I have two but if I only had one I would be able to do so much more with my oldest. I think about trips to Disney, NYC, and truly being focused on her all the time vs. attending to, feeding, bathing, playing with and consoling another child. I don't regret having two but it makes me realize I want to be able to live better with my 2 kids than have a third.

I can imagine trips to Europe, cruises, and all sorts of enriching experiences- which would be nearly impossible with too many kids. I sometimes wonder how parents of 3+ kids reconcile that... do they just assume their kids will travel and see the world when they are older and moved out on their own? I know a number of families with >3 kids and they can't afford to go anywhere or they need to drive because they can't afford plane fares.

The more kids you have the harder it is to get people to babysit for you, particularly overnights or a week or weekend for you and DH to go on vacation together every once in a while. There is more time and energy for keeping your marriage happy with fewer children. And fewer financial constraints should add to marital satisfaction as well.

You can eat better quality food rather than stretching your grocery budget for another mouth to feed, you can fit your whole family into one hotel room. Think about emergencies... less crap to haul around, fewer mouths to feed.

I used to want a third but I am beginning to prefer this idea of "living lighter".... there is absolutely some selfishness to it but it's my LIFE. Not something minor like deciding whether to have a second tea at breakfast, know what I mean?

Are you fucking kidding me?

I have no idea who these only freaks are, but I can tell you that as an only, I had plenty of friends to keep me busy. And some of them - gasp!!!! - were only children!

Anonymous wrote:i come from a family of 4 so i have no idea how it would feel for an only. yes, they actually said that. you know what was the worst for them? when they're in college and come back home during the xmas holidays on their break with no siblings to hang out with at home, sure the parents are there but it's not really the same. I knew several onlys who had the same sentiments.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:right, there are no guarantees siblings will get along. But i'm not here to argue, and there's no right or wrong answer. And there are valid reasons to having an only and I'm not disputing them, i'm just thinking in the best interest of the child and what makes them ultimately happy, not the parents per se. Sure, if having one will make the parents less crazy, happier family all around. Really? Lot of only childs i know grew up lonely especially around the holidays (Thanks, Xmas) with no silblings around or in other words, would've prefered to have a sibling growing up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:when the only at some point will ask the parents why they didn't have another child and to wish for a brother or sister. How would that make the parent REALLY feel "because only one was in the cards for us due to stress and hardship or other reasons cited here?" I'm sorry but if you are physically and financially able to have another i think you owe it to them to have another. The reality is they need a sibling in this world. Someone to lean on when they become adults, attend their respective weddings, take care of the parents when they get old, on their deathbeds TOGETHER.

I'm just not sold on an only.

My DH is one of four. Every one of them moved far away from their parents and from one another, as soon as they became adults, to every corner of the US.
They hardly ever see one another and rarely talk to each other. They are friendly, but not friends. There was and is no drama/trauma. An average family.

There are no guarantees for anything! You do not have to give your child a sibling. And you certainly should not do it for the often cited reasons of 'giving them a friend' or 'sharing the burden to take care of their aging parents together' . These things have a knack for not panning out.

Are you sure they actually said that, or that you perceived it? I mean, I certainly was "bored" sometimes, but no more than a child with siblings was being picked on or neglected.

Anonymous wrote:"So most of us have kids for selfish reasons."

As is choosing not to have kids.

In my experiences, only the Jesus Freaks share your "philosophy."

Anonymous wrote:I am totally torn on whether to have another. One consideration for me (beyond whether our finances will allow it) is what if the 2nd kid is special needs? I am 34, so this i something to think about with the next pregnancy, if thre is one. Maybe I am being paranoid, but I feel like we really lucked with our first, who is perfection in every way. Childcare for 2 kids would be a financial stretch for us, but we'd figure it out. I cannot even fathom how we would financially handle a kid with special needs.

Or twins.

i come from a family of 4 so i have no idea how it would feel for an only. yes, they actually said that. you know what was the worst for them? when they're in college and come back home during the xmas holidays on their break with no siblings to hang out with at home, sure the parents are there but it's not really the same. I knew several onlys who had the same sentiments.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:right, there are no guarantees siblings will get along. But i'm not here to argue, and there's no right or wrong answer. And there are valid reasons to having an only and I'm not disputing them, i'm just thinking in the best interest of the child and what makes them ultimately happy, not the parents per se. Sure, if having one will make the parents less crazy, happier family all around. Really? Lot of only childs i know grew up lonely especially around the holidays (Thanks, Xmas) with no silblings around or in other words, would've prefered to have a sibling growing up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:when the only at some point will ask the parents why they didn't have another child and to wish for a brother or sister. How would that make the parent REALLY feel "because only one was in the cards for us due to stress and hardship or other reasons cited here?" I'm sorry but if you are physically and financially able to have another i think you owe it to them to have another. The reality is they need a sibling in this world. Someone to lean on when they become adults, attend their respective weddings, take care of the parents when they get old, on their deathbeds TOGETHER.

