Agree....in most families the college choice is a decision made primarily by son or daughter but parents are generally almost always a part of the decision making process...afterall who is footing the bill! Of course we should have some say!

Hmm, when I went to college (late 70s), at least one of the interviewers (Penn) came to our home. And the school I ultimately attended sent the parents (as well as the kid) a questionnaire for use in the roommate-matching process.

No one conceptualized decisions about where to matriculate as solely in the hands of the student. That said, we prepped for SATs and did our applications on our own, but that was before there were whole industries devoted to this stuff.

I don't think it's helicopter parenting to see college choice as a collaborative/family process.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lets say I have good reason to believe she will get in. I will not elaborate but she is #1 in her class amongst some other recognizable accomplishments. I do not boast by saying this (do not intend to) but am saying it because I have good reason to think she will get in. Her friend already has "dibs" on special housing and of course if my d gets in she wants her to room with her and why wouldn't she...it is heads and shoulders above the regular housing, and that is just the beginning of what I fear might be a long long road of wealth worship and status mongering,etc.....maybe not, maybe she will surprise me and turn off to it but she is only 17 after all and her friend and her trappings seem to have a hold on her. It IS a legitimate concern, this I know...but the question is do I bite my lip and let her proceed?

Yes, you do bite your lip and let her proceed. I really resented my mother's interference with my college applications (in her case she didn't want me going more than an hour away from home and pressured me to go to a nearby school, telling everyone that I was going to attend it). Luckily I got my dad on my side and felt empowered to apply to the schools that interested me more. I ended up going to an ivy League school (14 hour drive away) on nearly full scholarship, no thanks to any help or encouragement from my mother (she never even congratulated me). Btw we were on the lower socio-economic end too. At college I had plenty of friends who were not filthy rich, and also some that were. Let your daughter become an adult on her own terms. It will be better for your relationship in the long run -- believe me on this. You can't live her life for her. If you've instilled enough of your values in her she will come to question some of the things that also bother you about high end living. Or not. But then again she'll be an adult and you can't control her life at that point. Take her around to the colleges she's interested in and let her make her own decision (as long as they're affordable).

I just don't understand the helicopter parenting that goes on these days. Is it unique to this area? My parents were not involved in my application and decision process for college - I don't think they even read my essays - beyond discussing how it would be paid for. But guess what, I believe I even filled out the FAFSA without their help. And this was in the day it was all done on paper. People need to let their children grow up!

Anonymous wrote:No! Not at all but would like her to consider other Ivies/ comparable schools. Or as someone suggested and my husband said the same one stipulation be that she be with a random roommate to as to matriculate like everyone else.

I guess what I did not express well is that I don't like the idea of her going into a school with a "posse" already there, that gives her no reason to branch out at all. Part of this experience is living with a roommate you don't know and learning how to coexist with a perfect stranger in maybe a room that's not so great, and meeting all kinds of new people and making plans with new friends. I just don;t want her to be in X's web....all the time at least.

Let her make her own mistakes. Seriously. Let this be your mantra: my daughter is her own person and at age 18 is legally an adult and must live her own life. I cannot live her life and make her choices for her.

Give her advice if she asks for it. If you don't want to give her any money if she makes what you perceive to be the 'wrong' decision, so be it and tell her that in advance. Let her do work study and earn her way through college. She'll be a better adult for it anyway.

8:04 again

As I thought some more about this, my take is that it's probably even more problematic to blackball a particular college because of one person who will be there as it is to choose a particular college because one person will be there.

Encourage her to choose a college based on her academic interests and goals -- so focus her decisionmaking process on things like majors, faculty, internships and other opportunities, etc. Define the process of choice in such a way that where her friend goes is of little or no concern.

If it's a central issue to you (as well as to her), you're sending the wrong message and just butting heads.

FWIW, I don't think that a rule like "get a freshman roommate through the lottery" is comparable to "I'll choose your college for you" in terms of lasting grievances.

Anonymous wrote:Lets say I have good reason to believe she will get in. I will not elaborate but she is #1 in her class amongst some other recognizable accomplishments. I do not boast by saying this (do not intend to) but am saying it because I have good reason to think she will get in. Her friend already has "dibs" on special housing and of course if my d gets in she wants her to room with her and why wouldn't she...it is heads and shoulders above the regular housing, and that is just the beginning of what I fear might be a long long road of wealth worship and status mongering,etc.....maybe not, maybe she will surprise me and turn off to it but she is only 17 after all and her friend and her trappings seem to have a hold on her. It IS a legitimate concern, this I know...but the question is do I bite my lip and let her proceed?

Yes, you do bite your lip and let her proceed. I really resented my mother's interference with my college applications (in her case she didn't want me going more than an hour away from home and pressured me to go to a nearby school, telling everyone that I was going to attend it). Luckily I got my dad on my side and felt empowered to apply to the schools that interested me more. I ended up going to an ivy League school (14 hour drive away) on nearly full scholarship, no thanks to any help or encouragement from my mother (she never even congratulated me). Btw we were on the lower socio-economic end too. At college I had plenty of friends who were not filthy rich, and also some that were. Let your daughter become an adult on her own terms. It will be better for your relationship in the long run -- believe me on this. You can't live her life for her. If you've instilled enough of your values in her she will come to question some of the things that also bother you about high end living. Or not. But then again she'll be an adult and you can't control her life at that point. Take her around to the colleges she's interested in and let her make her own decision (as long as they're affordable).

