Anonymous wrote:

And I think of sex and alcohol similarly in this way: I think the later the start, generally the better. Sure, some kids drink or have sex at age 14 and turn out great. But statistics suggest that kids who start drinking at older ages rather than younger tend to have healthier attitudes toward drinking, are less likely to develop problems with alcohol, etc. I have a notion that delaying sex might have similar positive effects overall. I have no statistics at hand to back up that opinion, it is just the view I take.

Actually I agree with all of this. I just don't think that "you can't have sex in my house!" stops kids from having sex. It just stops kids from having sex in your house (or at least from having sex in your house with you knowing about it).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have to cross that bridge when you come to it, but honestly, I don't think it sets the right tone. Will the kids have the maturity to use protection (i.e. condoms and the pill) so that they don't conceive a kid or get herpes? Will their hearts be broken? It seems inevitable, don't you think? Will one kid secretly tape/photograph another and post it on social media(this happens with alarming frequency and the internet is forever and can particularly ruin a girl's chances for a solid future)?

Remember, your kid's young, but when the time comes, the issue will remain: if you allow your kids to have sleepovers &/or sex in their room, will you be ready to raise the grandkid created from such an event?

Only you can answer these questions.

It's happened before and will happen again.

Seriously? I think you missed my posts about how to discuss sex with kids from early ages, building trust, discussing repercussions, etc. You have a pretty black and white view on this which isn't reality.

No, actually, I grew up here, and I've watched classmates and their sisters -- and parents -- end up raising kids and watching the "fathers" walk away because sex is complicated and they were "older teens" who were clumsy with birth control. In two cases, the girls married nice guys and then the "fathers" disappeared completely. One son is 25 and the other is 31 now. Their fathers are nowhere and their stepfathers are frankly preoccupied with raising their much younger siblings. These are only two examples from high SES families. It happens across demographics, everybody.
Like I said, it's happened before and will happen again.

It's a good way to slow a girl's progress while teaching a guy that he never has to take responsibility because someone else will solve the problems.

Okay. You're making a lot of assumptions here about me and other posters that are not founded. I have son. I will be teaching him all kinds of things, including personal responsibility and consequences. Your emotions are clouding your thinking about this issue.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm surprised that so many of you would express disappointment, anger, not in my house, etc . . . What is the goal? To lead them to sneak around? To teach them sex is bad? To completely remove yourself from any conversation about what they are actually doing?

My goal is to raise my DD to see sex as a really good thing in the right context, meaning a loving, positive relationship. My secondary goal is to make sure she will talk to me if and when she feels the need to discuss anything related to sex. I'm 12:52 and my DD is 17 and I have no problem with her having sex with her boyfriend in her bedroom with the door closed. She has gotten the message that the relationship is important. I do not fear that she will go off to college and hook up like crazy.

As for the poster who insists her DC won't have sex until marriage . . . you are dreaming, but okey dokey. My parents thought the same thing about me. HA HA HA HA.

I'm sure someone will trip me up with this analogy, but here goes anyway:

I think of sex kind of like alcohol. I want my kids to have a healthy respect for alcohol, to be able to drink responsibly, to have full information about the impact of drinking, etc etc etc. I want them to be able to talk to me about the drinking that is going on around them and even (god forbid, LOL) the drinking that they themselves are doing. I want them to know my personal values about drinking, but also to feel that they can ALWAYS call me if they or the person driving them has been drinking. So we talk about drinking, the good and the bad, I express my opinion about responsible drinking, about the dangers of drinking so much that you have to rely on others (teens, no less, LOL) for your safety and well-being, I say again and again that they will never be punished for CALLING ME for a ride. But I don't serve alcohol to teens.

And I think of sex and alcohol similarly in this way: I think the later the start, generally the better. Sure, some kids drink or have sex at age 14 and turn out great. But statistics suggest that kids who start drinking at older ages rather than younger tend to have healthier attitudes toward drinking, are less likely to develop problems with alcohol, etc. I have a notion that delaying sex might have similar positive effects overall. I have no statistics at hand to back up that opinion, it is just the view I take.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have to cross that bridge when you come to it, but honestly, I don't think it sets the right tone. Will the kids have the maturity to use protection (i.e. condoms and the pill) so that they don't conceive a kid or get herpes? Will their hearts be broken? It seems inevitable, don't you think? Will one kid secretly tape/photograph another and post it on social media(this happens with alarming frequency and the internet is forever and can particularly ruin a girl's chances for a solid future)?

