Anonymous
08/16/2013 15:26
Subject: Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement
Anonymous wrote:OP:
The following is spot-on...to the author: You are insightful and right!!
You are allowed to eat candy. It's okay, it really is.
You are allowed to put the milk wherever you want in the refrigerator.
You are allowed to cut the bread wherever you feel like cutting the bread.
You are allowed to wear whatever dress you like to wear.
You are allowed to keep whatever gifts you like and display them.
If your husband sees crumbs, he should sweep them up.
You are allowed to skip washing the sink whenever you have other things to do.
You are no more flawed than any other normal, decent person.
Your husband is a control freak and is emotionally abusing you. He is torturing you in hundreds of small ways every day. He fails to see that you are not an extension of him. He does not recognize that you are a fully sentient, independent human being who has as much right to be comfortable in her own home as he does.
It will NOT get better unless he recognizes that he is being abusive. Read books on emotional abuse -- I think there's one called the Emotionally Abusive Partner, something like that, that is really helpful in recognizing this pattern. But seriously, this is ALL HIM.
My husband and I both have our quirky irrational preferences for how we like things to be, and we try to accommodate each other's. But we both recognize them as quirky and irrational, and when our partner does not conform to them, we laugh or shrug it off -- we appreciate when we do conform to each other's, but we don't have expectations that we always will.
Your husband, on the other hand, believes that his irrational quirks are not only RULES ("house rules"?!?!?!) that must be followed, but that you have moral flaws if you do not follow them. Fuck that. They are irrational preferences, and you are not flawed if you don't follow them all the time. He is deeply flawed not only by expecting you to but by abusing you for not doing it.
Please, get help for yourself. I recommend the Women's Center in Vienna.
Anonymous
08/16/2013 15:17
Subject: Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement
I understand what you're experiencing. I went through the same, at the cost of self esteem and general enthusiasm for him and life. I was constantly on edge. I got tired of trying to manage his criticisms and faulting. I went to therapy and realized I was allowing the behavior by accepting it. I had a part in the situation all along. I grew to resent him, and myself for managing him to keep the leaves. I learned he was abusive, selfish and it was about power and control. I learned no longer wanted to live like that, and I was justifying his behavior to avoid change. There was something in it for me: I got to complain to avpid taking redponsibility for situation, avoid change and act victimized. I learned what resists persists and what someone won't acknowledge, they won't change. I learned his defensiveness when I tried to assert myself was a telltale sign he was unwilling to acknowledge my feelings and consider me. I learned it was no longer good enough for me. I was allowing him to take me for granted by staying, and I gave him plenty of information that his behavior, if it continued, was a deal breaker for me. I felt I needed to preserved dignity after gaining weight from overeating from anxiety in his presence and get healthy, mentally and physically, by getting out. It was very difficult. I felt resentful, rejected, sad and scared to leave. But I did. Afterwsrds, I lost 50 pounds, gained back my confidence and self self respect, and my level of standards. I found a man who respected his woman and understands, if he wants to be happy, "even when were wrong, were right" and " you can be right, or you can be in a relationship". He is always a little on edge about whether or not he can keep me and I spoil him rotten with appreciation and being the woman he can loft himself up to.
I wish you luck. I think your man is abudive, combative and resistant to change because there are no consequences to his unacceptable behavior toward you. You deserve better. If you're willing to accept you have been a willing partner in his blatant disrespect of you, and that you have the power to change your circumstance, you too can have a better quality of life. VALUE YOURSELF. You seem like a highly considerate and compassionate woman and you deserve better.
I wish you luck. I think your man is abudive, combative and resistant to change because there are no consequences to his unacceptable behavior toward you. You deserve better. If you're willing to accept you have been a willing partner in his blatant disrespect of you, and that you have the power to change your circumstance, you too can have a better quality of life. VALUE YOURSELF. You seem like a highly considerate and compassionate woman and you deserve better.
