Anonymous wrote:This actually pertains to me. My wife and I have not had sex for 2 and a half years. I love her. She is my soul mate. I don't want to leave or divorce but if I make an advance she will always push me away.There are no other overriding conflicts. No abuse, no alcohol or drug abuse, no infidelity. Frankly I don;t know what to do. I don't initialize anything anymore because I know she will not want me. I just wondered if anyone else fell into this pattern and ever recovered their marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:B and D, having affairs or divorcing when the kids are grown -- in these options, you are paying for your wife to live comfortably in your house when she despises you and provides little or no value to your life. Plus when you eventually divorce, your retirement savings and the marital estate will be larger than they are now, so she'll get more of your wealth.

Sack up and pull the plug.

Second marriages fail at a greater rate. It will be a big financial hit. Have an affair and you will likely damage your relationship with the kids and others. If you can't work it out at least divorce amicably.

Second marriages? Who said anything about marrying again. Learn your lesson and don't do that again.

My point was that the financial hit is larger if you wait. Divorce now is always cheaper than divorce later.

I also did not say "don't divorce amicably".

Sack up and pull the plug. Do it as soon as possible and as amicably as possible, but do it.

The problem is divorced guys want the benefits of being married without the commitment. If you truly want just a sexual relationship with a woman, offer to "sponsor" someone and get your needs met.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:B and D, having affairs or divorcing when the kids are grown -- in these options, you are paying for your wife to live comfortably in your house when she despises you and provides little or no value to your life. Plus when you eventually divorce, your retirement savings and the marital estate will be larger than they are now, so she'll get more of your wealth.

Sack up and pull the plug.

Second marriages fail at a greater rate. It will be a big financial hit. Have an affair and you will likely damage your relationship with the kids and others. If you can't work it out at least divorce amicably.

Second marriages? Who said anything about marrying again. Learn your lesson and don't do that again.

My point was that the financial hit is larger if you wait. Divorce now is always cheaper than divorce later.

I also did not say "don't divorce amicably".

Sack up and pull the plug. Do it as soon as possible and as amicably as possible, but do it.

The problem is divorced guys want the benefits of being married without the commitment. If you truly want just a sexual relationship with a woman, offer to "sponsor" someone and get your needs met.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:B and D, having affairs or divorcing when the kids are grown -- in these options, you are paying for your wife to live comfortably in your house when she despises you and provides little or no value to your life. Plus when you eventually divorce, your retirement savings and the marital estate will be larger than they are now, so she'll get more of your wealth.

Sack up and pull the plug.

Second marriages fail at a greater rate. It will be a big financial hit. Have an affair and you will likely damage your relationship with the kids and others. If you can't work it out at least divorce amicably.

Second marriages? Who said anything about marrying again. Learn your lesson and don't do that again.

My point was that the financial hit is larger if you wait. Divorce now is always cheaper than divorce later.

I also did not say "don't divorce amicably".

Sack up and pull the plug. Do it as soon as possible and as amicably as possible, but do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:B and D, having affairs or divorcing when the kids are grown -- in these options, you are paying for your wife to live comfortably in your house when she despises you and provides little or no value to your life. Plus when you eventually divorce, your retirement savings and the marital estate will be larger than they are now, so she'll get more of your wealth.

Sack up and pull the plug.

Second marriages fail at a greater rate. It will be a big financial hit. Have an affair and you will likely damage your relationship with the kids and others. If you can't work it out at least divorce amicably.

Second marriages? Who said anything about marrying again. Learn your lesson and don't do that again.

My point was that the financial hit is larger if you wait. Divorce now is always cheaper than divorce later.

I also did not say "don't divorce amicably".

Sack up and pull the plug. Do it as soon as possible and as amicably as possible, but do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:B and D, having affairs or divorcing when the kids are grown -- in these options, you are paying for your wife to live comfortably in your house when she despises you and provides little or no value to your life. Plus when you eventually divorce, your retirement savings and the marital estate will be larger than they are now, so she'll get more of your wealth.

Sack up and pull the plug.

Second marriages fail at a greater rate. It will be a big financial hit. Have an affair and you will likely damage your relationship with the kids and others. If you can't work it out at least divorce amicably.

Anonymous wrote:A. Get used to relieving yourself and watching porn
B. Stay married and have affairs
C. Get Divorced now
D. Get Divorced after the kids are older

Anonymous wrote:B and D, having affairs or divorcing when the kids are grown -- in these options, you are paying for your wife to live comfortably in your house when she despises you and provides little or no value to your life. Plus when you eventually divorce, your retirement savings and the marital estate will be larger than they are now, so she'll get more of your wealth.

Sack up and pull the plug.

Anonymous wrote:E. Figure out why and if there's something that can be done.

