Anonymous
Post 12/12/2013 21:40     Subject: Would you be upset if parent's inheritance went to your kids instead of you?
Anonymous wrote:It's hard to tell, but from what you've written, it sounds like your mother uses her money to punish - or at least feel superior to - you.

I think you'd be best served to let it go. Entirely and all of it. It's her money, her choice, and I think it's hard to tell what she is really doing, if she's just saying these things to needle you. I am certain it is hurtful that your mother buys your children things and not you, but again, I really think you need to come to peace with it.

You can't change your mom. You can only change your reaction. When she brings up money, change the subject. When she talks about her will, tell her mom, it's your money and your choice.

Maybe throw in there, mom, I come to see you and spend time with you because I love you, not your money. Let's not be unpleasant. And change the subject. Simply do not engage with her on the topic, and certainly not on the topic of your children's wants or needs.

Maybe your mom wants to hear that you see her no matter how much money she has.

Your mother may live another 20 years - and or her health may cause her to go through all her savings, leaving nothing. Isn't this a silly thing to fret over now?

Let it go, and free yourself of this burden.



+1. Great advice.

Now, I want to go to the non-psychological manipulation aspect--just the straightforward aspect.

My brother married someone very divisive and mean (I suspect mentally ill). She pretty much runs the roost and conveniently does not believe in separate property, so anything my brother gets he co-mingles. As of this year, my mom changed her will and is going to leave my half to me outright, and his half to him and his kids in trust with me as the trustee. (shoot me now for getting this handed to me but that's for another post)

My mom is trying to protect my brother and grandchildren's money FOR my brother and his kids. If he inherits outright, and commingles, and they divorce, she gets half of it. And while they are still married, she has control over all of it. So this way he still has his inheritance if they divorce, and in the meantime, it helps protect their marriage because the wife can't demand that my brother co-mingle because he has no control. So she can't get mad at him. So the wife will just get mad at my mom and me (and she hates us anyways so we can't get any more dead in her eyes--we've got nothing to lose)

Anyways long way to saying…you are an only child so this option wasn't available to your mom. I can assure you if I were not around, my mom would be doing the generation-skipping thing. If it really is because of your DH (and not the manipulation that the PP discussed), you could talk with your mom about designating someone (a paid attorney--don't do a relative or family friend) to be the trustee and administer a trust for you.
Anonymous
Post 12/12/2013 01:43     Subject: Would you be upset if parent's inheritance went to your kids instead of you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yes, my feelings would be hurt. Not because of an absence of money or material things, but because she is using whatever she can to try and hurt/control/whatever emotionally. It sounds like your mother is trying to punish or hurt you in anyway she can.
Ultimately, it is her money to do as she wishes. I think she could have handled it better. I don't really even understand why she brought it up with you unless she was looking for an argument.


+1 Also she has used her money to "buy" your DD. You are justified in being hurt and here is why: she brings it up. What purpose does that serve except to hurt and manipulate you?


+2
ThatSmileyFaceGuy
Post 12/11/2013 14:46     Subject: Would you be upset if parent's inheritance went to your kids instead of you?
Granted we have no idea how much money OP is talking about. Or how much will be left after her mother dies. Or any stipulations that will be placed on the money (used for college, wedding, downpayment on first house)

But personally I would be happy if my parents left their money to the 4 grandchildren (2 mine, 2 my sister). I don't need it. And like another poster said, any money that was given to me would end up being used on my kids anyway.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2013 13:04     Subject: Would you be upset if parent's inheritance went to your kids instead of you?
Anonymous wrote:Long post … but basically, I am trying to gauge whether my hurt feelings is warranted. Would you be upset you if your parent(s) plan to completely cut you out of any inheritance, and leave it to your children (their grandchildren) instead of you?

To give some background … My mother finally admitted to me (although I always had a feeling) that she is planning on leaving most of her inheritance to my children, some to her sisters, and absolutely none to me because she does not like my husband. I understand her ill feelings towards my husband, who at times can be selfish; however, I am very hurt that she is completely cutting me out since I have remained close to her and for the most part we get along. I am the only child. I talk to her at least a couple times a week and see her at least once a week. I know she wants me to see her more, but I work full-time so it is difficult for me. My concern wrt the inheritance distribution is … my DD, my oldest who is in college, currently is very materialistic (example: She has at least 5x more designer purses than me, and she always has my mom buy or give her things). She very rarely calls my mom. I am closer to my mom than she is. My other two children are very young (beginnings of elementary school). I hope they grow responsibly, but time will tell. I would hate to see my mother’s inheritance spent irresponsibly or unappreciatively.

Although I am currently financially stable, we have always been on a tight budget. Up until recently we had full-time childcare expenses and we fully paid for my daughters education ($160k+). In future, we may have 2 more college expenses as well. My mother has never helped with neither my DD nor my own education expenses, nor would I expect her to. I would love to be a stay-at-home mom, but I have to work for my family’s health insurance and if I didn’t work we would not be able to pay for my DD’s college. I made a lot of sacrifices for the grandkids she loves. I love her as well. But I have always felt she was sadistic towards me. I think her intentions validate she doesn’t really love me. I have never asked her for money. She has always given my children more than me, which I have greatly appreciated. But when she passes, friends and relatives will question why she cut me out of her Will when we seemed so close. Yes, I did confront her wrt my feelings, and she said I was just jealous so she would just leave everything to charity so I wouldn’t be jealous of my own kids. Am I wrong to be utterly hurt by this?


