Anonymous
Post 02/25/2014 14:37     Subject: MIL Won't stop kissing newborn
Anonymous wrote:OP -
YOU are the parent. Figure out a stance on this with your partner and make that gently clear to the grandparent. Diplomatically, of course.

You do not need validation from anyone else here. You are the parent and must do right by yourself and your intuition.


PP here. I agree but remember that OP cannot have it both ways.

The stance you take may have consequences to your relationship with the IL's and their interaction with DC. Do what you feel is best for you and your child but do not be surprised if their reactions are not favorable.

In my own life, I once had to "talk" to my own mon about how she interacted with my newborn/toddler - her first grandchild. I was not very diplomatic and it was not a good conversation. It was 10 years ago and I now see some of the repurcussions of it. My mother is much more physically affectionate to her other grandkids with the kisses, hugs and squeezes. She is lovingly guarded around my kids. Problem is that my kids have picked up on it "Grandma never hugs us like she hugs Cousin X."
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2014 14:24     Subject: MIL Won't stop kissing newborn
Anonymous wrote:OP -
YOU are the parent. Figure out a stance on this with your partner and make that gently clear to the grandparent. Diplomatically, of course.

You do not need validation from anyone else here. You are the parent and must do right by yourself and your intuition.



NP. + 10000000

Anonymous
Post 02/25/2014 14:11     Subject: MIL Won't stop kissing newborn
OP -
YOU are the parent. Figure out a stance on this with your partner and make that gently clear to the grandparent. Diplomatically, of course.

You do not need validation from anyone else here. You are the parent and must do right by yourself and your intuition.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2014 13:32     Subject: Re:MIL Won't stop kissing newborn
Anonymous wrote:OP, I am with you. My MIL loved to suck and lightly bite my baby's fingers. I asked her to stop and she said I am being hormonal and she can't possibly have any germs, just good bacteria I nicknamed her "good bacteria" since then.


THIS is weird. I would not want anyone sucking on my baby's fingers. The kissing wouldn't bother me.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2014 13:25     Subject: MIL Won't stop kissing newborn
OP - you need to step back and decide of this is a hill to die on. If you decide it is, I think you are in for a long and torturous life.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2014 13:00     Subject: Re:MIL Won't stop kissing newborn
OP, I am with you. My MIL loved to suck and lightly bite my baby's fingers. I asked her to stop and she said I am being hormonal and she can't possibly have any germs, just good bacteria I nicknamed her "good bacteria" since then.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2014 12:46     Subject: MIL Won't stop kissing newborn
Anonymous wrote:Op here:

1. I love my MIL and don't have any underlying/hidden issues with her. This isn't a question about loving her. I am extremely thankful for her.

2. By "we" I mean that my husband tells her to stop kissing the baby in the face because he feels the same way if not has stronger feelings in this regard. I have told my mother the same thing so it is not an issue isolated to my MIL.

3. Yes he is/will be exposed to germs they are unavoidable. But he is a freaking newborn people!!! I feel strongly about the baby not getting sick so early on in life (2 weeks). Kissing the baby in the face and passing on God knows what IS avoidable.

4. When the baby is older (Has a more mature immune system) I don't have as many issues with the kissing. But do find that 10 kisses within a span of 30 minutes is smothering, I personally would not like it.

5. My MIL wears red lipstick and heavy and nauseating perfume. The baby stinks like her perfume afterwards.

6. I am the parent and it's my job to advocate for my child's rights. Since I wouldn't like to be kissed on that way why would I subject my child to that?

7. Affection and love is not measured by kisses!!! Find another way

8. The issue I am having is not hormone related. And I have been sleeping just fine actually my baby is and has been sleeping through the night.

Another reason why I would like to keep it that way by avoiding him getting sick from unnecessary touching!!!!!

9. I find it odd that I have to ask people not to kiss him in the face. I thought it was common sense. I did not behave this way with any 4 of my nephews when they were first born no matter how cute they were. Control yourself!

10. My husband and I have a loving respectful relationship. He is not shallow and I do not withhold intimacy.


You sound perfectly reasonable to me, OP.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2014 12:45     Subject: MIL Won't stop kissing newborn
10 kisses in 30 minutes is overkill?
Really -- Truly -- Seriously?
To each his own It's her baby -- but who doesn't want to kiss a newborn? Kinda sounds like momma has issues with physical affection, some folks are just not into it. I couldn't keep my face out of my babies face at that age, but that's just me. And my baby was not sick/preemie and I did not mind other kissing her.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2014 12:44     Subject: MIL Won't stop kissing newborn
Just think, in a few months, OP can post about how angry she is that MIL wants to wear the baby in the carrier.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2014 12:43     Subject: MIL Won't stop kissing newborn
Anonymous wrote:
I'm with OP. this is actually why it is up to the parents to establish limits and boundaries for the child -- because infants can't advocate for themselves. and MIL does sound smothering.

beyond that, OP's husband told his mother not to kiss the baby on the face so much. The thing is, even if you think a parent's request is entirely unreasonable, you don't have a right to just override it. I think too many people assume that being the grandmother means they don't have to listen to the parents. If OP is uncomfortable with grandmother MIL smothering her baby, then grandmother MIL is the one who has to adjust.