Remember, your kid's young, but when the time comes, the issue will remain: if you allow your kids to have sleepovers &/or sex in their room, will you be ready to raise the grandkid created from such an event?

Only you can answer these questions.

It's happened before and will happen again.

Seriously? I think you missed my posts about how to discuss sex with kids from early ages, building trust, discussing repercussions, etc. You have a pretty black and white view on this which isn't reality.

No, actually, I grew up here, and I've watched classmates and their sisters -- and parents -- end up raising kids and watching the "fathers" walk away because sex is complicated and they were "older teens" who were clumsy with birth control. In two cases, the girls married nice guys and then the "fathers" disappeared completely. One son is 25 and the other is 31 now. Their fathers are nowhere and their stepfathers are frankly preoccupied with raising their much younger siblings. These are only two examples from high SES families. It happens across demographics, everybody.
Like I said, it's happened before and will happen again.

It's a good way to slow a girl's progress while teaching a guy that he never has to take responsibility because someone else will solve the problems.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mother of older teen and what she does with her boyfriend in her room with the door closed is her business. She is in a positive relationship with a young man whom we like very much and frankly I think in this context she should be having sex. At the very least it is healthy and appropriate. If she were behaving recklessly or if she was much younger I would feel differently. But sex is a good thing, no?

Will raising her child be your business? Actually, yes. Tell her about condoms, for your sake as well as hers. Sex is a mixed bag emotionally as well as physically. It's not a neutral.

And you're assuming that the mother of the older teen hasn't told her daughter about condoms because...well, because why, exactly?

Anonymous wrote:

The idea of "having a word with your teen" about being more discreet while he/she has sex in your house is just....I'm speechless.

Why are you speechless?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mother of older teen and what she does with her boyfriend in her room with the door closed is her business. She is in a positive relationship with a young man whom we like very much and frankly I think in this context she should be having sex. At the very least it is healthy and appropriate. If she were behaving recklessly or if she was much younger I would feel differently. But sex is a good thing, no?

Will raising her child be your business? Actually, yes. Tell her about condoms, for your sake as well as hers. Sex is a mixed bag emotionally as well as physically. It's not a neutral.

You know what? You can stop now. There's not one parent on this thread who has said they give their kids carte blanche to have sex WITHOUT having discussed the realities of sex. So get off your damned soapbox and let the adults talk.

Anonymous wrote:Mother of older teen and what she does with her boyfriend in her room with the door closed is her business. She is in a positive relationship with a young man whom we like very much and frankly I think in this context she should be having sex. At the very least it is healthy and appropriate. If she were behaving recklessly or if she was much younger I would feel differently. But sex is a good thing, no?

Will raising her child be your business? Actually, yes. Tell her about condoms, for your sake as well as hers. Sex is a mixed bag emotionally as well as physically. It's not a neutral.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So you would be cool with inadvertently overhearing but not so cool with eavesdropping?

Yup. Inadvertently overhearing happens (although if it happened often, I might have a word with the kid about discretion). Eavesdropping, on the other hand, is no different from peeping in the windows. Ick.

Well, I personally wouldn't feel comfortable with either eavesdropping (not sure why you seem to think that I would be) OR inadvertently overhearing my teenage kid having sex in his/her bedroom. So that (teen sex) won't be allowed in my house - end of story.

The idea of "having a word with your teen" about being more discrete while he/she has sex in your house is just....I'm speechless.

Anonymous wrote:
Remember, your kid's young, but when the time comes, the issue will remain: if you allow your kids to have sleepovers &/or sex in their room, will you be ready to raise the grandkid created from such an event?

This assumes that if the kid can't have sleepovers &/or sex in their room, the kid won't have sex. Which is kind of an iffy assumption.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, H*ll no.

I'm not going to insist that my kids wait until they get married (it would be nice if they did that, but not my call) but NO WAY would I let my high school aged teen openly have sex in their room, in my house.

What about once they hit college? Could they bring their boyfriend home to stay in your house?

Well, sure. But most likely not in the same room.