FWIW, this strikes me as a legit concern in theory but unlikely to be an issue in practice. College is so much bigger than HS (especially than a private HS) and you do tend to make friends with people who have common interests (academic or extracurricular).

I think your DH's proviso (school picks the roommate freshman year) will be sufficient to address the need to branch out and meet new people.

Also the wealth thing is a lot more prominent in private K-12 contexts than college IME. Families are in the mix in a much bigger way now than they'll be later.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2320 is no guarantee of an Ivy ...sorry.

Even 2400 isn't a guarantee at the top ones. Maybe OPs DD is an athletic recruit - that's the only way OP could be so sure about her admission. Although then retaking the SAT would be a waste of time since 2320 should be fine for an athletic recruit.

I do find it sad that the DD has dreamed of 2400 for years. Kids like that tend to be continually disappointed when they aren't perfect. That kind of pressure can be dangerous down the road.

Oh puhleeze. The only disappointment I sense is with this poster. There is nothing "dangerous" about striving for excellence. And maybe OP's DD is an athletic recruit. One of my DD's friends is a recruit who just got a likely letter from an Ivy and she is still taking the SAT again, too. I am not worried about her being disappointed or being in any "danger." I am really happy for her and wish her every success!

Anonymous wrote:2320 is no guarantee of an Ivy ...sorry.

Even 2400 isn't a guarantee at the top ones. Maybe OPs DD is an athletic recruit - that's the only way OP could be so sure about her admission. Although then retaking the SAT would be a waste of time since 2320 should be fine for an athletic recruit.

I do find it sad that the DD has dreamed of 2400 for years. Kids like that tend to be continually disappointed when they aren't perfect. That kind of pressure can be dangerous down the road.

2320 is no guarantee of an Ivy ...sorry.

Yay you OP!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your DD still taking an SAT class in the fall of senior year? Didn't she get all that over with last year? My senior finished SAT prep last March. If she's taking the SATs again in October that means she must not have done well enough last year. I can't imagine there is an Ivy bound kid at any of the top schools who wouldn't have taken the SAT's last year. Something is fishy here.

Everyone is so quick to judge. She got a 2320 if you must know but her life dream was scoring a perfect score and she thinks she can. Don't ask. I spent HOURS talking her out of it but she used her own money to pay for this acceleration course....it was her decision and she is taking it again, many seniors do around here and in her school I would venture to say nearly all or most do.

With that level of maturity and decision making, you may want to insist that she defer the Ivy and take a gap year. She doesn't sound ready for college.

That's just mean. Jelly of the 2320?

Totally agree. Think the 2320 got her peeved and ready to throw darts.....turn that negative energy into something positive..you will feel a whole lot better

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your DD still taking an SAT class in the fall of senior year? Didn't she get all that over with last year? My senior finished SAT prep last March. If she's taking the SATs again in October that means she must not have done well enough last year. I can't imagine there is an Ivy bound kid at any of the top schools who wouldn't have taken the SAT's last year. Something is fishy here.

Everyone is so quick to judge. She got a 2320 if you must know but her life dream was scoring a perfect score and she thinks she can. Don't ask. I spent HOURS talking her out of it but she used her own money to pay for this acceleration course....it was her decision and she is taking it again, many seniors do around here and in her school I would venture to say nearly all or most do.

With that level of maturity and decision making, you may want to insist that she defer the Ivy and take a gap year. She doesn't sound ready for college.

That's just mean. Jelly of the 2320?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your DD still taking an SAT class in the fall of senior year? Didn't she get all that over with last year? My senior finished SAT prep last March. If she's taking the SATs again in October that means she must not have done well enough last year. I can't imagine there is an Ivy bound kid at any of the top schools who wouldn't have taken the SAT's last year. Something is fishy here.

Everyone is so quick to judge. She got a 2320 if you must know but her life dream was scoring a perfect score and she thinks she can. Don't ask. I spent HOURS talking her out of it but she used her own money to pay for this acceleration course....it was her decision and she is taking it again, many seniors do around here and in her school I would venture to say nearly all or most do.

With that level of maturity and decision making, you may want to insist that she defer the Ivy and take a gap year. She doesn't sound ready for college.

Doesn't sound ready? Because she wants to improve her SAT score? Gee then I guess all 15 million or so kids getting ready to prepare their applications should halt the process too because gasp! they are taking the SAT again to improve their scores....please at least make a logical and coherent statement!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your DD still taking an SAT class in the fall of senior year? Didn't she get all that over with last year? My senior finished SAT prep last March. If she's taking the SATs again in October that means she must not have done well enough last year. I can't imagine there is an Ivy bound kid at any of the top schools who wouldn't have taken the SAT's last year. Something is fishy here.

Everyone is so quick to judge. She got a 2320 if you must know but her life dream was scoring a perfect score and she thinks she can. Don't ask. I spent HOURS talking her out of it but she used her own money to pay for this acceleration course....it was her decision and she is taking it again, many seniors do around here and in her school I would venture to say nearly all or most do.

With that level of maturity and decision making, you may want to insist that she defer the Ivy and take a gap year. She doesn't sound ready for college.