Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a working mom, this is a good example of the kind of thing that makes me happy I do (even though it is a tough choice daily!). It is so "high school", even if you have no idea if you were really excluded or not.

I feel for you, OP. Who knows what happened, but your feelings matter. Dwell on it for a bit, gain confidence from your supporters on DCUM, and move on, as other posters suggested.

Couldn't agree more! Another full-time working mom here. I got a taste of the cliqueish/high-school natures of moms, when I joined a mom's group during maternity leave. Nobody would give me the time of day.......I couldn't figure out why everyone was so rude/uninterested in getting to know me, as I consider myself a relatively nice/decent person. The kicker was when a large group of moms went out for lunch following the fifth group session......and nobody invited me. I sat in my car and cried like a baby. I quit the group and have not dealt with mommy politics since then. I have only one mom friend that I hang out with on a regular basis but that works for me right now.

Yes, OP...moms can be mean/cliquish/etc. due to no fault of your own. Please try not to let it bring you down and surround yourself with other moms and activities that are all-inclusive.

OP here. PP, I am so sorry that the moms in that group treated you that way! I am picturing you crying in your car (I've had those moments, too, BTW!) and I feel for you.

Some PPs wondered about whether the moms were actively calling to arrange meeting up at the playground. That definitely could be a possibility, but I really doubt it because, for one, the playground is right behind our houses - some of us can look out our windows and see it. So making calls to see if people want to meet up at the playground doesn't seem needed when most of us can just look out our windows to see if moms are there. Also, all of the moms arrive/leave at staggered times, or come and go, etc. It just doesn't seem like a set-up in which everyone else is arranging to meet every day via phone calls.

I do think, however, that it's possible that the host mom feels closer to the other moms because perhaps she has known them longer (I don't exactly know how long she has known the others, but she and I have known each other about 2 years). I think she just doesn't see me as part of her circle. It hurts, but I guess I can understand it. Although definitely, if it had been me planning my kid's party at the neighborhood hang-out, I would have invited the whole neighborhood gang - even the ones I didn't know as well as the others). I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt - that she just flaked out and didn't really think about it. But if that were the case, you would think that, when she saw me and my family arrive at the playground during the party, she would have had an "oh, crap - why didn't i think to invite them?!" moment, and then would have said to me (like, when we saw each other at the grocery store) something like, "I just wanted to apologize for not including you at the party, I totally spaced out on that one, I just wasn't thinking and I absent-mindedly left some names off the guest list, etc."
But her unapologetic demeanor during the party and since give me the impression that she just doesn't see me as part of the circle.

As you can see, I've already devoted way too much thought to this whole thing! I am really trying to forget it - I know I will soon, as some more time passes!

Anonymous wrote:As a working mom, this is a good example of the kind of thing that makes me happy I do (even though it is a tough choice daily!). It is so "high school", even if you have no idea if you were really excluded or not.

I feel for you, OP. Who knows what happened, but your feelings matter. Dwell on it for a bit, gain confidence from your supporters on DCUM, and move on, as other posters suggested.

Couldn't agree more! Another full-time working mom here. I got a taste of the cliqueish/high-school natures of moms, when I joined a mom's group during maternity leave. Nobody would give me the time of day.......I couldn't figure out why everyone was so rude/uninterested in getting to know me, as I consider myself a relatively nice/decent person. The kicker was when a large group of moms went out for lunch following the fifth group session......and nobody invited me. I sat in my car and cried like a baby. I quit the group and have not dealt with mommy politics since then. I have only one mom friend that I hang out with on a regular basis but that works for me right now.

Yes, OP...moms can be mean/cliquish/etc. due to no fault of your own. Please try not to let it bring you down and surround yourself with other moms and activities that are all-inclusive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I actually saw the host mom at the grocery store this morning. We chatted briefly (she was coming out as I was going in) and only really said something like hello, how are you.

I think I am reaching the conclusion that I am not considered a full member of the neighborhood group as I thought I was - at least not by this mom. I think she sees me as someone who shows up and is there, and therefore of course she'll make conversation with me, but she doesn't see me as a friend (and I guess she sees the others as friends). Maybe I come across as trying too hard? It's funny, because out of all of the moms in the group, i feel like she and I might have the most in common because we are both really into athletics, and played the same sport in college.

Anyway, thanks for the posts everyone.

