Anonymous
Post 01/26/2013 15:01     Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Hadn't thought of that. Is that necessary if my name is the only one on the birth certificate?
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2013 15:01     Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Anonymous wrote:This is so depressing.


This. If true, sad. If a troll post, still sad that someone would post this.
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2013 15:01     Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
fuck the pol-s and fuck his confidentiality agreement. get a friend to leak it
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2013 14:59     Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
But OP what about the confidentiality agreement? Also, what about international travel? You will need papers if you drive to Canada or Mexico, or fly to a number of countries, including these two and perhaps Costa Rica, too. My friend is a widow and she was asked to she her child's father's death certificate at one U.S. border.
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2013 14:39     Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Anonymous wrote:OP has said that the father of this child is a well known politician, he offered her a quarter of a million dollars to abort and she refused. Now this "well known" politician had her sign a confidentiality agreement? If he has given her no money or he offered and she refused then why the agreement. There is no way he could force her to keep confidential the fact that he is the father, she has DNA result proving he is, unless money changed hands. People, use your heads, it is Big Troll. Maybe it's octotroll but no doubt it's a troll!!!!!


OP here. My question didn't have anything to do with money, but with how to explain things to her when she is older, and to get advice from anyone who has been through something similar.
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2013 14:09     Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
I know a woman who had two children with a married man and she told them their father had another family. They saw him here and there, not often. However, he didn't have a high profile position. That's a factor for you. His adult children eventually found out. He and his wife made sure his other two children didn't get a dime when he died. These children are grown, have children of their own. Life worked out for them.
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2013 13:49     Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
OP has said that the father of this child is a well known politician, he offered her a quarter of a million dollars to abort and she refused. Now this "well known" politician had her sign a confidentiality agreement? If he has given her no money or he offered and she refused then why the agreement. There is no way he could force her to keep confidential the fact that he is the father, she has DNA result proving he is, unless money changed hands. People, use your heads, it is Big Troll. Maybe it's octotroll but no doubt it's a troll!!!!!
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2013 09:51     Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?


Double standard. Men have to keep unwanted kids. Women can abort. I think guys should be allowed an "out" too.



Yes, the man's out is to wear a condom and not to sleep with women outside of marriage. Or to make even more sure there are no more kids, he can get snipped.
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2013 09:39     Subject: Re:What to tell child who is product of an affair?
I know lying is bad but does anyone think maybe it would be best for the child to think her dad died? OP- do your parents know? Are they supportive or not helpful? Does the father pay child support? If not, do you want him to? Does the wife know? My father died when I was young and I never felt abandoned. My mother was fantastic and I really never felt a significant void. Single mothers can do it all. Do you have a pretty good career? Best of luck to you. I think it's great that you are thinking about how to best approach this issue. Too bad the father has so little disregard for his own child and can't face, own up/man up to the consequences of his actions.
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2013 06:48     Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
This is so depressing.
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2013 06:35     Subject: Re:What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Down the road start taking your DD with you to therapy so that she'll know she'll have a place to go to when her hurt escalates and she needs to talk about it.
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2013 05:59     Subject: Re:What to tell child who is product of an affair?
You need a lawyer and child support. Also healthcare and paid college for your child from him.

Therapist for you and to help you with how to handle your child's questions- don't wait until you're on the spot.
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2013 00:42     Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
He is not on the birth certificate. We did a prenatal paternity test (it scares me now how risky that was but at the time figured if the test caused me to miscarry that it wasn't meant to be) because he insisted it couldn't be his, so I do have proof that he is the father. He did talk me into signing a confidentiality agreement, though I'm not sure how enforceable that is.

Oh and unfortunately he is a classic narcissist with an ego that can't be matched.
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2013 00:29     Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
PP here. Yes of course he knows I exist. Yes I have met him several times throughout my life. Maybe once every 3 years until I was about 15? I haven't seen him since. Yes it made me feel rejected but I don't think I would have felt LESS rejected than if he had never bothered to meet me at all.

My being a real person didn't change him because he's a narcissistic asshole. I hope yours is different.

My mom told me he was my dad from early on, but not the gory details. But some of those slipped out and that made it worse. He gave me a book that had his daughter's name in it for a gift once and things tumbled out. I was 12 and it devastated me.

Is he on her birth cert? My dad is not. Honestly, be careful with the lies because if she ever catches you lying, forgiveness will be hard.

You need to understand that this is going to devastate her NO MATTER WHAT because having a father that abandons you is devastating. I agree with therapy to make sure you do this in a way that is healthiest. And then make sure she has therapy to help with self esteem and dad issues/rejection issues.
Anonymous
Post 01/25/2013 23:36     Subject: What to tell child who is product of an affair?
Anonymous wrote:You know, I really couldn't read these answers because I am the product of an affair with a fairly high-powered business man (who was much older) and my assumptions are that this gets nasty (and I am tender about it even at 34). Like you, he had a family that he still has. He's pretty media-worthy so unfortunately, I can google stalk him fairly easily.

So I don't actually know what to tell you. My mom told me in bits and pieces as I was growing up, in an age-appropriate manner, and I was devastated and incredibly angry with her for years and years. It made me feel tainted or damaged in some way. I don't know if it had anything to do with the way that she told me or if it was just the simple facts or both.

Ultimately, I think what hurt the most is that my own father didn't want to have anything to do with me. I couldn't ever .. and still can't.. figure out why he would abandon his own daughter. It gave me deep self-esteem issues and I was a serious over-achiever (and still am) because, in part, I think I was trying to be worthy of noticing. I had a lot of dangerous sex trying to fill that gap in college. He still hasn't noticed me, and I've grown up and have a healthy marriage, but I still have trust issues.

But here is what I can say. Get the damn child support. We grew up poor as dirt and my dad is fairly wealthy and that still grates on me. Try and talk him into being a part of her life... even somewhat a part of her life. Just recognize her and make sure she knows that it is NOT because of her. Have a solid answer for why he's not around that attempts to not make her feel like she's lesser than his other family, on whom he DOES spend energy. And for Pete's sake, just really get her some solid male role models who really are solid men who make her feel valued for who she is. And choose her over yourself.

In good news, I call my mom every day. I think the world of her, but I see her flaws clearly. Yes, I am still angry, but I have forgiven her (but not my father). And I am so, so proud of how hard she worked to raise me with love, attention, and a giving spirit. So don't think she'll hate you just because of that. But know she will struggle.


Thank you so much for sharing. I knew I couldn't be the only person in this situation. What you described is exactly what I want to try to prevent from happening. I had(have) low self esteem issues and daddy issues which are probably what led me to fall in love with that kind of person in the first place, and I DON'T want that for my daughter. Did you ever end up meeting your father? Does he know about you? Part of me wants them to meet so he realizes that this child is an actual person; part of me is worried if they met and nothing came of it that she would feel rejected. I have even considered telling her he is dead but that is a pretty big lie to tell and I'm not sure what would cause the most or least pain. When did your mother share your father's identity? Are you glad she did or does that make it harder for you?