Anonymous wrote:^^ forcing the end of OW's relationship could push OW and OP's DH together.

They're already together. Her husband probably tells himself OW is his real soulmate and that his DW is just in the way keeping him from being happy.

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what the whole hiring a PI (do people really do that? ) purpose is. She already knows the relationship is inappropriate & that he's unwilling to change. So, she can either live with that (maybe get her own side piece) or ask for a divorce. Give him the ultimatum.

Of course she knows. But he will gaslight her until the cows come home. He will lie to all their relatives and friends, too, about how she made a mountain out of a molehill. She will end up looking and feeling like a crazy person. For her own sanity, a PI is useful.

Anonymous wrote:^^ forcing the end of OW's relationship could push OW and OP's DH together.

Yeah, no. That really isn't how these things usually go.

Also, OP, someone will now tell you that her boyfriend is abusive. Again, a standard canard.

Really, you need the BTDT people at SI.

Ughhh OP I'm so sorry. I remember the "trips to the store" and discovering there were always calls to the same number during those times. And I remember calling that number and the awkward conversation that followed. I also remember trying to give the DH the benefit of the doubt and feeling so stupid for doing so when the truth finally came out.

Your story could me mine. He's cheating. Get into his email or check his phone while he is asleep. Do it fast because he'll be trying to delete everything soon. That will tell you the rest of what you need to know.

I don't understand what the whole hiring a PI (do people really do that? ) purpose is. She already knows the relationship is inappropriate & that he's unwilling to change. So, she can either live with that (maybe get her own side piece) or ask for a divorce. Give him the ultimatum.

^^ forcing the end of OW's relationship could push OW and OP's DH together.

OP, I wish you hadn't called her, but it is done now. And i understand why you wanted to. But she doesn't give a damn about your marriage, and asking her to back off is unlikely to work. Moreover, now she complains to your DH about you, and gives the two of them yet another thing to bond over.

At this point, you have another few options. VAR, PI, whatever you need to get the proof you need. Moreover, provide the proof to her boyfriend (one of the best reasons to get a PI). And by provide, I mean copies of cell phone bills, photos, screen shots of texts - whatever you've got. Not to get her in trouble or to blow up her relationship, but because your best ally in ending this affair is her boyfriend. But you will have to have proof, because chances are, she has already started telling him that she knows a guy with a crazy wife.

People in affairs will do anything, say anything, hurt anyone. You need to prepare for a terrible battle.

DCUMers will now commence attacking the good advice you have gotten so far (and this advice is good). But I am telling you that being kind and bending over backward to make your DH happy, to shield Jane from her boyfriend's finding out, to be the bigger person? None of that works against people in the affair fog. They do not grasp reality, and are rewriting their relationship history as we speak to make it that they were never really happy or in love with their current partners.

Get your ducks in a row, and start the 180 (SI healing library for info).

Anonymous wrote:

There is nothing wrong wrt lunch with the opposite sex. I work in a male dominating field (IT Security); and over the course of several years I have made several lunch buddy friends; male co-workers of all ages from 35 years older to 5 years younger. I would NEVER think to having an affair with these men.

You do realize, don't you, that every single one of your male friends wants to fuck you? You sound like one of those faux-naive teases--you go out to lunch with these IT nerds just loving up all the male attention you are getting, knowing you can keep them at arms' length, and pretend what you are doing is completely innocent.

Whether or not you actually ever have an affair is simply a matter of circumstances. Denying that you love all the male attention you are getting is simply not credible.

Now, the 9PM coffee meeting is inappropriate. I would never meet one of my lunch buddies (nor any male co-worker) in the evening (or after work) unless it was a company happy hour with many other co-workers present.

Why is having coffee inappropriate if as you say you would "NEVER" have sex with any of your work colleagues and it's not on anyone's mind at all? If they are just your work friends why COULDN'T you have coffee with them at 9 pm. You see you just tripped yourself up. You know what they are thinking. Having lunch is "safe", or so you think, but don't pretend it's not a huge flirtation.

Sorry OP, I think your DH has a thing for this woman, and it is inappropriate for him to meet her during evening hours.

Why? I thought you said having opposite sex friends is perfectly fine. Why is she the hussy, but you are innocent?

