Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 16:39     Subject: Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I had a similar experience. My sister was NEVER nasty or abusive to her boyfriend's daughter but she admitted that she did not like the child. Some details are different --the child was young (birth-2 yo), she was born from the boyfriend's cheating, and my sister ended up not marrying the child's father. The issue that IS similar is her negative feelings that she had for the child. My sister said she was reading books and talking to a counselor about it.

I wonder if your sister does know deep down inside that she doesn't like her step daughter. I would pull her aside after she is abusive and tell her what the step daughter looked like/was feeling. If you can get her to admit her negativity than you can tell her to get professional help. Ask her if she would let her child be treated like that by someone.


OP here. Thanks for your comment. Your sister handled her situation much better than mine, obviously. My sister and I have indeed talked about her treatment of her step-daughter. The talks always go the same way: I point out my sister's harshness, or try to show her that the girl is just a child, and my sister launches into a huge lecture about how I have no idea what I am talking about, I have no idea what she (the daughter) is really like, that she's different when people aren't there, that she lies, etc. And then she spends an hour or more giving me examples of the child's "badness" (and I have no idea how true any of the examples are). This all may be true, but I still maintain that the kid is just acting like a kid - but when I say that to my sister, she just argues harder. Then she will go for a few weeks without talking to me, and then slowly she'll begin to talk more and more to me (but she will avoid the topic of the daughter for weeks or months afterward). Then, after a few months have passed, she'll start complaining about the daughter again when we talk. My sister is a very, very convincing arguer. She works in sales, and is an expert at "selling" her argument, twisting and modifying things, etc. It is very, very hard to have a rational discussion with her about this issue. She will not admit wrong-doing, and she will wear the other person down with her relentless arguing, "proof," etc. She is very good with words, and it is exhausting.

At the same time, she does a lot for the child, in terms of other forms of care-giving -- she has even done things that are so loving and thoughtful that it really surprises me. So, she's not all bad; I am NOT, however, trying to excuse her bad behaviors. I am just pointing out that the solutions are not easy and obvious to me, being here in this situation.


I don't care what the girl does, she definitely does NOT deserve to be on the receiving end of verbal and emotional abuse. Don't let your sister use discipline as an excuse for her shitty behavior.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 16:35     Subject: Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother
People here tend to think if you "do something" it will necessarily change the situation for the better. It is not so. The main elements of this story are unlikely to change for the foreseeable future. 1) the sister will hate her step-daughter 2) the father (husband) will defer to his wife. The only relationship re: stepdaughter that OP can control is her won. But the best aunt, OP, and don't try to fix what you can't possibly fix.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 15:34     Subject: Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother
I haven't gone through this entire thread but you people are kidding yourselves if you think CPS would investigate this. CPS is dealing with families with REAL abuse- kids coming to school with cigarette burns, weeping wounds from being beaten with electrical cords. Do I think this woman has any right to tell her stepdaughter she's stupid? No. Is CPS going to get involved? HELL no.

OP, the best you can do is just call your sister out. Ask her does it make her feel good to be mean to a little girl. Ask her would she be happier if she were no longer married to her husband and had no relationship with the little girl. The dad's a pussy. I'm a stepmom and can't imagine for one SECOND my husband staying with me if I talked to my stepchild like this. My ass would be on the curb so fast, and rightfully so. If her stepdaughter makes her so miserable she can't be a good parent, stepparent, or wife, she needs to leave.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:50     Subject: Re:Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother
OP here. Thank you, PP. And thank you, 13:46 and 14:12.

Hey, what about me (14:30)?
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:49     Subject: Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother
Sorry to hijack this thread, but I was just reading the post from 14:43 about child abuse, and reporting, and I wonder -- if you knew parents who yelled at their kids all the time, and spanked them, would you make a call to report child abuse? I mean, those things constitute child abuse, don't they?
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:45     Subject: Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have called the therapist (left a message).
I just want to say that it has not been easy to know how to deal with this situation, and I appreciate the comments (the constructive ones) because it helps to get an outside perspective.


I am proud of you OP. Stay strong for that child. I saw a couple of things online that might help: "The best place to call if you suspect child abuse is the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child (1-800-442-4453)."

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm

Reporting child abuse and neglect
If you suspect a child is being abused, it’s critical to get them the help he or she needs. Reporting child abuse seems so official. Many people are reluctant to get involved in other families’ lives.

