Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not that interested in sex. I would love to know that we could hug and cuddle and but whenever we do he gets revved up. I guess I'm glad that he still wants to have sex but it is a burden. If it could be a quick 15 minute affair then I could go for it but he wants long drawn out episodes. Frankly, I'm too tired.

Long poster back. This post could have been me prior to my husband's cheating episode. Seeing his advances as a burden, as one more thing on the long list of things to do and people who want something from me. If sex is something important to your husband, I STRONGLY suggest ou figure out a way to get over this "your physical advances are annoying to me" attitude and figure out a way (together I mean - talk to him) for you to see him as a place of comfort and fun and good feelings instead of another person who is demanding more than you can give. The only thing that woke ME up to this realization was him looking elsewhere.

This is so very true, and I am glad I learned it early on in my relationship so I could hopefully avoid a bad situation. However, I still get annoyed at the perception that the preferences of the higher desire spouse should always be the most important. Youhave to compromise to make sure sex is good for the lower desire partner. I want it about 2x per week, and having to have sex every day would ruin the build up for me. You have to meet in the middle. Nobody's sexual "needs" take priority.

But when the lower desire partner is even less than the twice per week that you desire, lower then once per month, then that is the person that has to compromise with the higher libido partner. Imagine you wanting it 2xweek and your partner happy with 2xmonth and you feeling the rejection of your advances the other 6 times you want a little nookie.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not that interested in sex. I would love to know that we could hug and cuddle and but whenever we do he gets revved up. I guess I'm glad that he still wants to have sex but it is a burden. If it could be a quick 15 minute affair then I could go for it but he wants long drawn out episodes. Frankly, I'm too tired.

Long poster back. This post could have been me prior to my husband's cheating episode. Seeing his advances as a burden, as one more thing on the long list of things to do and people who want something from me. If sex is something important to your husband, I STRONGLY suggest ou figure out a way to get over this "your physical advances are annoying to me" attitude and figure out a way (together I mean - talk to him) for you to see him as a place of comfort and fun and good feelings instead of another person who is demanding more than you can give. The only thing that woke ME up to this realization was him looking elsewhere.

This is so very true, and I am glad I learned it early on in my relationship so I could hopefully avoid a bad situation. However, I still get annoyed at the perception that the preferences of the higher desire spouse should always be the most important. Youhave to compromise to make sure sex is good for the lower desire partner. I want it about 2x per week, and having to have sex every day would ruin the build up for me. You have to meet in the middle. Nobody's sexual "needs" take priority.

Totally agree. I think I talked about this a little in a previous post, but this is something we've both had to work on. I, for example, know that I really do enjoy the sex as soon as I get started. So I've worked on initiating or going along with it for those first 5 mins and them I'm like this is great! I've had to work on giving him more daily affection when that's not my normal inclination. It just doesn't occur to me. He, for his part, has committed to working on not feeling rejected if I do tell him I need alone time, making sure he's contributed enough so that I can relax, and focusing on making me feel sexy and beautiful with compliments, etc (which sounds cliche, but it's hard to feel sexy when you're mothering young kids as we all know). He makes an effort to TELL me I look hot instead of just coming up to kiss me, etc. anyway my point is we have both made a sincere effort to learn about each other and accept our differences.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not that interested in sex. I would love to know that we could hug and cuddle and but whenever we do he gets revved up. I guess I'm glad that he still wants to have sex but it is a burden. If it could be a quick 15 minute affair then I could go for it but he wants long drawn out episodes. Frankly, I'm too tired.

Long poster back. This post could have been me prior to my husband's cheating episode. Seeing his advances as a burden, as one more thing on the long list of things to do and people who want something from me. If sex is something important to your husband, I STRONGLY suggest ou figure out a way to get over this "your physical advances are annoying to me" attitude and figure out a way (together I mean - talk to him) for you to see him as a place of comfort and fun and good feelings instead of another person who is demanding more than you can give. The only thing that woke ME up to this realization was him looking elsewhere.

This is so very true, and I am glad I learned it early on in my relationship so I could hopefully avoid a bad situation. However, I still get annoyed at the perception that the preferences of the higher desire spouse should always be the most important. Youhave to compromise to make sure sex is good for the lower desire partner. I want it about 2x per week, and having to have sex every day would ruin the build up for me. You have to meet in the middle. Nobody's sexual "needs" take priority.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not that interested in sex. I would love to know that we could hug and cuddle and but whenever we do he gets revved up. I guess I'm glad that he still wants to have sex but it is a burden. If it could be a quick 15 minute affair then I could go for it but he wants long drawn out episodes. Frankly, I'm too tired.

Long poster back. This post could have been me prior to my husband's cheating episode. Seeing his advances as a burden, as one more thing on the long list of things to do and people who want something from me. If sex is something important to your husband, I STRONGLY suggest ou figure out a way to get over this "your physical advances are annoying to me" attitude and figure out a way (together I mean - talk to him) for you to see him as a place of comfort and fun and good feelings instead of another person who is demanding more than you can give. The only thing that woke ME up to this realization was him looking elsewhere.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If I was withholding due to a medical issue (undergoing some kind of rigorous treatment, had surgery or something), my husband would understand. It would suck, but he would understand, and would not stray.