Anonymous
02/12/2013 15:15
Subject: Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Let me explain things from the other point of view. My husband is very disorganized, very messy, very forgetful. It is very difficult to live with. Life is very unpredictable, which, in turn, can make me seem like I'm 'micromanaging'. However, I have to be sure my kids get picked up from the bus stop if he says he's doing it that day, that whatever is needed for school gets there, that one or both dogs have not been left outside, even though he only takes them out for five minutes, supervised. I have to ensure the cats are not locked up somewhere by accident. We've had thousands of dollars in vet bills because he leaves something somewhere and the dogs get into it.
I do love him, but this I do not love. It's hard to live with. He's definitely ADD per marriage counselor/psychologist and unmedicated. Will never medicate. So he's going to simply be hard to live with and I will be the b*tch who micromanages.
Those of you who's husband's micromanage admit to being chronically late, leaving dirty things around, etc. There's probably more to it then just that. Take a look inward and ask yourselves how difficult YOU are to live with as well.
Look at the list of his demands in the first post -- what she wears, where she places things, IN WHAT ORDER SHE TOUCHES KEYS ON THE KEYBOARD. She does not have ADD. She has a husband who is a crazy, irrational control freak.
I think PP is responding to the new OP - from Feb 10, 2013. Differnent level of control.
Anonymous
02/12/2013 15:07
Subject: Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement
OP, I read you berating yourself for raising your voice to your husband, for losing your temper when you defend yourself. That does not mean you are ABUSIVE.
It is very possible for a verbally abusive, emotionally abusive person to speak in a soft tone the entire time. Volume does not equal abuse. Control, emotional manipulation, punishment, berating - those are abusive.
Your defense of yourself shows that you still have some instincts for self-preservation and self-respect left. Do not let him beat those out of you. 5 more years and you might not be fighting back any more.
Get help for yourself now. Please.
It is very possible for a verbally abusive, emotionally abusive person to speak in a soft tone the entire time. Volume does not equal abuse. Control, emotional manipulation, punishment, berating - those are abusive.
Your defense of yourself shows that you still have some instincts for self-preservation and self-respect left. Do not let him beat those out of you. 5 more years and you might not be fighting back any more.
Get help for yourself now. Please.
Anonymous
02/12/2013 07:43
Subject: Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement
Anonymous wrote:Let me explain things from the other point of view. My husband is very disorganized, very messy, very forgetful. It is very difficult to live with. Life is very unpredictable, which, in turn, can make me seem like I'm 'micromanaging'. However, I have to be sure my kids get picked up from the bus stop if he says he's doing it that day, that whatever is needed for school gets there, that one or both dogs have not been left outside, even though he only takes them out for five minutes, supervised. I have to ensure the cats are not locked up somewhere by accident. We've had thousands of dollars in vet bills because he leaves something somewhere and the dogs get into it.
I do love him, but this I do not love. It's hard to live with. He's definitely ADD per marriage counselor/psychologist and unmedicated. Will never medicate. So he's going to simply be hard to live with and I will be the b*tch who micromanages.
Those of you who's husband's micromanage admit to being chronically late, leaving dirty things around, etc. There's probably more to it then just that. Take a look inward and ask yourselves how difficult YOU are to live with as well.
Look at the list of his demands in the first post -- what she wears, where she places things, IN WHAT ORDER SHE TOUCHES KEYS ON THE KEYBOARD. She does not have ADD. She has a husband who is a crazy, irrational control freak.
Anonymous
02/12/2013 07:42
Subject: Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement
OP:
You are allowed to eat candy. It's okay, it really is.
You are allowed to put the milk wherever you want in the refrigerator.
You are allowed to cut the bread wherever you feel like cutting the bread.
You are allowed to wear whatever dress you like to wear.
You are allowed to keep whatever gifts you like and display them.
If your husband sees crumbs, he should sweep them up.
You are allowed to skip washing the sink whenever you have other things to do.
You are no more flawed than any other normal, decent person.
Your husband is a control freak and is emotionally abusing you. He is torturing you in hundreds of small ways every day. He fails to see that you are not an extension of him. He does not recognize that you are a fully sentient, independent human being who has as much right to be comfortable in her own home as he does.
