OP-- we have the same kid. We have the same struggles too. Sounds like you are doing just fine. One thing that changed for us is that instead of looking at it like you get ____ hours week/day etc. We switched it to something you earn. Do your homework, chores, etc then you get screen time. Those things aren't done? No screen time.

The concept of NOT limiting what kids do is foreign to me. I limit screen time in addition to junk food and soda. Their brains will always make the wrong choice at this age. It is my job to help them make the right choice.

OP here, and lots of good perspectives here. I even agree with those who think I am being a control freak about screentime for a 14-year-old. I also agree with those who pointed out that firm expectations and consistency reduce household stress. I even agree with the poster who said girls are easier, at least ours is (she's now in a good college). The door slamming is definitely not allowed and he apologized.

He also has self-regulation issues so I suspect that he needs some kind of limit. He also does not do sports despite our many many efforts to promote that. The prospect of using screentime as a reward for doing the right thing also feels wrong and also exhausting to keep track of. To those who think I'm a bad mother to allow a kid to have so few interests, I agree. I will say this, he's a swell kid in general and a sweetheart. So I'm not despairing.

BTDT OP. This was once the most problematic issues we had to deal with our DS

Before I start, 2 things to consider. First 14 is not 8 or 9. I assume that he is in HS. You cannot give the 14YO HS student the same rules that you give a 10YO. I get why you have this rule, but I am not so sure it is age appropriate.

Second, at the advice of a teacher, we did not fight our DS's interest in video games and computers. We embraced it. I fear that your restrictions may be squelching a legit interest in computers and such. He is at the age where he is starting to think about what he wants to be as an adult. With our DS, we sent him to a video game design class 2 summers running. It gave him screen time but also gave him a more acadademic understanding of things. He still plays but his interest is deeper than just playing. In your case, consider extracurriculars that serve 2 purposes - screentime and encouraging an interest.

Finally, we found that when we limited DS to 3 hours a week computer and gaming time, he would only plamy games during those 3 hours. When we expanded his hours, we found that he was more likely to do other things - research topics that interested him, for example. Depends on the kid though.

I would also talk to DH about enforcement - especially if he is the one that feels strongly. He should be the one explaning to DS why the rule is what it is. Not fair to you for you to be the bad cop when you feel strongly the other way.

GL

Anonymous wrote:What message are you sending concerning girls/girlfriends?Young men who are interested in attracting girls don't spend all of their time in solitary on a computer ~ they play sports (in part to make themselves more attractive to girls), they hang with their buds (in hopes of meeting girls) I know he's only 14 (so not dating) but make sure he knows you are ok with boy-girl socializing and him having a high school girlfriend -eventually, if that should happen- will be ok with you & husband. I know this might sound like it's coming out of left field.

Yeah, this is coming out of left field.

I personally think not allowing any screentime for a teenager is a bit ott. They are old enough to not be treated like little kids. Homework is important though and if this is what will get him to do it, good.

What message are you sending concerning girls/girlfriends?Young men who are interested in attracting girls don't spend all of their time in solitary on a computer ~ they play sports (in part to make themselves more attractive to girls), they hang with their buds (in hopes of meeting girls) I know he's only 14 (so not dating) but make sure he knows you are ok with boy-girl socializing and him having a high school girlfriend -eventually, if that should happen- will be ok with you & husband. I know this might sound like it's coming out of left field.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound rigid. Why do you ban screen time? That's so weird.

I ban it too. How is that weird? It's a complete waste of time and can squeeze out more important things. Plus, DC can wait til the weekends.

It's weird because it sounds like a control thing, not a screen time thing. OP's real battle her is over control.

Anonymous wrote:Man when I was 14 all I did was drink alcohol and have sex. Screen time and homework were the least of my parents worries.

Wow, you sure are a winner.

Anonymous wrote:We ban screen time on weeknights. Kid is 14.

When homework is done, we talk about it, and sometimes say "yes" if it isn't that late.

So your actually not banning screen time....

