Anonymous wrote:Was OPs hand opened or closed? If opened, and she bitch-slapped him a couple of times, do you really think he's gonna call the cops on her? Men, would you call on your DW for something like this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

Maybe. But, it is a Battery and a criminal offense for which OP can be arrested and prosecuted.

I'm the PP and I agree. I was saying there's a distinction between what you describe and what people are referring to as domestic violence. And I also said it wasn't acceptable and yeah, she could be prosecuted.

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

Maybe. But, it is a Battery and a criminal offense for which OP can be arrested and prosecuted.

Isn't it Assault and Battery? I thought Battery was having the intent to assault but that assault was the actual physical act.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

Maybe. But, it is a Battery and a criminal offense for which OP can be arrested and prosecuted.

Isn't it Assault and Battery? I thought Battery was having the intent to assault but that assault was the actual physical act.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this distinction will not mean much to many of you, but this isn't "domestic violence" in terms of what the professionals working in the field consider domestic violence. Let me explain before you all cry foul.

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, with specific intentions involved to achieve a desired impact. The impact is to instill fear, the intent is to control behavior. That's what we refer to as domestic violence. Not all violence that occurs in the home is "domestic violence." Some is defensive, some is reactionary, some is brought on by stress, etc.

At least what the OP is describing, and of course I wasn't' there, isn't "domestic violence." It's more like a reaction to stress, or in this case, being verbally abused and witnessing what amounts to emotional abuse of a child. By saying what he said, it sounds to me, he was intending to hurt the child. The child became a pawn in his own frustration.

Before you all jump on me, all violence accept defensive violence is wrong. I get that. But if there's any effort at controlling behavior, let's face it, it came from the husband. No, I'm not victim blaming. I don't think he's a victim. You don't say something like to a child about their mother, damaging a child and their perception of their mother, and still get to be a victim. He's as much to blame as she is, and yes, she's to blame for her reaction to what he did. But he's right in that game.

Maybe. But, it is a Battery and a criminal offense for which OP can be arrested and prosecuted.

Anonymous wrote:

Think of it this way. If your uncle came over for a visit, lost his temper because you teased him about collecting disability, and slapped your face in front of your kid would you allow him to come visit you the next day? Of course not. You might accept his apology in time but there is no way you would let him set foot in your house that soon.

Yes, one reasonable response could be to take a break from each other, but another reasonable response could be to get counseling and work on the relationship while not taking a break from each other.
When I was 8 months pregnant, my husband, who is otherwise a wonderful guy, teased me about my eating habits. I was tired, cranky, not feeling well, and fed up, so I wound up throwing my bowel of cereal at him (and hitting him with it). To this day, I can't explain why I did it, it was so completely out of character for me, and I know it was totally wrong. But I apologized, and helped clean everything up, and we didn't separate or take a break at all. We've been married for five years since then, have a great kid, and nothing even remotely like that has every happened again, and I feel sure it never will happen again.

Think of it this way. If your uncle came over for a visit, lost his temper because you teased him about collecting disability, and slapped your face in front of your kid would you allow him to come visit you the next day? Of course not. You might accept his apology in time but there is no way you would let him set foot in your house that soon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think you're out of touch with reality and have spent too much time in non-clinical work (research?) and need to get out and see people again. The police disagree with you. I think you are confusing domestic violence, which can be a one-time event, with domestic abuse which is usually a pattern of emotional or physical abuse.

Call it what you will, the distinction is there. Abuse, violence, whatever you want to call it, there's a difference. And the same distinction and pointing out the differences that you just made is what I made. Not all violence is the same. You said it, I said it.

Yes, but in this case, the words are important. Domestic violence is a term that is defined legally and for law enforcement purposes. If you're going to be giving this type of advice, you can't just randomly choose words. Some have more legal consequences than others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't consider what her husband said emotional abuse. There are times when Mommy does not want to be with her kid. That used to be normal, accepted, and okay to admit. She went off the rails because he made her feel guilty.

If I hit my husband -- absent extreme stress like revelation of affair, bankruptcy, illness of child -- then I would know that I hated him. Therapy and temporary separation would be the minimum.

But if I were OP I would ask DH what he wants to do. He is the victim and his thoughts about what is best for their family should be respected. I would also tell my DD that what I did was wrong and that it would never happen again.

No wonder there are so many divorces. A partner hits the other partner one time in a stressful situation and you call for a separation? Most marriages are a lot stronger than that. I threw something at my H under extreme fatigue and stress. We didn't separate. It was a one time thing.