Has wife said outright "No more sex"?

In my case, from the outside you could say I'm withholding sex as we've probably done it less than a dozen times since DC was born. Reality is I'm tired and feel fat and ugly and unsexy. DH tries to initiate just as I'm dropping off to sleep. We love each other but he tends not to initiate other physical affection throughout the day unless he wants sex that night. Whereas, even if I don't want sex, I might grab his butt as I walk by or lean over and kiss whatever body part I can reach - cheek, arm, mouth - if I'm in proximity, simply to let him know that I do find him attractive and love him.

I'm having a feeling that he's at A right now. Can't prove it, but a hunch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a definite C. (Barring the fact that I'm not having sex because I have cancer or am recovering from serious surgery or something like that.) If we're just living life and everything is otherwise fine but I tell him sex is off the table or just refuse to have it, he'd be gone. I would give it maybe a year tops.

"Can't" versus "won't" is a crucial part of my response. If my wife got sick or whatever and just couldn't have sex without being miserable despite her best efforts to find a solution, I'd masturbate more and keep loving her just as much. If it's just something where she loses interest and isn't concerned enough about my happiness and the health of my connection to her to make an effort to get interested again; then we look at C or D. It depends on the age of the kids and how bad things are otherwise at home. If things are more or less friendly at home, then wait until the kids are gone. If the hostility at home outweighs any benefit from having two kids at home, then end it now. Cheating is simply lying and betrayal and shouldn't be considered. However, I guess an open marriage with the consent of the low libido spouse might be an option.

The problem that I notice with this sort of scenario is the spouse who unilaterally cuts of sex is selfish. They care only about their personal wants and wishes and not that of their spouse. (This goes both ways- men and women can put the other in sexless marriages.) This inherent selfishness makes them pretty much unlikely to be amenable to allowing their partner to at least get satisfaction outside the marriage. They want their spouse in the home, honoring them, valuing them, and only them, but refuse to do the same. Generally, "low libido" partners aren't willing to compromise a little to make their spouses happy by having sex, nor are they willing to compromise by allowing them to have extramarital purely-sex affairs either. So the sexless spouse has two choices most of the time: live with it, or leave.

This right here, at least from my experience. DW had no interest in sex, and anything I did to help her out or make her feel good was just thrown back at me saying I only did it because I wanted sex, which was true but I would have continued to go above and beyond if it meant spending time with the woman I loved. She felt there was nothing wrong in our marriage and because we were done having children there was no need to have sex any longer.
I started with A, without the porn, and when something came up one time about masturbation and I admitted I did that she said I was disgusting and perverted.
I planned on using A until D became an option, and I tied to talk about it but it always caused her blowing up into a argument.
Finally I said I wanted C, which caused another huge argument, but the next day she decided that having sex with her husband was better then getting a job.

There are only 2 options: B and C. Open marriage or Divorce. If your wife stops having sex with you, that IS her consent for B. You do not need any further permission: just go enjoy your open marriage. Or, if you prefer, divorce. I don't understand how some people are the least bit confused about this simple/basic fact. Normal, healthy men do not just "stop" having sex. Options A and D do not exist.

Ugh. Yoi again open marriage poster. I knew we'd see you soon. Like so many have told you before, so people believe their marriage vows mean no sleeping with other people while you're married - even if one partner unilaterally decides to stop having sex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a definite C. (Barring the fact that I'm not having sex because I have cancer or am recovering from serious surgery or something like that.) If we're just living life and everything is otherwise fine but I tell him sex is off the table or just refuse to have it, he'd be gone. I would give it maybe a year tops.

"Can't" versus "won't" is a crucial part of my response. If my wife got sick or whatever and just couldn't have sex without being miserable despite her best efforts to find a solution, I'd masturbate more and keep loving her just as much. If it's just something where she loses interest and isn't concerned enough about my happiness and the health of my connection to her to make an effort to get interested again; then we look at C or D. It depends on the age of the kids and how bad things are otherwise at home. If things are more or less friendly at home, then wait until the kids are gone. If the hostility at home outweighs any benefit from having two kids at home, then end it now. Cheating is simply lying and betrayal and shouldn't be considered. However, I guess an open marriage with the consent of the low libido spouse might be an option.

The problem that I notice with this sort of scenario is the spouse who unilaterally cuts of sex is selfish. They care only about their personal wants and wishes and not that of their spouse. (This goes both ways- men and women can put the other in sexless marriages.) This inherent selfishness makes them pretty much unlikely to be amenable to allowing their partner to at least get satisfaction outside the marriage. They want their spouse in the home, honoring them, valuing them, and only them, but refuse to do the same. Generally, "low libido" partners aren't willing to compromise a little to make their spouses happy by having sex, nor are they willing to compromise by allowing them to have extramarital purely-sex affairs either. So the sexless spouse has two choices most of the time: live with it, or leave.

