DC, NY, Boston, SF, LA very high housing costs and difficult to make it on one normal income. Many families choose to live elsewhere to have more family friendly cost of living.

Anonymous wrote:I HATE working now that I have a baby, too. I DREAD deadlines, presentations, conferences, etc that I used to find challenging. (I am also a little burnt out of my profession but that is another story.) But there was a thread recently that asked SAHMs if they were "bored" at home. I wanted to ask, but did not know how to articulate, if rather than boredom, they ever experienced this same feeling of DREAD to each day that I get while working. Somehow I doubt it, but maybe it depends on the person/situation, I don't know.

I am so glad you posted this. My child just turned 1 and the ever since I came back to work after 3.5 months) I've been wondering how my hormones got so whacked out that I can't handle the pressure anymore. I used to have thick skin when it came to dealing with the nonsense that came with my job but now I absolutely can't stand it. I can't figure out how to get out.

I appreciate the posts here that point out that there are disadvantages to staying home. I don't want DH to feel the pressure of being the sole breadwinner, nor do I want to feel dependent on him. I just wish I could figure out a job that I could do that would not make me insane. Sigh.

PP from above. The advantage for me as a SAHP is that my spouse does not need to worry about almost all home-based things and can maintain a very busy schedule. If we both had the same work-load the only way to raise our kids would be to outsource that job.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just find this whole concept odd: Expecting that someone else will go to work every day and deal with the stress of a commute, work politics, etc., while you don't work so you are less stressed. Its one thing if the kids are not in school and there is actually work to be done taking care of them during the day, but once the kids are in school it is pretty rare to see a SAP pulling anything near equal weight. I have a few "old school" friends who actually do weekly full-cleaning of their homes, plus almost all of the grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking and clean up, the laundry, shopping for household items and kids stuff, management of the finances and travel planning, etc., truly leaving it to their working spouses to focus on work, but that is rare.

I do all of the tasks you mention above with 2 preschoolers at home with me (except finances which I would gladly do but DH likes doing it) and plan to keep doing it all once my kids are in school. I admit its an "old fashioned" arraignment but we both like it and it works for us for now. Most of DH's colleagues are breadwinners/sole incomes with SAH spouses, so I think it would be harder for him to split the responsibilities with me if I worked.

+1 except I do all the finances too but our kids are school age. Works for us. DH only has to focus on work plus he usually travels at least once a wk. It would be much more stressful for everyone if I was not a SAHM, chauffeur, cook, house....

Me too! And by the way - the kids are in school - yes - but not for ten weeks in the summer and not for two weeks at Christmas,not to mention all the half-days, sick-days, vacation days, etc. Not to mention all the school activities, chaperoning, etc.
I fully respect those who work FT and have all of the above to juggle - but I don't appreciate being told I do nothing all day since my kids are in school.

I like the balance of working and being a mom. Plus, in this economy I don't want to depend on one income, putting all my eggs in one basket. I want my 2 girls to see the balance and study hard so they can be successful. I am thankful to God for giving us both the ability to make a good living, spend time with our children, and provide our children with what they need.

If you really want to stay at home, do it. Move to a more affordable house/apt and do it. It is doable - my parents did it.

Not that I'm following their example. I have a career that interests me and, because I'm fulfilled, I'm a happier momma, which translates to a happier homelife. If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

You moms are doing a great job! I think by staying in the workforce we have a greater chance at changing perceptions, schedules and working conditions for ourselves and generations to come. If we leave the workforce, there won't be anyone around to advocate for the things we are asking for.

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else work because it's what their DH wants? I like my job - it is really cool, but long hours, and the type of work is such that I have a hard time imagining how my skills could translate into something lower stress or part time.

I would, however, downsize our lifestyle or move to the sticks to stay home, but DH isn't willing. (He also fears I would be miserable if I quit working).

I kinda wish he had some of that machismo "I can provide for my family" attitude that some of my SAH friends' husbands have, but that's not who he is. He likes our life and thinks working (out of the home) is just what adults should all
do.

Yeah, my husband doesn't want the pressure of being the sole breadwinner and moving to the sticks so we could afford to live on one salary would mean a bad commute for him (meaning he wouldn't get to see our kids much if at all during the week). It doesn't seem like a fair tradeoff that I would get to spend all my time with the kids and he would only get to see them on the weekends. My job is relatively family friendly, though--regular hours, a true 40 hours a week, flexible about start/end times--and it provides our health insurance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't hate it, but I totally get you. I am really envious of all my SAHM friends. I do like my job, though, and I like that I get home at night and can talk to my husband about work stuff, not just kid stuff. He likes it, too.

I would love to work 9-2:30, four days a week. That would be ideal.

Who wouldn't? I want a pony too,

What color?

Anonymous wrote:I HATE working now that I have a baby, too. I DREAD deadlines, presentations, conferences, etc that I used to find challenging. (I am also a little burnt out of my profession but that is another story.) But there was a thread recently that asked SAHMs if they were "bored" at home. I wanted to ask, but did not know how to articulate, if rather than boredom, they ever experienced this same feeling of DREAD to each day that I get while working. Somehow I doubt it, but maybe it depends on the person/situation, I don't know.

