Anonymous wrote:honestly, I think therapy might be more helpful for the control issues OP has.

We don't all feel fine with thousands being spent on gifts, especially if not discussed beforehand.

I understand, OP. I had the same thing happen at Christmas. I didn't say anything, because I didn't feel there would be a way to do that without hurting his feelings. It is a hard situation. We are definitely on a budget, and it is frustrating. I didn't even look at the account to see how much he spent, because I knew it would piss me off. At the same time, I do like the jewelry piece at least and I wear it to make him happy as well, but then that kind of encourages similar gifts in the future. Its a headache.

My DH was not raised with a lot of money and he is successful and led a much more flamboyant life before we married and had kids and life got a lot more expensive. I think part of it is psychological for him--he wants to show everyone that he can afford this stuff for his wife, and he has always thought these were the types of gifts women wanted--and part of it is just him missing the days where he always spent money like water, buying whatever he wanted. I do appreciate his motives, if not the money amount spent. I really really want a treadmill--so its not that I don't like expensive gifts--I would just prefer them to be useful.

Hugs--don't listen to the haters. Your feelings are valid.

Anonymous wrote:Sigh. Why are people always pushing therapy on DCUM?

Probably because people who have successfully sought therapy think it is a good thing?

OP has issues from her family of origin that affect her marriage. We all do, actually. Why is it so terrible to examine that with the help of a competent therapist?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, my DH and I joke about those Lexus commercials around Christmas time when the spouse surprises the other with a car as a gift. I always say that I would be really peeved if DH went out and bought a car without consulting me. We have a joint account and any large purchases are mutual decisions.

I think it would be different if OP and her DH had separate accounts. She might still not want him spending so much on a gift for her but it is less of an issue than when part of the cost of the gift is being funded with your own money!

My DH actually did that. After I got over the guilt (he did ask what kind of car I wanted) I really love the car. But he DID ask first.

I'm a PP who agreed with OP. The fact that he asked makes a HUGE difference - he was spoiling you with something you wanted.

If the OP's DH had surprised her with that trip they had been saving for I would have a different reaction, but he spent *their* money on something *she* doesn't value.

Well, OP did state that her DH makes significantly more, so it was probably more his money than theirs.

Sigh. Why are people always pushing therapy on DCUM?

honestly, I think therapy might be more helpful for the control issues OP has.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are your finances separate or joint?

Joint

OP, I'd be angry, too.

First of all, my DH and I have firmly agreed we discussing spending large amounts of money -- even on gifts and even if we intend to spend it out of our personal accounts (we have joint and individual).

Second of all, it isn't really a "gift," if it came out of your joint account. It was a unilateral decision on his part on how to spend your joint savings.

You are definitely not on the same page about spending. And though you don't have to do it in an angry way, you really should discuss it with your husband that it is unacceptable

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, my DH and I joke about those Lexus commercials around Christmas time when the spouse surprises the other with a car as a gift. I always say that I would be really peeved if DH went out and bought a car without consulting me. We have a joint account and any large purchases are mutual decisions.

I think it would be different if OP and her DH had separate accounts. She might still not want him spending so much on a gift for her but it is less of an issue than when part of the cost of the gift is being funded with your own money!

My DH actually did that. After I got over the guilt (he did ask what kind of car I wanted) I really love the car. But he DID ask first.

I'm a PP who agreed with OP. The fact that he asked makes a HUGE difference - he was spoiling you with something you wanted.

If the OP's DH had surprised her with that trip they had been saving for I would have a different reaction, but he spent *their* money on something *she* doesn't value.

Anonymous wrote:Personally, my DH and I joke about those Lexus commercials around Christmas time when the spouse surprises the other with a car as a gift. I always say that I would be really peeved if DH went out and bought a car without consulting me. We have a joint account and any large purchases are mutual decisions.

I think it would be different if OP and her DH had separate accounts. She might still not want him spending so much on a gift for her but it is less of an issue than when part of the cost of the gift is being funded with your own money!

My DH actually did that. After I got over the guilt (he did ask what kind of car I wanted) I really love the car. But he DID ask first.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow, take a step back and APPRECIATE your DH for doing something sweet and nice.

stop being controlling and stop complaining.

this is just freakin' unbelievable

Agreed.

You do not understand the feelings. Probably OP is a very good partner and wife, which is why DH did it in the first place.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know where you're coming from OP. Did you happen to grow up poorer than your husband? The reason I ask is I did and it makes me a bit crazy when my DH used to buy me expensive things.

For Christmas, my just graduated college daughter bought me what I thought was a really expensive bath set (the ones you see in beauty salons). I didn't open it because I thought it was too nice. Well, we were just in NYC over the weekend, and I saw that the whole set was only $7.95 even though it looked like $100 set. So, now I can enjoy it.

It might have something to do with subconscious self-worth OP.

Op here. I grew up watching my shopaholic Sah stepmother squander a lot of my fathers money at the mall buying high end products none of us needed (or could really afford, though we all did fine). It was all just very wasteful. There were many many awful fights (and still are!) as a result of this. It ruined many gift giving occasions as they frequently became about what had been spent. None of the spending was on me but rather my half sister and herself. Occasionally my father, but she would buy him things he didn't need or want (cashmere Burberry sweater) with the money that he he worked for but was theirs.

I guess it's all deeper than it appears though I hadn't really thought about it until your post.

OP same here. Different story slightly but same feelings. I hate it when my DH buys me expensive things that I did not ask for. Particularly jewelry. We have very different taste in jewelry. My mother was a master at mean gift giving so I never really got the thrill of it -- more like the dread. I would just return it postage and all unless you find that on reflection you really like it. It was nice of DH but maybe he does not understand your feelings fully.

How much was the gift OP?

Your poor DH!

Anonymous wrote:Personally, my DH and I joke about those Lexus commercials around Christmas time when the spouse surprises the other with a car as a gift. I always say that I would be really peeved if DH went out and bought a car without consulting me. We have a joint account and any large purchases are mutual decisions.

I think it would be different if OP and her DH had separate accounts. She might still not want him spending so much on a gift for her but it is less of an issue than when part of the cost of the gift is being funded with your own money!

+1

Personally, my DH and I joke about those Lexus commercials around Christmas time when the spouse surprises the other with a car as a gift. I always say that I would be really peeved if DH went out and bought a car without consulting me. We have a joint account and any large purchases are mutual decisions.

I think it would be different if OP and her DH had separate accounts. She might still not want him spending so much on a gift for her but it is less of an issue than when part of the cost of the gift is being funded with your own money!