This right here, at least from my experience. DW had no interest in sex, and anything I did to help her out or make her feel good was just thrown back at me saying I only did it because I wanted sex, which was true but I would have continued to go above and beyond if it meant spending time with the woman I loved. She felt there was nothing wrong in our marriage and because we were done having children there was no need to have sex any longer.
I started with A, without the porn, and when something came up one time about masturbation and I admitted I did that she said I was disgusting and perverted.
I planned on using A until D became an option, and I tied to talk about it but it always caused her blowing up into a argument.
Finally I said I wanted C, which caused another huge argument, but the next day she decided that having sex with her husband was better then getting a job.

There are only 2 options: B and C. Open marriage or Divorce. If your wife stops having sex with you, that IS her consent for B. You do not need any further permission: just go enjoy your open marriage. Or, if you prefer, divorce. I don't understand how some people are the least bit confused about this simple/basic fact. Normal, healthy men do not just "stop" having sex. Options A and D do not exist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a definite C. (Barring the fact that I'm not having sex because I have cancer or am recovering from serious surgery or something like that.) If we're just living life and everything is otherwise fine but I tell him sex is off the table or just refuse to have it, he'd be gone. I would give it maybe a year tops.

"Can't" versus "won't" is a crucial part of my response. If my wife got sick or whatever and just couldn't have sex without being miserable despite her best efforts to find a solution, I'd masturbate more and keep loving her just as much. If it's just something where she loses interest and isn't concerned enough about my happiness and the health of my connection to her to make an effort to get interested again; then we look at C or D. It depends on the age of the kids and how bad things are otherwise at home. If things are more or less friendly at home, then wait until the kids are gone. If the hostility at home outweighs any benefit from having two kids at home, then end it now. Cheating is simply lying and betrayal and shouldn't be considered. However, I guess an open marriage with the consent of the low libido spouse might be an option.

The problem that I notice with this sort of scenario is the spouse who unilaterally cuts of sex is selfish. They care only about their personal wants and wishes and not that of their spouse. (This goes both ways- men and women can put the other in sexless marriages.) This inherent selfishness makes them pretty much unlikely to be amenable to allowing their partner to at least get satisfaction outside the marriage. They want their spouse in the home, honoring them, valuing them, and only them, but refuse to do the same. Generally, "low libido" partners aren't willing to compromise a little to make their spouses happy by having sex, nor are they willing to compromise by allowing them to have extramarital purely-sex affairs either. So the sexless spouse has two choices most of the time: live with it, or leave.

This right here, at least from my experience. DW had no interest in sex, and anything I did to help her out or make her feel good was just thrown back at me saying I only did it because I wanted sex, which was true but I would have continued to go above and beyond if it meant spending time with the woman I loved. She felt there was nothing wrong in our marriage and because we were done having children there was no need to have sex any longer.
I started with A, without the porn, and when something came up one time about masturbation and I admitted I did that she said I was disgusting and perverted.
I planned on using A until D became an option, and I tied to talk about it but it always caused her blowing up into a argument.
Finally I said I wanted C, which caused another huge argument, but the next day she decided that having sex with her husband was better then getting a job.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a definite C. (Barring the fact that I'm not having sex because I have cancer or am recovering from serious surgery or something like that.) If we're just living life and everything is otherwise fine but I tell him sex is off the table or just refuse to have it, he'd be gone. I would give it maybe a year tops.

"Can't" versus "won't" is a crucial part of my response. If my wife got sick or whatever and just couldn't have sex without being miserable despite her best efforts to find a solution, I'd masturbate more and keep loving her just as much. If it's just something where she loses interest and isn't concerned enough about my happiness and the health of my connection to her to make an effort to get interested again; then we look at C or D. It depends on the age of the kids and how bad things are otherwise at home. If things are more or less friendly at home, then wait until the kids are gone. If the hostility at home outweighs any benefit from having two kids at home, then end it now. Cheating is simply lying and betrayal and shouldn't be considered. However, I guess an open marriage with the consent of the low libido spouse might be an option.

The problem that I notice with this sort of scenario is the spouse who unilaterally cuts of sex is selfish. They care only about their personal wants and wishes and not that of their spouse. (This goes both ways- men and women can put the other in sexless marriages.) This inherent selfishness makes them pretty much unlikely to be amenable to allowing their partner to at least get satisfaction outside the marriage. They want their spouse in the home, honoring them, valuing them, and only them, but refuse to do the same. Generally, "low libido" partners aren't willing to compromise a little to make their spouses happy by having sex, nor are they willing to compromise by allowing them to have extramarital purely-sex affairs either. So the sexless spouse has two choices most of the time: live with it, or leave.