I'd probably do the same as OP and just subtly dial down how much time the baby spends with Grandma Smothering Kissy-Face.


Another crazy mother! I guess DCUM is where they all gather!
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2014 12:42     Subject: MIL Won't stop kissing newborn
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't think OP is so crazy. My son has been getting horrible cold sores since he was about 2 years old. Huge, painful ones. Obviously, someone kissed him near his mouth when he was a fat-cheeked, irresistible, little toddler. A significant portion of the public carries the virus, even if they've never gotten a sore.

Why does grandma have to kiss the face? Feet, top of the head, fine.


So sorry PP, how old is your son now? Have you tried antivirals? If you don't want to go the med route, a daily supplement of L-Lysine can significantly help.

I know a family whose newborn baby got infected by HSV1 (cold sores) by being kissed by a relative. The baby died from it. Newborn babies usually don't have an immune system strong enough to fight HSV1 infections and it can lead to organ failure.

OP, make sure MIL doesn't kiss baby if she has a visible cold sore! It can still spread when a cold sore isn't present, but it does reduce the chances if there isn't one present at the time.


Shouldn't the rule be that no one who has a cold sore should kiss the baby? OP has given no indication that her MIL had a cold sore. One would think this would have been included in the original post, as it would clearly change the reactions.


For the first eight weeks or so, I think it's just easier to say "no one kisses the baby," if that's the route you choose. An adult can easily be contagious with an illness before showing symptoms, and we're still in cold and flu season.

Asking folks not to kiss the baby is on the strong end of caution, but I think within a range of normal especially this time of year.

I would be pretty frustrated that they specifically asked MIL not to do something with their child, and she did it anyway. That kind of behavior undermines trust with the new parents, and it doesn't really matter what it's over. I doubt the OP has the greatest relationship with her ILs to begin with. I bet this isn't the first time MIL has crossed a boundary over one thing or another.

For the OP, if you want to push it, if you see her kiss the baby again, you can say, "As we already told you, per our pediatrician's recommendations to prevent the spread of illness, we're asking folks not to kiss the baby for the first couple of months" as you stand up to go take the baby back from her. If not this, it's going to be something else with a certain type of MIL who doesn't understand that she's no longer in charge.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2014 12:38     Subject: MIL Won't stop kissing newborn
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here:

1. I love my MIL and don't have any underlying/hidden issues with her. This isn't a question about loving her. I am extremely thankful for her.

2. By "we" I mean that my husband tells her to stop kissing the baby in the face because he feels the same way if not has stronger feelings in this regard. I have told my mother the same thing so it is not an issue isolated to my MIL.

3. Yes he is/will be exposed to germs they are unavoidable. But he is a freaking newborn people!!! I feel strongly about the baby not getting sick so early on in life (2 weeks). Kissing the baby in the face and passing on God knows what IS avoidable.

4. When the baby is older (Has a more mature immune system) I don't have as many issues with the kissing. But do find that 10 kisses within a span of 30 minutes is smothering, I personally would not like it.

5. My MIL wears red lipstick and heavy and nauseating perfume. The baby stinks like her perfume afterwards.

6. I am the parent and it's my job to advocate for my child's rights. Since I wouldn't like to be kissed on that way why would I subject my child to that?

7. Affection and love is not measured by kisses!!! Find another way

8. The issue I am having is not hormone related. And I have been sleeping just fine actually my baby is and has been sleeping through the night.

Another reason why I would like to keep it that way by avoiding him getting sick from unnecessary touching!!!!!

9. I find it odd that I have to ask people not to kiss him in the face. I thought it was common sense. I did not behave this way with any 4 of my nephews when they were first born no matter how cute they were. Control yourself!

10. My husband and I have a loving respectful relationship. He is not shallow and I do not withhold intimacy.


OP, I think you need to talk to the pediatrician about the risks that you perceive through contact with others. If you really believe what you have written as to the risks to your infant you are sadly mistaken. Do you know that one of the easiest ways of spreading infection is just by someone touching the baby's hand - after all, with most infants that hand ends up in the mouth. If someone has a cold or is carrying any kind of virus - even without being aware of it - they don't even have to touch the baby - just coming close to the baby and breathing on him/her is enough.

One of the most revealing comments you made is this: "Since I wouldn't like to be kissed on that way why would I subject my child to that?" The difference is that you as an adult can establish limits as to how much contact you would like with anyone. It is totally bizarre to establish similar limitations with the baby and its grandmother, siblings, father, etc. BTW, you as the mother have the right to do whatever you deem appropriate but if you post to a public forum asking for feedback then don't be surprised if people point our that your actions are out of line.

You say you have no problem with kissing but it is the frequency of kissing within a time span that is the problem. Well, that one kiss may be enough to infect your baby - it does not need several.

