Anonymous
12/18/2013 16:06
Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
Anonymous wrote:OP here- 8 months or 1-2 months postpartum, I know! I think that makes me pretty cool that he gets to go away for the weekend and me not give him a hard time about it. No, I haven't freaked out about it YET. Our conversations about it have been civil and calm and I thought we were on the same page. But I will freak out if he goes and lies to me about it. Especially after I told him I understand and told him he doesn't have to lie and I'd rather just know and that it would make it worse if he went and lied about it. Yes, I know they are my insecurities but HE HAS THE SAME ONES WHEN IT COMES TO ME. It's a mutual thing. And knowing that it bothers me he said would not participate in that part of it even though I did not completely forbid it and he said he doesn't like those places anyway. I know he wouldn't just go on his own. I don't think I am being irrational and apparently there are many women who agree with me. I admitted that it would not be the end of the world if he went although it would still bother me but the lying about it is what is making it worse.
What? It makes you "Cool" because he "gets" to go away and you won't give him a hard time about it?
Jeeze louise!
That doesn't make you cool, that makes you unbearable.
Why in the world does your husband NEED your permission to do anything?
Certainly you two should work out scheduling conflicts and making sure shared goals and tasks are accomplished - but for cryin' out loud, if you want to be with a MAN you need to treat him like a MAN.
Anonymous
12/18/2013 16:02
Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
OP: Is your irrational insecurity worth more than emasculating him with certainty with his male friends?
Btw, women: Men make lies like this all the time when the woman is being irrational and the consequences of the contemplated behavior are nil.
oh and I liked the subtle part about how you found out...happened to be checking his email for something else and saw this! hahaha
stay out of his shit!
Btw, women: Men make lies like this all the time when the woman is being irrational and the consequences of the contemplated behavior are nil.
oh and I liked the subtle part about how you found out...happened to be checking his email for something else and saw this! hahaha
stay out of his shit!
Anonymous
12/18/2013 16:00
Subject: Re:Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
+1 exactly! Stop the fucking games. If he feels like he'll be the pussy in front of his friends, then he should have the balls to tell DW and tell her he's going. Don't sound like there is a middle ground for compromise. So many boys, so few men.
Anonymous
12/18/2013 15:49
Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
Anonymous wrote:Okay so you conveyed your thoughts to him on the matter and said that you didn't like the idea of him going to a strip club. To appease you and avoid confrontation he lied and said that wasn't in the plan. Then you find out what he told you was nonsense and he really is actually planning to go to a strip club.
Well...tough shit.
Obviously he has made his decision and he is going to the strip club. So what are you going to do - ground him? You gonna take his cell phone? You gonna call his mom and tell him what a horrible husband he is?
Please - grow up.
He's a grown ass man and he is capable of and entitled to make his own damn decisions whether you like them or not. Just because you are married to him that doesn't give you jurisdiction over his every move til death do you part.
Look, he's not a frequent patron of strip clubs and you already said that you trust him not to cross any lines - so what is the problem? What you don't like being lied to? Well guess what, he doesn't like being told where he can/cannot go.
I tell you what - you learn how to be less of a controlling uncompromising autocrat and I guarantee he'll stop lying to you.
NP here -- how about this: if he decides to go to a strip club, despite agreeing to his wife that he wouldn't, then he fucking grows a pair and tells her. That's called "being an adult." Strip clubs being on/off limits, that's all debatable, and up to the people in the marriage to work out. But they had an agreement. If he wants to renegotiate, he should treat his wife like a partner and tell her, instead of sneaking around. That's out of bounds.
Anonymous
12/18/2013 15:45
Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
Want to make your man feel like a total pussy? Make him say to his guy friends, gee sorry bros, I can't go to the strip club with you. I'll be back at the hotel waiting, just let me know when you're done having fun.
Its not like he is fucking the girls!
Do you prevent him from watching porn too?
Its not like he is fucking the girls!
Do you prevent him from watching porn too?
Anonymous
12/18/2013 15:33
Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
Anonymous wrote:The guys got it pretty good!
If he's gotta lie to get you to stop nagging him I seriously doubt he's living the high life.
Anonymous
12/18/2013 15:26
Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
And sure, he is entitled to make his own damn decisions but we are married and should mutually take each others feelings about things into consideration. I also mentioned briefly that I am not a prude. He can have sex with me basically whenever he wants and I try new things with him if he wants to, etc. The guys got it pretty good!
Anonymous
12/18/2013 15:23
Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
OP here. I am going to talk to him tonight and I will let you all know tomorrow. To the Previous PP, I don't think I am that controlling and as I said he would feel the same was as me about me going to something similar. Probably not quite as strongly but he would not appreciate it. He is "getting" to go away for an entire weekend with his buddies while I am misreable and pregnant or caring for a toddler and newborn. How bad does he have it? Geesh. He also went on a 3 day bachelor cruise in 2012 with friends, also while I was at home pregnant. I didn't give him a hard time then either. The strip club bothers me and he knows it. I don't think it's too much to want him to sit that part out. But even when I told him I'd rather just know and understand the situation he still denies it. Maybe you don't mind, but NO, I don't like being lied to. And neither does he.
Anonymous
12/18/2013 15:10
Subject: Re:Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
Anonymous wrote:A PP here--look, it would bother me even if I was not pregnant. Every marriage is different and in ours, this is not ok. And the lying, of course, is even worse. When you talk with him, please do not reference your "hormonal" pregnant state. It's dismissing your credibility. You would be upset to be lied to and at the threat of another woman touching your DH even if you were not pregnant, I think.