It will NOT get better unless he recognizes that he is being abusive. Read books on emotional abuse -- I think there's one called the Emotionally Abusive Partner, something like that, that is really helpful in recognizing this pattern. But seriously, this is ALL HIM.
My husband and I both have our quirky irrational preferences for how we like things to be, and we try to accommodate each other's. But we both recognize them as quirky and irrational, and when our partner does not conform to them, we laugh or shrug it off -- we appreciate when we do conform to each other's, but we don't have expectations that we always will.
Your husband, on the other hand, believes that his irrational quirks are not only RULES ("house rules"?!?!?!) that must be followed, but that you have moral flaws if you do not follow them. Fuck that. They are irrational preferences, and you are not flawed if you don't follow them all the time. He is deeply flawed not only by expecting you to but by abusing you for not doing it.
Please, get help for yourself. I recommend the Women's Center in Vienna.
You are allowed to eat candy. It's okay, it really is.
You are allowed to put the milk wherever you want in the refrigerator.
You are allowed to cut the bread wherever you feel like cutting the bread.
You are allowed to wear whatever dress you like to wear.
You are allowed to keep whatever gifts you like and display them.
If your husband sees crumbs, he should sweep them up.
You are allowed to skip washing the sink whenever you have other things to do.
You are no more flawed than any other normal, decent person.
Your husband is a control freak and is emotionally abusing you. He is torturing you in hundreds of small ways every day. He fails to see that you are not an extension of him. He does not recognize that you are a fully sentient, independent human being who has as much right to be comfortable in her own home as he does.
It will NOT get better unless he recognizes that he is being abusive. Read books on emotional abuse -- I think there's one called the Emotionally Abusive Partner, something like that, that is really helpful in recognizing this pattern. But seriously, this is ALL HIM.
My husband and I both have our quirky irrational preferences for how we like things to be, and we try to accommodate each other's. But we both recognize them as quirky and irrational, and when our partner does not conform to them, we laugh or shrug it off -- we appreciate when we do conform to each other's, but we don't have expectations that we always will.
Your husband, on the other hand, believes that his irrational quirks are not only RULES ("house rules"?!?!?!) that must be followed, but that you have moral flaws if you do not follow them. Fuck that. They are irrational preferences, and you are not flawed if you don't follow them all the time. He is deeply flawed not only by expecting you to but by abusing you for not doing it.
Please, get help for yourself. I recommend the Women's Center in Vienna.
Anonymous
02/11/2013 07:13
Subject: Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement
Let me explain things from the other point of view. My husband is very disorganized, very messy, very forgetful. It is very difficult to live with. Life is very unpredictable, which, in turn, can make me seem like I'm 'micromanaging'. However, I have to be sure my kids get picked up from the bus stop if he says he's doing it that day, that whatever is needed for school gets there, that one or both dogs have not been left outside, even though he only takes them out for five minutes, supervised. I have to ensure the cats are not locked up somewhere by accident. We've had thousands of dollars in vet bills because he leaves something somewhere and the dogs get into it.
I do love him, but this I do not love. It's hard to live with. He's definitely ADD per marriage counselor/psychologist and unmedicated. Will never medicate. So he's going to simply be hard to live with and I will be the b*tch who micromanages.
Those of you who's husband's micromanage admit to being chronically late, leaving dirty things around, etc. There's probably more to it then just that. Take a look inward and ask yourselves how difficult YOU are to live with as well.
I do love him, but this I do not love. It's hard to live with. He's definitely ADD per marriage counselor/psychologist and unmedicated. Will never medicate. So he's going to simply be hard to live with and I will be the b*tch who micromanages.
Those of you who's husband's micromanage admit to being chronically late, leaving dirty things around, etc. There's probably more to it then just that. Take a look inward and ask yourselves how difficult YOU are to live with as well.