But more than anything else your reason for wanting to limit that sort of close contact is not medically supportable - you would have to insulate the child from pretty much all contact of any sort.


I'm with OP. this is actually why it is up to the parents to establish limits and boundaries for the child -- because infants can't advocate for themselves. and MIL does sound smothering.

beyond that, OP's husband told his mother not to kiss the baby on the face so much. The thing is, even if you think a parent's request is entirely unreasonable, you don't have a right to just override it. I think too many people assume that being the grandmother means they don't have to listen to the parents. If OP is uncomfortable with grandmother MIL smothering her baby, then grandmother MIL is the one who has to adjust.

I'd probably do the same as OP and just subtly dial down how much time the baby spends with Grandma Smothering Kissy-Face.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2014 12:20     Subject: MIL Won't stop kissing newborn
Anonymous wrote:Op here:

1. I love my MIL and don't have any underlying/hidden issues with her. This isn't a question about loving her. I am extremely thankful for her.

2. By "we" I mean that my husband tells her to stop kissing the baby in the face because he feels the same way if not has stronger feelings in this regard. I have told my mother the same thing so it is not an issue isolated to my MIL.

3. Yes he is/will be exposed to germs they are unavoidable. But he is a freaking newborn people!!! I feel strongly about the baby not getting sick so early on in life (2 weeks). Kissing the baby in the face and passing on God knows what IS avoidable.

4. When the baby is older (Has a more mature immune system) I don't have as many issues with the kissing. But do find that 10 kisses within a span of 30 minutes is smothering, I personally would not like it.

5. My MIL wears red lipstick and heavy and nauseating perfume. The baby stinks like her perfume afterwards.

6. I am the parent and it's my job to advocate for my child's rights. Since I wouldn't like to be kissed on that way why would I subject my child to that?

7. Affection and love is not measured by kisses!!! Find another way

8. The issue I am having is not hormone related. And I have been sleeping just fine actually my baby is and has been sleeping through the night.

Another reason why I would like to keep it that way by avoiding him getting sick from unnecessary touching!!!!!

9. I find it odd that I have to ask people not to kiss him in the face. I thought it was common sense. I did not behave this way with any 4 of my nephews when they were first born no matter how cute they were. Control yourself!

10. My husband and I have a loving respectful relationship. He is not shallow and I do not withhold intimacy.


OP, I think you need to talk to the pediatrician about the risks that you perceive through contact with others. If you really believe what you have written as to the risks to your infant you are sadly mistaken. Do you know that one of the easiest ways of spreading infection is just by someone touching the baby's hand - after all, with most infants that hand ends up in the mouth. If someone has a cold or is carrying any kind of virus - even without being aware of it - they don't even have to touch the baby - just coming close to the baby and breathing on him/her is enough.

One of the most revealing comments you made is this: "Since I wouldn't like to be kissed on that way why would I subject my child to that?" The difference is that you as an adult can establish limits as to how much contact you would like with anyone. It is totally bizarre to establish similar limitations with the baby and its grandmother, siblings, father, etc. BTW, you as the mother have the right to do whatever you deem appropriate but if you post to a public forum asking for feedback then don't be surprised if people point our that your actions are out of line.

You say you have no problem with kissing but it is the frequency of kissing within a time span that is the problem. Well, that one kiss may be enough to infect your baby - it does not need several.

But more than anything else your reason for wanting to limit that sort of close contact is not medically supportable - you would have to insulate the child from pretty much all contact of any sort.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2014 12:09     Subject: MIL Won't stop kissing newborn
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't think OP is so crazy. My son has been getting horrible cold sores since he was about 2 years old. Huge, painful ones. Obviously, someone kissed him near his mouth when he was a fat-cheeked, irresistible, little toddler. A significant portion of the public carries the virus, even if they've never gotten a sore.

Why does grandma have to kiss the face? Feet, top of the head, fine.


So sorry PP, how old is your son now? Have you tried antivirals? If you don't want to go the med route, a daily supplement of L-Lysine can significantly help.

I know a family whose newborn baby got infected by HSV1 (cold sores) by being kissed by a relative. The baby died from it. Newborn babies usually don't have an immune system strong enough to fight HSV1 infections and it can lead to organ failure.

OP, make sure MIL doesn't kiss baby if she has a visible cold sore! It can still spread when a cold sore isn't present, but it does reduce the chances if there isn't one present at the time.


Shouldn't the rule be that no one who has a cold sore should kiss the baby? OP has given no indication that her MIL had a cold sore. One would think this would have been included in the original post, as it would clearly change the reactions.


I mean, yeah, that's obvious....but cold sores can still be transmitted if there is no cold sore present - during asymptomatic viral shedding.

Then mommy and daddy should not kiss the baby either, because they could have a cold sore that is not visible. And yes there was a story about a baby dying from that very thing -- FROM THE MOMMA!
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2014 11:57     Subject: MIL Won't stop kissing newborn
Anonymous wrote:I"m so glad I wasn't such a psycho FTM. Yikes.


+1