Understanding some of the myths behind reporting may help put your mind at ease if you need to report child abuse

I don’t want to interfere in someone else’s family. The effects of child abuse are lifelong, affecting future relationships, self-esteem, and sadly putting even more children at risk of abuse as the cycle continues. Help break the cycle of child abuse.
What if I break up someone’s home? The priority in child protective services is keeping children in the home. A child abuse report does not mean a child is automatically removed from the home - unless the child is clearly in danger. Support such as parenting classes, anger management or other resources may be offered first to parents if safe for the child.
They will know it was me who called. Reporting is anonymous. In most states, you do not have to give your name when you report child abuse. The child abuser cannot find out who made the report of child abuse.
It won’t make a difference what I have to say. If you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, it is better to be safe than sorry. Even if you don’t see the whole picture, others may have noticed as well, and a pattern can help identify child abuse that might have otherwise slipped through the cracks.
Next steps...

Reporting child abuse. As difficult as reporting child abuse or neglect can be, it’s important for you to stand up for a child in need. Learn how to communicate effectively in different situations. Read: Child Abuse Reporting Tips





OP here. Thank you, PP. And thank you, 13:46 and 14:12.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:43     Subject: Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have called the therapist (left a message).
I just want to say that it has not been easy to know how to deal with this situation, and I appreciate the comments (the constructive ones) because it helps to get an outside perspective.


I am proud of you OP. Stay strong for that child. I saw a couple of things online that might help: "The best place to call if you suspect child abuse is the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child (1-800-442-4453)."

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm

Reporting child abuse and neglect
If you suspect a child is being abused, it’s critical to get them the help he or she needs. Reporting child abuse seems so official. Many people are reluctant to get involved in other families’ lives.

Understanding some of the myths behind reporting may help put your mind at ease if you need to report child abuse

I don’t want to interfere in someone else’s family. The effects of child abuse are lifelong, affecting future relationships, self-esteem, and sadly putting even more children at risk of abuse as the cycle continues. Help break the cycle of child abuse.
What if I break up someone’s home? The priority in child protective services is keeping children in the home. A child abuse report does not mean a child is automatically removed from the home - unless the child is clearly in danger. Support such as parenting classes, anger management or other resources may be offered first to parents if safe for the child.
They will know it was me who called. Reporting is anonymous. In most states, you do not have to give your name when you report child abuse. The child abuser cannot find out who made the report of child abuse.
It won’t make a difference what I have to say. If you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, it is better to be safe than sorry. Even if you don’t see the whole picture, others may have noticed as well, and a pattern can help identify child abuse that might have otherwise slipped through the cracks.
Next steps...

Reporting child abuse. As difficult as reporting child abuse or neglect can be, it’s important for you to stand up for a child in need. Learn how to communicate effectively in different situations. Read: Child Abuse Reporting Tips



Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:41     Subject: Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother
Anonymous wrote:I had a similar experience. My sister was NEVER nasty or abusive to her boyfriend's daughter but she admitted that she did not like the child. Some details are different --the child was young (birth-2 yo), she was born from the boyfriend's cheating, and my sister ended up not marrying the child's father. The issue that IS similar is her negative feelings that she had for the child. My sister said she was reading books and talking to a counselor about it.

I wonder if your sister does know deep down inside that she doesn't like her step daughter. I would pull her aside after she is abusive and tell her what the step daughter looked like/was feeling. If you can get her to admit her negativity than you can tell her to get professional help. Ask her if she would let her child be treated like that by someone.


OP here. Thanks for your comment. Your sister handled her situation much better than mine, obviously. My sister and I have indeed talked about her treatment of her step-daughter. The talks always go the same way: I point out my sister's harshness, or try to show her that the girl is just a child, and my sister launches into a huge lecture about how I have no idea what I am talking about, I have no idea what she (the daughter) is really like, that she's different when people aren't there, that she lies, etc. And then she spends an hour or more giving me examples of the child's "badness" (and I have no idea how true any of the examples are). This all may be true, but I still maintain that the kid is just acting like a kid - but when I say that to my sister, she just argues harder. Then she will go for a few weeks without talking to me, and then slowly she'll begin to talk more and more to me (but she will avoid the topic of the daughter for weeks or months afterward). Then, after a few months have passed, she'll start complaining about the daughter again when we talk. My sister is a very, very convincing arguer. She works in sales, and is an expert at "selling" her argument, twisting and modifying things, etc. It is very, very hard to have a rational discussion with her about this issue. She will not admit wrong-doing, and she will wear the other person down with her relentless arguing, "proof," etc. She is very good with words, and it is exhausting.

At the same time, she does a lot for the child, in terms of other forms of care-giving -- she has even done things that are so loving and thoughtful that it really surprises me. So, she's not all bad; I am NOT, however, trying to excuse her bad behaviors. I am just pointing out that the solutions are not easy and obvious to me, being here in this situation.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:30     Subject: Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Good for you OP.