Anonymous wrote:OP here. All true. He apologized for slamming doors and is using his three hours of non-school-day screentime this morning but I am as confounded as ever.

I am caught between two ideas and struggling to know which is the right course. We have always had restrictions (3 hours screentime on weekends/summer days and 1 hour when homework done.) With these restrictions at least he mostly did the homework so it seemed to help him succeed.

OTOH, it could be that the restrictions are conditioning him (Pavlovian-style) to want only the video games and nothing else. In which case we should remove all restrictions and let him find his own mojo to succeed. He is 14, after all.

The intermediate course that was suggested: base it on grades, seems like an appropriate compromise, but no. If we based screentime freedom on his getting good grades, that would put us quickly back in the restrictive zone (he is smart but experience has shown he will not do the homework).

DH and I have been worrying over this quandary for YEARS. DH believes in the restrictions, I support the freedom. I rue the day we got a toddler a Gameboy, but now the damage is done and I don't know what is the right course. Are there any studies on this phenomenon?

Wow. Three hours of screen time a day is a LOT. Our kids have no screen time during the week. Period. Whether homework is done or not. If they are done with homework, they can read a book, play with something, or interact with another family member. Even on the weekend they only get 1 hour a day (if homework is done). Three hours of screen time a day means that you really don't know what to do with yourself when you can't watch tv or play on the computer.

BTW, your child is just testing you. He made a deal he doesn't like. Now he wants to see if his bad temper gets you to re-negotiate. It's up to you what you want to teach him -- a deal once made can be broken, showing a temper achieves a goal, etc.

Does your child do any sports? Life requires balance. Some computer is OK. All kids should learn to nurture different interests -- books, computer, music, art, sports and school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand parents who restrict TV time. 1 hour? The constant watching of the clock would ruin the experience.

I have 4 children, from 5 to 18. My oldest is a movie buff and loves TV. She's away at college and is still the same way but she does well in school. I have never restricted TV watching and the tube is always on at my house. As a result, it's a non-factor for my children.

Banning something is a surefire way to give it more importance than it really has. IMO, it's better to remove restrictions and let these next few years be about him learning his limits, rather than sheltering him and turning him loose at 18.

The tube is always on? Well, I couldn't live in your house. That would drive me bonkers.

Maybe you have a sensory disorder.

Not likely. And if " can't stand vapid background noise all hours of the day" makes me disordered, then so be it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like many of you have dysfunctional boys who you treat like prisoners. Girls are so much easier!

Ha ha ha ha. Oh wait, you mean it? Do you have adolescent girls?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand parents who restrict TV time. 1 hour? The constant watching of the clock would ruin the experience.

I have 4 children, from 5 to 18. My oldest is a movie buff and loves TV. She's away at college and is still the same way but she does well in school. I have never restricted TV watching and the tube is always on at my house. As a result, it's a non-factor for my children.

Banning something is a surefire way to give it more importance than it really has. IMO, it's better to remove restrictions and let these next few years be about him learning his limits, rather than sheltering him and turning him loose at 18.

The tube is always on? Well, I couldn't live in your house. That would drive me bonkers.

Maybe you have a sensory disorder.

Anonymous wrote:You sound rigid. Why do you ban screen time? That's so weird.

I ban it too. How is that weird? It's a complete waste of time and can squeeze out more important things. Plus, DC can wait til the weekends.

Does the OP run a prison? No television or playing on a computer all week?

Ridiculous.

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand parents who restrict TV time. 1 hour? The constant watching of the clock would ruin the experience.

I have 4 children, from 5 to 18. My oldest is a movie buff and loves TV. She's away at college and is still the same way but she does well in school. I have never restricted TV watching and the tube is always on at my house. As a result, it's a non-factor for my children.

Banning something is a surefire way to give it more importance than it really has. IMO, it's better to remove restrictions and let these next few years be about him learning his limits, rather than sheltering him and turning him loose at 18.

The tube is always on? Well, I couldn't live in your house. That would drive me bonkers.