Anonymous
02/09/2013 16:35
Subject: Re:Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement
I too am married to such a man and have been for twenty three years. I never really paid much attention to this personality of his until the last 4 or five years. It was there but I have always been a very strong woman and just did what I wanted and how I wanted. But looking back at how our life has been, it became very obvious that his personality lent itself towards our three sons. Now that our sons have grown and left the house all his energy seems to be focused on me . I have my own business and he asks me almost everyday what my day looks like. Then proceeds to tell me how I should plan my day out such as "Maybe you should plan on getting to your shop soon so that you have everything ready for your clients". In the beginning of this I would just laugh it off and tell him to go micromanage his own business. But after hearing it over and over it gets old to the point where I would get mad at him for feeling that he needs to tell me how to run my business ( I OWN A BEAUTY SALON something he knows nothing about.) And it just goes on from there. I am a freespirit who has a hard time thinking that his way of trying to control everything in life is ok, because it is not. I feel that everyone is an individual and has a mind and spirit and soul all their own, that should be loved and nurtured. My husband and I have had so many fights and arguements, and all of these have been brought on by his negative manifestations of something that to me means nothing. Basically I look at everything in life with the glass three quarters full. He looks at everything as half empty. It gets really, really tiresome constantly been told what time to do this or that. He too gets upset if I leave a used napkin or paper towel on the kitchen counter , or a dirty bowl or dish in the sink instead of rinsing it right away and putting it in the dishwasher. No I am not a good housekeeper and never have been, but my home is not filthy it just isn't as meticulous as he would like. I am rarely on time for anything even with my best intention, for whatever reason it happens. I am a forgetful and not well organized person. These are all personality traits of ME. I am also extremely loving and patient and tend to overlook the faults of others and take life as it comes. I have told my husband that I he looks for something to be wrong and if he didn't, we would never have anything to argue about. Throughout our marraige he has brought up the divorce word so many times too many to count, but I feel it is another control thing for him. I have always felt like we should get psycological help and I am sure that someday we will. I completly understand the how you feel becuase this type of husband is this way about everything. If I grow a garden he rides me about how often I should be weeding it .(I have grown a garden all my life and I am nine years older than him.) Any project or thing that I decide to do he always seems to feel the need to micromanage it. So I have found myself not sharing every aspect of my goings on with him because I don't want to hear what he MIGHT say or think about it. This makes me sad. He has become so negative about everything and the only time he is truly happy is when I meet all his demands and really follow through with all he desires. Of course this doesn't last long because no one should have to work that hard to receive the love and affection they desire from someone who should love them unconditionally. So then he too will walk around like He is sad and unhappy and this just make me sick so then I am offended by this and get mad. I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to get in my car and just drive off and never come back. But then I stop and think to myself ....He isn't a drunk, or a drugaddict. He is not a womanizer or someone that ever goes to bars. He is'nt a wifebeater and he doesn't scream or yell at me. But how do I deal with this because I can't go though the rest of my life with someone that is critical and controlling and can make me feel bad without even raising his voice. I feel like I am always being forced to fight for me, to hold on an not allow him to break my spirit. It is hard to live with a man like this but there is another side of him that is very loving and I know that he loves me more than anything. I personally think he feels he has to have control of everything because he fears something. bad will happen. He often calls me at work checking on me. Thats why I think all of this is because he is insecure but it make him a big pain in my ass.
Anonymous
09/15/2012 13:35
Subject: Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement
OCPD for sure. It's different than OCD.
Anonymous
09/15/2012 08:17
Subject: Re:Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement
Your marriage is not going to work out regardless of therapy . His personality will always navigate to its true self. Start thinking of an exiting strategy before it becomes a hateful situation. Network for yourself to gain new friends and contacts. Stand up for yourself. If he tires you out, tell him you don't like being harassed. Let's talk about it later. Tell him to keep his micro-management tactics at work, or maybe he needs to get a management job. I was in a marriage like this, I am so happy married to someone with a better attitude.
Anonymous
09/06/2012 16:40
Subject: Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement
Waaay too much diagnosis by non-clinicians going on here, especially the NPD one.
OP. You have to go to counseling. Do not bullshit. If it's hard to do, take one step a day until you have an appointment, and then move heaven and earth to get to the appointment. Check with your insurance, get a provider list, and make a few calls. If you don't have insurance, call 211 and find a nonprofit clinic.
There are therapists everywhere, perhaps even within walking distance. You do not need the ideal person to get started, just someone to support you while you figure out next steps.
