Anonymous
08/06/2013 13:11
Subject: What is a fair contribution from Fiance living in my house?
Anonymous wrote:OP oozes desperation. A woman has to be compeletely desperate to shack up with a man like this.
Eh, I don't know about that. It doesn't always start out like this.
You can explain some stuff away or let it slide by considering a person's circumstances. Like, it becomes reasonable for the person with the steady job to pay for dinner or pay the bills or all the rent when the other person loses their job or otherwise takes an income hit. People have expenses crop up suddenly and they don't always have the cash on hand to cover them. So the other person maybe steps up and saves the day. Over time, a dynamic emerges in which one person always volunteers to pay/help/accommodate, while the other takes advantage of that. What was once appreciating the help of your partner when times got tough becomes taking advantage.
OP, you need to leave this man. You ask if it's reasonable for him to be paying 1/4 of the monthly expenses, simply because you have 2 children? No, it is not. He is an adult. They are children. Practically speaking, they are not consuming as much as either of the adults in this situation, especially if you share custody. You say he will leave all his money to his niece, even if he marries you? What the hell!
I was very sad for you at the beginning of this thread. I know how the slippery slope can feel. You start wondering if you're crazy, then you start believing that you must be, that you either deserve this or are not seeing it clearly. Have you learned anything new in the course of this conversation with all of us out here in internetland? Listen to the words you are saying. This man is using you, disrespecting you, disrespecting your children and expecting you to be grateful for it.
Anonymous
08/06/2013 13:10
Subject: What is a fair contribution from Fiance living in my house?
Anonymous wrote:It has to be fake. I never call fake and actually get really pissed off by the overuse of the word "troll" on dcum, but people like this can't possibly exist. If it is true and you really are this delusional, get rid of him now now now now. Get rid of him yesterday. Can't possibly stress how fast you should run.
This is really happening to me this very day. I am with him because I love him and enjoy spending time with him and we have similar interests and make each other laugh. My parents are still together, I don't know anyone divorced, I don't know what is fair and believed that the amount he is contributing (chores and financially) is more than it would be without him. So my alternative is lose what is being contributed and someone I love all in the same day.
Anonymous
08/06/2013 13:09
Subject: What is a fair contribution from Fiance living in my house?
Anonymous wrote:OP oozes desperation. A woman has to be compeletely desperate to shack up with a man like this.
We all want to be loved. I don't fault OP for that. No one wants to be lonely, and we all want to believe the best of the person who claims to love us. In OP's case, unfortunately the guy is not a good guy. He isn't the first one to behave like this, nor is OP the first woman to get involved with a guy like this. It happens.
OP - you deserve better. Time for a serious heart to heart with him. The discussion should end with a move-out date for him. He will try to manipulate you like crazy. Let him move back to his mother's, and if he decides your relationship is worthwhile then he may try returning as a true partner.
Anonymous
08/06/2013 13:07
Subject: What is a fair contribution from Fiance living in my house?
I am the PP who said to dump him and move into a house you can afford by yourself. I would also like to suggest that you get counseling to see why you think it's ok that he treat you and your children like this.
(It's none of my business, but am now curious why your marriage broke up)
(It's none of my business, but am now curious why your marriage broke up)
Anonymous
08/06/2013 13:06
Subject: What is a fair contribution from Fiance living in my house?
I have an uncle who sounds a lot like your "fiancé", OP. He is not a good guy. He is REALLY good at pretending he loves and cares about a woman, and REALLY good at manipulating her into essentially supporting him, and REALLY good at claiming that all problems or sources of discord are the fault of the woman, not him.
Examples:
If you want me to pay my fair share, you only want me for my money.
If you want me to perform an equal amount of work to maintain our shared home, you're using me to make your life easier.
If you want me to be clear about and commit to my plans regarding our relationship, you're forcing me and only care about your own needs.
Sound familiar? He takes all of his own character failures and pretends that the woman is the real issue. She's not. It's him. I've seen this play out time and time again with his different "long term girlfriends" over the years. Same story, different woman, same result at the end - she ends up screwed over and screwed up, and he walks away unscathed (often financially enriched) and moves on to the next woman.