The bolded comment seems as if you think it's just a crap shoot on how they turn out. You can raise them to be fiscally responsible, you know. In answer to your question, I'd probably be a little hurt, but I'd explain to my mother why. (DD takes after her ass-hole father, for instance.)
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2013 13:00     Subject: Would you be upset if parent's inheritance went to your kids instead of you?
#richpeopleproblems
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2013 12:59     Subject: Re:Would you be upset if parent's inheritance went to your kids instead of you?
The grandmother is trying to use her money to control and "buy" her allegiance the granddaughter. I would be livid about this and not allow it.

If my mother wanted to leave money in a trust for education or for access when the kids are older, I would be happy with this. What the OP's mother doing is completely different. She's using her money to manipulate a young girl who will have less ability to deal with this than the OP. This is a very toxic situation for young kids.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2013 12:00     Subject: Would you be upset if parent's inheritance went to your kids instead of you?
Anonymous wrote:Can't stand my DIL, who has been cruel to me for no apparent reason. My estate is divided into 3 equal parts - 1 part to my favorite charities, 1 part each to my son and daughter.

They can duke it out after I'm gone, but it really burns me that my bitchy DIL will benefit from my death.

Any suggestions?


How many designer handbags does she have?
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2013 12:00     Subject: Would you be upset if parent's inheritance went to your kids instead of you?
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your mother doesn't want your husband to get his hands on her money or benefit from it after she is gone.

I can see how this would happen.


+1. Its this simple. Has nothing to do with you and your mom's relationship.

She doesn't want your husband to get it.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2013 11:58     Subject: Would you be upset if parent's inheritance went to your kids instead of you?
Can't stand my DIL, who has been cruel to me for no apparent reason. My estate is divided into 3 equal parts - 1 part to my favorite charities, 1 part each to my son and daughter.

They can duke it out after I'm gone, but it really burns me that my bitchy DIL will benefit from my death.

Any suggestions?
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2013 11:38     Subject: Would you be upset if parent's inheritance went to your kids instead of you?
I'm sure that this has been covered in the 5 pages of comments, but the money is symbolic of the love you perceive is lacking in your relationship with your mother. I wish that I had some good advice for how to get over this, but my only recommendation at this point is therapy. I can relate to you on many reasons and those here that are suggesting that the OP brush this off must realize that she doesn't yet have the tools to do so. I hope that you gain these tools, OP so that one day this will not upset you.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2013 10:54     Subject: Would you be upset if parent's inheritance went to your kids instead of you?
In general, no, I would not be upset: it's my parents' money, and I've never felt entitled to it in any way and I've never equated money with love. If they wanted to use it to help provide for my children, I'd be thrilled. But the OP's situation is more complicated--if my parents decided not to give me any money because they disapproved of me, that would be hurtful, but because of the message, not the money.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2013 06:14     Subject: Would you be upset if parent's inheritance went to your kids instead of you?
I think OP is upset because she had been hoping/planning that her mom would swoop in and pay for college for the two young children and now she's facing having to plan for that herself. While I find it distasteful, it's obvious your mother refuses to allow the son-in-law she loathes to get his hands on her money. Her right, and perhaps she's onto something since OP says he selfish. Not sure why OP worries what other people will think when mom dies and leaves her nothing. Is this something your family will discuss publicly? Tacky.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2013 05:11     Subject: Would you be upset if parent's inheritance went to your kids instead of you?
Anonymous wrote:If you are honestly worried about your kids not spending the money well, then ask for it to be put into trust until they are older (or, I know some lawyers who suggest leaving it in trust indefinitely).


I think skipping a generation is a great way to generate wealth, but you do have to wait out the grandkids' grabby/needy/showy years. Have the trust open at 35, 40, or 45. My kids are toddlers, so the opportunity for growth may have been greater (re time at least) than for you children, who seem much older.

I divorced my husband a little over a year before my mother died. She probably would have gone the exact same route had I still been with that awful man. Her money now serves her grandchildren in a way it wouldn't have if their father were still involved in financial decision making.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2013 03:05     Subject: Re:Would you be upset if parent's inheritance went to your kids instead of you?
Anonymous wrote:Nope. Her money her choice. I think its nice she is leaving it to YOUR children which enables them an easier life. My parents left 1.8 million dollars to a University, leaving my siblings all with 10 grand each. I loved my parents and really respect their choice.


Your parents were self-indulgent idiots and you are in denial.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2013 18:21     Subject: Would you be upset if parent's inheritance went to your kids instead of you?
Anonymous wrote:Yes, my feelings would be hurt. Not because of an absence of money or material things, but because she is using whatever she can to try and hurt/control/whatever emotionally. It sounds like your mother is trying to punish or hurt you in anyway she can.
Ultimately, it is her money to do as she wishes. I think she could have handled it better. I don't really even understand why she brought it up with you unless she was looking for an argument.


+1 Also she has used her money to "buy" your DD. You are justified in being hurt and here is why: she brings it up. What purpose does that serve except to hurt and manipulate you?