OP, I know you want to put this all behind you and just move on, but your post here made me think of something. You don't know what you don't know. In other words, it may be that this host-mom calls and specifically invites other moms to the park each day (or when she is going) and it's not as casual as you think it is. And actually, maybe some of the other mothers do the same thing. She might like you enough and think you're nice, but in her head, you are not part of this invisible "inner circle" that she creates when she goes to the park. If you happen to be there when they are there, great. You're nice, they're nice back and you all strike up a conversation. But, there might be 3 or 4 of them that specifically call each other when they go to the park.

As a result, she called those moms and invited them to the b-day party - and thought nothing about excluding you because in her head, she calls them all the other times and when you see them there, you're not upset you weren't "invited" for other playdate/park get-togethers so why would this be any different.

I dunno - it just a thought.

this sounds like a very real possibility. are you close with any of the other moms in the group (i.e. close enough that you speak to them off the playground, independently)? if so, you could ask if there is some independent network among them that goes beyond just bumping into each other at the playground?

this makes sense. especially since the host mom acted like nothing was wrong when she saw you and only said a few words at the grocery store to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP, I know you want to put this all behind you and just move on, but your post here made me think of something. You don't know what you don't know. In other words, it may be that this host-mom calls and specifically invites other moms to the park each day (or when she is going) and it's not as casual as you think it is. And actually, maybe some of the other mothers do the same thing. She might like you enough and think you're nice, but in her head, you are not part of this invisible "inner circle" that she creates when she goes to the park. If you happen to be there when they are there, great. You're nice, they're nice back and you all strike up a conversation. But, there might be 3 or 4 of them that specifically call each other when they go to the park.

As a result, she called those moms and invited them to the b-day party - and thought nothing about excluding you because in her head, she calls them all the other times and when you see them there, you're not upset you weren't "invited" for other playdate/park get-togethers so why would this be any different.

I dunno - it just a thought.

this sounds like a very real possibility. are you close with any of the other moms in the group (i.e. close enough that you speak to them off the playground, independently)? if so, you could ask if there is some independent network among them that goes beyond just bumping into each other at the playground?

I agree. For example, one of the churches in my neighborhood sponsors a babysitting co-op with a set number of participants, mostly consisting of members of that church, but I believe there are some "outsiders" too. But they are all neighborhood moms who are frequently in the park together for co-op playdates.

Reading all of these posts just makes me depressed. As if being a mother isn't difficult enough.....now you have to deal with this garbage. It's just like high school....with children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I actually saw the host mom at the grocery store this morning. We chatted briefly (she was coming out as I was going in) and only really said something like hello, how are you.

I think I am reaching the conclusion that I am not considered a full member of the neighborhood group as I thought I was - at least not by this mom. I think she sees me as someone who shows up and is there, and therefore of course she'll make conversation with me, but she doesn't see me as a friend (and I guess she sees the others as friends). Maybe I come across as trying too hard? It's funny, because out of all of the moms in the group, i feel like she and I might have the most in common because we are both really into athletics, and played the same sport in college.

Anyway, thanks for the posts everyone.

OP, I know you want to put this all behind you and just move on, but your post here made me think of something. You don't know what you don't know. In other words, it may be that this host-mom calls and specifically invites other moms to the park each day (or when she is going) and it's not as casual as you think it is. And actually, maybe some of the other mothers do the same thing. She might like you enough and think you're nice, but in her head, you are not part of this invisible "inner circle" that she creates when she goes to the park. If you happen to be there when they are there, great. You're nice, they're nice back and you all strike up a conversation. But, there might be 3 or 4 of them that specifically call each other when they go to the park.

As a result, she called those moms and invited them to the b-day party - and thought nothing about excluding you because in her head, she calls them all the other times and when you see them there, you're not upset you weren't "invited" for other playdate/park get-togethers so why would this be any different.

I dunno - it just a thought.

this sounds like a very real possibility. are you close with any of the other moms in the group (i.e. close enough that you speak to them off the playground, independently)? if so, you could ask if there is some independent network among them that goes beyond just bumping into each other at the playground?