OP, have enough respect for yourself to recognize that he is not treating you like a true partner. Your children deserve better than this. You deserve better than this. Find yourself a path out of this relationship as soon as possible. Give yourself the space to find a TRUE partner.
Examples:
If you want me to pay my fair share, you only want me for my money.
If you want me to perform an equal amount of work to maintain our shared home, you're using me to make your life easier.
If you want me to be clear about and commit to my plans regarding our relationship, you're forcing me and only care about your own needs.
Sound familiar? He takes all of his own character failures and pretends that the woman is the real issue. She's not. It's him. I've seen this play out time and time again with his different "long term girlfriends" over the years. Same story, different woman, same result at the end - she ends up screwed over and screwed up, and he walks away unscathed (often financially enriched) and moves on to the next woman.
OP, have enough respect for yourself to recognize that he is not treating you like a true partner. Your children deserve better than this. You deserve better than this. Find yourself a path out of this relationship as soon as possible. Give yourself the space to find a TRUE partner.
Anonymous
08/06/2013 13:05
Subject: What is a fair contribution from Fiance living in my house?
Your post has made me very upset. I'm literally sitting at my desk at work crying. I'm upset with you and upset with him. You deserve better than this OP.
Anonymous
08/06/2013 13:03
Subject: What is a fair contribution from Fiance living in my house?
[q? Dude is living with you rent free and chipping in for utilities when it's convenient for me. Jeez, can I move in with you?
Me, too! I will buy you dinner, though!
Anonymous
08/06/2013 12:58
Subject: What is a fair contribution from Fiance living in my house?
OP oozes desperation. A woman has to be compeletely desperate to shack up with a man like this.
Anonymous
08/06/2013 12:57
Subject: What is a fair contribution from Fiance living in my house?
Anonymous wrote:Op I understand that you dont want to seem like youre using him for money however the fact of the matter is that you two are living together. You are sharing a home and a life.
As this is the case I believe you should be sharing the household bills 50/50.
I'm not asking him to pay for your childs soccer practice or band camp, mind you.
Im asking him to contribut the following to the household expenses:
Half of mortgage
Half of cable/electric/gas/water/sewer/trash
1/2 of food
The thing that really ticks me off about this fiance of yours is that he clearly makes alot more than you do yet pays alot less of the communal bills. If he truly loevd you then he would not have thought twice over paying the god damn utility bill that one time.
You know what I need to go now because Im getting really freaking upset about how you are being treated by him.
Please put your foot down. Demand 50/50. If you dont do this now things will go down hill from here.
+1
When DH and I were engaged, I paid his way through school. After that, he paid 100% of the expenses until we got married to "pay me back" (I didn't ask for this, he did it because he's a good guy). We got married a year later, and we pool all our money now -- we both pay for everything (and our "fun money" each month is 50/50, too). That's how it works in a true partnership.
Anonymous
08/06/2013 12:55
Subject: What is a fair contribution from Fiance living in my house?
Let me guess OP, YOU suggested moving in together, hell I'd be willing to bet that you even pressured him into proposing to you because those are the only reasons why you will put up with him using you like this, "just so you can have a man".
Anonymous
08/06/2013 12:54
Subject: What is a fair contribution from Fiance living in my house?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I can't believe we are on page three of the comments and you are still together. Are you not listening to us?
DUMP HIM NOW!
before we get to page 4.
Lol, but +1
He sounds like a little spoiled brat as a pp said. Get rid of him. Even if he agreed to split bills with you, he would be resentful and bitch about it. What are you getting out of this relationship?
I love him and if I end it over money, then I am exactly what he says "Just with him for what he can do for me" Would 1/4 of the bills be fair or does it go more by the income of each partner? I know if it were the other way around, this would not have worked for him, me giving very little and banking thousands each month. I said to get a house together but still is 3 of me and 1 of him.
Honey, he is just with you for what you can do for him.