I totally get this. I am an attorney. I stayed home for a few years when my children were babies and now I work part-time. I switched from trial work to mostly writing. However, I do occasionally have court hearings, which I now find stressful. Having kids makes everything so much harder. when I was single and childless, it was nothing for me to work late, get everything organized for work, get there early etc. It was even easier for me to go clothes shopping and buy professional clothes.

With kids in tow, you barely have time for yourself and you have zero time to work overtime. Forget about travel for work. IN the mornngs, I have to get three little kids up, dressed and ready for school. Then I worry about myself. there is no way I look and act as professional as I used to. This is why I only work part time.

Professional jobs are stressful. I have a friend who does not have children and she works 60 - 70 hours a week. She is exhausted. All she does is work. She gets there at 7 a.m. and works weekends sometimes. Her weekends are some work, lots of personal errands and a teeny tiny bit of socializing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just find this whole concept odd: Expecting that someone else will go to work every day and deal with the stress of a commute, work politics, etc., while you don't work so you are less stressed. Its one thing if the kids are not in school and there is actually work to be done taking care of them during the day, but once the kids are in school it is pretty rare to see a SAP pulling anything near equal weight. I have a few "old school" friends who actually do weekly full-cleaning of their homes, plus almost all of the grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking and clean up, the laundry, shopping for household items and kids stuff, management of the finances and travel planning, etc., truly leaving it to their working spouses to focus on work, but that is rare.

I do all of the tasks you mention above with 2 preschoolers at home with me (except finances which I would gladly do but DH likes doing it) and plan to keep doing it all once my kids are in school. I admit its an "old fashioned" arraignment but we both like it and it works for us for now. Most of DH's colleagues are breadwinners/sole incomes with SAH spouses, so I think it would be harder for him to split the responsibilities with me if I worked.

+1 except I do all the finances too but our kids are school age. Works for us. DH only has to focus on work plus he usually travels at least once a wk. It would be much more stressful for everyone if I was not a SAHM, chauffeur, cook, house....

Anonymous wrote:I just find this whole concept odd: Expecting that someone else will go to work every day and deal with the stress of a commute, work politics, etc., while you don't work so you are less stressed. Its one thing if the kids are not in school and there is actually work to be done taking care of them during the day, but once the kids are in school it is pretty rare to see a SAP pulling anything near equal weight. I have a few "old school" friends who actually do weekly full-cleaning of their homes, plus almost all of the grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking and clean up, the laundry, shopping for household items and kids stuff, management of the finances and travel planning, etc., truly leaving it to their working spouses to focus on work, but that is rare.

I do all of the tasks you mention above with 2 preschoolers at home with me (except finances which I would gladly do but DH likes doing it) and plan to keep doing it all once my kids are in school. I admit its an "old fashioned" arraignment but we both like it and it works for us for now. Most of DH's colleagues are breadwinners/sole incomes with SAH spouses, so I think it would be harder for him to split the responsibilities with me if I worked.

I just find this whole concept odd: Expecting that someone else will go to work every day and deal with the stress of a commute, work politics, etc., while you don't work so you are less stressed. Its one thing if the kids are not in school and there is actually work to be done taking care of them during the day, but once the kids are in school it is pretty rare to see a SAP pulling anything near equal weight. I have a few "old school" friends who actually do weekly full-cleaning of their homes, plus almost all of the grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking and clean up, the laundry, shopping for household items and kids stuff, management of the finances and travel planning, etc., truly leaving it to their working spouses to focus on work, but that is rare.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else work because it's what their DH wants? I like my job - it is really cool, but long hours, and the type of work is such that I have a hard time imagining how my skills could translate into something lower stress or part time.

I would, however, downsize our lifestyle or move to the sticks to stay home, but DH isn't willing. (He also fears I would be miserable if I quit working).

I kinda wish he had some of that machismo "I can provide for my family" attitude that some of my SAH friends' husbands have, but that's not who he is. He likes our life and thinks working (out of the home) is just what adults should all
do.

I am so lucky that I am married to someone who doesn't care if I work or not. If I had stayed in DC, I doubt this would be the case. It seems like everyone in DC is a two-couple professional family. I am a professional and I worked for a lot of years before I had children, but I do feel lucky that I married someone who feels like it is his responsibility to support his family. It is nice. I do work part-time but I am so glad I am not being pressured to work full-time unless I want to do so. Also, we don't have a lot of expenses. We bought a house we knew we could pay for with his salary alone. We don't take many vacations. We don't have expensive cars or babysitter expenses or private school tuition. I am a feminisit but I do think that men shoud be able to support a family if they have one. Honestly, it is very hard when both parents work full time. It is a lot of logistics and stress and very little free time.

I don't want to derail this thread, but that bolded part stood out to me. Being a feminist means supporting women's choices to work outside the home, stay home, etc., but I don't know if most feminists would agree that men alone should be able to support a family if they have one. That sounds sexist to me (and I didn't think the earlier post about how workplaces should support women was sexist).

I don't think that feminism means supporting women's choices. I think that feminism means supporting social, political, and economic equality for men and women.

Now, would you say, "Both men and women should be able to support a family if they have one?" That would be a feminist position. "Being a full-time stay-at-home parent is a valid choice for both women and men" -- also a feminist position. "Men should be able to support a family if they have one, but that requirement doesn't apply to women"? Not a feminist position.