Another working mom here. I wish I could say it doesn't happen to working moms too, but earlier thsi year there were not one but two occasions where other kids got bday party invites in theri cubbies at daycare and DD got none. It was the same type of situation where I, like the OP, racked and racked my brain for a reason. Another mom had pulled her kid's invite out of the cubby and said something like, "Oh, look, an invitation to so-and-so's party!" and I reached my hand into DD's cubby and there was nothing there so I sort of joked, "Oh well, maybe ours got lost in the mail," but the other mom looked mortified and I did not say anything else. I really do not know why, I really don't. DD has since moved up to another class but the other kids will soon follow so I don't know if this situation will repeat itself or not. I always thought you don't give out invitations through the class unless you are inviting everyone, but, apparently, there are those who do not follow this rule. Shrug. So, anyway, this is all to say, sadly, I don't think this type of "high school"-ishness is just linked to SAHMs vs WOHMs, etc etc etc. Sigh.

They definitely should not have put the invites in the cubbies, that was wrong. We inivite the entire daycare class, but if we didn't, it wouldn't be because of any issues with the mothers of the kids that were not invited. DS has certain kids that are his "best friends" and if we wanted to have a smaller party, we would let him pick which friends he wanted to come. We would never exclude just one or two kids, but considered inviting only 4 or 5 of his closest friends to his most recent party for cost concern reasons and because we have a small house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I actually saw the host mom at the grocery store this morning. We chatted briefly (she was coming out as I was going in) and only really said something like hello, how are you.

I think I am reaching the conclusion that I am not considered a full member of the neighborhood group as I thought I was - at least not by this mom. I think she sees me as someone who shows up and is there, and therefore of course she'll make conversation with me, but she doesn't see me as a friend (and I guess she sees the others as friends). Maybe I come across as trying too hard? It's funny, because out of all of the moms in the group, i feel like she and I might have the most in common because we are both really into athletics, and played the same sport in college.

Anyway, thanks for the posts everyone.

OP, I know you want to put this all behind you and just move on, but your post here made me think of something. You don't know what you don't know. In other words, it may be that this host-mom calls and specifically invites other moms to the park each day (or when she is going) and it's not as casual as you think it is. And actually, maybe some of the other mothers do the same thing. She might like you enough and think you're nice, but in her head, you are not part of this invisible "inner circle" that she creates when she goes to the park. If you happen to be there when they are there, great. You're nice, they're nice back and you all strike up a conversation. But, there might be 3 or 4 of them that specifically call each other when they go to the park.

As a result, she called those moms and invited them to the b-day party - and thought nothing about excluding you because in her head, she calls them all the other times and when you see them there, you're not upset you weren't "invited" for other playdate/park get-togethers so why would this be any different.

I dunno - it just a thought.

Not the OP and yes, this could be it, but I still think that the mom/hostess should not have had the party at the park, where everyone in the neighborhood can go and can see that there is this party going on. It's so weird.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I actually saw the host mom at the grocery store this morning. We chatted briefly (she was coming out as I was going in) and only really said something like hello, how are you.

I think I am reaching the conclusion that I am not considered a full member of the neighborhood group as I thought I was - at least not by this mom. I think she sees me as someone who shows up and is there, and therefore of course she'll make conversation with me, but she doesn't see me as a friend (and I guess she sees the others as friends). Maybe I come across as trying too hard? It's funny, because out of all of the moms in the group, i feel like she and I might have the most in common because we are both really into athletics, and played the same sport in college.

Anyway, thanks for the posts everyone.

OP, I know you want to put this all behind you and just move on, but your post here made me think of something. You don't know what you don't know. In other words, it may be that this host-mom calls and specifically invites other moms to the park each day (or when she is going) and it's not as casual as you think it is. And actually, maybe some of the other mothers do the same thing. She might like you enough and think you're nice, but in her head, you are not part of this invisible "inner circle" that she creates when she goes to the park. If you happen to be there when they are there, great. You're nice, they're nice back and you all strike up a conversation. But, there might be 3 or 4 of them that specifically call each other when they go to the park.

As a result, she called those moms and invited them to the b-day party - and thought nothing about excluding you because in her head, she calls them all the other times and when you see them there, you're not upset you weren't "invited" for other playdate/park get-togethers so why would this be any different.

I dunno - it just a thought.

Anonymous wrote:As a working mom, this is a good example of the kind of thing that makes me happy I do (even though it is a tough choice daily!). It is so "high school", even if you have no idea if you were really excluded or not.

I feel for you, OP. Who knows what happened, but your feelings matter. Dwell on it for a bit, gain confidence from your supporters on DCUM, and move on, as other posters suggested.

