Ever heard of K.I.S.S.? (Keep it simple stupid)

Just say "No, sorry, we can't."

OP here. Thank you everyone, this has been enormously helpful. I think my problem is that when I have people in my house I like to treat them as my guests, and not ask them to do anything. Most houseguests go out of their way to at least be respectful so I don't mind taking care of them for a couple of days WHEN I am able to do so. I'm just so resentful at being put in the position of having to tell them don't eat my food or get a cleaning service. It makes me feel stingy and small. But my life is too full already to be a full-time hostess whenever anyone needs it, even if I'm away. But that's my thing and I'd rather be a bad hostess than take on more unnecessary stress.

As far as the dog, we have one of our own and I really don't mind having another one visit, so long as that dog has to abide by the same rules as my dog-- basically stay off the furniture and don't ruin shit.

I'm definitely going to just say no. They will be annoyed but i don't think it will be a lifetime grudge. You guys have given me lots of good suggestions for how to say it. Thank you!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with pp ^^^. The truth works just fine here. Tell them that you normally love for them to stay with you, but that you'll be coming home from a trip on Sunday and that you need to house to be in a certain condition to get through the week. With only a few hours to unpack and detox from the travel, you won't be able to get ready for work and also take care of the inevitable wear and tear that comes with having guests. Then tell them that you'd love to have them some other time, but that this one visit doesn't work.

This is good advice! Really, it is about the stress of getting ready for the week to come. That's a legitimate concern.

How flippin' fragile are you people, if your house being messy stresses you out so much that you can't get through the week? Good grief.

Not the OP but when we get back from vacation we have enough to do with vacation laundry, grocery shopping, etc. and cleaning up after house guests would not be something I would want to deal with at all. We often come back late and have work/school/camp the next morning so yes, extra tasks would not be welcome.

I get that - but extra tasks would not be welcome is a far cry from being so stressed out by it that you won't be able to get through the week. I'm in the camp that says let them stay, but let them know your expectations. Then, if you come back to a shithole, they don't come any more.

Um, I think it's fair to say that it can be pretty stressful to come home late from a trip, have laundry and grocery shopping to do, all while getting kids ready for school and bed and you ready for work in just a few hours, especially after you spent the afternoon traveling and dealing with "mom, he just touched me" and "are we there yet?" scenarios. Add to that a house wrecked from visitors? Ha! Maybe you are supermom and things like this don't bother you and butterflies and fairies clean up your pantry, but I have no such pretensions. I can't do it all and I'm ok admitting it. Plus, you are the one who said it would be so stressful "you can't get through the week." I said it was about the stress of "getting ready for the week." In my family, people understand this stuff. I would say no, OP. And stand your ground. If they argue, just repeat that they are welcome to come another time.

OP they sound like they are taking advantage of you because you have told them the rules of your household and they did not respect your wishes. There are number of different ways to handle this. One I haven't heard suggested yet is to tell them you are thinking about it. (rinse and repeat). I do think ultimately you will want a way to say no to them. If you have kids you will want to model how to firmly but nicely stand up to people that chose to take advantage of a situation. Perhaps you can take one of the family members aside and say that the hosting has just gotten too much for you and that you and hubby have decided to curtail hostessing duties, even when you are traveling or especially when you are traveling as things are moved around and cannot be located, specific food for dinner cannot be found in the refrigerator, towels for showers after trip aren't available. Good luck.

You and your needs are what matters here. Not what they think - how they feel, you don't want them in your house.
Plain and simple. If you put your needs aside and allow them to stay you will be fuming and really ONLY have yourself to blame.
If you are true to yourself and tell them you won't be home - and make a rule of not having ANYONE in your house when you are not home....you will feel SO much better!
Good luck

OP, I have been in your shoes many times over the past 10 years. I never had the nerve to just say "No, it doesn't work for me". Finally this year I did say pretty much that. The relatives in question don't speak to me.
So my advice is to ponder what the likely outcome will be if you are honest with them and don't let them stay. Is that outcome OK more or less uncomfortable than the hassle of letting them stay? I would make my decision based on that assessment.

