Anonymous
06/12/2012 16:09
Subject: What makes your marriage miserable?
I tell him again and again what I want and he just doesn't care to do it. There is no abuse, just apathy and slight neglect.
Anonymous
06/12/2012 15:37
Subject: What makes your marriage miserable?
Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad I started reading this forum and this thread in particular. I don't feel like I'm alone in this misery anymore.
My marriage misery stems from an unholy combo of many of the things previous posters have mentioned. In no particular order:
-My husband constantly finds fault with me and seems intent on cutting me down to size.
-He has anger issues that are helped by antidepressants, but the meds make him sleepy and zombie-like. He sleeps from 9pm to 7 am every night and claims he is still tired, then gripes at me if I want to take a 1-hour nap on a saturday.
-He is a loving, but totally passive and permissive parent who lets our child walk all over him.
-He has gained almost 100 lbs since we got married and is addicted to food. Blood pressure meds add to his sleepiness. He won't exercise because he is too tired, or it's too hot or too cold outside, or there is too much pollen in the air (oh yeah, allergy meds also make him tired).
-We both work full time and supposedly split child care and household duties 50/50. Yeah. Right.
-I love him and I am attracted to him when he is being sweet and genuine and not tearing me down. Even with the extra weight. But most of the time he is either mean or asleep or being a frustratingly incompetent parent, all of which erode emotional intimacy. He insists that he needs sex every single day and doesn't understand that he can't treat me like shit and then expect sex. He goes online and looks at porn if I don't put out. I let him do this because I don't want him to be miserable, in fact I encourage it when he is hounding me for sex just so he will leave me alone.
- I realize now that I made a mistake but there is nothing I can do about it. I won't destroy our lives by getting a divorce or cheating. I thought I loved him. There was passion in the beginning, I thought, but maybe I was just happy because he was the first man who genuinely wanted to be with me and get to know me. I see now that I was totally self-serving and didn't think about what kind of relationship he needed and deserved.
What? This sounds like MY marriage! My DH also sleeps 8:30 to 6:30 a.m., is on antidepressants, zombie-like, except he has NO SEX drive (I am the poster from the husband hasn't initiated in a year thread......) I actually think divorce should be on the table, here. How can you stay in a marriage like this? How old is your child? Life is too short to be miserable. I feel like we should start a kibbutz in a cool row house somewhere and all LEAVE our crappy situations! God it is depressing. I just don't have the finances to leave.. .but seriously this dynamic is just showing our kids a miserable marriage dynamic which will mess them up even more when they are old enough to "get it."
Anonymous
06/11/2012 23:39
Subject: What makes your marriage miserable?
I'm so glad I started reading this forum and this thread in particular. I don't feel like I'm alone in this misery anymore.
My marriage misery stems from an unholy combo of many of the things previous posters have mentioned. In no particular order:
-My husband constantly finds fault with me and seems intent on cutting me down to size.
-He has anger issues that are helped by antidepressants, but the meds make him sleepy and zombie-like. He sleeps from 9pm to 7 am every night and claims he is still tired, then gripes at me if I want to take a 1-hour nap on a saturday.
-He is a loving, but totally passive and permissive parent who lets our child walk all over him.
-He has gained almost 100 lbs since we got married and is addicted to food. Blood pressure meds add to his sleepiness. He won't exercise because he is too tired, or it's too hot or too cold outside, or there is too much pollen in the air (oh yeah, allergy meds also make him tired).
-We both work full time and supposedly split child care and household duties 50/50. Yeah. Right.
-I love him and I am attracted to him when he is being sweet and genuine and not tearing me down. Even with the extra weight. But most of the time he is either mean or asleep or being a frustratingly incompetent parent, all of which erode emotional intimacy. He insists that he needs sex every single day and doesn't understand that he can't treat me like shit and then expect sex. He goes online and looks at porn if I don't put out. I let him do this because I don't want him to be miserable, in fact I encourage it when he is hounding me for sex just so he will leave me alone.
- I realize now that I made a mistake but there is nothing I can do about it. I won't destroy our lives by getting a divorce or cheating. I thought I loved him. There was passion in the beginning, I thought, but maybe I was just happy because he was the first man who genuinely wanted to be with me and get to know me. I see now that I was totally self-serving and didn't think about what kind of relationship he needed and deserved.
My marriage misery stems from an unholy combo of many of the things previous posters have mentioned. In no particular order:
-My husband constantly finds fault with me and seems intent on cutting me down to size.
-He has anger issues that are helped by antidepressants, but the meds make him sleepy and zombie-like. He sleeps from 9pm to 7 am every night and claims he is still tired, then gripes at me if I want to take a 1-hour nap on a saturday.
-He is a loving, but totally passive and permissive parent who lets our child walk all over him.
-He has gained almost 100 lbs since we got married and is addicted to food. Blood pressure meds add to his sleepiness. He won't exercise because he is too tired, or it's too hot or too cold outside, or there is too much pollen in the air (oh yeah, allergy meds also make him tired).
-We both work full time and supposedly split child care and household duties 50/50. Yeah. Right.
-I love him and I am attracted to him when he is being sweet and genuine and not tearing me down. Even with the extra weight. But most of the time he is either mean or asleep or being a frustratingly incompetent parent, all of which erode emotional intimacy. He insists that he needs sex every single day and doesn't understand that he can't treat me like shit and then expect sex. He goes online and looks at porn if I don't put out. I let him do this because I don't want him to be miserable, in fact I encourage it when he is hounding me for sex just so he will leave me alone.