Another working mom here. I wish I could say it doesn't happen to working moms too, but earlier thsi year there were not one but two occasions where other kids got bday party invites in theri cubbies at daycare and DD got none. It was the same type of situation where I, like the OP, racked and racked my brain for a reason. Another mom had pulled her kid's invite out of the cubby and said something like, "Oh, look, an invitation to so-and-so's party!" and I reached my hand into DD's cubby and there was nothing there so I sort of joked, "Oh well, maybe ours got lost in the mail," but the other mom looked mortified and I did not say anything else. I really do not know why, I really don't. DD has since moved up to another class but the other kids will soon follow so I don't know if this situation will repeat itself or not. I always thought you don't give out invitations through the class unless you are inviting everyone, but, apparently, there are those who do not follow this rule. Shrug. So, anyway, this is all to say, sadly, I don't think this type of "high school"-ishness is just linked to SAHMs vs WOHMs, etc etc etc. Sigh.

That's why I am going to try to just put this behind me and continue being friendly with her when I see her (which is on a regular basis). I really think this is a case of her just not really considering me as part of the group. Maybe she just feels she needs to know me for longer

I think you are exactly right. Be polite and friendly, and invite the child to your child's party. You may never be best friends, but being the bigger person is the way to go.

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. PP, I wasn't the poster you quoted (the "Uhhh" poster) but I do agree with her that I don't think sending a note would make sense in this situation - if anything, it would make sense for me to ask her in person. But I prefer not to do this, for a couple of reasons. For one, I don't want to make her uncomfortable or cause tension by asking her to produce a reason for excluding my family. Secondly, I have thought about it a good amount and I really don't see anything that I could have said or done that would have offended her so deeply as to prompt her to openly exclude us in this way. A note might be appropriate under other circumstances, but I don't think it would be good here.

I get your point, though, about chewing gristle instead of trying to save a friendship. That's why I am going to try to just put this behind me and continue being friendly with her when I see her (which is on a regular basis). I really think this is a case of her just not really considering me as part of the group. Maybe she just feels she needs to know me for longer.

As long as you don't just let the friendship die and try to uphold your part of it, that's a good alternative. Good luck. I hope she responds better to you in the future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would get a small card (either blank or "Thinking of You") and write a quick note saying that you just wanted to say that if there was anything that you or your child had done that had upset this person, to please let you know and leave your e-mail address). Then go on with life as usual. Either, she'll tell you if there is something wrong, or you just assume that you aren't as close as you thought. But this does cover the case that you or your child may have done something that chilled the relationship.

I think this would be over the top, and would come across as whiny. And then she could show others.

Invite her to your party. Be gracious. That's all you can do.

+1

As a working mom, this is a good example of the kind of thing that makes me happy I do (even though it is a tough choice daily!). It is so "high school", even if you have no idea if you were really excluded or not.

I feel for you, OP. Who knows what happened, but your feelings matter. Dwell on it for a bit, gain confidence from your supporters on DCUM, and move on, as other posters suggested.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would get a small card (either blank or "Thinking of You") and write a quick note saying that you just wanted to say that if there was anything that you or your child had done that had upset this person, to please let you know and leave your e-mail address). Then go on with life as usual. Either, she'll tell you if there is something wrong, or you just assume that you aren't as close as you thought. But this does cover the case that you or your child may have done something that chilled the relationship.

Uhhh, no do not do that! Sounds way too desperate.

I'm always amazed. So, you'll sit around and just randomly guess if you might have done something that irritated or annoyed her, but you would never suggest that you want to apologize/make it up to her if you did. Okay, if you don't want to send a card, try saying this in person. I hate women who play these games. I won't ask, but I'll sit in misery for 6-10 years and chew my own gristle over the lost friendship when I could have said something years and years ago and resumed this friendship that meant more to me than I'm willing to admit. Great.

OP here. PP, I wasn't the poster you quoted (the "Uhhh" poster) but I do agree with her that I don't think sending a note would make sense in this situation - if anything, it would make sense for me to ask her in person. But I prefer not to do this, for a couple of reasons. For one, I don't want to make her uncomfortable or cause tension by asking her to produce a reason for excluding my family. Secondly, I have thought about it a good amount and I really don't see anything that I could have said or done that would have offended her so deeply as to prompt her to openly exclude us in this way. A note might be appropriate under other circumstances, but I don't think it would be good here.

I get your point, though, about chewing gristle instead of trying to save a friendship. That's why I am going to try to just put this behind me and continue being friendly with her when I see her (which is on a regular basis). I really think this is a case of her just not really considering me as part of the group. Maybe she just feels she needs to know me for longer.