Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 18:41     Subject: Ex doesn't want me to date
Anonymous wrote:OP, you guys are acting like you're still married. Sharing a family cell phone plan? You're NOT a family anymore. Get your own plan. Change the password on your email and don't tell him what your new password is.

How you handled money should have changed when you divorced. If he feels that acting like you're divorced when you're divorced means you're hiding something, that's too bad. As for "hell to pay", you need to stand up for yourself and stop letting this man control and abuse you.


OP is still not over him. I thought otherwise until this family plan BS. You all are not a family anymore.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 16:45     Subject: Re:Ex doesn't want me to date
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

I'm the quoted poster, and also the one directly below who recommended the Women's Center (please, please get in touch with them - PLEASE).

I know first hand the slow process of getting back on your feet and how hard it is. I wanted to respond to your points one at a time, since you're reading here at least.

1. What does your support network look like generally? Do you have family in the area? Close friends? Do those people know the state of your relationship with your child's father? Are any of those people able to help with your child when you get stuck at work?
2. Were you married? Is there a legal document that spells out custody and obligations? My separation agreement, for example, says that if we want to change the agreement and can't agree on how to do that, we have to see a mediator for a set number of sessions (which we pay for proportional to income) before we can go to court. The document is attached to our divorce decree. I suppose he could TRY to go to court before going to the mediator, but it would be a waste of his time.
3. Why are you so afraid of his temper? Do you believe that he is dangerous? Has he ever been physically abusive?

It is hard to recognize how unhealthy long-established behavior patterns are sometimes when you're in them. In my experience, the more unhealthy the behavior, the less easy it is to accept and admit how unhealthy it is. Hang in there.


I have friends in the area, but no family and no close friends. If I need help now, it's him or his mother. There are a couple of parents in my child's circle that I'm friends with, but they don't know about the situation. They could probably help with pickup if they're available. Only a few friends know that the ex is a real pain. They don't know the extent of it. My close friends and family know.

Our agreement says we have to go back to court to make changes. It doesn't say anything about mediation.

I'm afraid of his temper because I know the drama that follows it. Dealing with him when he's like that is unbelievably stressful. I lose sleep. I can't focus at work. It makes everything difficult because I know he is going to find a way to push my buttons. That button is usually a custody dispute, or support related. He can't legally take her from me, but he can spend a lot of money to make things difficult and expensive.

I handed him all this control. It's of my own doing.


As hard as it seems, a lot of the process of taking back control of your life is just going to be frustrating persistence. Yes, he will create drama. Your job will now be to not let it push your buttons. It is really hard, and I know that, but it's the only way forward. Don't let your fear of his reactions change your actions.

When I was going through my own version of this, I constructed pretty strict boundaries for myself. I did not talk about divorce stuff at work. Once I went to bed for the evening, I did not engage with my ex at all. I tried to keep all our tricky communication in email, in case I needed the documentation later. I deflected questions about my personal life by changing the subject or saying simply that I did not want to discuss it at that time and then not discussing it later either. I went to yoga 3x a week (or did 30 minutes of yoga at home after DD went to bed if I couldn't make it to the studio) and tried to stay well hydrated and in good physical shape so that I'd bounce back from the occasional sleepless night easier.

Try to rise above the drama, seriously. It's all you can do.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 16:26     Subject: Re:Ex doesn't want me to date
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

I'm the quoted poster, and also the one directly below who recommended the Women's Center (please, please get in touch with them - PLEASE).

I know first hand the slow process of getting back on your feet and how hard it is. I wanted to respond to your points one at a time, since you're reading here at least.

1. What does your support network look like generally? Do you have family in the area? Close friends? Do those people know the state of your relationship with your child's father? Are any of those people able to help with your child when you get stuck at work?
2. Were you married? Is there a legal document that spells out custody and obligations? My separation agreement, for example, says that if we want to change the agreement and can't agree on how to do that, we have to see a mediator for a set number of sessions (which we pay for proportional to income) before we can go to court. The document is attached to our divorce decree. I suppose he could TRY to go to court before going to the mediator, but it would be a waste of his time.
3. Why are you so afraid of his temper? Do you believe that he is dangerous? Has he ever been physically abusive?