- I realize now that I made a mistake but there is nothing I can do about it. I won't destroy our lives by getting a divorce or cheating. I thought I loved him. There was passion in the beginning, I thought, but maybe I was just happy because he was the first man who genuinely wanted to be with me and get to know me. I see now that I was totally self-serving and didn't think about what kind of relationship he needed and deserved.
Anonymous
06/11/2012 23:05
Subject: Re:What makes your marriage miserable?
Anonymous wrote:
I just married for the wrong reasons...I married for security, stability, I married the "nice guy" "old faithful". We have no passion, we never will. I just don't have that chemistry with him. He makes a great friend, but has never been my lover. Critical error that I will live with forever.
+1
I love him, though, and wouldn't say my marriage is miserable. I also wouldn't say I settled, but he is my best friend. Sometimes I'd like coffee with my friends and passion with my husband rather than vice versa. Not that I'm cheating, nor would I, but the only passion we have is via fighting and flirting with the barista only goes so far.
Anonymous
06/11/2012 22:51
Subject: Re:What makes your marriage miserable?
Anonymous wrote:Husband's laziness and passivity.
YES
Anonymous
06/07/2012 18:48
Subject: What makes your marriage miserable?
12:54 (yesterday) here again... Did you notice that you didn't answer any of my questions? For the record, I don't come anywhere close to having a "miserable" marriage. But, my husband could easily and without shame answer any of the questions that I posed of you.
So, as I said, before spewing off everything that you feel women do wrong in marriages, you need to look in your own mirror. I would love it if you started by answering the questions I asked.
I can't take you seriously... at all.. I can't even pretend, until I know what kind of husband you are. But, given your views on women, and how they're the fault of all, I can only imagine..
So, as I said, before spewing off everything that you feel women do wrong in marriages, you need to look in your own mirror. I would love it if you started by answering the questions I asked.
I can't take you seriously... at all.. I can't even pretend, until I know what kind of husband you are. But, given your views on women, and how they're the fault of all, I can only imagine..
Anonymous
06/07/2012 16:36
Subject: What makes your marriage miserable?
Anonymous wrote:
I notice you didn't answer any of these questions. Enough with the platitudes - how about some specifics?
"What decisions should men make? What decisions should women make? Is it first-come, first served, or are there clear distinctions in their areas of responsibility? Is there any overlap?
"
Surely you realize it is not that simple. Decisions are not made based upon gender, they are made based upon circumstances in that relationship.
However, if you wish to take it to that extreme- should a husband decide if his wife is or is not going to give birth with medication? That would be no. That is not his place.
Likewise, should a wife decide that her husband is going to have a vasectomy? Umm probably not. While opinions on both subjects should be welcomed and discussions are fine, but when it comes down to it, one person should make the decision.
Less extreme examples would be what the kids eat for lunch. Who should decide? Well, who is making the lunch? Who has to deal with the effects of eating the lunch? There is not a one size fits all process. But there are circumstances when one or the other needs to sit down, listen, and be quiet.
In many cases, women need to relax and stop treating men like they are bumbling idiots who can't accomplish anything but bringing a paycheck, drinking beer, and ejaculating. But when you treat men like that, that is how they start to act.
Do you help your wife around the house without her having to ask?
My points really aren't that difficult to understand, but I do admit that it's hard to implement. We live in a "me, me, me, I am the boss" society instead of one where kindness, selflessness, and compassion are king. And unfortunately because of society's history of treating women poorly, in many cases they are trying to overcompensate by being crass, contentious, and unpleasant souls.
But keep doing it your way. It's really working out for the state of marriages. Or you could change your attitude.
Anonymous
06/07/2012 10:27
Subject: Re:What makes your marriage miserable?
The degradation of myself...from an abusive, recovering alcoholic whose tyranny has fucked up the kids AND me.
Anonymous
06/07/2012 10:05
Subject: What makes your marriage miserable?
Sorry for missing that, comment hit too close to home. lol
Anonymous
06/07/2012 09:41
Subject: What makes your marriage miserable?
9:35 I was kidding.
Anonymous
06/07/2012 09:35
Subject: What makes your marriage miserable?
That is a tough one, but he can't be happy if you feel no passion for him, and probably assumes that it is things he is doing wrong, rather than the fact you have no chemistry for him and never have.
A passionless marriage can certainly work, but I think only if both partners accept that life and have ways of dealing with it. Not really fair to impose that sacrifice on him, especially if, as is likely, he has no idea how you really feel about him.
A passionless marriage can certainly work, but I think only if both partners accept that life and have ways of dealing with it. Not really fair to impose that sacrifice on him, especially if, as is likely, he has no idea how you really feel about him.
Anonymous
06/07/2012 09:00
Subject: What makes your marriage miserable?
But if I told DH, then I might have to do something about it. There goes the stability, safety....
Anonymous
06/07/2012 08:47
Subject: Re:What makes your marriage miserable?
Anonymous wrote:
I just married for the wrong reasons...I married for security, stability, I married the "nice guy" "old faithful". We have no passion, we never will. I just don't have that chemistry with him. He makes a great friend, but has never been my lover. Critical error that I will live with forever.
Does he know you feel this way? As painful as it would be to hear, I would much rather hear this from my DW straight up then live in a marriage where I am always trying to work on issues in the relationship, to improve our ability to connect with passion, when it is simply not there for her and never will be.
Anonymous
06/07/2012 08:27
Subject: What makes your marriage miserable?
Flame away. Guess I just don't know my place.
Anonymous
06/07/2012 08:26
Subject: What makes your marriage miserable?
Oh and maybe if he was communicative, tried to stay in shape and was nice, I might get over the snoring.