Anonymous wrote:As a step parent - do you get any say in decisions that involve your step kids?

There is no parent on the other side - died

Kids live with us FT

I financially contribute to everything for all the kids - I am the 'bread winner'

But no say or opinion in anything? Sports they play that involve all,of our weekend time, things that cost money, plans with friends that impact all,of our time or weekend anything?

I feel like I am just here as an additional paycheck - but all decision making is going on with his kids and husband - I am just along for the ride.

Is this what a blended family is?

No. Your spouse is either a loser or feels guilty because he couldn't keep his other spouse alive fir the kids

Anonymous wrote:OP - Dump this loser and his kids ASAP. You are being USED!!!

+1 This is what she should do if he doesnt make changes ASAP. He needs to set the ex w his kids, not make her into evil stepmother.

Whether StepMom or just plain Mom, it is definitely true that children and their activities can definitely rule the roost unless there is clear communication. How much tweens or kids of any age can do really can depend on the time parents have available to get them to and from, whether parent participation is expected in the activity as with practices, carpooling the team members as well as the expense of the sports, musical or other activities. I think the family budget and the number of children would also be key factors to weigh.

OP needs to start with an honest conversation with her DH about the aspects of the current situation which bother her and express how she sees things working out in a fairer way for all with say the next school year of activities. Parents need to determine what they value most at a certain time as it may change with stages of children in terms of their family life with the kids, their time together AND what they can make happen in terms of transportation, direct time involvement as for practices, and cost. And then present the options to the tweens to give them the valuable life lesson of learning to make a decision and prioritize "wants." It may be in terms of the number of outside activities beyond school, it may be a travel team in one sport versus summer camp or only so many weeks of camp. Above all, you do need to become an active participant in the decision-making process that works best for your family. Start with your husband first.

For subjective perspective-- we had similar issues when we first got married. My DH is stepdad to my 7 year old and we have 2 dd's of our own. 8 year old dd lives with us but her dad takes her every weekend.

My DH was shocked, *shocked*, that I wanted to go to every one of dd's soccer games, even if her dad already had her. They are all at noon on Saturdays, so right in the middle of the day. I was shocked that he thought I wouldn't go. We kind of compromised-- I still go to every game, but I will miss one if we plan a weekend away. And he's allowed to not go to the games, for whatever reason. It took awhile for expectations to settle. I absolutely discussed travel soccer with him as it is our family's expenses and time. I also discuss what activities I am putting the 2 little dds in. He doesn't really get a veto power on things that I feel strongly about, but I do listen to his opinions and compromise in things that I don't feel strongly about.

Good luck, it is a hard road. I am 100% sure that my dd is better off since I got married, even though we've had the usual bumps in the road.

Absolutely, you have a say. Your DH is wrong not to discuss with you and you need to let him in know.