Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a bitch. I feel for you.

+1. Sorry.

Anonymous wrote:just wondering -- is it spiteful bitchiness, or just kind of an ongoing/permanent immaturity? my mom (age 82) all of her life has told little lies, re-remembered things to her convenience, changed her arguments, logic etc in midstream to always be in the right. meanwhile, she's not trying to be bitchy or spiteful etc.

imo, she just takes everything personally, thinks it a HUGE deal to simply say and be sorry,

This sounds right to me. OP, it sounds like you triggered your MIL's defense mechanisms and you found out that they extend past the point of reality. Her behavior indicates a person so damaged that she will not allow reality/facts/logic/testimonials to get in the way of preventing any further damage, such as the shameful feelings she would normally have for throwing away sentimental items.

This may not have been particularly directed at you (a sword) so much as it was protecting her (a shield). In terms of why she threw them away, she may be narcissistic and so other people's needs just don't cross her mind (makes sense if she's consumed with the task of protecting herself).

I think this is a big deal, but what is interesting to me is something that none of the other commenters have mentioned yet -- now that you know she is this kind of person, doesn't that cast your husband in a different light? Somehow I doubt he is well-adjusted after being raised by this person. You two both need to work together on what M/MIL has done to him all these years, too.

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually surprised how this thread has gone in favor of the OP. typically I think DCUM can be harsh towards DILs with expectations for MILs. Personally I think the MIL in this story was a bitch and I would take the approach advocated by a PP to never initiate or plan anything with her again. But to have DH cut her off over baby clothes? That's a little over the top.

I'm a pp who favors cutting her off. I wouldn't expect the Dh to cut her off, but I'd feel pretty confident I could live a nice long happy life without seeing much of her. And doing zero to make any limited contact actually happen.

And if you think this is a story about baby clothes, you are kind of missing the whole point. It is as much about baby clothes as the Lincoln assassination is about the president spending an evening at the theater.

In terms of cutting off, I don't really see how OP is in a position to do this or advocate total cut off - I mean this woman IS her DH's mother. But she can not participate; as another PP said, he wants to see her, or she wants to see the grandkids, he can take her. Maybe suffer her on a few holidays, but other than that, OP can decide this was the final straw and not deal with her anymore.

But honestly, unless she was abusive or neglectful or hurtful to the grandkids, I would never advocating total cut off from their grandma. OP should just be able to not have to deal with her herself.

Also OP, if you not dealing with her becomes an issue for her, be ready to say calmly but firmly "You know that you did the wrong thing, that it wasn't a mistake, and then you lied to me and your son about it. That is unacceptable and I won't put myself in the position of being treated like that further." And that's all you say, in the course of the few times you see her. Be civil in front of the kids but the moment she starts pulling anything bad, say "Ok kids, we need to leave now" if you happen to have them, or say "Ok, well I need to be going" and leave your DH and kids with her.

Sorry for your losses OP. We have an only child, who is 5 now, but I still haven't been able to bring myself to part with her baby clothes. At some point I will give them away or sell some to cosignment (the really really nice stuff), but I understand the sentimental value and wanting them to go to someone you know/love if they're having a baby and you don't use the clothes anymore. That idea of stuff thrown i nthe trash/Goodwill that you would have used is awful.

Anonymous wrote:Right....these items were SO important to OP that instead of taking her butt to Target and buying plastic sealable bins and labels ($10 bucks apiece), she stores them in Hefty bags. Yet, gets mad when MIL treats the items as trash forgetting that she kinda did the same thing. LOL

OP Ignore this person. They can't read or don't understand that there is no chance this was a case of "mistaken identity", i.e. MIL thinking it was trash. She absolutely knew it wasn't, and kept changing her story about what you'd told her about it.

The issue of what they were stored in is irrelevant, and you should handle this OP very clear that your MIL knew exactly what she was doing. Because you know she did know.

I'm actually surprised how this thread has gone in favor of the OP. typically I think DCUM can be harsh towards DILs with expectations for MILs. Personally I think the MIL in this story was a bitch and I would take the approach advocated by a PP to never initiate or plan anything with her again. But to have DH cut her off over baby clothes? That's a little over the top.

It was mean, she is not to be trusted, do not store stuff at her house, lesson learned. I agree thrift shops and consignment sales can replace some of it more cheaply than new.

She owes you an apology.

It was aggressive. It was an act of cruelty. She knew what she was doing (demonstrated by her saving the things she personally gave). She's a liar. She attempted to manipulate, with your Dh standing right there. Based on all of these facts, how anyone could suggest that you do anything but cut her off is beyond me.

How would I handle it? I'd cut her off. You've already said you are giving her a pass on this. You are putting her in the penalty box for two measly weeks. There's no way. I'd put up with a lot, but I wouldn't put up with aggression or cruelty. She did this deliberately to hurt you!

Right....these items were SO important to OP that instead of taking her butt to Target and buying plastic sealable bins and labels ($10 bucks apiece), she stores them in Hefty bags. Yet, gets mad when MIL treats the items as trash forgetting that she kinda did the same thing. LOL

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. All I'll do is not take her calls for two weeks. And limit interaction for a bit so she realizes she crossed a line.

I will let it go. But she broke my trust and I see her differently now. And she can lie all she wants. But she knows what she did was wrong. She's smarter than that.