Please. She's still taking the path of least resistance.


It's a very good first step. And it's likely not the last.

I wish you the best, OP!


Why do you say that? OP says that this has been troubling her for years, yet has never done anything about it. Even now, when she can be spurred to take some - any - action, it's the non-confrontational "call someone else and let them deal with it" kind. What happens when things don't change? Do you really think that the OP will be motivated to actually confront her sister? I hope you're right, but I see nothing to even suggest you are. Which makes mew both really sad and really angry.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:26     Subject: Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother
I had a similar experience. My sister was NEVER nasty or abusive to her boyfriend's daughter but she admitted that she did not like the child. Some details are different --the child was young (birth-2 yo), she was born from the boyfriend's cheating, and my sister ended up not marrying the child's father. The issue that IS similar is her negative feelings that she had for the child. My sister said she was reading books and talking to a counselor about it.

I wonder if your sister does know deep down inside that she doesn't like her step daughter. I would pull her aside after she is abusive and tell her what the step daughter looked like/was feeling. If you can get her to admit her negativity than you can tell her to get professional help. Ask her if she would let her child be treated like that by someone.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:12     Subject: Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Good for you OP.


Please. She's still taking the path of least resistance.


It's a very good first step. And it's likely not the last.

I wish you the best, OP!
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:06     Subject: Re:Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother
14:04 here again, someone has to be an advocate for this child. Someone has to make this child feel like they are worth fighting for. What this stepmother is doing is going to have longterm repercussions for this child.

And by the way, we only know the horrible behavior from when she's in a social setting. How do you think she behaves when there's no one watching?
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 14:04     Subject: Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother
Anonymous wrote:To all you indignant people loudly proclaiming that she should stand up to her sister - you do realize that the only results of this will be that 1), the sister probably comes down harder on the daughter in the future, and 2) the OP will probably be cut off by her sister, either wholly or in part, and then the daughter really has no one? You do realize that the OP standing up to the sister isn't going to change the sister, right? Op's best bet is to go through the psychiatrist.


But if she and her family have the courage to stand up and fight for this child, than maybe the girl's father will wise up and realize the behavior is unacceptable and he has to make a decision: go to family therapy or leave the BITCH.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 13:59     Subject: Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother
I don't think people understand that CPS does not hear info wave a magic want and make it better. They need all info possible to determine if the child needs to be removed from the home, or if counseling needs to be required, etc. The therapist cannot answer specific questions CPS investigators may have if she did not see the acts herself. It's cowardly to anonymously call anyone and say you suspect something. Give your name so they can get all the info they need from you. Think about it. People could run around making false accusations anonymously. Yes, you are allowed to make an anonymous report, but they are not mind readers. They could go to the home and everyone might deny it and without enough info their hands are tied.
Anonymous
Post 09/14/2012 13:54     Subject: Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would send the child's mother an anonymous letter describing what you've seen. Minding your own business in this situation would be morally bankrupt. Can't believe people are advising that.


Totally disagree. You don't know the whole story. Sending the mom a letter will ignite a fire you don't want to set off. Someone suggested calling the girls therapist. The therapist is a mandatory reporter for info that comes directly from the child about abuse. For all the therapist knows you are just someone trying to start drama. Most therapists would hear the allegations and tell you to report it yourself since you witnessed it. They can call CPS and report 2nd hand info, but there's not a lot you can do with info from someone who did not hear it from the victim or witness it.

I posted before about giving your sister the benefit of the doubt and just saying something like "It seems like she stresses you out a lot." See what your sister says about it. Maybe she will confess step daughter brings out the worst in her and why. Regardless, strongly suggest family therapy with a family therapist who is an expert with regard to stepfamily dynamics. My husband's stepmom was verbally abusive and it was horrible. At the same time, they did provoke her and do passive aggressive things to set her off. She was hated from the 2nd they met her and there was no affair. She met the dad when he was separated. They really needed a skilled family therapist to help develop a better dynamic. This is more complicated than you think.

It is not 2nd hand THE OP has witnessed the verbal abuse....
so it isnot a just a matter of reporting to CPS...it is a matter of the therapist having the info and dealing iwth it...even if just asking the girl about the dynamics of the household...sheesh.


Therapist must have witnessed it herself or himself for it to be 1st hand info. Therapist cannot even admit to OP that the alledged victim is her client. These claims to CPS gets investigated and they would need to interview OP as part of the investigation, otherwise they would not have enough 1st-hand info. They could interview the child too as part of the investigation, but if you set into motion this level of chaos and won't come forward and answer CPS's questions about what you witnessed you are causing a lot of damage and risking not even helping the child.