Holy shit, dump this loser YESTERDAY.
Anonymous
08/06/2013 12:54
Subject: What is a fair contribution from Fiance living in my house?
It has to be fake. I never call fake and actually get really pissed off by the overuse of the word "troll" on dcum, but people like this can't possibly exist. If it is true and you really are this delusional, get rid of him now now now now. Get rid of him yesterday. Can't possibly stress how fast you should run.
Anonymous
08/06/2013 12:54
Subject: What is a fair contribution from Fiance living in my house?
Op I understand that you dont want to seem like youre using him for money however the fact of the matter is that you two are living together. You are sharing a home and a life.
As this is the case I believe you should be sharing the household bills 50/50.
I'm not asking him to pay for your childs soccer practice or band camp, mind you.
Im asking him to contribut the following to the household expenses:
Half of mortgage
Half of cable/electric/gas/water/sewer/trash
1/2 of food
The thing that really ticks me off about this fiance of yours is that he clearly makes alot more than you do yet pays alot less of the communal bills. If he truly loevd you then he would not have thought twice over paying the god damn utility bill that one time.
You know what I need to go now because Im getting really freaking upset about how you are being treated by him.
Please put your foot down. Demand 50/50. If you dont do this now things will go down hill from here.
As this is the case I believe you should be sharing the household bills 50/50.
I'm not asking him to pay for your childs soccer practice or band camp, mind you.
Im asking him to contribut the following to the household expenses:
Half of mortgage
Half of cable/electric/gas/water/sewer/trash
1/2 of food
The thing that really ticks me off about this fiance of yours is that he clearly makes alot more than you do yet pays alot less of the communal bills. If he truly loevd you then he would not have thought twice over paying the god damn utility bill that one time.
You know what I need to go now because Im getting really freaking upset about how you are being treated by him.
Please put your foot down. Demand 50/50. If you dont do this now things will go down hill from here.
Anonymous
08/06/2013 12:53
Subject: What is a fair contribution from Fiance living in my house?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I can't believe we are on page three of the comments and you are still together. Are you not listening to us?
DUMP HIM NOW!
before we get to page 4.
Lol, but +1
He sounds like a little spoiled brat as a pp said. Get rid of him. Even if he agreed to split bills with you, he would be resentful and bitch about it. What are you getting out of this relationship?
I love him and if I end it over money, then I am exactly what he says "Just with him for what he can do for me" Would 1/4 of the bills be fair or does it go more by the income of each partner? I know if it were the other way around, this would not have worked for him, me giving very little and banking thousands each month. I said to get a house together but still is 3 of me and 1 of him.
Oh OP, I started off being so angry with him on your behalf, but now I think I am equally frustrated with you. He is projecting onto you his own motivation. He is with you because you are financially subsidizing his lifestyle. You're struggling to pay bills and support two children all the while putting him in a position to save several hundred thousand dollars. Wake up! Where the hell is your self-respect?? Most important, if you have a daughter, you're teaching her to be a used doormat as well. Are you really OK with that?
Have you noticed that is all these responses, NO ONE has is any way thought your boyfriend's opinion is justified?
Anonymous
08/06/2013 12:53
Subject: What is a fair contribution from Fiance living in my house?
What exactly do you love about him? And will you be ending it over money or will you be ending it over common decency? Dude is living with you rent free and chipping in for utilities when it's convenient for me. Jeez, can I move in with you?Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I can't believe we are on page three of the comments and you are still together. Are you not listening to us?
DUMP HIM NOW!
before we get to page 4.
Lol, but +1
He sounds like a little spoiled brat as a pp said. Get rid of him. Even if he agreed to split bills with you, he would be resentful and bitch about it. What are you getting out of this relationship?
I love him and if I end it over money, then I am exactly what he says "Just with him for what he can do for me" Would 1/4 of the bills be fair or does it go more by the income of each partner? I know if it were the other way around, this would not have worked for him, me giving very little and banking thousands each month. I said to get a house together but still is 3 of me and 1 of him.