What makes me angrier is her son paid off $80,000 of loans two weeks ago for she and her DH, and that same son is paying $1500 in interest (thru his line of credit for the loan payoff). We are paying $200/month in other debt they have. They have no issue taking from family and yet, act like money goes on trees for the rest of us. I have two children now and it would've been nice to reuse perfectly good clothes.

She knows she was wrong but didn't apologize or offer to replace the clothes. Hell with that. Stop paying the debts. Tell her you need the money to replace all the baby's clothes and stroller. If your husband doesn't go along with this, cancel the checks he writes. Send a message to your husband and your MIL that you are PISSED. Money is usually the only thing people understand.

I agree with this.

"So sorry MIL, but we really need the $ to buy baby clothes and other necessities for our second child. It's actually more than that -- you were dishonest and cruel with our things of great sentimental value, and honestly, we don't feel able to support you anymore. I'm sorry it had to come to this."

It is funny though. The DW's are ALWAYS saying that the DH's should take the lead with his mother. But here you have (and this is not the only post), DW advocating making the decision to cut off the MIL financially. TBH, no self respecting DH would take this position and harm his mom over some baby clothes. Further, I would not want to be married to a man who would. That type of emotionless vindictiveness toward one's own mother is scary.

My DH would have read his mother the riot act over this. No doubt. At the end of the day though, that is his mother and she deserves his love and respect. She did raise him to be a good man and I am now benefitting from that. OP, I suggest that YOU limit your contact with her, but do NOT try to turn your DH against her. He supported you and he likely said somethings to her that you were not privy to.

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I do not keep anything. I donate, throw things away, etc. There is no clutter in my house. I wouldn't have had baby clothes to store and even I am livid on your behalf. Here is what you need to realize now. Your MIL is not going to change. She isn't going to apologize. Be glad your husband took your side. My MIL was very destructive in the early years of my marriage and always appeared to be the sweetest little old lady in the world so no one (except my mother) believed any of my complaints about her blush*t. When I got to my last straw moment, I had it out with her. Afterward, I did not take any grand stand or make any speeches, I just stopped being helpful. She lives locally so if my husband wants to see his mother, he is welcome to make plans with her and he is welcome to take the kids with him. I make plans for Thanksgiving, Christmas, her birthday, and a joint outing that includes husband and kids brays (they are close in time). That's it. Other than that it is up to my husband to make plans to see her. Periodically he makes a pronouncement about how we need to make plans to see his mom more often and my stock response is, "Oh yes definitely." And then, this is the secret, I do *nothing*. I do not jump up to invite her for lunch next weekend or make plans to go on some outing. I leave all of that to him and he doesn't typically do anything. This strategy has worked really well for about 8 years.

This approach works for me too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. All I'll do is not take her calls for two weeks. And limit interaction for a bit so she realizes she crossed a line.

I will let it go. But she broke my trust and I see her differently now. And she can lie all she wants. But she knows what she did was wrong. She's smarter than that.

What makes me angrier is her son paid off $80,000 of loans two weeks ago for she and her DH, and that same son is paying $1500 in interest (thru his line of credit for the loan payoff). We are paying $200/month in other debt they have. They have no issue taking from family and yet, act like money goes on trees for the rest of us. I have two children now and it would've been nice to reuse perfectly good clothes.

Do more than this, OP. Seriously, you can drop her to large degree. No more phone calls from her--DH can handle them. Don't let her be your problem, drop the frequency of visits, let DH go on his own. DH can handle anything you have done for her like birthdays.

And stop paying their debt. 1) They clearly don't need it and 2) You have baby clothes to replace.

And Goodwill the ones that meant something to her unless you happen to like them.

What a cruel, terrible thing your MIL did.

This. I would not initiate any conversations with her. No engagement. Not just for 2 weeks--FROM NOW ON. If you need to know something from her, DH makes the call. If she calls, don't answer. Let it go to voicemail and have DH respond. If she speaks to you, respond politely with a minimal answer. Just don't engage. She sounds like poison.

This is how I've dealt with my MIL for years. It works very well.

Pp, those dolls were very nice and all gifts from MY parents. I was saving them for my other children or sisters dd who is 1.5 now but lives out of state so haven't been able to hand them down. Either way, she was with me when I folded and put everything away.

You are right. Learned my lesson. She almost threw out my $130 high hair. If I hadn't gotten there that day. She was acting stunned I wanted to save that. My first dd didn't even touch it bc she ate in a high back booster and it was too large for our condo at the time. But it was perfect otherwise.

well, you sort of handed over rights to the items by storing them elsewhere. i've had it happen to me and have learned my lesson...once it leaves my possession i can't complain about what happens to it. i think this is especially true if it's in garbage bags...garbage bags=junk/garbage. if you wanted to make sure it doesn't look like garbage, put them in boxes or plastic bins. Also, who needs 10 (TEN!!) baby dolls? Seems excessive.

just wondering -- is it spiteful bitchiness, or just kind of an ongoing/permanent immaturity? my mom (age 82) all of her life has told little lies, re-remembered things to her convenience, changed her arguments, logic etc in midstream to always be in the right. meanwhile, she's not trying to be bitchy or spiteful etc.

imo, she just takes everything personally, thinks it a HUGE deal to simply say and be sorry, seems to think that being wrong is a sign of being not smart, etc. i partly blame my grandparents (nice grandparents but apparently tough parents).

she's always been like this, and i just try to not engage in what otherwise becomes crazy arguments.