I'm just not sold on an only.

My DH is one of four. Every one of them moved far away from their parents and from one another, as soon as they became adults, to every corner of the US.
They hardly ever see one another and rarely talk to each other. They are friendly, but not friends. There was and is no drama/trauma. An average family.

There are no guarantees for anything! You do not have to give your child a sibling. And you certainly should not do it for the often cited reasons of 'giving them a friend' or 'sharing the burden to take care of their aging parents together' . These things have a knack for not panning out.

Are you sure they actually said that, or that you perceived it? I mean, I certainly was "bored" sometimes, but no more than a child with siblings was being picked on or neglected.

Anonymous wrote:right, there are no guarantees siblings will get along. But i'm not here to argue, and there's no right or wrong answer. And there are valid reasons to having an only and I'm not disputing them, i'm just thinking in the best interest of the child and what makes them ultimately happy, not the parents per se. Sure, if having one will make the parents less crazy, happier family all around. Really? Lot of only childs i know grew up lonely especially around the holidays (Thanks, Xmas) with no silblings around or in other words, would've prefered to have a sibling growing up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:when the only at some point will ask the parents why they didn't have another child and to wish for a brother or sister. How would that make the parent REALLY feel "because only one was in the cards for us due to stress and hardship or other reasons cited here?" I'm sorry but if you are physically and financially able to have another i think you owe it to them to have another. The reality is they need a sibling in this world. Someone to lean on when they become adults, attend their respective weddings, take care of the parents when they get old, on their deathbeds TOGETHER.

I'm just not sold on an only.

My DH is one of four. Every one of them moved far away from their parents and from one another, as soon as they became adults, to every corner of the US.
They hardly ever see one another and rarely talk to each other. They are friendly, but not friends. There was and is no drama/trauma. An average family.

There are no guarantees for anything! You do not have to give your child a sibling. And you certainly should not do it for the often cited reasons of 'giving them a friend' or 'sharing the burden to take care of their aging parents together' . These things have a knack for not panning out.

Are you sure they actually said that, or that you perceived it? I mean, I certainly was "bored" sometimes, but no more than a child with siblings was being picked on or neglected.

Another point to make here. We have chosen not to have a 2nd due to a medical situation in our family that could leave any children with only one parent. This came up later, after our first. I ask that you all realize that sometimes you just don't know the situation, and therefore kill the comments of "don't you want another" or "when are you going to give DC a baby sister??"

Same, of course, applies to those that can't afford it, whose IVF attempts failed, adoption was denied, etc. Maybe you just don't have a clue what is going on in the family. If that person wants to find the GREAT in having a one and only...let them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:when the only at some point will ask the parents why they didn't have another child and to wish for a brother or sister. How would that make the parent REALLY feel "because only one was in the cards for us due to stress and hardship or other reasons cited here?" I'm sorry but if you are physically and financially able to have another i think you owe it to them to have another. The reality is they need a sibling in this world. Someone to lean on when they become adults, attend their respective weddings, take care of the parents when they get old, on their deathbeds TOGETHER.

I'm just not sold on an only.

Dumb and naive.

defensive and delusional

right, there are no guarantees siblings will get along. But i'm not here to argue, and there's no right or wrong answer. And there are valid reasons to having an only and I'm not disputing them, i'm just thinking in the best interest of the child and what makes them ultimately happy, not the parents per se. Sure, if having one will make the parents less crazy, happier family all around. Really? Lot of only childs i know grew up lonely especially around the holidays (Thanks, Xmas) with no silblings around or in other words, would've prefered to have a sibling growing up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:when the only at some point will ask the parents why they didn't have another child and to wish for a brother or sister. How would that make the parent REALLY feel "because only one was in the cards for us due to stress and hardship or other reasons cited here?" I'm sorry but if you are physically and financially able to have another i think you owe it to them to have another. The reality is they need a sibling in this world. Someone to lean on when they become adults, attend their respective weddings, take care of the parents when they get old, on their deathbeds TOGETHER.

