Anonymous
Post 11/04/2013 09:22     Subject: A friends "secret" and how to handle....
If it goes against who you are and what you stand for, there is nothing wrong with tactfully saying so. Your actions can speak louder. I would have a hard time with that myself only because I saw what this does to a family firsthand my mother had an affair with her boss when I was in my teens and the hurt and devastation it caused our entire family is etched into my mind forever. I therefore have zero tolerance, I don't care if this is a "good friend" or not.
bobdc2009
Post 11/04/2013 09:15     Subject: A friends "secret" and how to handle....
she confided in you. i think you should not say anything.
but if you are undomfortable, you should not see them in the future.
Anonymous
Post 10/24/2013 21:53     Subject: A friends "secret" and how to handle....
Anonymous wrote:I would not go. You now know more about her as a person and that may shape for sure how you see her as a friend. You know that she lies, cheats, betrays, deceives. You now know she doesn't have the integrity of character you thought she did. That is going to influence how you see her as a friend.
I wouldn't go and watch her act like she cared about her husband when you know she is fucking other men behind his back. It you go and play along, that is really the same as supporting her in having the affair.

Personally I would tell her I can't keep that a secret from my husband - and i would tell her she needed to tell her husband or I would. I think people have a right to know if there are more than 2 people in their marriage. What they decide to do about it is up to them.


Ditto. Have a "friend" that recently confided something similar. I'm not a prude and understand marriage is complicated, but I was amazed at how totally callous she sounded and completely unaffected about how her cheating affected her family and two small children. I tried to keep an open mind but each conversation really revealed her true colors. Someone not to be trusted -as wife or friend. Needless to say, I've basically avoided her.
Anonymous
Post 10/24/2013 20:12     Subject: A friends "secret" and how to handle....
Anonymous wrote:i am going ot bookmark this thread for the nexttime there is post about a man cheating. I am sure that on that thread there will be the equivalent amount of:

-he just made a mistake and everyone makes mistakes
-it is wrong to judge him, no one is perfect
-it shouldn't make a difference in how you see him
-he can still be an amazing person even though he had this little slip up, Don't hold this against him.
-you should still enjoy your time out with him and his wife. Just pretend to the wife like all is well.
-if you judge him or judge his actions as wrong you are a bitch and a terrible person.


If my guy friend cheated and confessed to me, I would remain his friend too in this situation.
Anonymous
Post 10/24/2013 15:35     Subject: A friends "secret" and how to handle....
Your moral code that judges another human being for a mistake that does not impact you or your community negatively is worse than her moral code that allowed her to make this one mistake. I hope she stops being your friends before you do.

I can understand your indignation if she was making you a party in some way so that she could continue to cheat on her husband. If that is not the case MYOB.
Anonymous
Post 10/23/2013 07:22     Subject: A friends "secret" and how to handle....
OP You get my vote to not go if what she did is morally wrong for you, and you cannot support her at this time. Be true to yourself, make no apologies. I assure you many would react just the same. There are consequence when someone engages in risky behavior, she took those risks full well when she decided to do this one night affair. She must learn and accept that and hopefully work hard to rebuild. Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 11:22     Subject: A friends "secret" and how to handle....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:i am going ot bookmark this thread for the nexttime there is post about a man cheating. I am sure that on that thread there will be the equivalent amount of:

-he just made a mistake and everyone makes mistakes
-it is wrong to judge him, no one is perfect
-it shouldn't make a difference in how you see him
-he can still be an amazing person even though he had this little slip up, Don't hold this against him.
-you should still enjoy your time out with him and his wife. Just pretend to the wife like all is well.
-if you judge him or judge his actions as wrong you are a bitch and a terrible person.


It's unlikely that the man would be a close friend. This is not about a man and a woman but about friends.