Please don't attack me...but, what if it was like 3-5 years? or chronic, with no hope of ever having sex again?

I am that PP. Years, he could probably handle. No hope ever again? I would probably, as much as it would pain me, give him permission to seek sex outside of the marriage on the condition that he was discreet so that I/our friends and family would not have it in our face and he would not develop relationships. Just sex, nothing else.

This sounds good in theory but it is far from foolproof. What if a big part of love for a sensual person is being with someone who truly desires him? How could you force the resulting emotions to stay neatly in a little box? The best sex is always about the freedom to be completely yourself, the shared vulnerability that is the deepest possible exposure followed by complete acceptance in a partner. It's such a feeling of intense relief, joy, rightness. Who could fail to be moved?

Well, it is not like that for everyone. And if it is for you, there is a good case that you should work hard on compromising on the amount of sex - maybe you only get it 50% as often as you'd like.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If I was withholding due to a medical issue (undergoing some kind of rigorous treatment, had surgery or something), my husband would understand. It would suck, but he would understand, and would not stray.

Please don't attack me...but, what if it was like 3-5 years? or chronic, with no hope of ever having sex again?

I am that PP. Years, he could probably handle. No hope ever again? I would probably, as much as it would pain me, give him permission to seek sex outside of the marriage on the condition that he was discreet so that I/our friends and family would not have it in our face and he would not develop relationships. Just sex, nothing else.

This sounds good in theory but it is far from foolproof. What if a big part of love for a sensual person is being with someone who truly desires him? How could you force the resulting emotions to stay neatly in a little box? The best sex is always about the freedom to be completely yourself, the shared vulnerability that is the deepest possible exposure followed by complete acceptance in a partner. It's such a feeling of intense relief, joy, rightness. Who could fail to be moved?

Anonymous wrote:I think this may be the best thread ever, seriously helpful

OP here. Thanks! I am finding it very useful too. Sexless threads usually focus on the internal life of the denied spouse but both sides need to be fully heard.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not that interested in sex. I would love to know that we could hug and cuddle and but whenever we do he gets revved up. I guess I'm glad that he still wants to have sex but it is a burden. If it could be a quick 15 minute affair then I could go for it but he wants long drawn out episodes. Frankly, I'm too tired.

So how would you seriously feel if he had am Affiar?

At least you would love to have some form of intimacy .. Such as cuddling and hugs. My wife has issues if I want that much..

What, is Jeff supposed to do something about this thread or PP's state of affairs?

"whats really sad is that neither of us is particularly interested in sex right now. Dh stopped approaching me during my pregnancy (when I was super horny, I got turned down a couple times). and we've had sex twice since baby was born 2 months ago (okay, I had a c section so no sex for first 6 weeks). in his case, I'm not sure why he's not interested, perhaps my scar and extra 10 lbs. For me? Breastfeeding/hormones, and the fact that he is a kind of a boring lover. I still enjoy sex with him because I love sex and I love my husband, but I've given up trying to make it hot. "

Another run away train sexless DCUM marriage.

Jeff, are you keeping track?

I'm not that interested in sex. I would love to know that we could hug and cuddle and but whenever we do he gets revved up. I guess I'm glad that he still wants to have sex but it is a burden. If it could be a quick 15 minute affair then I could go for it but he wants long drawn out episodes. Frankly, I'm too tired.

whats really sad is that neither of us is particularly interested in sex right now. Dh stopped approaching me during my pregnancy (when I was super horny, I got turned down a couple times). and we've had sex twice since baby was born 2 months ago (okay, I had a c section so no sex for first 6 weeks). in his case, I'm not sure why he's not interested, perhaps my scar and extra 10 lbs. For me? Breastfeeding/hormones, and the fact that he is a kind of a boring lover. I still enjoy sex with him because I love sex and I love my husband, but I've given up trying to make it hot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this poster was pretty clear in her efforts to communicate. And I know that when I "say what I mean and mean what I say," I am met with sullen silence.

perhaps for you but i don't think PP was clear. Men do not think like that or talk like that. They do not and never will say "you know honey a big part of who I am is being affectionate and when I kiss you and you pull away I feel rejected." - blah blah blah...they need to be told. I want to f_ck and you want to f_ck so let's f_ck. Stop being so NICE and tell the jackass exactly what you want, it is all they understand!

Did you bother to read all of her posts? These questions were answered.

Anonymous wrote:I think this poster was pretty clear in her efforts to communicate. And I know that when I "say what I mean and mean what I say," I am met with sullen silence.

perhaps for you but i don't think PP was clear. Men do not think like that or talk like that. They do not and never will say "you know honey a big part of who I am is being affectionate and when I kiss you and you pull away I feel rejected." - blah blah blah...they need to be told. I want to f_ck and you want to f_ck so let's f_ck. Stop being so NICE and tell the jackass exactly what you want, it is all they understand!

I think this poster was pretty clear in her efforts to communicate. And I know that when I "say what I mean and mean what I say," I am met with sullen silence.