Anonymous
10/01/2013 14:50
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
Your problem is with your husband, not your stepson.
I would forget about stuff like him holding your baby etc. you can't do anything about that.
But it is your business what happens to your money. I think you need to sit down and figure out a budget with your dh. A certain amount must be saved each month, a certain amount can go to expenses, and then you each have discretionary income. Whatever he spends on his son has to come out of discretionary.
I wonder if there is a way to set up a join savings account where both people have to give permission in order to take anything out,
I would forget about stuff like him holding your baby etc. you can't do anything about that.
But it is your business what happens to your money. I think you need to sit down and figure out a budget with your dh. A certain amount must be saved each month, a certain amount can go to expenses, and then you each have discretionary income. Whatever he spends on his son has to come out of discretionary.
I wonder if there is a way to set up a join savings account where both people have to give permission in order to take anything out,
Anonymous
10/01/2013 13:46
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
Anonymous wrote:When you marry someone, you marry the whole family and all the baggages!
Don't expect anything from anyone cause that only leads to disappointment.
I think that's bull. Sure, a stepparent shouldn't have expectations of a warm and loving, intimate relationship, but I think we can and should all have basic expectations of each other, even in a blended family. And we should hold each other to those expectations. If not, aren't we all just collectively raising a generation of selfish jerks?
Anonymous
09/30/2013 16:21
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
When you marry someone, you marry the whole family and all the baggages!
Don't expect anything from anyone cause that only leads to disappointment.
Don't expect anything from anyone cause that only leads to disappointment.
Anonymous
09/30/2013 15:29
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
Anonymous wrote:OP, does your husband know about what your stepson posted about you on FB? That might help take his blinders off about what a crappy user his son is.
I doubt it. if he wante to take the blinders off, he would have had.
Anonymous
09/30/2013 10:21
Subject: Re:Please help me not hate my adult stepson
Anonymous wrote:A couple of things
1) No more money. Period. No excuses you and your husband are done giving him cash.
2) If he wants cash he must pay back what he owes you in money or chores. And give you collateral (eg IPad).
3) Don't take the baby brother thing personally. An only male teenager isn't going to be comfortable around a baby.
4) Let him go as a child. Welcome him into your home as an adult. You and your husband have done enough to help him. He's on his own. The longer you coddle this man child, the worse the issues.
I agree with this, except forget the cash you already gave him. It is gone and it will only cause more bitterness to try to get it back. Forget about him caring about your baby. He is an adult --treat him like one. No more money, drop ins, $40 on the counter etc. Just inflames the wound. Stop treating him as if he was 15. That is long gone. Stop expecting him to be a "loving son" to you. That is not happening either. get some distance and some counseling might help. But really, in your financial state -- just some distance.
Anonymous
09/30/2013 09:04
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
OP, does your husband know about what your stepson posted about you on FB? That might help take his blinders off about what a crappy user his son is.
Anonymous
09/30/2013 08:04
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
We had a similar situation here http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/333208.page
except other than for school (and one time a mistake of loaning him 5K for a car) we didn't give him any money. And we wouldn't let him live with us.
I think that the best course of action for both sides is to cut him off financially. Otherwise, he'll be living off your wealth forever and will never take responsibility for his life.
except other than for school (and one time a mistake of loaning him 5K for a car) we didn't give him any money. And we wouldn't let him live with us.
I think that the best course of action for both sides is to cut him off financially. Otherwise, he'll be living off your wealth forever and will never take responsibility for his life.
Anonymous
09/28/2013 21:34
Subject: Re:Please help me not hate my adult stepson
A couple of things
1) No more money. Period. No excuses you and your husband are done giving him cash.
2) If he wants cash he must pay back what he owes you in money or chores. And give you collateral (eg IPad).
3) Don't take the baby brother thing personally. An only male teenager isn't going to be comfortable around a baby.
4) Let him go as a child. Welcome him into your home as an adult. You and your husband have done enough to help him. He's on his own. The longer you coddle this man child, the worse the issues.