Why can't men be close friends? That doesn't make sense. Lots of men have close friends. And people were saying this about the friends actions - not just about the friendship. But even if you say this is just about friends - have you read the dozens of posts where people say my friend did x,y,z. People then judge x,y,z like crazy and will say 'ditch' her or distance yourself or this friendship is trouble.... Poster have absolutely no problems not being loyal to the friendship and judging their friends actions, or the actions of poster's friends.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 11:12     Subject: A friends "secret" and how to handle....
Anonymous wrote:i am going ot bookmark this thread for the nexttime there is post about a man cheating. I am sure that on that thread there will be the equivalent amount of:

-he just made a mistake and everyone makes mistakes
-it is wrong to judge him, no one is perfect
-it shouldn't make a difference in how you see him
-he can still be an amazing person even though he had this little slip up, Don't hold this against him.
-you should still enjoy your time out with him and his wife. Just pretend to the wife like all is well.
-if you judge him or judge his actions as wrong you are a bitch and a terrible person.


It's unlikely that the man would be a close friend. This is not about a man and a woman but about friends.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 07:04     Subject: A friends "secret" and how to handle....
Anonymous wrote:Its me OP. I thank you for all the advice, the thing that I found really off putting was though she said it was a one time deal she seems really enamored with this guy, even started to tell me about his size, etc...which I DID NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT!!!!!!! But anyone to me who is genuinely remorseful would not have been so laid back to talk about the details. I can see everyone's perspective but i have decided its just more than I can or want to handle. It will feel very strange to be with them (her husband) knowing what I know. I just cannot do it. I also decided i am going to tell my husband because he cannot understand why I suddenly don't want to go on our planned trip.
To anyone who is considering cheating, I advise you not to. And if you do, then keep it to yourself. Its an unfair burden to put on anyone who doesn't ask to be told.


It is a natural feeling. She put the guilt onto you. Also, once she has done this she will also continue to talk about it, every time she feels guilty. But she probably does not see anything wrong with that and will feel bad about the upcoming vacation plans being changed.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 06:53     Subject: A friends "secret" and how to handle....
Anonymous wrote:i am going ot bookmark this thread for the nexttime there is post about a man cheating. I am sure that on that thread there will be the equivalent amount of:

-he just made a mistake and everyone makes mistakes
-it is wrong to judge him, no one is perfect
-it shouldn't make a difference in how you see him
-he can still be an amazing person even though he had this little slip up, Don't hold this against him.
-you should still enjoy your time out with him and his wife. Just pretend to the wife like all is well.
-if you judge him or judge his actions as wrong you are a bitch and a terrible person.


Don't know about you but I would definitely not be one to let a man off the hook so easily. I am agaiinst cheaters PERIOD. Man or woman.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2013 23:47     Subject: A friends "secret" and how to handle....
i am going ot bookmark this thread for the nexttime there is post about a man cheating. I am sure that on that thread there will be the equivalent amount of:

-he just made a mistake and everyone makes mistakes
-it is wrong to judge him, no one is perfect
-it shouldn't make a difference in how you see him
-he can still be an amazing person even though he had this little slip up, Don't hold this against him.
-you should still enjoy your time out with him and his wife. Just pretend to the wife like all is well.
-if you judge him or judge his actions as wrong you are a bitch and a terrible person.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2013 22:05     Subject: A friends "secret" and how to handle....
It's a good thing you haven't ever done anything wrong. If you ever do, don't tell any friend like you because they too will be judgmental bitches.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2013 21:40     Subject: A friends "secret" and how to handle....
Agree this woman is a grown adult and made a really bad decision one that not only affects her but anyone in her life, family and friends. They didn't ask for this, she gave it to them. Let her deal with the mess. Why should she not feel it? I think NOT going on the trip is one way to let her know that what she did is unacceptable. She should scratch the trip, and reinvest that money in marital therapy with her husband! Her priorities sound screwed up. She sounds incredibly selfish and I am sorry OP that you are in that position. I think you should be honest with her as to why you are canceling and tell her to come up with something to tell her husband, let her see just how far reaching her selfish act was.