It is hard to recognize how unhealthy long-established behavior patterns are sometimes when you're in them. In my experience, the more unhealthy the behavior, the less easy it is to accept and admit how unhealthy it is. Hang in there.


I have friends in the area, but no family and no close friends. If I need help now, it's him or his mother. There are a couple of parents in my child's circle that I'm friends with, but they don't know about the situation. They could probably help with pickup if they're available. Only a few friends know that the ex is a real pain. They don't know the extent of it. My close friends and family know.

Our agreement says we have to go back to court to make changes. It doesn't say anything about mediation.

I'm afraid of his temper because I know the drama that follows it. Dealing with him when he's like that is unbelievably stressful. I lose sleep. I can't focus at work. It makes everything difficult because I know he is going to find a way to push my buttons. That button is usually a custody dispute, or support related. He can't legally take her from me, but he can spend a lot of money to make things difficult and expensive.

I handed him all this control. It's of my own doing.


To look at this from a more positive standpoint, if you handed it to him, you can take it back. You yourself are saying it's in your control.
One thing to consider, if he takes you to court to make your life miserable, is to explain it to a judge what he does, and ask for limits on when he's allowed to file again. Some judges will refuse to entertain "nuisance" motions. If it continues, you can literally put a stop it.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 16:24     Subject: Ex doesn't want me to date
Anonymous wrote:Go to Walmart buy yourself a Tracphone for less than 20 bucks, load in some minutes and - presto! You now have your own private phone. Stop posting the details of your life on Facebook. And stop sitting next to him at your child's games. You both need to disentangle yourselves from each other and move forward,

You can be civil with him when it comes to his child. But he is your *Ex* - you owe him no details about your private romantic life.

If he tries to punish you in some way for blocking him out, document it. If it becomes a pattern with him he can explain it to the judge.



The tracfone is a good idea!

I don't post details of my personal life on FB. I was more concerned about comments from other people.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 16:22     Subject: Re:Ex doesn't want me to date
Anonymous wrote:

I'm the quoted poster, and also the one directly below who recommended the Women's Center (please, please get in touch with them - PLEASE).

I know first hand the slow process of getting back on your feet and how hard it is. I wanted to respond to your points one at a time, since you're reading here at least.

1. What does your support network look like generally? Do you have family in the area? Close friends? Do those people know the state of your relationship with your child's father? Are any of those people able to help with your child when you get stuck at work?
2. Were you married? Is there a legal document that spells out custody and obligations? My separation agreement, for example, says that if we want to change the agreement and can't agree on how to do that, we have to see a mediator for a set number of sessions (which we pay for proportional to income) before we can go to court. The document is attached to our divorce decree. I suppose he could TRY to go to court before going to the mediator, but it would be a waste of his time.
3. Why are you so afraid of his temper? Do you believe that he is dangerous? Has he ever been physically abusive?

It is hard to recognize how unhealthy long-established behavior patterns are sometimes when you're in them. In my experience, the more unhealthy the behavior, the less easy it is to accept and admit how unhealthy it is. Hang in there.


I have friends in the area, but no family and no close friends. If I need help now, it's him or his mother. There are a couple of parents in my child's circle that I'm friends with, but they don't know about the situation. They could probably help with pickup if they're available. Only a few friends know that the ex is a real pain. They don't know the extent of it. My close friends and family know.

Our agreement says we have to go back to court to make changes. It doesn't say anything about mediation.

I'm afraid of his temper because I know the drama that follows it. Dealing with him when he's like that is unbelievably stressful. I lose sleep. I can't focus at work. It makes everything difficult because I know he is going to find a way to push my buttons. That button is usually a custody dispute, or support related. He can't legally take her from me, but he can spend a lot of money to make things difficult and expensive.

I handed him all this control. It's of my own doing.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 16:20     Subject: Ex doesn't want me to date
Go to Walmart buy yourself a Tracphone for less than 20 bucks, load in some minutes and - presto! You now have your own private phone. Stop posting the details of your life on Facebook. And stop sitting next to him at your child's games. You both need to disentangle yourselves from each other and move forward,

You can be civil with him when it comes to his child. But he is your *Ex* - you owe him no details about your private romantic life.