Start this tomorrow morning, as soon as he leaves. Do it. One foot in front of the other. This is NOT going to get better on its own.
OP. You have to go to counseling. Do not bullshit. If it's hard to do, take one step a day until you have an appointment, and then move heaven and earth to get to the appointment. Check with your insurance, get a provider list, and make a few calls. If you don't have insurance, call 211 and find a nonprofit clinic.
There are therapists everywhere, perhaps even within walking distance. You do not need the ideal person to get started, just someone to support you while you figure out next steps.
Start this tomorrow morning, as soon as he leaves. Do it. One foot in front of the other. This is NOT going to get better on its own.
Anonymous
09/06/2012 13:29
Subject: Re:Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement
OP, please find a job and look for childcare for your baby. Your husband does not see you as an equal, and part of it is that you are a SAHM. (I am not bashing SAHMs but in this tough dynamic, not only might it help her get some ground to stand on, but if things don't work out with her DH, then she has options.)
Look, part of this is general living together dynamics. OP if you've had a hard day and DH comes home and looks at the full sink and has the NERVE to say something, I'd look at him and go, 'We've had a tough day. Either you can do it if it's that important, or I'll do it later if you'll watch the baby.' For these types of things (the pots, for example), it's a negotiating thing...you'll have to bring it to the level of 'Let's hash this out as equals' rather than giving into your emotions. Which many times, means abandoning your current conversation, thinking about it, and coming back later. But you do need to negotiate and demand that he meets you halfway. And tell him, 'When you walk in, I want you to go to the baby and say hi. Do not go into the kitchen and get yourself worked up about the dishes.' Because for some reason, it's really easy to do (I have done that sort of thing to DH occasionally). You can even say, 'Oh, it's nice to see YOU TOO, honey! How was YOUR day?'
If he dares make a comment about what you eat or wear, I'd look him in the eye and say: 'You don't get an opinion on what I eat/what I wear. Sorry!'
And the subtle sighing over junk food...I'd be sarcastic if he persisted. 'Oh, one pint isn't enough? You want me to buy TWO? Because you know my goal in life is to be a fat wife.'
You need to create a backbone and don't LET him control you like he organizes his socks. But you will need to work with him because clearly you have differing opinions on 'stuff', cleanliness, etc.
Look, part of this is general living together dynamics. OP if you've had a hard day and DH comes home and looks at the full sink and has the NERVE to say something, I'd look at him and go, 'We've had a tough day. Either you can do it if it's that important, or I'll do it later if you'll watch the baby.' For these types of things (the pots, for example), it's a negotiating thing...you'll have to bring it to the level of 'Let's hash this out as equals' rather than giving into your emotions. Which many times, means abandoning your current conversation, thinking about it, and coming back later. But you do need to negotiate and demand that he meets you halfway. And tell him, 'When you walk in, I want you to go to the baby and say hi. Do not go into the kitchen and get yourself worked up about the dishes.' Because for some reason, it's really easy to do (I have done that sort of thing to DH occasionally). You can even say, 'Oh, it's nice to see YOU TOO, honey! How was YOUR day?'
If he dares make a comment about what you eat or wear, I'd look him in the eye and say: 'You don't get an opinion on what I eat/what I wear. Sorry!'
And the subtle sighing over junk food...I'd be sarcastic if he persisted. 'Oh, one pint isn't enough? You want me to buy TWO? Because you know my goal in life is to be a fat wife.'
You need to create a backbone and don't LET him control you like he organizes his socks. But you will need to work with him because clearly you have differing opinions on 'stuff', cleanliness, etc.
Anonymous
09/06/2012 12:45
Subject: Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If this was a man writing about his wife micromanaging him, she would be seen as a wonderful woman trying to maintain a sense of order and to keep junk out of the house and to do what she has to do to keep the house running. She would be lauded as a hero who has to put up with this husband who can't even manage simple house rules that serve to keep the house and family clean and organized and he would be degraded, called names and laughed at for being such a bad husband.