I agree with the route of telling the truth. It's fun to have you guys over, but with everything going on and our hectic work schedules for the day we get back, it is best that we try this again when we are home.

If you make up an excuse, they will ask another time, and you will have to make up another lie next year!

If they do not like your answer, so be it.

You let people bring 3 kids and a DOG???? You are a saint. I can't even understand why people would bring their dog when they stay in someone's house. No freakin' way. Make up a white lie, but be prepared for them to be offended. People like are always offended.

Anonymous wrote:Tell the truth. "We'll be on vacation that week, and we're not comfortable having people stay in our house when we're not here."

If they think you're a bitch, all the better. Maybe they won't ask to stay with you next time.

Agreed. Be kind but firm and let them know where they can find reasonably priced lodging.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never let my family stay at my home unattended, so in this situation, I would just say I was uncomforatble having them stay without someone from my family being there. While some people may not feel the same, isn't that something everyone can understand?

Not really. Why not?

It has to do with mine and my husband's personality. We're both private people and introverts. We get by with family staying over when we're there, but we're relieved when they're gone. Even with us not being there, it would make us feel like they are in our space. Maybe we take the extension of our private lives connecting to our homes too far. We don't have anything to be embarrassed of, but I would not want them going through our file cabinet and look through tax papers and such. We don't have any safes, so all our jewelry would be exposed. I would never think my family members would steal from us, but I don't want to take that test either. My husband is also very risk-adverse. He sees having people in our home without us being there as a bigger liability. It would almost be an impossible leap of trust and relaxing to get us to let someone stay at our home unattended. But anyways, that's just us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with pp ^^^. The truth works just fine here. Tell them that you normally love for them to stay with you, but that you'll be coming home from a trip on Sunday and that you need to house to be in a certain condition to get through the week. With only a few hours to unpack and detox from the travel, you won't be able to get ready for work and also take care of the inevitable wear and tear that comes with having guests. Then tell them that you'd love to have them some other time, but that this one visit doesn't work.

This is good advice! Really, it is about the stress of getting ready for the week to come. That's a legitimate concern.

How flippin' fragile are you people, if your house being messy stresses you out so much that you can't get through the week? Good grief.

Not the OP but when we get back from vacation we have enough to do with vacation laundry, grocery shopping, etc. and cleaning up after house guests would not be something I would want to deal with at all. We often come back late and have work/school/camp the next morning so yes, extra tasks would not be welcome.

I get that - but extra tasks would not be welcome is a far cry from being so stressed out by it that you won't be able to get through the week. I'm in the camp that says let them stay, but let them know your expectations. Then, if you come back to a shithole, they don't come any more.

I would say, "I'm sorry, but this just won't work for us. There's a great reasonably priced hotel at ________ near ________'s place."

And then I would repeat the first sentence as needed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with pp ^^^. The truth works just fine here. Tell them that you normally love for them to stay with you, but that you'll be coming home from a trip on Sunday and that you need to house to be in a certain condition to get through the week. With only a few hours to unpack and detox from the travel, you won't be able to get ready for work and also take care of the inevitable wear and tear that comes with having guests. Then tell them that you'd love to have them some other time, but that this one visit doesn't work.

This is good advice! Really, it is about the stress of getting ready for the week to come. That's a legitimate concern.

How flippin' fragile are you people, if your house being messy stresses you out so much that you can't get through the week? Good grief.

Not the OP but when we get back from vacation we have enough to do with vacation laundry, grocery shopping, etc. and cleaning up after house guests would not be something I would want to deal with at all. We often come back late and have work/school/camp the next morning so yes, extra tasks would not be welcome.

Tell them you're sorry but you already promised it to another friend whose family is coming to town that week. Say you just feel terribly and wish you had known, but you cant exactly ask that family to not stay since you already promised them your house. Do NOT GIVE IN and let them stay. Seriously, sounds terrible. They stay for free and dont even clean up after themselves and leave it in the condition they found it? Forget it!

When I lived in London suddenly everyone wanted to visit me. I lived in Germany, same thing.

Isn't that odd?