1) No more money. Period. No excuses you and your husband are done giving him cash.
2) If he wants cash he must pay back what he owes you in money or chores. And give you collateral (eg IPad).
3) Don't take the baby brother thing personally. An only male teenager isn't going to be comfortable around a baby.
4) Let him go as a child. Welcome him into your home as an adult. You and your husband have done enough to help him. He's on his own. The longer you coddle this man child, the worse the issues.
Anonymous
09/28/2013 16:22
Subject: Re:Please help me not hate my adult stepson
sounds like stepson's behavior is the direct result of very poor co-parenting from mom and dad not some sudden resentment of stepmother (though that may contribute). They replaced stable family structure with manipulation and competition, thus encouraging the manipulative behavior stepson is now engaged in. There is no easy way to fix this situation, and it would ideally take coordinated responses from both parents. Howver, since that is unlikely, best thing is for OP to insist on counseling with her husband. OP, I'd pose it as "Do you want another ex wife and custody battle? IF not, we need to sort this out." You cannot change your stepson, but you can find a better way to relate with your husband about it. THe best solution would be for him to find a way to emotionally support (not enable) stepson while respecting you. You would find a way to separate some of your feelings and enjoy your baby and realize that at a certain point, stepson is not your responsibility.
Anonymous
09/26/2013 21:20
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
Anonymous wrote:The silent treatment is an abusive manipulation tactic
+1000. don't feel sorry for him. if he valued you and your marriage, he would sit down and spend hours talking with you about the issues and would be willing to find a common ground.
what he is saying to you is that this is how it is going to be, you like it or not, and he is going to get it not by getting there with you on board, but forcing you by his manipulation to accept the terms he has already set. just nip this in the bud, or it is going to become the way he deals with you whenever it is convenient for him. I know by experience.
BTW, he is also really damaging his older son with his behavior
Anonymous
09/26/2013 19:04
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
OP, I posted before some weeks ago (my BIL has the same problem with his son), but want to say - just try to enjoy your baby. You won't get those years back.
I'm sorry your husband is an ass. Really, he is. I hope you have your own personal money.
Hugs.
Anonymous
09/26/2013 18:46
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
Anonymous wrote:The silent treatment is an abusive manipulation tactic
It also strikes me as very immature. Whichever way you look at it, it's unacceptable behavior.
Anonymous
09/26/2013 17:22
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
Not being mean, but did you not see this dynamic before you married him?
I am a SM and U observed exactly the kind of parent DH was While we were dating.
I saw the good and the bad.
Sounds like ur hubby does not like to deal with conflict.
Therapy is needed
I am a SM and U observed exactly the kind of parent DH was While we were dating.
I saw the good and the bad.
Sounds like ur hubby does not like to deal with conflict.
Therapy is needed
Anonymous
09/26/2013 16:36
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
The silent treatment is an abusive manipulation tactic
Anonymous
09/26/2013 16:30
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am really grateful that so many people posted such thoughtful and supportive replies. (Even when support was a bit of a kick in the ass, which I need.)
I'm sorry to say that things aren't any better right now. I took about a week and did not bring up my stepson to DH at all, not even once, just to have a week of peace with my baby and new husband. And it actually was really nice. But then DSS stopped by without calling to pick something up from storage in our basement, and left $40 cash toward the loan, and that led me to ask DH about setting up a more firm and definitive repayment schedule, which within 5 minutes led to DH shutting down and not speaking to me for now two days. Which really sucks in general, and sucks even more when you have an infant to care for.
Obviously, this is really a problem between me and DH and how we communicate (or don't, at least not functionally, when it comes to my stepson) but I feel like I'm really hitting the wall here.
Anyway, I don't know what my timeline is for doing anything about this -- most days, I just function getting by with work and trying to enjoy this beautiful baby - but at some point I have to try to either fix this or make a change. I did not sign up for the silent treatment, and I know it's not healthy for a child to grow up with conflict like this. I'm just so, so sad and tired.
If it continues along this path, this will not be a healthy environment to raise your child in.