I am a woman and I agree with you. OP is only giving her version--I agree that DH is being heavy handed. Those counseling her to leave are one dimensional and simplistic. Marriage is a little more complicated than "just leave". What we may not be getting an accurate picture of is how much of a train wreck OP is. DH is definitely over-controlling--but he may be over reacting to OP's slovenly ways--and now this has just become their"dynamic". It can be very difficult to break out of this dynamic--but presumably you married DH because you love some aspect of this about him...he takes care of things, right? But in response you may have become more child-like. And so it goes. This can be fixed, with or without meds, but you'll need to motivate your spouse by doing something dramatic and then really demanding that he go with you to about 6 therapy sessions. Can you afford to take your baby and leave for a hotel for 1-2 nights? Ask him firmly to go to therapy and set up the appointment if he agrees. If he doesn't agree, at a time when he is not in the home to confront you, leave without a word for a couple of days. Police may be called to come to the house when you disappear. Do not panic. It is NOT illegal for you to leave your spouse and take the kid for a few days to cool your jets. But in HIS panic to call the police he may realize just how close he has come to losing you. Having a 6 foot + tall homicide detective in his living room will fix his wagon, for sure.
Read her follow up post. Nothing in there has anything to do with the house or her slovenly ways. And seriously, suggesting that she scare the crap out of him to the point where he feels the need to call the police because, gee, having a homicide detective in the house will turn him around??? You're crazy.
I'm not crazy. But you are if that is all you got out of my post.
That's not all I got out of your crazy post. I could go on and on about how batshit crazy it is. I chose to stop.
Anonymous
09/06/2012 12:24
Subject: Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement
OP, take the baby with you to therapy. Any good therapist will allow this. Many of their patients are moms or new moms and there's no other choice. Call and ask if you can bring the baby.
You need a therapist to give you the confidence that you are not the crazy one. The you need a strategy - either a coping strategy or a leaving strategy.
What I would do: If the bread crumbs upset you, feel free to clean them. You can cut bread where you want. If you don't like the hook, move it yourself.
Is there a room in your residence which you can have to yourself?
And finally, the info about how nice he can be - TO OTHERS - reminds me of my ex. He will kill himself for someone when he wants their love, wants their approval, wants their friendship. But YOU are taken for granted. "What are you going to do? Divorce me? Yeah right. " And you are in a compromised position as far as the power dynamics. As a stay at home mom with a baby you are totally dependent on him. And he knows it.
You need a therapist to give you the confidence that you are not the crazy one. The you need a strategy - either a coping strategy or a leaving strategy.
What I would do: If the bread crumbs upset you, feel free to clean them. You can cut bread where you want. If you don't like the hook, move it yourself.
Is there a room in your residence which you can have to yourself?
And finally, the info about how nice he can be - TO OTHERS - reminds me of my ex. He will kill himself for someone when he wants their love, wants their approval, wants their friendship. But YOU are taken for granted. "What are you going to do? Divorce me? Yeah right. " And you are in a compromised position as far as the power dynamics. As a stay at home mom with a baby you are totally dependent on him. And he knows it.
Anonymous
09/06/2012 11:55
Subject: Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If this was a man writing about his wife micromanaging him, she would be seen as a wonderful woman trying to maintain a sense of order and to keep junk out of the house and to do what she has to do to keep the house running. She would be lauded as a hero who has to put up with this husband who can't even manage simple house rules that serve to keep the house and family clean and organized and he would be degraded, called names and laughed at for being such a bad husband.
Read her follow up post. Nothing in there has anything to do with the house or her slovenly ways. And seriously, suggesting that she scare the crap out of him to the point where he feels the need to call the police because, gee, having a homicide detective in the house will turn him around??? You're crazy.
I am PP who says to strong arm him by leaving for a couple of days. Yep, let him call the police. This DH has clearly demonstrated that he won't go to therapy without a strong incentive. OP sounds desperate. She also does not sound like someone who wants to end her marriage. So I'm suggesting a strong arm scenario where no one actually gets hurt. Why is that crazy? You sound like you are probably divorced or perhaps never married. Solutions to such an intractable situations are rarely straightforward.