If he tries to punish you in some way for blocking him out, document it. If it becomes a pattern with him he can explain it to the judge.

Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 15:50     Subject: Ex doesn't want me to date
Hi OP. you are still being abused by this motherfucker. Can you get counseling?
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 15:47     Subject: Re:Ex doesn't want me to date
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't think the OP is trying to make anyone jealous. I do think it's totally reasonable that someone who's dating you should have the expectation that at some point, your relationship will be public. There are not a lot of people who would be satisfied to be in a secret relationship. If you are trying to conceal any evidence of being in a relationship or even starting a relationship so that your ex-husband doesn't get mad about it, I can understand why a person might want to move on.

If you want to find a new partner, you need to be up front about doing that. I fully understand the income issues as I do not make that much more than you, but at some point, you are going to need to figure out a way to support yourself, rather than relying on your controlling, manipulative ex-husband for financial assistance that he believes allows him to choose your friends and activities for you.

Since you need specifics, here are mine:

1. change your email password to something that he'll never guess. There are guidelines you can look at for selecting a highly secure password. Use them.
2. get your own cell phone plan. You can keep your number. There are often introductory specials. There are prepaid phones.
3. make a point of going to your child's events on your own or with a friend. Have plans with non-threatening friends either immediately before or after the events, and tell him that you have plans. If he pushes, in the beginning, you can tell him, Oh, I'm meeting Karen for lunch or whatever. Later, do not provide details even if he asks for them. Some good phrases: "I'd rather not discuss my personal life" and "Let's focus on DC's event".
4. What do you do for a living? Try to figure out ways to increase your income so that you can depend on your ex less for financial assistance. If this means that you take a part time job for a while in order to save some money, then that's what it means.


I take overtime work when it's available. A part time job would pay about $15/hr. I work almost 50 hours a week now and I still need to parent. I can increase my savings every week. It will be a slow process.

I worry he'd make a scene at these events or start screaming at me in the parking lot. I can bring a friend. That's a good idea.

Making him angry is going to make everything difficult. He will yell at me if given a chance. I can hang up on him, but he will still be pissed when I have to see him. There will be no more help with DC if I get stuck at work. It could be that I'm unreasonably afraid of his temper.

I appreciate the advice.


I'm the quoted poster, and also the one directly below who recommended the Women's Center (please, please get in touch with them - PLEASE).

I know first hand the slow process of getting back on your feet and how hard it is. I wanted to respond to your points one at a time, since you're reading here at least.

1. What does your support network look like generally? Do you have family in the area? Close friends? Do those people know the state of your relationship with your child's father? Are any of those people able to help with your child when you get stuck at work?
2. Were you married? Is there a legal document that spells out custody and obligations? My separation agreement, for example, says that if we want to change the agreement and can't agree on how to do that, we have to see a mediator for a set number of sessions (which we pay for proportional to income) before we can go to court. The document is attached to our divorce decree. I suppose he could TRY to go to court before going to the mediator, but it would be a waste of his time.
3. Why are you so afraid of his temper? Do you believe that he is dangerous? Has he ever been physically abusive?

It is hard to recognize how unhealthy long-established behavior patterns are sometimes when you're in them. In my experience, the more unhealthy the behavior, the less easy it is to accept and admit how unhealthy it is. Hang in there.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 15:44     Subject: Ex doesn't want me to date
^^^ Not from what "your" posting.. from what "you're" posting.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 15:43     Subject: Ex doesn't want me to date
OMG.. OP, what has he done to you? Seriously.. what?

Take someone with you to these events. When he starts yelling walk away. If he continues to make a scene, have the friend ready to call the police.

What is he going to do, leave your child unattended if you get stuck at work?

From what your posting I get the distinct impression that this guy has been abusive. Verbally for sure, and I strongly suspect physically. You need counseling.

You can both be at your child's event without interacting. BIL and his ex didn't even look at each other.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 15:41     Subject: Re:Ex doesn't want me to date
OP, I think your biggest hurdle at this point is going to be breaking such a long established pattern. You've put up with this from him for so long that naturally, it is going to come as a shock to him and he will likely react badly. In the mind of a person like this, the only reason you could possibly have for wanting to change a pattern that has been "working just fine" for so long is that there is a new man in your life who is controlling you and doesn't like the competition. Maybe if you had stood up for your independence when you first separated, this would not be an issue now. Certainly the timing would have been slightly more logical than the timing of 10 years later, deciding that you are going to change things.

