Anonymous wrote:OP, I would advise you to remember that anyone and everyone comes onto DCUM now. Just because some poster claims to be a parent of a child the same age as yours proves nothing. Also, that parent could in fact make very bad parenting choices and give you very bad advice.

Frankly, 17 is not the age for a committed relationship by any definition. Your kid is just that: a kid who needs guidance from you. Steer your kid in the direction that will get a good college placement child free.

The girlfriend is temporary. Even if they (Gawd forbid) married some day, your focus is now. Make sure you get better advice from family and friends than you will ever get on a wide open forum like DCUM because the last thing your son needs is a child of his own at his age.

Remember: condoms break and kids are impulsive and plagued by inexperience and bad judgment.

Consider the future.

I'm the PP you seem to be referring to and I absolutely have a 17 year-old DD. And there's nothing wrong with my parenting choices, even if you disagree. I do not expect my DD's relationship to last forever, or even when they go to college. But then again I don't expect her to marry the first person she sleeps with. By "committed relationship" I do not mean forever. I mean loving, exclusive, trusting. I had a relationship like that when I was 18 and I don't see 17 as really that different. I think a 17 is absolutely capable of love and commitment. Having sex within such a relationship is good judgment, not bad.

There is this obsession with pregnancy and I agree that you need to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. But that happens when you educate your DC about condoms, not from closing your eyes and hoping that since you've banned them from being alone in the house, they won't have sex. Seriously, what is your goal? To keep your DC safe, to prevent STDs and pregnancies. Thats my goal as well.

Lets play this posters' scenario out. Your DS is in love with someone his age. You tell him he cannot be alone in his room with his girlfriend, with the door closed. Furthermore, you tell him he cannot have sex. Do you expect him to say "you're right, mom. I won't have sex." Do you really? This is what will actually happen -- your DS will just avoid being in your house with his girlfriend. Maybe they'll spend their time at her house. Fine. (But having your DS and girlfriend around is a good thing. You get to know her. She joins your family for dinner. You talk. or you can let that all happen at her house and you can barely see them.) Maybe they'll have sex whenever they have the opportunity, in cars, someone's bedroom during a party, in the woods during a dance. If their goal is to grab those opportunities, and those opportunities are a rare resource, do you really think they'll resist if they don't have a condom?

And those of you who take that approach, have you ever had a genuine conversation with your child about sex? I don't mean a lecture, I mean an actual discussion in which they share their thoughts as well, and ask questions. Because if the only way is your way, what is there to discuss?

OP, I would advise you to remember that anyone and everyone comes onto DCUM now. Just because some poster claims to be a parent of a child the same age as yours proves nothing. Also, that parent could in fact make very bad parenting choices and give you very bad advice.

Frankly, 17 is not the age for a committed relationship by any definition. Your kid is just that: a kid who needs guidance from you. Steer your kid in the direction that will get a good college placement child free.

The girlfriend is temporary. Even if they (Gawd forbid) married some day, your focus is now. Make sure you get better advice from family and friends than you will ever get on a wide open forum like DCUM because the last thing your son needs is a child of his own at his age.

Remember: condoms break and kids are impulsive and plagued by inexperience and bad judgment.

Consider the future.

It's really wrongheaded these days to think that sex in public places won't get your kid nailed with a sex offender charge. Goodbye college and jobs! Hello, living under a bridge.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the beginning of a Lifetime Network movie.

?

I meant .

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the beginning of a Lifetime Network movie.

?

of course it's okay if they are otherwise responsible, mature kids. (I'd worry if I saw warning signs of some kind in the relationship.) I wouldn't allow "one night stands", but to be alone in his own room with his girlfriend, by all means. You've got to start easing up on the control as kids go through their teens, otherwise, you are expecting them to grow up overnight when they turn 18.

Anonymous wrote:With the door shut?
I'm ok with some fooling around and we've had lots of talks about going slow but I'm not sure if it's ok.

How do you feel about being a grandma?

To me a soft bed to have sex comes from you being old enough to rent your own place. I as a parent am not going to facilitate.

That said no matter what, I think parents need to have very blunt conversations about their expectations sex or no sex, birth control and STDs. If they don't feel comfortable on these topics please ask their pediatrician to discuss it on their next visit. Also this should not be at 17, I had this conversation at 10, 11, 12 just needs to be said over and over.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely disagree that he needs privacy in your house, for the purpose of sex. He wants it, but that didn't mean he needs it. I think privacy for having sex is something that is earned in adulthood through getting into college or getting your own apartment. It's one of the privileges of adulthood, not a right of childhood.

I absolutely would not allow it in my house. Seriously, if they haw sex in a car, well, that's part of being a teenager. My job as a parent is not to provide a place to have sex. I don't think my 17 should be having sex -- it's just not respectful or intimate or cool to fuck someone in your parents' house with your door shut and your parent there. Shoot, I wouldn't even have sex as an adult with my parents in another room! Teens can wait to be alone and intimate. And sometimes alone means in the car.

What about privacy to kiss/make-out?

Good question. In general, I don't think it's my responsibility to provide that. But if my kid is watching a movie with his girlfriend and he's kissing her in the family room while I walk in, I don't have a problem with that. But I'm not going to provide a closed door so he could get under her shirt. It's not that I think that he won't be getting under her shirt at some point; it's just not my place to facilitate that in my home. (Similarly, I think that would be strange behavior of a 25 year old visiting.)

