Anonymous wrote:Everyone seems very quick to assume the worst will happen if I stay with him and nothing bad will happen to my children if I leave. Why is that? I think both scenarios are dangerous and awful. In one, I just have more control (but still not total).

Anonymous wrote:

Has anyone who has contributed to this thread actually been married to an alcoholic? Has anyone attended al anon? Has anyone else here been in the OPs shoes and found a solution? Just curious.

I'm poster 12:22, 12:35 and 12:45 and I'm married to an alcoholic. I've been to Al Anon, did some of the things I advise OP (though my DH was paranoid about drinking and driving so saved his "drunkedness" for home or when I could pick him up) lived with my DH through his drinking, and recovery. He's been sober for 6 years now and is still fully committed to his sobriety.

For what it's worth, I love my DH and loved him despite his disease. I struggled with not wanting to leave him. But, I took control over my and my children's lives. I did what others suggested. I took over all parenting responsibilities and calmly pointed out to my DH (when he was drinking) that he cannot watch or even play with the kids while drinking and I removed them from the situation - EVERY SINGLE TIME. I never argued, never pled with him to "please stop, please stop, please don't' play with kids." I just would see the drink, see his behavior and pick up kids, go to different room or take them out somewhere and tell him - "you cannot interact with kids when drinking."
It was hard as hell. I was tired, I felt sorry for myself and I was angry. but I did it. (That's why I don't understand OP's excuses) Eventually, he realized the harm he was causing and went to AA. After a couple of mis-steps and false starts, his sobriety went from one day to one week to one month and then one year. We celebrate is sobriety date each year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Has anyone who has contributed to this thread actually been married to an alcoholic? Has anyone attended al anon? Has anyone else here been in the OPs shoes and found a solution? Just curious.

I'm poster 12:22, 12:35 and 12:45 and I'm married to an alcoholic. I've been to Al Anon, did some of the things I advise OP (though my DH was paranoid about drinking and driving so saved his "drunkedness" for home or when I could pick him up) lived with my DH through his drinking, and recovery. He's been sober for 6 years now and is still fully committed to his sobriety.

For what it's worth, I love my DH and loved him despite his disease. I struggled with not wanting to leave him. But, I took control over my and my children's lives. I did what others suggested. I took over all parenting responsibilities and calmly pointed out to my DH (when he was drinking) that he cannot watch or even play with the kids while drinking and I removed them from the situation - EVERY SINGLE TIME. I never argued, never pled with him to "please stop, please stop, please don't' play with kids." I just would see the drink, see his behavior and pick up kids, go to different room or take them out somewhere and tell him - "you cannot interact with kids when drinking."
It was hard as hell. I was tired, I felt sorry for myself and I was angry. but I did it. (That's why I don't understand OP's excuses) Eventually, he realized the harm he was causing and went to AA. After a couple of mis-steps and false starts, his sobriety went from one day to one week to one month and then one year. We celebrate is sobriety date each year.

I know, right? Wonder why there are so many people still in relationships with alcoholics? I guess not everyone is as great a wife and mother as you are and your DH..what a prize. He saw the light when you put your foot down. Good for you. Gold stars for all.

Anonymous wrote:Everyone seems very quick to assume the worst will happen if I stay with him and nothing bad will happen to my children if I leave. Why is that? I think both scenarios are dangerous and awful. In one, I just have more control (but still not total).

Anonymous wrote:

Has anyone who has contributed to this thread actually been married to an alcoholic? Has anyone attended al anon? Has anyone else here been in the OPs shoes and found a solution? Just curious.

I'm poster 12:22, 12:35 and 12:45 and I'm married to an alcoholic. I've been to Al Anon, did some of the things I advise OP (though my DH was paranoid about drinking and driving so saved his "drunkedness" for home or when I could pick him up) lived with my DH through his drinking, and recovery. He's been sober for 6 years now and is still fully committed to his sobriety.

