Anonymous wrote:I get the feeling from reading every single response here that most of you have no knowledge of what actually happens in a divorce, regarding the assets accumulated DURING a longish, modern marriage in which the parties mutually decided that one parent would stop working out of the home.

Hint, for the sanctimonious (< only) working spouses who've posted: the state doesn't let the dude scoop up all the marbles and leave the playground. Those assets are divided, often equally but always equitably.

We all get it. But then you have to maintain two separate households with that same income (plus whatever the wife might make re-entering the work force after many years out). Everyone's quality of life goes down.

To me, it's not just a question of divorce, losing a job, disability, etc. For me, I want to feel confident and honestly, I want my husband to know, that I always have choices. And good choices. I think this ultimately affects the nature of our relationship. Like a PP, I watched my MIL put up with a cheating, emotionally unavailable husband for years because she didn't work and had no money of her own. Not a position I ever want to be in. How many women of our mother's generation stayed in crap relationships because they really didn't have any better choice? More than a few.

I know this will get the obligatory...well I married a great guy and we're equals and we'd never treat each other poorly and he'd never do those things and he values all I do at home with our kids. I'm sure that's all true. But I also think life is very, very long and so are many marriages. I intend to be married to my (wonderful) husband for 40+ years. And the whole time, we'll both know we're there for each other. Not because we can't make it without each other financially.

Anonymous wrote:I get the feeling from reading every single response here that most of you have no knowledge of what actually happens in a divorce, regarding the assets accumulated DURING a longish, modern marriage in which the parties mutually decided that one parent would stop working out of the home.

Hint, for the sanctimonious (< only) working spouses who've posted: the state doesn't let the dude scoop up all the marbles and leave the playground. Those assets are divided, often equally but always equitably.

Assets accumulated during the marriage, sure. But if you've been married 10 years, have two little kids, and are used to a certain standard of living, it may be very hard to keep up anything close to that AFTER the divorce. Your ex may need to provide child support and maybe alimony but it doesn't necessarily have to be at the same level as what you were used to, or anticipating (e.g., to cover private school, if you thought that was where you'd eventually send the kids, etc.)

That said, I think the most useful advice anyone has given on this thread (beyond the things that should apply to ANY parent, like having life and disability insurance), is to have a formal, preferably enforceable agreement.

Anonymous wrote:I get the feeling from reading every single response here that most of you have no knowledge of what actually happens in a divorce, regarding the assets accumulated DURING a longish, modern marriage in which the parties mutually decided that one parent would stop working out of the home.

Hint, for the sanctimonious (< only) working spouses who've posted: the state doesn't let the dude scoop up all the marbles and leave the playground. Those assets are divided, often equally but always equitably.

Oh, I understand that well. The assets are divided. But most of the posters on here go on and on about how they live so frugally and don't need material things -- and so often have I have seen posts from SAHM saying that they will start saving for retirement, etc., after the SAH years -- that I'm not sure what kind of assets we are talking about. Also, most of us could not live off our assets for long. We would need a new house/housing, etc. For most of us, our job and income potential are our biggest asset.

I get the feeling from reading every single response here that most of you have no knowledge of what actually happens in a divorce, regarding the assets accumulated DURING a longish, modern marriage in which the parties mutually decided that one parent would stop working out of the home.

Hint, for the sanctimonious (< only) working spouses who've posted: the state doesn't let the dude scoop up all the marbles and leave the playground. Those assets are divided, often equally but always equitably.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm pregnant with our second, and I'm thinking of SAH, but I am really nervous about reality of being a one income family. What if DH is injured or gets sick or worse? How do you plan for divorce (don't think its at all likely, but I don't live under a rock)? I can't imagine not contributing to a retirement plan and just hoping DH is there for me. Does everyone who SAH just have it so good that these aren't real worries? How did you plan?

Insurance on both of us for the dying and disabled bit.

I contribute the max allowed annually to an IRA, DH does 401k and IRA- both of us have been contributing for decades, so we are in danger of overfunding at this point.

Don't plan for a divorce, but there are things in place to assure an equitable distribution. The biggest issue would be the emotional fallout, especially for the DCs- but will be so no matter what ones working status is. A great many things do not point to divorce for us (married older, intact families, college educated, active in a religious congregation, similar world views, married for 19 years, have children.....). The only thing that is a negative statistically is the SN child- but we seem to be able to work as a team in that regard.

If you are worried about "the future" and both of you are on board with one of you staying at home, draw up an agreement and take it to a lawyer, so both of you are protected.

Great post pp. The SAHMs who have bothered to cover themselves don't get so heated about this topic.

If you don't work, what funds are you using to contribute to an IRA? Joint funds? Do you have separate IRAs?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm pregnant with our second, and I'm thinking of SAH, but I am really nervous about reality of being a one income family. What if DH is injured or gets sick or worse? How do you plan for divorce (don't think its at all likely, but I don't live under a rock)? I can't imagine not contributing to a retirement plan and just hoping DH is there for me. Does everyone who SAH just have it so good that these aren't real worries? How did you plan?

Insurance on both of us for the dying and disabled bit.

I contribute the max allowed annually to an IRA, DH does 401k and IRA- both of us have been contributing for decades, so we are in danger of overfunding at this point.

Don't plan for a divorce, but there are things in place to assure an equitable distribution. The biggest issue would be the emotional fallout, especially for the DCs- but will be so no matter what ones working status is. A great many things do not point to divorce for us (married older, intact families, college educated, active in a religious congregation, similar world views, married for 19 years, have children.....). The only thing that is a negative statistically is the SN child- but we seem to be able to work as a team in that regard.

