15:13 - Yes, it does seem pretty obvious that the stepson does need some mental/medical help. But at 30, is that really on the parents? They don't really have a lot of say in medical decisions. That said, I do think that telling the stepson that he needs to go get himself rediagnosed/back on meds is PART of the solution.

BUT, I still stand by not giving the man any more money. It IS a financial issue for the family when they have spent $20K on a private school, $5K on a car, though.

I am the person who suggested ADD in the earlier post.

The fact that he can focus when he wants to does not mean that he doesn't have ADD. One of the symptoms of ADD is that people focus very intently on things that interest them and in fact have trouble shifting their focus from that to other things. Everything you have said points to ADD.

My son is a few years younger than your stepson and my son has ADD. We have been supportive and have worked with him and therapists to help him be successful in the areas where he has strengths. He never graduated from college (he also flunked classes) but he earns a six figure income and he owns a house. He is happy and in a good relationship. I know this is your stepson and not your son, but the fact that you are discussing this only as a financial issue and that you brought it to the financial section of this forum is disturbing to me.

Why did he stop the Ritalin? My son tried to get off Ritalin a few years ago and almost got fired from his six figure job. He is back on Ritalin and doing fine. While most kids outgrow the hyperactivity part of ADHD they often do not outgrow the attention deficit part.

Maybe ADD is over-diagnosed. I don't know. That doesn't change the fact that it sounds like your stepson needs help that he is not getting. Unfortunately, it sounds like he went through his teens and 20s without getting that help so now he is 30 and you need to deal with it now. Ignoring the issue, or cutting him off, won't make it go away. Even if you don't care about your stepson, if your husband is a normal parent he will never be totally happy as long as he sees his son struggling and that will have an impact on your marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

I don't see him surviving military - he has never been pushed out of comfort level - he likes to sleep in and do what he wants to do.

Well, he's kind of running out of options here. Military is one option - if he has a better one, I'm sure you're all ears, right?

But seriously, no more monetary help for him. I don't think it matters that he might or might not be ADD. That is really on him at this point. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but he's 30. He's figured out how to get a job and afford other things on his own. You can always suggest that he get himself back on meds and maybe that will help him finish school and be more focused elsewhere in his life, but you can't force it.

Do not allow your husband to guilt trip himself into being an enabler, either.

Anonymous wrote:Based on the description of your stepson as a teenager, as well as your statement about the difficulty he had filling out paperwork for an educational grant, it sounds like he may have ADD. His sporadic school record also supports this potential diagnosis. Has he ever been tested? Has he ever had any sort of educational testing, whether for ADD or to identify possible other learning disabilities? It is possible that he failed calculus three times because he is lazy, as you said, but it is also possible that something else is going on. I would see if your husband can talk to him about this. Many colleges have support services and would do this sort of testing in house.

Actually he was on Ritalin as a child. I think ADD is over-diagnosed though. When he wants to he can focus really well - like research the next car he wants to buy or a new smartphone.

He failed pre-calculus three times because he was behind in math given that dropped out out school and missed the high school years.

I don't see him surviving military - he has never been pushed out of comfort level - he likes to sleep in and do what he wants to do.

Anonymous wrote:

OP you should seriously discuss the military as PPs have identified. I've met a number of people who have stated that they didn't have direction/drive and the military set them straight.

+1. I think it is a good option for your stepson. It sounds like it would fill many of his needs. And at least he would stop coming to your house begging for help.

Anonymous wrote:Being afraid to speak up is how my husband wound up in a gang as a teen and how his brother married the town slut. Lucky for my husband, he realized he was fucking up and joined the military and it has been (mostly) good from his early 20s. His brother is the idiot BIL I have already spoken to you about - town slut ruined his attempt at a military career, got knocked up by some other dude and managed to convince my BIL to sign the birth certificate, bankrupted him by 25, etc, etc, etc.

Tough love has to be practiced at some point. And I'm sorry, if you are an adult asking for money, there are some goddamn strings that should be attached.

OP you should seriously discuss the military as PPs have identified. I've met a number of people who have stated that they didn't have direction/drive and the military set them straight.

Based on the description of your stepson as a teenager, as well as your statement about the difficulty he had filling out paperwork for an educational grant, it sounds like he may have ADD. His sporadic school record also supports this potential diagnosis. Has he ever been tested? Has he ever had any sort of educational testing, whether for ADD or to identify possible other learning disabilities? It is possible that he failed calculus three times because he is lazy, as you said, but it is also possible that something else is going on. I would see if your husband can talk to him about this. Many colleges have support services and would do this sort of testing in house.

Figure out how much it will cost to cover the 25% tuition and other expenses (books, graduation) for the final semester. He must show you the invoices or costs and then you pay them as incurred. Tell him this is his final chance to get the degree and there will be no more funds coming from you if he fails to get his bachelors and he will have to cover any further education, including graduate school. You and your DH need to stand firm. It is in everyone's best interest.

Being afraid to speak up is how my husband wound up in a gang as a teen and how his brother married the town slut. Lucky for my husband, he realized he was fucking up and joined the military and it has been (mostly) good from his early 20s. His brother is the idiot BIL I have already spoken to you about - town slut ruined his attempt at a military career, got knocked up by some other dude and managed to convince my BIL to sign the birth certificate, bankrupted him by 25, etc, etc, etc.

Tough love has to be practiced at some point. And I'm sorry, if you are an adult asking for money, there are some goddamn strings that should be attached.

Anonymous wrote:Wonder how OP would feel if this were her own child and not a stepchild...

OP here. Me too. I wonder if I'd feel different.

I hope if my child starts going in that direction I have enough strength to let him sink or swim.

I was trying to analyze where did the parents go wrong with him. I remember when he was a kid he didn't have any rules - he didn't study, he would play games all night and sleep all day, eat garbage, no one went into his room, and his father was afraid to say anything to offend him.

He didn't learn to plan or organize himself - he would miss out on a education grant because he didn't want to make the effort of filling out paperwork. He's used to someone always guiding him - where to go, what to do. So he lacks initiative. Clueless. He's not a go-getter by any means. He doesn't ask questions and that puts him in disadvantage. For example, he didn't know exactly what classes he had to take until he thought he was graduating and found out there was more he had to complete. Or he'd come on a holiday to find out there were no classes.

I'm trying to apply lessons learned with our younger child. I'm not sure what kind of parenting produces infantile kids.

Anonymous wrote:I am confused. If the employer pays 75% why do you need to pay? Is he asking you pay the last 25% or the total?

Yes. He can't cover the remaining 25%. I think mostly we pay because his employer is not paying for the classes he dropped or failed.

Hell no.

Wonder how OP would feel if this were her own child and not a stepchild...

I am confused. If the employer pays 75% why do you need to pay? Is he asking you pay the last 25% or the total?

Well, it's too late now. I wish I knew how it was going to go back then because when it all started it looked very innocent - he realized he was getting nowhere and wanted to get an education. So he went back to school and struggled, but persevered, didn't give up. In reality though he just took the easy routes and didn't try very hard, didn't budget, was irresponsible with money.

DH feels obligated to him because we didn't pay $50+K for his college education like other parents do for their kids. But he chose not to study. So yeah, we saved money, but I don't think we owe this money to him.

And also, DH doesn't want to attach any strings to the money he gives because he feels it's controlling - pushing him to act or be a certain way.
In my opinion, money loans do come with strings attached. It's like an investment. It's not a gift.