I think it's important for you to understand that you are in an abusive relationship with this man. Please understand that you are actually a victim. There are services that are available for victims of domestic abuse (which this is, even if he's never laid a hand on you) that can help you navigate how to extricate from this situation. There will be consequences, of course. The cozy co-parenting relationship you have with your ex (which I suspect is likely him calling the shots and you going along with his decisions) is probably going to evaporate. He may take you to court, but unless you have a separation agreement that specifically states that you're not allowed to date anyone, likely there's little he can do other than waste your time and money. The Women's Center can help you figure out the legal side of things - I would not want to give legal advice as I'm not actually a lawyer, just a lady who's been through a complicated divorce.

http://www.thewomenscenter.org/
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 15:37     Subject: Re:Ex doesn't want me to date
Anonymous wrote:I don't think the OP is trying to make anyone jealous. I do think it's totally reasonable that someone who's dating you should have the expectation that at some point, your relationship will be public. There are not a lot of people who would be satisfied to be in a secret relationship. If you are trying to conceal any evidence of being in a relationship or even starting a relationship so that your ex-husband doesn't get mad about it, I can understand why a person might want to move on.

If you want to find a new partner, you need to be up front about doing that. I fully understand the income issues as I do not make that much more than you, but at some point, you are going to need to figure out a way to support yourself, rather than relying on your controlling, manipulative ex-husband for financial assistance that he believes allows him to choose your friends and activities for you.

Since you need specifics, here are mine:

1. change your email password to something that he'll never guess. There are guidelines you can look at for selecting a highly secure password. Use them.
2. get your own cell phone plan. You can keep your number. There are often introductory specials. There are prepaid phones.
3. make a point of going to your child's events on your own or with a friend. Have plans with non-threatening friends either immediately before or after the events, and tell him that you have plans. If he pushes, in the beginning, you can tell him, Oh, I'm meeting Karen for lunch or whatever. Later, do not provide details even if he asks for them. Some good phrases: "I'd rather not discuss my personal life" and "Let's focus on DC's event".
4. What do you do for a living? Try to figure out ways to increase your income so that you can depend on your ex less for financial assistance. If this means that you take a part time job for a while in order to save some money, then that's what it means.


I take overtime work when it's available. A part time job would pay about $15/hr. I work almost 50 hours a week now and I still need to parent. I can increase my savings every week. It will be a slow process.

I worry he'd make a scene at these events or start screaming at me in the parking lot. I can bring a friend. That's a good idea.

Making him angry is going to make everything difficult. He will yell at me if given a chance. I can hang up on him, but he will still be pissed when I have to see him. There will be no more help with DC if I get stuck at work. It could be that I'm unreasonably afraid of his temper.

I appreciate the advice.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 15:36     Subject: Ex doesn't want me to date
I would strongly recommend counseling OP. It seems like you would greatly benefit from it.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 15:33     Subject: Ex doesn't want me to date
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Everyone should please note that the OP stated that this situation has been going on for 10 years.


That's just since our relationship ended. I realize it looks simple to many of the PPs. This is all I've known for most of my adult life. I'm not stupid. It is actually difficult to see another possibility. It's not necessary to be rude about this. I now it's a huge problem.

He's not giving me extra money.


I guess it is tough for people like myself who would never put up with that kind of treatment out of anyone. To me it would be simple. I'm the woman, I'm in the drivers seat, he has to pay money, and I probably have the majority of custody. Anything outside of him writing his check or decisions around the kids would be none of his god damn business. It would be THAT simple. I would be laughing at him. He's a fool, but you are even more foolish to tolerate it.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 15:27     Subject: Ex doesn't want me to date
Anonymous wrote:Everyone should please note that the OP stated that this situation has been going on for 10 years.


That's just since our relationship ended. I realize it looks simple to many of the PPs. This is all I've known for most of my adult life. I'm not stupid. It is actually difficult to see another possibility. It's not necessary to be rude about this. I now it's a huge problem.

He's not giving me extra money.