Well, this morning I just gave myself my very last Follistim injection and .... I couldn't feel any more relieved. This cycle will either work, or it won't. Either way, I'm done. I've realized that a large part of what has made me so unhappy (and angry and jealous....) over these past few years of TTC is the unending nature of it...not knowing when the "end" would be, what it would look like, or if I would know when it was time to step off the fertility treatment hamster wheel. (One of my regrets is not setting firm boundaries at the beginning of how far and how long we'd be willing to travel down this path).

Whatever life looks like for us after this final IVF cycle, I can tell you, it's got to be better than what it's looked like for the last 3 years.

Thanks PP.

I want my baby. I am ready for this process to be over. And yet, there is the disappointment that what looked good on Wednesday seems to have turned. Maybe it will turn again.

Anonymous wrote:PP, your reaching out to me (the poster before you) means a lot. Today the news was not so good. We were looking good Wednesday, making this all worth it, but today there is a lead (15) and the others haven't Warm fuzzies aside, I just need to know that it's ok to 1) hope 2) accept what comes and 3) do them both at the same time.

Well said.

I'm the poster with the IUI timing that has gone from 22 days of injections to shocking us with 6 days. I can't seem to keep on top of my expectations as things change so quickly and so often. For this cycle I'm just trying to be very very hopeful, much less anxious about my own actions affecting the process (if I want to do an easy jog ... I'm either going to do it and own it or not do it and be at peace with that), and also not dire in my thinking ("if this doesn't work I'm doomed")

Hoping very much things change for you over the weekend but also reminding you that if they don't, you still have avenues to persue.

PP, your reaching out to me (the poster before you) means a lot. Today the news was not so good. We were looking good Wednesday, making this all worth it, but today there is a lead (15) and the others haven't grown. I feel like they mixed up my charts or something, but I was there and they let me see the ultrasounds.

We will up the meds and see over the weekend. The doctor was sympathetic but honest. The look on his face told me that this is not likely to change, but he did smile when he got me to say "we just don't know what will happen over the weekend." Then he said "it was worth keeping you in here 2 extra minutes to get you to that place. I'll see you Monday."

Warm fuzzies aside, I just need to know that it's ok to 1) hope 2) accept what comes and 3) do them both at the same time.

I'm so worn out. I'm glad I've given it my all, but there is no more to give for my own eggs. If my baby is telling me it needs a healthier vehicle to come to me, after this cycle, whatever happens, I'm going to honor that by going to donor egg.

Any warm words are appreciated though. This process SUCKS.

PP, hang in there. You can do it. IVF is like a full-time job (and you have to treat it that way). I tried for 4 years and felt like the doctors treated me like some weird, lunatic experiment. But, today I had to drop off some unused needles at my dr's office. I had walked that walk a hundred times feeling disappointed, sad, sometimes sobbing, but I did it today at 37 weeks pregnant. You can do it!

I'm on my 3rd and last IVF with my own eggs--and the side effects this time are really bringing me down. The headache does seem to have subsided some, but I feel like I have the flu. I think it's the human growth hormone we added, and I'm glad for it, but it's just so hard to keep going. If I could just stay in bed and laze around, I think it would be fine but I'm very busy at work.

I want my baby in my arms, yesterday.

NOT doing IVF.

Hey PP keep your head up. I'm doing IVF (can't afford it) but you are not alone in your struggle.

So here's my vent: I am frustrated and sad about my second, and probably last, IVF cycle. My first cycle was in August and was pretty textbook for my age (39 about to turn 40). I responded to the meds and ended up with two grade A embryos, a pregnancy and a miscarriage in early September. Now I'm cycling again using the same protocol (antagonist, Gonal F plus menopur) but it's not going well. My starting estrogen level was much lower compared to last cycle (I got poor communication about this fact from my RE) and it's barely going up. My RE has not increased my dose, but my nurse tells me I am already on a high dose and for reasons she can't explain, they won't go higher. I have my third monitoring appointment tomorrow, and I'm mentally preparing myself for cancellation.

I'm sick of this process, sick of paying so much money in exchange for so little individual attention, communication and empathy. I'm pissed at my RE for not telling me that my estrogen levels were so much lower at the beginning of this cycle compared to the last cycle; we might not have proceeded if there was a hint that I would not respond to the meds as well this cycle. In addition to wanting a pregnancy, I just yearn for the days of being a "normal" person who didn't constantly think about infertility. My heart goes out to all of us who are on this unpleasant journey. It's no fun.

Yes, you can get a refund or credit going forward. It is around $3,500.00 and IUI was covered by my insurance. We just kept the credit going forward... we did one clomid IUI before starting nc-ivf. We did iui following first cancelation. For the second one we declined the IUI because the stats were so low and I just figured we would try on our own and start again fresh aftre amonth off.

When they convert the cycle to IUI do you get a refund for the price difference or is that just a financial risk you take?

Not during last 90 days. Also took last month off, relaxed and went to beach with husband and dogs for week at beginning of cycle. Did. Still do acupuncture but only 2x entire month

Dominion and easyish...

I had 2 cycles converted to iui for lh surge. One was longer because my follicle took a while to emerge. Am monitoring appts for bloodwork and sono starting day3, 6 or 7, and whatever other days they want you. Still take baby aspirin daily. For this cycle I did modified so on day 9 or 10 have took it up took menopur and ganrilex shot. Did this 4 days, trigger with pregnal, er, transfer. Easy by ivf standards! Now taking estradiol 2x day and progesterone 2x per day. Also did acupuncture and changed diet slightly on advice of chinese doctor. Added a bit of lamb or beef ... he wanted it daily but ended up eating red meat 1 per week, more when I could pick piece of husbands plate. He also had me eating egg with yolk daily. I usually just had whites so this was change for me. I have daily smoothies with wheat grass and bee pollen for last year or so. More for general health but helps with fertility. I did take chinese herbs but during the last 90 days.

What clinic are you with? How has the NCIVF process been?

Ok, ill bite. I am 4 days post 6 day transfer of hatching blastocyst from modified nc ivf. I am feeling barfy... not sure if its nerves or something good. Had teeny tiny smidge of red 1.5 days post transfer amd cramping on and off. Haven't worked out in a week. Thinking about kickboxing tonight but taking it easy. Just want to get my heart rate up and sweat a bit. Didn't really plan to be so inactive, have been walking and puttering around house, but with the transfer and a pulled muscle in shoulder guess I needed it. Test isn't until 16th. Probably won't POS because trying to leave it up to the universe. Have a lot of work to and no motivation. Pretty sure this might be one of my last good eggs. DOR age 39. Sigh. Waiting sucks.