and follows her everywhere. Never ever would have believed my DH and I could find happiness during those 4-5 years of misery we both slogged through, but am so very glad that he is my husband now.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 22:35     Subject: Re:Do you get envious of women in happy marriages?
We've been married 11 years and I hope my husband is as happy as I am. I think he is!
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 22:31     Subject: Do you get envious of women in happy marriages?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am happily married, no pretending here. I consider myself truly, truly lucky. Eight years now.


same here, but 5 years.


Your reply made me think.

We were very happily married at 5 years. Now at 14 things are sort of a different story. We're both highly committed to the relationship but I wouldn't say we're happy most of the time. Somewhere between about 8 and 12 things got HARD.
I'm not saying this will happen to you but I do think you're still in the honeymoon phases of the marriage.


Why does pp have to be in the honeymoon phase? Why can't some couples just be happy and others not say it's bc they aren't together long enough?


I see it as a couple married only 5 years doesn't have as much time to slip into that comfortable groove with their spouse. I'm in that groove and it's not a bad thing but it lacks that early momentum you get from wedding - joint housing - kids - career building - more kids - possible relocations. After a while everything kind of settles down and some couples don't do well without as many outside forces distracting them from being just "us."
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 22:26     Subject: Re:Do you get envious of women in happy marriages?
I am in a happy marriage but would never ever give anyone marriage advice. I dont want to jinx what I have and who knows if it will always be this way. I read some of the posts in the Relationship forum and cannot believe half the stuff. I've had plenty of crappy relationships but pretty much knew immediately that these were not guys I wanted to have kids with. I got so lucky with my husband, so, so lucky.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 20:57     Subject: Do you get envious of women in happy marriages?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am happily married, no pretending here. I consider myself truly, truly lucky. Eight years now.


same here, but 5 years.


Your reply made me think.

We were very happily married at 5 years. Now at 14 things are sort of a different story. We're both highly committed to the relationship but I wouldn't say we're happy most of the time. Somewhere between about 8 and 12 things got HARD.
I'm not saying this will happen to you but I do think you're still in the honeymoon phases of the marriage.


Why does pp have to be in the honeymoon phase? Why can't some couples just be happy and others not say it's bc they aren't together long enough?
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 18:49     Subject: Do you get envious of women in happy marriages?
Not jealous of anyone else's marriage but I do wish that my DH and I had more opportunities to spend quality alone time together. I'm lucky in that I really, really like the person my husband is. He is kind, puts his family (me & 2 DC's) needs before his own and he will go without to make sure that we have everything we need. He is just a really, really good person and I'm VERY lucky. Is he the love of my life? I don't really know. But what I do know is that marriage really is a partnership; not a business one but a life one. There are times when I look at him and think "if you drop dead tomorrow, I wouldn't care". 30 seconds later "my heart hurts from all of the live I have inside for him". That to me says he is my greatest love. In the past, I've confused passion and yearning and great sex for love but I'm realizing that I'm not really a person who needs that 50 shades type of passion and sex in my relationship. Our sex life is up and down... There are times when we are like bunny rabbits and then there are times when we are like roommates. Our libidos are equally yoked so the lack of sex doesn't cause a problem. Through it all we fight, laugh and really enjoy each other's company. It's weird. My marriage works for ME and I'm super blessed to have found a life partner who really understands what a true partnership entails.

A happy marriage is what works for you; not someone else.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 18:45     Subject: Re:Do you get envious of women in happy marriages?
Anonymous wrote:I have been jealous in the past, and totally empathize with people who are sad or lonely in their marriages. It is way less lonely to sit on a couch alone every night, than it is to sit next to someone on the same couch that is totally disconnected from you. I'd rather just enjoy the solitude of being alone than trying to connect with someone a million miles away.

I got engaged, started planning my wedding, then started to have reservations. Then I found out I was pregnant.

We decided to go through with the pregnancy, moved our wedding way up, and started our "life". Everything felt like it was on hyperdrive, and I was constantly mentally trying to S-L-O-W it all down, felt so overwhelmed, and was miserable for a long time in my marriage. Honestly, if it hadn't been for my DC, I would have walked my ass out the door without a backward glanceX10 everyday of our first 2 years of marriage. For the next 3 or so, I cannot say that I ever felt close to my DH or happy with my marriage. We still are so different in many ways. None of our issues stemmed from violent behavior, substance abuse, or emotional cruelty (those are true deal breakers and should be for everyone). But we were like angry, resentful ships in the night, and I thought we could never be happy. I was truly in a miserable, loveless, sexless (I'm talking at least a year between sex at times) marriage.

But i can truly say that i am very happy and fulfilled in my marriage today. We actually decided to have another DC after 6 years together, which most of the beginning of our marriage I would have bet was an impossibility. My DH makes me laugh everyday, I am happy to be his wife now, and I seriously love having our family. That doesn't mean he doesn't annoy the crap out of me at times too, but if we were able to weather the initial handful of years, I kind of feel like the rest becomes easier. I don't recommend this for everyone or anyone, because who knows what will happen. I only say all this to offer hope to people that still want to find love with their spouse (which I had almost zero interest in most of the time).

So what's my point? It's that I think it's rare for anyone to have a fully happy marriage from day one to the end. Everyone hits hideous rough patches. And you can truly find happiness in marriages that have been horribly unhappy at times.




Wow interesting. So do you have a teenager now and also a toddler? Sons or daughters? What is their relationship like? Fun I bet.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 18:40     Subject: Do you get envious of women in happy marriages?
Anonymous wrote:The couples I'm jealous of are relatively rare. I do wish I had a soul mate but I realize I'm not the only one who never will be that lucky. Our marriage is one of those 'more like roommates.' Husb travels extensively and I prefer it when he is away. We both rushed into it, out of fear I think, as all friends were pairing up, and he seemed a reasonable choice for a settled life. I guess we both settled to be settled, actually. We tried mightily to make it work but it just doesn't.


That's ok, life can be very imperfect. Do you have children? Is that why you rushed into it?
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 15:43     Subject: Re:Do you get envious of women in happy marriages?
Yep, I do, but I have things that those women don't, so it's a mixed bag.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 06:13     Subject: Do you get envious of women in happy marriages?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do you think it's true that when a couple has young children, they dislike each other most (or a lot) of the time? Anecdotally, it seems like this is the case.


We have a young toddler and I'm happier now than prebaby. We just went to the LEGO movie and went out three times the padt month. I enjoy spending time with dh. I don't know why I'd dislike my spouse more post baby. On the contrary I'm impressed with how great a dad he is and he says he's impressed at how patient and caring a mom I am.


Same thing happened to us. Kids strengthened our marriage. It has been such a suprise to see my DH turn out to be an amazing father. Such a turn on. We both really enjoy doing things with the kids. Kids never created a wedge. They made us better people. My DH is built for children. He wanted 4. I can only do two, sincei cchoose to work full time (he would fully support me SAH and I did SAH for 2years).
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 05:30     Subject: Do you get envious of women in happy marriages?
The couples I'm jealous of are relatively rare. I do wish I had a soul mate but I realize I'm not the only one who never will be that lucky. Our marriage is one of those 'more like roommates.' Husb travels extensively and I prefer it when he is away. We both rushed into it, out of fear I think, as all friends were pairing up, and he seemed a reasonable choice for a settled life. I guess we both settled to be settled, actually. We tried mightily to make it work but it just doesn't.