If you are worried about "the future" and both of you are on board with one of you staying at home, draw up an agreement and take it to a lawyer, so both of you are protected.

Great post pp. The SAHMs who have bothered to cover themselves don't get so heated about this topic.

Anonymous wrote:People, stop saying "fail." It was trendy/cool/funny about three years ago. Now, it is overused, dated and silly. Also, stop placing emphasis on things by incorrectly using periods, as in: "Ugh. So. Annoying." etc. It may be colloquial, but we are not passing notes in eighth grade here. There is casual writing and then trying to be a teenage girl or to emulate language used on texts from last night. It makes you sound like a big 'ol dumb poser.

Alert, alert, DCUM grammar police on the move, lol.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Do WOHMs have a plan? So many state that they need the two incomes in the DC area. What would YOU do with just your one income?

This is a silly, defensive and disingenuous question, but I will bite. Yes, most do. That is why they work, in part, because they are aware of what would happen if they lost thier husband's income. Through their employer, most will have gap insurance for the death of a spouse. Also, because they have been working, most WOHM would be able to keep their job, which they would need even more if they lost their husband or got divorced. If it was the WOHM who lost her job, most will be able to collect unemployment, and will, of course, be looking for and be able to find another job. The point is, there are much lower risks when both spouses are working. If one loses a job, you adjust and live off the remaining income. When only one spouse is working its obviously going to be a larger impact if that spouse dies or loses his or her job.

You are missing my point. See all those "ifs?" What is a definite is that your child is in a daycare, with a nanny, au pair, relative or something of that nature right now and you are working. You are not with your child while you are working. That is always, 100% going to happen if you choose to work full time for these "ifs."Life has a lot of "ifs", awful horrible unplanned things happen, but I, and perhaps other SAHMs of young children, are not going to give up this time with our children for things that might happen when right in front of me, happening right now, is the time I have with my little ones.

No, I am not missing your point. It is a question of priorities. IF you got divorced or IF you lost your husband, your kids would be impacted. IF you have no plan in place, your children would be negatively impacted. Divorce is not a wild, entirely unlikely event. It happens often and very few people set out intending for it to occur, but occur it does. We all die, many of us get sick, and many of us lose jobs. These are not outlying possibilities, in fact, they are more likely to occur then many other things you insure against. Nobody is saying you should sacrifice your time with your children, something we all value. I just happen to have decided its more important to 100% know that I can provide for my children alone than for them to have 100% of my time during the day.

I think the pp wrote a beautiful response. But you are too stupid and hot-headed to get the point.

Good for you and your priorities. If you are so confident in your choices then there is really nothing to discuss. And furthermore, your justifications for whatever you do are not really the topic of this thread.

Neither is the SAHM's philosophy/rationalizing for not having any kind of contingency plan in place. The point of this thread is the importance of having a plan and knowing what that plan is. And I am not "justifying" my choices. I am happy with my choices.

The point was to ask what plans people have, if any. And who on here said they didn't have a plan? I must have skipped a post. There is a difference between not having a plan and not having a plan that you approve of.

Some people don't prioritize "what if". What if you lose your job and can't find another? What if you and dh get in a car accident and can't work anymore? What if you both get laid off? What if the stock market crashes and then you get laid off? What if you have an emergency that drains your savings and then both you and dh get cancer?

We can play what if all day. All of these things have happened to people. But there is no need to live life thinking the worst. Pay attention to what is in front of you. And "you" means "you". What other people are doing isn't of concern to you; and if you are honest, you really don't care as far as it concerns people on here. You just want to feel like you have done something right in your life.

Btw, I think relying on a job is stupid, but my life is my life. You go to work, and I will create work for others. I don't need to get a self esteem boost by lecturing you on my perception of your choices.

People, stop saying "fail." It was trendy/cool/funny about three years ago. Now, it is overused, dated and silly. Also, stop placing emphasis on things by incorrectly using periods, as in: "Ugh. So. Annoying." etc. It may be colloquial, but we are not passing notes in eighth grade here. There is casual writing and then trying to be a teenage girl or to emulate language used on texts from last night. It makes you sound like a big 'ol dumb poser.

Anonymous wrote:irregardless is not a word

According to Wikipedia and Merriam's dictionary it is:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irregardless

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/irregardless

FAIL

irregardless is not a word

My mother ended up in a bad situation with my father when she found out he was having an affair while she was a SAHM raising three kids. My father is the most self righteous person you could ever meet, so it was shock to everyone. Of course noone plans for their marriage to end but it happens everyday.

Because of that my mom preached to me constantly about the imporantance of a woman having her own money and finances in order irregardless of a man. I do think time with your kids is important but make sure you have your own bank account on the side somewhere.

Anonymous wrote:I get the question, but if we were both working to support a 2 income lifestyle we would have major adjusting and downsizing to do if one of us became ill and unable to work (multiple sclerosis, ALS, major trauma from car accident, etc). We would have to live on less and make major adjustments. Same as if something happened to my husband while I SAH. Live on much less, make major adjustments. Bottom line for me: it is 100% that if I work I will get to see my kids only a couple hours a day. The odds of sudden death, disability or divorce are far less (I'm sure someone will know the stats on here!) . I'm not going to trade a known for an unknown

We both work full time, but not to support a "2 income lifestyle." We save 80% of the second income.

Keep in shape, join 3 churches and remarry well.