Anonymous wrote:The moms I have seen who care deeply about their Ds being popular -- in the traditional homecoming queen with a star athlete boyfriend -- are the ones who either had that themselves in HS and still define themselves by it or the ones who were no where close to popular or middle of the road and want their Ds in the cool crowd.

Let's be honest -- in an area where the adults have so much academic success, many/most were not the people who were popular in the traditional sense. They were too worried about getting their ivy acceptances so they could get out of their small towns, building a career that would allow them to acquire wealth/not return to their hometowns etc. It doesn't exactly go hand in hand with being star of the football team for most people -- though I do know a few exceptions. So now that they have kids and in this area -- many have money -- they are adamant that their kid WILL be cool/popular at all costs; at least that's what the PP's story about the lawyer mom who laid into her kid for not going out on Friday night and losing her standing makes it sound like. It's more about the mom than the kid.

Think that all depends. A lot of the men especially that we are around were probably average in school but real go getters,, total type A personalities, socially gifted and able to schmooze their way into anything, most were jock types and just got lucky, that same drive and ambition got them to be where they are today and they are expecting their own kids to follow suit. Then you have the highly intelligent ones who were not part of the in crowd and understand the value of education and have impressed this onto their own kids with little emphasis on social status.

Lets face it though few will admit it....in areas that are affluence and where power hungry adults abound, these very same type A people (often who were part of the Alpha crowd in HS but not always) will naturally want and expect the same for their kids. And anyone who says otherwise is full of crap!!!!

I live in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods around here, my kids go to one of the most sought after privates and let me tell you I would venture to say MOST of the parents though not all would fit into this category. It is to the point of ad nauseamt, trust me I see it every day. Thankfully my kids do not feel pressured to be part of that world nor do I so this does not really affect us.

But we are surrounded. I see a little of it with my 9th grade son who happens to be a very skilled lacrosse player but is very immature and could care less about pecking orders and who is going out with who, he still plays with legos for goodness sake but I see these moms and dads in action and it is not a pretty sight.

You can go on and on about how its so odd and it doesn't really exist in numbers or that its the exception and not the rule, you are kidding yourself. Where there is affluence and a lust for power, there will be parents wanting and expecting the same out of their kids.

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids, my oldest is 14, a daughter. i am starting to see she is kind of a loner. She is well adjusted, is a happy kid, very artsy but just not super social. It does hurt me as I was very social growing up. The phone rarely rings and most weekends she is home doing things with us when I know many her age are off to malls, parties and such. The most important thing is that she is truly a happy kid and is as happy shopping with me or taking on a art project. Once in a while she will do something with a friend but its maybe one to two times a month. I am starting to accept it even though I badgered for a long time. I cannot lie it still bothers me.

Just wondering from a mother's perspective, what is it to be the mother of a very popular teen? Do you ever wish that was not the way or do you bask in the glory? Is it not all that its cracked up to be? Lonely at the top? Because its anonymous was hoping for answers to something I have always wanted to know, hopefully everyone can speak honestly. Is the phone constantly ringing and shes or he is always being asked to do this or that, and its you putting a limit to how much they do? Sometimes I wish I had that problem, other times I am thankful I just have a happy well adjusted kid even if she chooses to not have many friends. Thanks for indulging me

I think you should be more than proud that you are raising a child that doesn't rely on the outside world to make her happy. High school is just a passing thing. She should be more focused on her education and creative freedom than what other kids her age are doing - and it seems like she is! Besides when you grow up you only have a few really close friends anyway...

The moms I have seen who care deeply about their Ds being popular -- in the traditional homecoming queen with a star athlete boyfriend -- are the ones who either had that themselves in HS and still define themselves by it or the ones who were no where close to popular or middle of the road and want their Ds in the cool crowd.

Let's be honest -- in an area where the adults have so much academic success, many/most were not the people who were popular in the traditional sense. They were too worried about getting their ivy acceptances so they could get out of their small towns, building a career that would allow them to acquire wealth/not return to their hometowns etc. It doesn't exactly go hand in hand with being star of the football team for most people -- though I do know a few exceptions. So now that they have kids and in this area -- many have money -- they are adamant that their kid WILL be cool/popular at all costs; at least that's what the PP's story about the lawyer mom who laid into her kid for not going out on Friday night and losing her standing makes it sound like. It's more about the mom than the kid.

I think it's fine to care about popularity -- you shouldn't want your kid to be left out. However, realize that there are different shades of popularity. Ultimately, I think HS is best/easiest for those who have a group of friends -- not huge but not just one other person either -- and an activity that they're committed to. Those kids always have people to hang with, people to go to events with, can call someone up when they're bored, and can party to the extent they want to -- maybe not the crazed frat party kind of partying, but they can invite 10-20 people over for a birthday and have a good time. Those kids generally seem more grounded and secure, as they know their friends don't like them because of their clothes or their relationship status.

The trickier road is for those who aspire to be truly "popular" -- part of the alpha group at their school, whether that consists of the athletes, the wealthy or whatever. It is a road that seems really glamorous as those are the kids with the best clothes/cars, always have boyfriends/girlfriends, are consistently on homecoming court etc. But the amount of drama that goes on is a time waster. In those kinds of groups friendships can be more fickle and can change in an instant -- so there's constant concern about how every little thing will be perceived; i.e. I have played flute since grade school and really want to try out for band but what will everyone say if I'm a band geek; or my bf just broke up with me -- I need another guy asap so everyone thinks it was a mutual break.