I had a serious boyfriend when I was in college but we NEVER expected to have sex in our parents' houses. Ever. Having their "approval" to do so would have felt really awkward and wrong and really UNsexy.

Same here, which makes me more open to the idea.

I was chatting with DH about this topic and how if we let our kid's boy/girlfriend over then we should indicate to our teen that we would also have sex. DH thought that would be just cruel to our son. Fair, but it enforces the idea that sex is an adult activity.

I hope you are joking because thats pretty disgusting and shows a complete lack of boundaries. Parents should not discuss their sex lives with their children, period.

The guy who said that is a snark, not a parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is my job to help make sure my teens don't screw up their futures. So: I make sure they have full information about preventing pregnancy and STDs, I make sure they know how to get birth control if they need it, we talk about responsible behavior and being open and honest in relationships. I express my opinion about when sex is appropriate in a relationship and when it is not.

It is not my job to help my teens find a place to have sex. So: no sleepovers at my house.

Is it your job to help them get birth control? Or just to help them know how to get birth control?

Yes, I do consider it my job to help get birth control.

Then buy the big box of condoms, tell them what Plan B is and where to get it and instill in them the expectation that they will go to college and graduate school, specifically by using birth control to ensure a child free college experience.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have to cross that bridge when you come to it, but honestly, I don't think it sets the right tone. Will the kids have the maturity to use protection (i.e. condoms and the pill) so that they don't conceive a kid or get herpes? Will their hearts be broken? It seems inevitable, don't you think? Will one kid secretly tape/photograph another and post it on social media(this happens with alarming frequency and the internet is forever and can particularly ruin a girl's chances for a solid future)?

Remember, your kid's young, but when the time comes, the issue will remain: if you allow your kids to have sleepovers &/or sex in their room, will you be ready to raise the grandkid created from such an event?

Only you can answer these questions.

It's happened before and will happen again.

Seriously? I think you missed my posts about how to discuss sex with kids from early ages, building trust, discussing repercussions, etc. You have a pretty black and white view on this which isn't reality.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just found out that my sister is allowing her 17.75 year old son and his 18 year old girlfriend (they just graduated high school) to have sleepovers at her house.

I think this is just asking for trouble. There are no boundaries. I think sex is an adult activity. I don't think there should be parental involvementn at all - meaning, wait until you have your own place! 17 is way too young. She will regret this when these teens get pregnant and their college plans are messed up.

Plus, I think all these sleepovers (the girlfriend - his first and someone he has only been dating a few months) is too much, too soon. These teens should be out and about dating and having fun, not holed up in a house boinking. It is like they are together 24/7 and a married couple already. Geez. I think it is a terrible idea all the way around.

OP here. To play devil's advocate, 18 is legally an adult. At 18, you can serve in the military and be held to adult standards in the legal system. Shouldn't you be allowed to decide to have sex, too, if you can be sent overseas to fight and perhaps die for your country?

I hate that straw man argument. Tell you what -- they minute they enlist and survive boot camp, they can drink and fuck all they want in my house. Until then, it's just a hypothetical.

It really isn't a straw man argument at all. It's an argument about the age at which kids can make informed decisions about their own sex lives and what is the proper role of parents at that stage. I find it interesting that as a society we think nothing of 18 year olds enlisting to fight for the country but if they are having sex we FREAK OUT!!!!!

NP here: no I freak out because invariably the grandchilren created are raised by the mom and/or grandkids, because herpes is forever and AIDS while seemingly a chronic disease is still fatal, even if it's after 20 years now and because sexting and/or posting photos to the internet can hurt futures. At 18, a boy may be able to go to boot camp, but I have yet to see one who has the wherewithal and self-discipline to raise a kid. What the guys do -- almost invariably in the DC area -- is leave the child to fate. Not good enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is my job to help make sure my teens don't screw up their futures. So: I make sure they have full information about preventing pregnancy and STDs, I make sure they know how to get birth control if they need it, we talk about responsible behavior and being open and honest in relationships. I express my opinion about when sex is appropriate in a relationship and when it is not.

It is not my job to help my teens find a place to have sex. So: no sleepovers at my house.

Is it your job to help them get birth control? Or just to help them know how to get birth control?

Yes, I do consider it my job to help get birth control.