Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op just know you will get opinions all across the board depending on their familial situation. I’m not sure it will really help you with yours. But you do not sound like you at ready and willing, and honestly maybe just best to give it a little more time (I just had a baby at 41 which I never thought I’d do but it’s okay).

I have 4, so likely not helpful to you. But I did just want one when I had my first. She was a totally easy baby and I didn’t want to rock the boat. Well I got pregnancy while on birth control when she was 8mos old so the decision was made for me. The first couple years were insanely tough and I had help and a great husband.

Now they are 11 and 12 and play all the time. Then I went on to have two more so who knows how I will feel.

My mom was an only child and did go on to have a big family bc she was lonely growing up. But that was also her specific situation.

Can I ask how old your younger two are and the larger dynamic? I have the same spacing for my two (DD 18 months, DS 3 months) and always say I'll have no more or two more. I am soooo curious about the relationship with your older two, are they very close? Thank you for any insight!

The older two (girls) are best of friends worst of enemies...16mos and love each other to death, sometimes literally. It’s a very interesting bond. They do keep each other engaged for hours and play similar sports and read the same books, so it’s nice to have them entertain each other. Built in playmates all the time for tennis skiing camps etc.

I then have a 3rd that’s 4/3 years younger and she’s adored by both big sisters but def younger and doesn’t get included a lot . My husband and I find we have to entertain her a lot.

Surprise baby 7yrs younger than #3. He’s a few months old and a total joy but I have no idea what’s is store. He will very much be like an only child.

But I think my husband (and me in a different sense) will really enjoy the difference in raising him (only boy and much younger).

If I had to plan it all out I would have love the younger two to be much closer in age. That sounds fun!
It’s hard in the younger years but I have seen how great it is for family dynamics to have siblings to play with (and negotiate with).

Anonymous wrote:Op just know you will get opinions all across the board depending on their familial situation. I’m not sure it will really help you with yours. But you do not sound like you at ready and willing, and honestly maybe just best to give it a little more time (I just had a baby at 41 which I never thought I’d do but it’s okay).

I have 4, so likely not helpful to you. But I did just want one when I had my first. She was a totally easy baby and I didn’t want to rock the boat. Well I got pregnancy while on birth control when she was 8mos old so the decision was made for me. The first couple years were insanely tough and I had help and a great husband.

Now they are 11 and 12 and play all the time. Then I went on to have two more so who knows how I will feel.

My mom was an only child and did go on to have a big family bc she was lonely growing up. But that was also her specific situation.

Can I ask how old your younger two are and the larger dynamic? I have the same spacing for my two (DD 18 months, DS 3 months) and always say I'll have no more or two more. I am soooo curious about the relationship with your older two, are they very close? Thank you for any insight!

This thread is 8 years old. I wonder what OP decided.

Op just know you will get opinions all across the board depending on their familial situation. I’m not sure it will really help you with yours. But you do not sound like you at ready and willing, and honestly maybe just best to give it a little more time (I just had a baby at 41 which I never thought I’d do but it’s okay).

I have 4, so likely not helpful to you. But I did just want one when I had my first. She was a totally easy baby and I didn’t want to rock the boat. Well I got pregnancy while on birth control when she was 8mos old so the decision was made for me. The first couple years were insanely tough and I had help and a great husband.

Now they are 11 and 12 and play all the time. Then I went on to have two more so who knows how I will feel.

My mom was an only child and did go on to have a big family bc she was lonely growing up. But that was also her specific situation.

Anonymous wrote:In life you regret the things you did not do, not the things you did.
Once that 2nd baby comes, it just is so amazing and wonderful

Eh, not always. A friend was debating a third and ended up with unplanned twins. They also have high needs older kids and everyone in the family has really suffered since the last two were born. Just not enough time and money to go around, even though they are wonderful parents and the kids are really good (if difficult) kids. They got a LOT of toxic positivity when she announced her pregnancy and it was a load of crap. Things did not work out and they're not so glad it happened the way it did. A second child is (usually) different from a surprise third and fourth, but this PP stinks of the same toxic positivity my friend got.