A pp above said he/she didn't think I'd ever have an open talk with my son about sex. But we do. I'm pretty blunt about this stuff. I think sex is a privilege of responsible adulthood. Some mature teenagers have good, healthy sex lives. Most do not. I think that sex with someone you love should happen in privacy, safety, and intimacy, and when both partners are fully consenting and able to cope with any consequences of sex such as unplanned pregnancy. That privacy he will have to earn by getting his own dorm room or apartment. We talk really openly about a lot of stuff, including all the other things he could choose to do with a partner other than PIV sex. We have a great book for teenagers called something like the "a guide to Getting It On" which is both very frank about physical stuff and very good about emotional, relationship, and consent issues, too, and I know he's read at least parts of it.

I do agree with pp's about the need for privacy within a relationship. I talk to my son about condoms but not about whether his girlfriend is a virgin or the details of what they do and don't do...sometimes he has volunteered some information and I have gently reminded them this intimate details should really be between them unless she's consented to him discussing them with me.

I don't think it's a double standard that I'll talk to him about sex but not facilitate him having sex in my house. He needs to know about sex and have a trusted adult to advise and guide him as he makes decisions about sex. He doesn't need me to provide a convenient place for him to have sex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Really OP? Talk to her mother?!? Just grow a backbone. Tell him you expect him not to have sex in your house with his girlfriend who he will probably end up dumping. Condoms don't protect you from everything especially HPV. I hope you did Gardasil in him or that ship has already sailed.

Who cares if they have sex in a car, on a friend's couch, in a park, etc? They are teenagers. They will do that even if you allow them to have sex in your own house.

Be the adult here.

"Girlfriend who he will probably end up dumping" - say that to your kid and they won't ever listen to another word you say.

No one said you would actually say that to your child. A "committed relationship" at 17 includes a lot of sex and not a lot of commitment.

OP never addressed the Gardasil issue. My money is in her not doing that for her son. If anyone should have a door open it is her DS who will be happily spreading an STD at any chance he gets-- committed relationship or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Really OP? Talk to her mother?!? Just grow a backbone. Tell him you expect him not to have sex in your house with his girlfriend who he will probably end up dumping. Condoms don't protect you from everything especially HPV. I hope you did Gardasil in him or that ship has already sailed.

Who cares if they have sex in a car, on a friend's couch, in a park, etc? They are teenagers. They will do that even if you allow them to have sex in your own house.

Be the adult here.

Did you read 11:23 post. I think there are many good points in the post. It's not about having a backbone, it's about deciding the best way to approach this issue. Is it "who cares if they have sex in a park, just not in my house?" Frankly, that doesn't make much sense to me. The PP said that if you accept it's normal and ok for 17 yr olds in a committed relationship to have protected sex, why make them sneak around? I'm not sure what I think but it's a good point. The reason I mentioned the DD's mother is if she is very against this, it would influence my decision.

NOOOO, do not ask the parents of the girl permission and stop worrying about the heat of the moment and such. You do not belong in the middle of their relationship, including their sexual relationship. You have had the important conversations, thats what a parent should do. Beyond that you have no role. And you should absolutely not talk to her parents. What they discuss with their daughter is their business. Asking their permission smacks of the very out dated and sexist idea of asking their permission to marry, only creepier because it has to do with sex and because you aren't the one doing it. if DD's mother is against it, that is between her and her daughter. You have no business enforcing their rules. The mother knows that her daughter is in a relationship and can assume she knows her daughter has or will soon have sex. How she approaches this is her business. And think about it, the whole idea that you all have to work together to preserve this girl's virginity or whatever is pretty sexist, don't you think?

These are 17 year olds. You have given your DS all the appropriate guidance. Now he needs privacy.

I'd like to hear about this young man's responsibilities and not just his need for privacy.

What type of responsibilities are you referring to? chores? His job?

Are you implying that if he is responsible it's ok for him to have sex, but if he doesn't have enough responsibilities, he shouldn't have sex?
He is erratically responsible, like many 17 yr olds.

Anonymous wrote:Just assume they are having sex when you aren't home or her folks aren't home. Provide your son with condoms, and definitely don't let them head off to his room alone.

So it's ok if we don't know about it and they sneak/lie about it? Don't ask, don't tell?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Really OP? Talk to her mother?!? Just grow a backbone. Tell him you expect him not to have sex in your house with his girlfriend who he will probably end up dumping. Condoms don't protect you from everything especially HPV. I hope you did Gardasil in him or that ship has already sailed.

Who cares if they have sex in a car, on a friend's couch, in a park, etc? They are teenagers. They will do that even if you allow them to have sex in your own house.

Be the adult here.

Did you read 11:23 post. I think there are many good points in the post. It's not about having a backbone, it's about deciding the best way to approach this issue. Is it "who cares if they have sex in a park, just not in my house?" Frankly, that doesn't make much sense to me. The PP said that if you accept it's normal and ok for 17 yr olds in a committed relationship to have protected sex, why make them sneak around? I'm not sure what I think but it's a good point. The reason I mentioned the DD's mother is if she is very against this, it would influence my decision.

I think those who think it's okay to have sex behind a closed door in their parents' home need to define "committed relationship." These kids are 17.

So do you or will you forbid your 17/18 yr olds from having sex?

Just assume they are having sex when you aren't home or her folks aren't home. Provide your son with condoms, and definitely don't let them head off to his room alone.

Anonymous wrote:I completely disagree that he needs privacy in your house, for the purpose of sex. He wants it, but that didn't mean he needs it. I think privacy for having sex is something that is earned in adulthood through getting into college or getting your own apartment. It's one of the privileges of adulthood, not a right of childhood.

I absolutely would not allow it in my house. Seriously, if they haw sex in a car, well, that's part of being a teenager. My job as a parent is not to provide a place to have sex. I don't think my 17 should be having sex -- it's just not respectful or intimate or cool to fuck someone in your parents' house with your door shut and your parent there. Shoot, I wouldn't even have sex as an adult with my parents in another room! Teens can wait to be alone and intimate. And sometimes alone means in the car.

What about privacy to kiss/make-out?