These are not the kinds of things that typically go hand in hand with top academics. Sure there may be 1 kid that has it all and can do all of the preceding while still acing 7 AP classes, but for most that kind of drama takes time and effort and does detract from school. I had plenty of these kids that I grew up with (and in my public high school -- the varsity football guys and their girlfriends ruled the school). 10-15 yrs after the fact many are still in our hometown, working for their dads' small businesses, and talking about their glory days.

If you're not happy with where you D is at (and tread lightly bc she IS happy) -- why not just encourage her to join an activity or two where she'll meet more kids? The time consuming activities tend to lead to tight groups of friends -- sports; newspaper/yearbook; band; youth group etc -- bc when you spend hours and hours with someone on a common endeavor, you may realize that you really like them as a person.

I think OP that most parents care about popularity even though most won't admit it. The problem is even among the nerds, there is a pecking order and no one wants to be left out.

Signed a very involved mom who wants her kids to excel academically.

The fact that most of you evaluate whether a child is "popular" is rather funny ~ sounds like a Lifetime Movie.

I'm sure unless they are a very extreme outliner, they have friends. It's just under your radar. Probably not their style to be on the Homecoming Court and they are no worse off. If you make it your business you are probably doing them a disservice.

To me, it doesn't sound like your daughter is suffering from a lack of popularity, just a lack of friends. My kids are not popular (kind of social misfits, to be honest) but have tight groups of friends and hang out with them frequently.

Anonymous wrote:My kids are not super popular (twin girls) but have a nice circle of good friends. Everyone likes them they are not at the high end of the social ladder but comfortably in the middle which works for me. I do want to say however that it is not true that ALL popular kids are doing drugs, alcohol and having sex. The comment is just ridiculous and irresponsible.

My niece (same school) one year older is considered by most to be the most if not one of the most popular girls not only in her grade but the entire high school I know for certain she does not do drugs or have sex but will not say she does not drink when she is occasionally at a party. So the implication is wrong. There seems to be a lot of angry bent out of shape people on this thread.

Or we're just generalizing from our own high school experiences. The alpha crowd in my school was doing some serious drinking and many were doing drugs - I know, because I was occasionally invited along. Further down the social hierarchy there was less drinking and better grades (but far from no drinking), until you got to the serious potheads. I cal also tell you that only a single member of the "popular crowd" was in the top 25 students or so.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being popular takes a lot of time and energy. the popular kids in our school are not the sharpest blades in the shed. Sorry.

Think it depends where you go to school. In my kids classes some popular kids are brainy, some jocks, some funny, some really attractive or a combination of these. It's hard to generalize.

Agreed. Depends on school. In my sons private, most popular kids as far as boys are the jocks and the girls, its the really pretty prissy ones. But I realize things could be different in other schools.

My kids are not super popular (twin girls) but have a nice circle of good friends. Everyone likes them they are not at the high end of the social ladder but comfortably in the middle which works for me. I do want to say however that it is not true that ALL popular kids are doing drugs, alcohol and having sex. The comment is just ridiculous and irresponsible.

My niece (same school) one year older is considered by most to be the most if not one of the most popular girls not only in her grade but the entire high school I know for certain she does not do drugs or have sex but will not say she does not drink when she is occasionally at a party. So the implication is wrong. There seems to be a lot of angry bent out of shape people on this thread.

Anonymous wrote:Being popular takes a lot of time and energy. the popular kids in our school are not the sharpest blades in the shed. Sorry.

Think it depends where you go to school. In my kids classes some popular kids are brainy, some jocks, some funny, some really attractive or a combination of these. It's hard to generalize.

Being popular takes a lot of time and energy. the popular kids in our school are not the sharpest blades in the shed. Sorry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Popular kids are definitely doing drugs, drinking, and having sex. I would prefer mine to be "average" or "unpopular". They really have a lot to manage when they get into stuff they are not ready for. Just adds to an already stressful time in life. I wouldn't want to revisit my adolescence for anything, or have to deal with being the parent of a popular kid. You are lucky, OP!

I deeply resent this comment. What an ignorant blanket statement! My D is a 16 year old honor student, straight A's, captain of two teams, as hard working as they come and very popular. She DOES NOT do drugs, believes in waiting until marriage to have sex rarely drinks. She does not do the party scene on a regular basis because she practices her sport early mornings on Sat. and Sunday ( a blessing in disguise). I really think you need to retract that statement, you might want to say "in your opinion, many popular kids,etc....." but to lump them all together and make it sound so matter of fact is crazy talk!

No, she's a jock. There's a difference between jocks and the popular kids.

Huh. At my kids' school, the jocks ARE the popular kids.

Anonymous wrote:Popular kids are definitely doing drugs, drinking, and having sex. I would prefer mine to be "average" or "unpopular". They really have a lot to manage when they get into stuff they are not ready for. Just adds to an already stressful time in life. I wouldn't want to revisit my adolescence for anything, or have to deal with being the parent of a popular kid. You are lucky, OP!

completely agree