NP. PP is not a tease. You CAN be friends with a man and it be completely platonic.

Definitely not appropriate, which you've figured out by now. I'm so sorry OP. If it's not a physical affair, it's at least an emotional one. If you have to lie and hide your "friendship" from your spouse then it's not really just a friendship, at least not to the person lying about it.

Feeling attracted to a coworker or relying more on friends when we're experiencing martial trouble is normal, but some one committed to his marriage will not put himself in a tempting situation or in one that would hurt his wife if she were to find out about it.

Be strong OP. Don't let him run over you. Make him respect you if not as his wife,as the mother of his kids.

He's cheating.

OP here - I am sort of upset about the "coffee date" because it happened during the 3 week gov't furlough so now thinking back on it, they hadn't been able to see each other because he was not going into work in the city.

More info: I figured out how to get the last few months phone records and sure enough, her phone number was all over his Jan. bill. He kept telling me he only talked to her a lot in Feb and only after attending our first counseling session; that he happened to run into her at a restaurant. The Jan. phone bills show that he talked to her a lot in Jan - including several times the week before he told me he was unhappy and twice the night before he told me he was unhappy and two night after that..when he told me he was going to the store and to take a "walk." I have confronted him again...All of this info has come out in little dribbles. He has finally aplogized and agreed to stop contacting her.
But, and here is the sort of nutty thing I did - when I obtained this phone records this morning, I noticed an unfamilar cell phone on there and obviously deduced it was her number, so I called it from our home phone. I couldn't help myself. I needed to know. I am a type A personality. She said "Hi!" and I said, "Who is this?" and then she froze up and said nothing and she said who are you? I said, this is me, Mary Smith, James' wife and I think that this number is Jane Doe. And she was like, why are you calling?? And I said, I am calling because your phone number is all over my DH's cell phone bill. And I politely told her that she needed to stop contacting my DH. I said to her that DH had agreed to this and I said - I am reaching out to you woman to woman...I have been married to him for 15 years and we have three kids. He can't be having a relationship with you..She claimed they were talking about a neutral subject and I said, DH has admitted to talking to you about our marriage and that is not appropriate. IT went on and on. I did not yell. I was sort of quiet and cried a little. She was extremely defensive and kep telling me she could't talk anymore and my relationship wth DH was something I needed to talk to him about and I told her well, I am talking to you and telling you to please leave him alone.

There is nothing wrong wrt lunch with the opposite sex. I work in a male dominating field (IT Security); and over the course of several years I have made several lunch buddy friends; male co-workers of all ages from 35 years older to 5 years younger. I would NEVER think to having an affair with these men.

You do realize, don't you, that every single one of your male friends wants to fuck you? You sound like one of those faux-naive teases--you go out to lunch with these IT nerds just loving up all the male attention you are getting, knowing you can keep them at arms' length, and pretend what you are doing is completely innocent.

Whether or not you actually ever have an affair is simply a matter of circumstances. Denying that you love all the male attention you are getting is simply not credible.

Now, the 9PM coffee meeting is inappropriate. I would never meet one of my lunch buddies (nor any male co-worker) in the evening (or after work) unless it was a company happy hour with many other co-workers present.

Why is having coffee inappropriate if as you say you would "NEVER" have sex with any of your work colleagues and it's not on anyone's mind at all? If they are just your work friends why COULDN'T you have coffee with them at 9 pm. You see you just tripped yourself up. You know what they are thinking. Having lunch is "safe", or so you think, but don't pretend it's not a huge flirtation.

Sorry OP, I think your DH has a thing for this woman, and it is inappropriate for him to meet her during evening hours.

Why? I thought you said having opposite sex friends is perfectly fine. Why is she the hussy, but you are innocent?

"having coffee with an old friend" = "fucking her brains out" in cheater speak

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, I am very sorry that you are going through this. Go see a lawyer, know your rights, and give your husband a reality check.

Sounds like Jane is advising him on how to get you out of the picture. He jumped the gun by asking you to move out then backpedaled. He thought you'd agree and oh without a fight. The fact he mentioned this without considering the fact that the kids need a solid home says everything. It's gross . Get your affairs in order, talk to a lawyer and make sure he can't even afford to take Jane out for a cup of coffee when all is said and done.