For what it's worth, I love my DH and loved him despite his disease. I struggled with not wanting to leave him. But, I took control over my and my children's lives. I did what others suggested. I took over all parenting responsibilities and calmly pointed out to my DH (when he was drinking) that he cannot watch or even play with the kids while drinking and I removed them from the situation - EVERY SINGLE TIME. I never argued, never pled with him to "please stop, please stop, please don't' play with kids." I just would see the drink, see his behavior and pick up kids, go to different room or take them out somewhere and tell him - "you cannot interact with kids when drinking."
It was hard as hell. I was tired, I felt sorry for myself and I was angry. but I did it. (That's why I don't understand OP's excuses) Eventually, he realized the harm he was causing and went to AA. After a couple of mis-steps and false starts, his sobriety went from one day to one week to one month and then one year. We celebrate is sobriety date each year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, and just to clarify, I have talked to 2 lawyers. Both think I have a good chance at sole custody, both told me that supervised visitation would be lifted if he stayed sober for x amount of time. And sole custody can be reversed eventually if he stays sober long enough. I don't mean to confuse by using the term alcoholic...I thought that meant anyone who could not control their drinking, not just physical dependence. DH has had long 'sober periods' so I have no doubt he could do it again to lift supervised visitation. But if history is a guide, he will start binge drinking again when he can. Plus, his binges come in binges, if you know what I mean. So he may do it frequently for while, then not again for a while, once it was almost a year...then start again. Its very unpredictable.

When he is sober, don't you think he is aware of the dangers of drinking too much? My guess is that if he's a binge drinker, he'll only do it on days when he doesn't have the kids. He'll "save" his drinking time for when you have the kids.

So, ask yourself this. You are worried about him driving or leaving your kids unsupervised (AKA at top of gated stairs, cold) when he has visitation or custody. But, that happened anyway. It happened on your watch. So, won't letting him (eventually) have the kids twice a month on Saturday or every other Wednesday actually lessen the chances of him driving drunk with them or not take care of them? He seems to be able to manage his "sober periods" and if he's a great dad when he's sober, I can almost guarantee that he'll do his best to only drink when he doesn't have the kids.

Do you actually know any alcoholics? You are attributing a whole lot of logic and control to this man and alcoholics aren't known for their logic and control.

Anonymous wrote:Everyone seems very quick to assume the worst will happen if I stay with him and nothing bad will happen to my children if I leave. Why is that? I think both scenarios are dangerous and awful. In one, I just have more control (but still not total).

Has anyone who has contributed to this thread actually been married to an alcoholic? Has anyone attended al anon? Has anyone else here been in the OPs shoes and found a solution? Just curious.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, and just to clarify, I have talked to 2 lawyers. Both think I have a good chance at sole custody, both told me that supervised visitation would be lifted if he stayed sober for x amount of time. And sole custody can be reversed eventually if he stays sober long enough. I don't mean to confuse by using the term alcoholic...I thought that meant anyone who could not control their drinking, not just physical dependence. DH has had long 'sober periods' so I have no doubt he could do it again to lift supervised visitation. But if history is a guide, he will start binge drinking again when he can. Plus, his binges come in binges, if you know what I mean. So he may do it frequently for while, then not again for a while, once it was almost a year...then start again. Its very unpredictable.

When he is sober, don't you think he is aware of the dangers of drinking too much? My guess is that if he's a binge drinker, he'll only do it on days when he doesn't have the kids. He'll "save" his drinking time for when you have the kids.

So, ask yourself this. You are worried about him driving or leaving your kids unsupervised (AKA at top of gated stairs, cold) when he has visitation or custody. But, that happened anyway. It happened on your watch. So, won't letting him (eventually) have the kids twice a month on Saturday or every other Wednesday actually lessen the chances of him driving drunk with them or not take care of them? He seems to be able to manage his "sober periods" and if he's a great dad when he's sober, I can almost guarantee that he'll do his best to only drink when he doesn't have the kids.

Anonymous wrote:OP again, and just to clarify, I have talked to 2 lawyers. Both think I have a good chance at sole custody, both told me that supervised visitation would be lifted if he stayed sober for x amount of time. And sole custody can be reversed eventually if he stays sober long enough. I don't mean to confuse by using the term alcoholic...I thought that meant anyone who could not control their drinking, not just physical dependence. DH has had long 'sober periods' so I have no doubt he could do it again to lift supervised visitation. But if history is a guide, he will start binge drinking again when he can. Plus, his binges come in binges, if you know what I mean. So he may do it frequently for while, then not again for a while, once it was almost a year...then start again. Its very unpredictable.

Anonymous wrote:OP again, and just to clarify, I have talked to 2 lawyers. Both think I have a good chance at sole custody, both told me that supervised visitation would be lifted if he stayed sober for x amount of time. And sole custody can be reversed eventually if he stays sober long enough. I don't mean to confuse by using the term alcoholic...I thought that meant anyone who could not control their drinking, not just physical dependence. DH has had long 'sober periods' so I have no doubt he could do it again to lift supervised visitation. But if history is a guide, he will start binge drinking again when he can. Plus, his binges come in binges, if you know what I mean. So he may do it frequently for while, then not again for a while, once it was almost a year...then start again. Its very unpredictable.