OP: I know some folks just don't like to host, but what happens is - it makes me think they don't like us or want to be friends. When I do all the inviting and all the hosting, and they seem to have a great time, I feel good. Then, when I don't hear from them, I feel bad and wonder, maybe I misread the cues, maybe they don't want to be friends. People just don't extend themselves. When people don't reciprocate, I get gun-shy and don't really feel like having any more playdates or cook outs. I host less and less. One friend recently said to me, hey are you guys having a cook out this summer? And I wanted to say - why don't you host one so we can see that new addition that you built 5 years ago and we have never seen?

I am a frequent host. It really annoys me that so few people reciprocate. It doesn't have to be in the same way but don't be the couple who ate a million meals at our house and proclaimed they wanted to take us out to dinner and then when we went out, we split the check. And don't be the other couple who always dines at our house and the one time we're at theirs, they ask for a contribution to their take out order. We don't have more money than they (usually less) -- we just prioritize sharing. Also, I feel like people don't really want to be friends if they don't invite us over to their house. Is that true? Non-hosters -- what do you think? Our house is usually messy -- who cares. I don't care if yours is. I will happily eat mac 'n cheese if the company is good. Get over yourselves.

I never host - our townhouse is tiny - 800sq ft total. With 2 adults and one 5 yr old adding in just another adult and the house feels overflowing! I have tried to host once in the past and it was pretty uncomfortable - for me as the hosts and for the guests who really had no room to move around and socialize.

I have another friend who never hosts bc she is a hoarder. She fears that if she lets anyone in the house they will report her to CPS.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, but I can't STAND people like you who keep score and feel owed when it comes to social engagements. Stop inviting people over if it's become such a burden. People are busy.

Sorry, social obligation is not a tit for tat, but DON"T except if you don't plan to reciprocate. (Not OP) but I have an acquaintance who accepts dozens of invites and never extends an invite. JUST Don't accept if you don't want to reciprocate. That is the best way to go.

No wonder why some people just can't seem to make friends and are constantly moaning on here.

Honestly, I have not a single problem finding friends. I host parties and expect nothing in return. I don't expect you to bring something, I don't expect a TY note, and I don't expect you to reciprocate. All I ask is that you come to my home and make yourself comfortable. When you are open, not critical, and don't harbor judgement, then friendships will grow organically into meaningful exchanges.

I totally want to be friends with you.

16:15 post here.

I certainly agree with you. Not everyone is up to having people over and you indeed sound like a great friend. What I meant in my post was for the people who would just flat out say that they were happy to go to people's houses but somehow did not want to be bothered with having teh same people over.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is amazing to see so many people on this website who think that it is OK to go to people's houses and enjoy their hospitality and then turn their backs and say that to reciprocate is "keeping scores". Ouch!

For all of you "I-don't-want-to-invite-your-three-kids" to my home, reciprocity is the basis of a relationship, between humans, between families. No wonder so many people are on anxiety pills around here. The inability to give in (contribute to) a relationship is mind-blowing.

I completely disagree that just because you don't want to host, you're unable to contribute to a relationship.

I am actually a pretty great friend. I'll help out when needed, I've watched friends' kids for them, I'll run errands, help friends move, etc. But, I am just not cut out to host parties. It's just not my thing. That doesn't make me a bad person or a bad friend.

And, my friends understand that! They appreciate the other things that I do or have done for them over the years. Honestly, it seems ridiculous to me to base a friendship on 'how many times X has invited us over'. There are lots of other things involved in maintaining a friendship.

The only people who keep score like this are people that don't have real friends.

Anonymous wrote:It is amazing to see so many people on this website who think that it is OK to go to people's houses and enjoy their hospitality and then turn their backs and say that to reciprocate is "keeping scores". Ouch!

For all of you "I-don't-want-to-invite-your-three-kids" to my home, reciprocity is the basis of a relationship, between humans, between families. No wonder so many people are on anxiety pills around here. The inability to give in (contribute to) a relationship is mind-blowing.

I completely disagree that just because you don't want to host, you're unable to contribute to a relationship.

I am actually a pretty great friend. I'll help out when needed, I've watched friends' kids for them, I'll run errands, help friends move, etc. But, I am just not cut out to host parties. It's just not my thing. That doesn't make me a bad person or a bad friend.

And, my friends understand that! They appreciate the other things that I do or have done for them over the years. Honestly, it seems ridiculous to me to base a friendship on 'how many times X has invited us over'. There are lots of other things involved in maintaining a friendship.

Anonymous wrote:Stop keeping score, OP.

I agree with this. I really don't like having people over. It's just not my thing. I'll always invite friends to do things 'with' us - meet at a playground, go to a fair, go to an event. But, I rarely invite people over.

I'm happy when someone invites me over and I'll bring something along, but don't hold your breath waiting for me to reciprocate. For the most part, my friends seem to be okay with that.

People are just different. If it bugs you that much, stop inviting people over. If you truly enjoy hosting, then just enjoy it!

16:15 - Exactly! Welcome to D.C. - Spin City indeed! It gets really tiresome.

It is amazing to see so many people on this website who think that it is OK to go to people's houses and enjoy their hospitality and then turn their backs and say that to reciprocate is "keeping scores". Ouch!

For all of you "I-don't-want-to-invite-your-three-kids" to my home, reciprocity is the basis of a relationship, between humans, between families. No wonder so many people are on anxiety pills around here. The inability to give in (contribute to) a relationship is mind-blowing.

OP, I hear you. It would hurt my feelings too. I don't see it as keeping scores as some PPs stated. It's about feeling that your enjoyment of their companies is reciprocated, that friendship is a two-way endeavor, that you'd like to enjoy your friends without having to be the hostess each time... I HEAR YOU!

Cheer up though and don't take it personally. Sometime, it's best to refocus your energy and not care as much.

OP, it is definitely not you. This area can be very selfish and lazy. I have a friend with a new house (not big, just new) and most moms (jealous maybe?) try to put upon them, but the friends have learned and stopped asking those who do not reciprocate. It is the invitees loss, as the friends served great kid food and the kids had a blast a fun mom who knows kids! Funny, even some of the parents expected to be fed - siblings too! It was laughable. I can't really blame her, how long can you go on when it is so obviously one sided? People get tired of feeling walked on after a while. After all, its not free day care! Some people take being nice and/or generous the wrong way here. Try to find people more like you, I know its hard.

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is not you. You are very good with your friends.

We were those people who did not host for years . The house was a wreck and it was too cramped. We remodeled a couple of years ago, now we host again, usually one family at a time except holiday parties. I do not invite people back after a couple of times if they did not invite us back. I assume that we are not that interesting to them and do not want to force the friendship.

I think that is a good rule.

OP, it is not you. You are very good with your friends.

We were those people who did not host for years . The house was a wreck and it was too cramped. We remodeled a couple of years ago, now we host again, usually one family at a time except holiday parties. I do not invite people back after a couple of times if they did not invite us back. I assume that we are not that interesting to them and do not want to force the friendship.

Anonymous wrote:Heavy Hoster PP is out of their mind. I know the type. Happy to accept the invites, but any excuse not to reciprocate. OP, I feel you. You are not alone. I was thinking recently what day care would have cost for some *lazy* people over the years, the ones I have been happy to recently drop. They are such users! It's not that difficult. I'm sorry you had to recently determine this, as did I. We had such little expectations, too.

What are you talking about? I am the one doing the inviting almost all the time. But, I can't accommodate a family with three boys in my condo.