Your current dynamic:

Money with strings attached. You're more guilty than she is. Disappointed that the monster you created did not repay your extravagant expenses with affectionate demonstrations? Ridiculous.

Your future dynamic:

Limited contact for a few years, which means no catering to her, no gifts (cards for birthdays and holidays), token phone calls once every month at most. Be pleasant, polite, and DO NOT ask for love, attention or affection!

If she's in trouble (as in, about to be thrown out into the streets or die from a serious disease), by all means help her out. The first step towards a healthy relationship with your child is understanding and controlling yourself.

FYI, this thread is two years old

OP, I really, really sympathize. I am flabbergasted by how many spoiled women are terrible to their moms.

All I can say is that you still have opportunities to parent her in a better way now.

STOP enabling her to be such an asshole. STOP giving her anything she wants. STOP letting her treat you badly.

Set boundaries. If you don't feel like spending time with her now, tell her not to visit right now. Keep it simple. "I am hurt about the disrespectful and unkind way you treated me at your wedding and I really don't want to spend time with you right now."

Why would you not do this?

Are you a foreigner OP? You sound like you're expecting way too much. Tiger mom?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I have been talking to my therapist for years about this problem. She is all about STOP doing nice things for her and not to let her treat me poorly. My daughter tells me I give her anxiety when I approach the subject. She is coming home later this month and I am honestly don't want to be around her. I think my next approach is going to be to tell her I am not responsible for her happiness, nor she mine. At the same time, I will permit her to treat me poorly. I have suggested that she get help.....she will not. It's her journey.
I have to let go of thinking that I need to suck it up because I don't want to damage our future relationship!
I really thought I was a good parent.....not so much!

My DD ??? I just had a reveal this summer. I don't care anymore! I do regret spending so much time of my life on THEM and should have traveled to see friends etc. I tried but it didn't work out. Not even worth stressing myself out anymore.

When DD has her own home-apt, house, etc I would visit as a dinner guest but never hang out. Stay in hotel if out of the area and visit if there ever is a grandchild. Wedding and family involvement? Wear a wonderful little black dress I already own and show up for the event.

You could be my mom--here's my reveal--I've always known that you don't care. You have poisoned my life and your disregard for me is apparent to everyone. It says much more about you than it does about me.

+100

As I read these posts my heart cries, all of the daughters here are one. All the parents have the same question ,Why? No one here has an answer.

Anonymous wrote:OP, it also isn't her fault at this point if you've spent her life spoiling her. Of course she expected an extravagant over the top wedding, because you set her up for it. I say this as a spoiled daughter. My mother barely set boundaries growing up and gave my sister and I nearly everything we ever asked for (except the pony). We were honestly so sheltered that we did not understand that it was not normal to get everything one asked for at all times. Imagine the mess my husband is dealing with from the effects of that. I was a ungrateful, spoiled brat, and am still working to get over it.

Your daughter is probably unhappy as well because you set her up to believe in a world that does not exist. One where she's the center of everything.

I do not have children yet, but really plan to raise them differently.

+1000

You reap what you sow and so will she.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I have been talking to my therapist for years about this problem. She is all about STOP doing nice things for her and not to let her treat me poorly. My daughter tells me I give her anxiety when I approach the subject. She is coming home later this month and I am honestly don't want to be around her. I think my next approach is going to be to tell her I am not responsible for her happiness, nor she mine. At the same time, I will permit her to treat me poorly. I have suggested that she get help.....she will not. It's her journey.
I have to let go of thinking that I need to suck it up because I don't want to damage our future relationship!
I really thought I was a good parent.....not so much!

My DD ??? I just had a reveal this summer. I don't care anymore! I do regret spending so much time of my life on THEM and should have traveled to see friends etc. I tried but it didn't work out. Not even worth stressing myself out anymore.

When DD has her own home-apt, house, etc I would visit as a dinner guest but never hang out. Stay in hotel if out of the area and visit if there ever is a grandchild. Wedding and family involvement? Wear a wonderful little black dress I already own and show up for the event.

You could be my mom--here's my reveal--I've always known that you don't care. You have poisoned my life and your disregard for me is apparent to everyone. It says much more about you than it does about me.

Same here. I could always tell she did not love me and now I know for sure. But the truth is she can't love at all, so my siblings who are still in her life will never be able to grow up -- they have to be the person she wants them to be so they can get her "fake-love." They are emotionally and psychologically stunted, malformed adults. I never would have come into my own if she had treated me any better than she did because I would have been scrambling for her "love" too.

PP, I read somewhere that there was a study done on teen girls who had bad relationships with their mothers and tracked how they turned out. The ones whose mothers flat out said "I don't love you" did much better as adults than the ones whose mothers faked it. They were able to accept the truth, heal and move on. Good luck to you. You are not the only one.

Think of all the awsome things you can do with the money you would have wasted on her. Next thing is she will hold the grandchildren hostage, so find someone you can shower with gratitude and attention thats not this nasty.
I watched my mother and sister go at it for the same reasons (15 year difference, by then my parents had $$), just sad, sad, sad.

I am so sorry that you have been going through hard times with your daughter, I relate to what you have said. My daughter and I were so close while she was growing up, at 17 she fell in love with a boy that was not a good choice and she ran away to his parents house, my daughter lies and always has. I spoiled her in every way even though we did not have a lot of money. It is hard to give a good explanation with such a short amount of words here. My therapist tells me that she is a Narcissist and that will never change. I can only change myself. I focus on the kids when I can get a hold of her and don't expect anything out of her. I am so hurt and dont understand the hateful attitude. Good luck

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I have been talking to my therapist for years about this problem. She is all about STOP doing nice things for her and not to let her treat me poorly. My daughter tells me I give her anxiety when I approach the subject. She is coming home later this month and I am honestly don't want to be around her. I think my next approach is going to be to tell her I am not responsible for her happiness, nor she mine. At the same time, I will permit her to treat me poorly. I have suggested that she get help.....she will not. It's her journey.
I have to let go of thinking that I need to suck it up because I don't want to damage our future relationship!
I really thought I was a good parent.....not so much!

My DD ??? I just had a reveal this summer. I don't care anymore! I do regret spending so much time of my life on THEM and should have traveled to see friends etc. I tried but it didn't work out. Not even worth stressing myself out anymore.

When DD has her own home-apt, house, etc I would visit as a dinner guest but never hang out. Stay in hotel if out of the area and visit if there ever is a grandchild. Wedding and family involvement? Wear a wonderful little black dress I already own and show up for the event.

You could be my mom--here's my reveal--I've always known that you don't care. You have poisoned my life and your disregard for me is apparent to everyone. It says much more about you than it does about me.