I'm just not sold on an only.

My DH is one of four. Every one of them moved far away from their parents and from one another, as soon as they became adults, to every corner of the US.
They hardly ever see one another and rarely talk to each other. They are friendly, but not friends. There was and is no drama/trauma. An average family.

There are no guarantees for anything! You do not have to give your child a sibling. And you certainly should not do it for the often cited reasons of 'giving them a friend' or 'sharing the burden to take care of their aging parents together' . These things have a knack for not panning out.

I am totally torn on whether to have another. One consideration for me (beyond whether our finances will allow it) is what if the 2nd kid is special needs? I am 34, so this i something to think about with the next pregnancy, if thre is one. Maybe I am being paranoid, but I feel like we really lucked with our first, who is perfection in every way. Childcare for 2 kids would be a financial stretch for us, but we'd figure it out. I cannot even fathom how we would financially handle a kid with special needs.

"So most of us have kids for selfish reasons."

As is choosing not to have kids.

Honestly, I think choosing not to have kids is so SELFLESS. You realize you can't bring a kid into the world and give it your all, and to hell with society and pressure? Way to go for that choice.

You can put your resources toward one rather than splitting them. This means money AND time. I know so many families with 3 kids in sports and activities and every weekend, one kid gets the shaft because there's only 2 parents to attend games. It seems with 3, one of the three is getting short changed when it comes to stuff like this.

I'm a 3rd of 3, and can tell you I was horribly short-changed. I'm not bitter about it but it sucks that I never had little girl dancing lessons ("I'm tired of driving kids to lessons"), never had long hair ("I don't want to deal with any more braids") and so on.

You can host foreign exchange students when your LO is in middle school or high school. That'll help give him/her the sense of a sibling and give you a fuller house, but it won't be a long-term commitment. I was an only, and my parents always promised me this when I complained about not having a sibling but never did it. I think it would have been an amazing experience.

This is actually my plan for my only!!! I had a good friend in HS who was an exchange student...so I can't wait to host!

Anonymous wrote:when the only at some point will ask the parents why they didn't have another child and to wish for a brother or sister. How would that make the parent REALLY feel "because only one was in the cards for us due to stress and hardship or other reasons cited here?" I'm sorry but if you are physically and financially able to have another i think you owe it to them to have another. The reality is they need a sibling in this world. Someone to lean on when they become adults, attend their respective weddings, take care of the parents when they get old, on their deathbeds TOGETHER.

I'm just not sold on an only.

Dumb and naive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:when the only at some point will ask the parents why they didn't have another child and to wish for a brother or sister. How would that make the parent REALLY feel "because only one was in the cards for us due to stress and hardship or other reasons cited here?" I'm sorry but if you are physically and financially able to have another i think you owe it to them to have another. The reality is they need a sibling in this world. Someone to lean on when they become adults, attend their respective weddings, take care of the parents when they get old, on their deathbeds TOGETHER.

I'm just not sold on an only.

Lemme guess - in addition to being a thread-killer and throwing in baseless comments about optimistic future-telling, you're also a pro-lifer, or voting for Mitt, or evangelical?

absolutely not, i'm pro-choice, voting for hmmm...none of ur business, and not evangelical.

"So most of us have kids for selfish reasons."

As is choosing not to have kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my child asks me why she doesn't have a sibling, I'm going to say, "We're happy with our family the way it is." Which is the core truth, regardless of any adult concerns about having enough resources, whether financial or emotional.

Just tell her you stopped at perfection!

Agree. I always feel a little sad when I hear mothers say that even with the child(ren) they have, they don't feel that their families are "complete." it's like saying that their existing children are somehow deficient--not a great message to send to your kids.

Most of the women I know with multiple children have them for themselves. So feeling incomplete is their issue. They need to surround themselves with children in order to give them a purpose. Oftentimes, I hear them talk about how exhausted they are shuffling kids around, packing lunches, running errands with all in tow, etc. However, at the same time it's a badge of honor. One even corrected me when I mistakenly said she had three kids instead of four.

I am an older mother of two and am an only child. The first one was not planned; the second was. no interventions - So the fear of being infertile never stopped me from waiting. And when I had the first, I waited 4 years until I had the second, as I would have been completely fine with an only.

So most of us have kids for selfish reasons. We want to fill a void, for example, or we want to carry on a name so we keep trying for that boy! At some point, however, women have to realize that larger families are not always tight. With onlies, however, you can create some very strong bonds.