Yes yes it has to be face to face and during a time when kids are in bed and not going to interrupt you at a critical moment. Get the phone off the hook and cell phones in another room where you can't hear them dinging.
You should ask him again (don't tip your hand) before you tell him you saw his "down low" reply. Because if you don't, then he's not going to say "oh you heard me wrong two months ago" or anything. He will be there with the just-said lie, and this is where you DON'T pounce (like a cross-examiner would) because you are trying to make the marriage better. So you don't pounce, but you calmly wade into the murky mess with your evidence, and then hopefully get to a place where the two of you can wade back out together, hand in hand.
It will be fine, OP. And I know the lie is the more important thing, but also it's relieving that this discussion is happening before, not after the event.
OP here. I think you are right. Thank you for this and this is what I plan on doing. Oh, and he already knows that it bothers me pregnant or not! I never blame stuff on that...hate it when women blame PMS for legit complaints or concerns too!
It's PP above. Good. Also just want to say that one of my sentences should say, "Because if you don't, then he's going to say…" (there is a "not" where it should not be!)
Anonymous
12/18/2013 15:02
Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
Okay so you conveyed your thoughts to him on the matter and said that you didn't like the idea of him going to a strip club. To appease you and avoid confrontation he lied and said that wasn't in the plan. Then you find out what he told you was nonsense and he really is actually planning to go to a strip club.
Well...tough shit.
Obviously he has made his decision and he is going to the strip club. So what are you going to do - ground him? You gonna take his cell phone? You gonna call his mom and tell him what a horrible husband he is?
Please - grow up.
He's a grown ass man and he is capable of and entitled to make his own damn decisions whether you like them or not. Just because you are married to him that doesn't give you jurisdiction over his every move til death do you part.
Look, he's not a frequent patron of strip clubs and you already said that you trust him not to cross any lines - so what is the problem? What you don't like being lied to? Well guess what, he doesn't like being told where he can/cannot go.
I tell you what - you learn how to be less of a controlling uncompromising autocrat and I guarantee he'll stop lying to you.
Well...tough shit.
Obviously he has made his decision and he is going to the strip club. So what are you going to do - ground him? You gonna take his cell phone? You gonna call his mom and tell him what a horrible husband he is?
Please - grow up.
He's a grown ass man and he is capable of and entitled to make his own damn decisions whether you like them or not. Just because you are married to him that doesn't give you jurisdiction over his every move til death do you part.
Look, he's not a frequent patron of strip clubs and you already said that you trust him not to cross any lines - so what is the problem? What you don't like being lied to? Well guess what, he doesn't like being told where he can/cannot go.
I tell you what - you learn how to be less of a controlling uncompromising autocrat and I guarantee he'll stop lying to you.
Anonymous
12/18/2013 14:58
Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
My husband went to a bachelor party weekend in Vegas. I blew up his credit card and went shopping at Burberry. Win, win.
Anonymous
12/18/2013 14:31
Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
OP,
I don't think the strip club is a big deal, just my personal opinion- but if that is what you have both decided that that is fair. I do feel you have every right to be angry about him lying. I would confront him, say you know and wait and see what his response is. If he comes clean about it, that is a good starting point to have a conversation (when you are both calm) about what you expect in your marriage, about honesty, etc. If he continues to lie..well, that would be very worrisome..because what else is he lying about? I would think counseling might be the next step.
I don't think the strip club is a big deal, just my personal opinion- but if that is what you have both decided that that is fair. I do feel you have every right to be angry about him lying. I would confront him, say you know and wait and see what his response is. If he comes clean about it, that is a good starting point to have a conversation (when you are both calm) about what you expect in your marriage, about honesty, etc. If he continues to lie..well, that would be very worrisome..because what else is he lying about? I would think counseling might be the next step.
Anonymous
12/18/2013 13:32
Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
gee i'm sure he just offered up to you the fact that he won't go without you doing anything at all to pressure him
i'm sure you never said anything about it in the past, made no offhanded comments, never scrunched your face or made him feel guilty for something he was contemplating...not ever..never
so without any prior discussion no ability for him to divine your reaction - he just said, no i wont go
don't buy it
you've long established to him that this would be unacceptable even if you didnt say it right then
goodness, seeing some skanks dance around naked is not going to ruin your marriage but you being such a tight ass certainly will.
i'm sure you never said anything about it in the past, made no offhanded comments, never scrunched your face or made him feel guilty for something he was contemplating...not ever..never
so without any prior discussion no ability for him to divine your reaction - he just said, no i wont go
don't buy it
you've long established to him that this would be unacceptable even if you didnt say it right then
goodness, seeing some skanks dance around naked is not going to ruin your marriage but you being such a tight ass certainly will.
Anonymous
12/18/2013 13:31
Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
Anonymous wrote:Ugh. Why don't men just grow the f up already when it comes to bachelor parties. If a dude needs strippers in an effort to have "fun" "one last time", then he's not ready to get married.
You think guys are the only ones that have strippers at parties? I have been to a few bachelorette parties/weekends where male strippers were present.
Anonymous
12/18/2013 13:28
Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
Also, he would not appreciate it if I went to a bachleorette party where there was male strippers. And I would not go because of that and because I think it's stupid anyway.