OP, I don't think people generally regret having a second, but it's smart to think it through before jumping in. Assuming fertility isn't a concern that you know of, you can make life much easier by going for a bigger age gap. No need to stick with the typical 2.5 year spacing just because everyone else does.

My only regret is that with two I can’t afford private school. We are really screwed now that the schools are closed. I could afford to send one to private but not both. I feel awful that my kids won’t get an education this year. They are K and 2nd and DL just doesn’t work for this age.

No. Our first has special needs and we rolled the dice to have the experience of a normal child in our family. That second child is a such a source of fun, drama and hectic activity in our lives! She engages and socializes our oldest as well, which is wonderful.

I wanted to stop at one, but well, they just keep on coming. Throughout my whole entire second pregnancy I was unhappy about it. But when my son was born, everything changed in a good way. He was easy as a baby, he has become such a sweet loving kid and now is also a great brother to his younger sibling. My third is not so easy, but she's so fun, spunky and a real funny personality for a toddler.
If there's anything you can learn from having multiple kids and surviving them, it's that you are capable of handling more than you think. And they are all so different and add to the world in their own ways. It's remarkable to witness it. Also it can definitely get easier as they get older. It can get harder too, but we will deal. My oldest is 16 now.

Our kids are 2 years, 4 months apart, which is way too close for me, personally. Our oldest is about to turn 6 and our youngest will be 4 in December. I have regretted having more than one kid many times. It has been a long, hard road. When I just have one kid, they are easy as pie. Cooperative, no arguing, competing, no chaos... it is heavenly. However, when my youngest turned 3.5 things started to get a wee bit easier... just recently... and I would say I don't regret having more than one child anymore. A new revelation!

No regrets - parents of only one kid find themselves desperate to find play dates and tend to focus too intensely on that one child, which can easily go south if not kept in check. I’ve seen some kids turn out really badly.

Anonymous wrote:Doesn’t how easy it is depend on the spacing of the kids?

I agree with this. Our 2 DDs are 4 years apart, and I am a SAHM and had partial help when they were young. I never feel stressed, it's more about figuring out logistics on a daily basis of who picks up and drops off whom (although not the past 5 months under covid!). It helps however that my 2nd is the best possible little person any parent could dream of: healthy so far, slept through the night since she was a newborn, eats everything, up for any activity, plays great with everyone and but happy to play by herself too, smart, sweet and loving. My friends with closer spacings seem a lot more stressed.

Doesn’t how easy it is depend on the spacing of the kids?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are planning for #3 and aren't feeling overwhelmed. If it were up to me, I'd have been pregnant before our DC's 2nd and 4th birthdays which just occurred.

Having our first was waaaay more overwhelming due to life circumstances (lost my mum) and the fact that I was suddenly responsible for a little human. It's easy to get wrapped up in a child's minutiae with one, and having more children lets you take a step back and not micromanage your children. JMO, based on my experience and the parents of singletons I know.

Isnt this likely the cause of birth order differences and why a second child is so often a screw up? Having someone all wrapped up in the child's minutiae and them more relaxed once #2 comes around seems to regularly produce hig achieving first born children and screw up second borns.....

In my experience, first borns are high achieving but also intense, willful, neurotic at times, with a lesser self control.... Subsequent kids tend to be more relaxed, social, generally happier people and more pleasant to be around, but yes, less "successful" too. I am the first born, by the way.

i regret not being an only child in a different family

The transition from zero kids to one kid was hard for me, but I found it to be as I (kind of) expected - exhausting, lifechanging, invigorating, etc.

When we had #2, I figured it would be easier, because I knew what I was in for.

I was totally wrong.

I got PPD. Baby #2 was a horrible sleeper. DC#1 was incredibly jealous and started throwing fits. I questioned whether I had ruined our lives.

Fast forward 18 months, and baby #2 is the love of my life (as well as DC1), and I wouldn't have it any other way. Yes, the initial phase takes getting used to. But it's a long life. And for the majority of it, you will be so grateful for the two.