Anonymous
Post 03/09/2012 17:20     Subject: My 3 year old is a brat
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think this is consistent with what even the most empathetic parents above are saying. Those (like me) who say the behavior is normal and to be expected are NOT saying it's acceptable or something to be tolerated without consequences.


But it's not to be expected. That is the whole point of this discussion. I am not expecting it and - surprise! - I am not getting it.


How old are your children? Have they made it past the teenage years yet?

Anonymous
Post 03/09/2012 16:52     Subject: My 3 year old is a brat
Anonymous wrote:I see it as it's the actions as what you want to nip, not the feelings. Feelings are what they are and can be intense, and I see validating them as helps give the child language and understanding so that next time he/she can exert control over them.


No, it's actually feelings you want to nip - not all feelings obviously, but inappropriate, undesirable feelings that we are currently discussing. Feelings can be changed and suppressed, and there is nothing special or authentic about them. It is by suppressing them that you exert control, not by dwelling on them or talking about them. In fact, the more you dwell on them, the more you prime them and the more you are their prisoner.

Anonymous wrote:Just someone who's parent attempted to do a lot of nipping, and who has a great deal of anger issues today. I wish I'd had more help processing my intense feelings as a kid.


It is very unlikely that the issues you have today have anything to do with your parents or their supposed suppression of your feelings. Most likely, you have a certain type of temperament, which first announced itself when you were little but is visible today. Please, do not blame your parents, they are not going to be around forever. Try to be as forgiving of them as you are probably of your children especially now when they are older.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2012 16:28     Subject: My 3 year old is a brat
Anonymous wrote:My DD is almost 4 and she is such a brat (mainly for me). She whines, throws things she doesn't want, has screaming crying fits over random crap like the shape of the bread is wrong.. I never give in when she whines and will separate her from whatever until she calms down when she has tantrums. I will let her have what she has been whining for (within reason) if she restates it in a normal voice and uses manners. She does have a brother who is almost 1. She adores him but has always been too rough with him. At my most sleep deprived, I was extremely impatient and frustrated with her and I feel like a lot of this stems from that. I also got into a bad pattern of yelling which I have since stopped. She also tells me she doesn't love me, wants a new mommy, etc. Is this age appropriate behavior? How do I fix this? It is getting to the point where I am less than thrilled about being around her because of her behavior. Sometimes she is the sweetest, funniest kid ever but other times ARGH!


Children are not born badly- or well-behaved, so if she is a brat, go look at yourself in a mirror and you will know who is responsible.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2012 16:22     Subject: My 3 year old is a brat
Anonymous wrote:I think this is consistent with what even the most empathetic parents above are saying. Those (like me) who say the behavior is normal and to be expected are NOT saying it's acceptable or something to be tolerated without consequences.


But it's not to be expected. That is the whole point of this discussion. I am not expecting it and - surprise! - I am not getting it.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2012 15:56     Subject: My 3 year old is a brat
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, but this is not "normal" and it doesn't happen with all or even majority of children (especially if past generations are taken into account). It might be common in a certain type of family but it's reprehensible behavior that should not be allowed (if only because parents dislike it) and would not have happened had there been some discipline in the past.


I agree 100 percent. The most telling comment to me was the "I keep hoping something will kick in" comment. Like parenting? A 3/4 year old throwing things and having ten minute fits is suffering from lack of discipline. Not one child in my family (mine or extended) behaves like that at that age. Oh they might whine or pout or beg for something here and there, of course they are not perfect, but a "shut it down" look or comment from the parents will suffice 99 percent of the time.

You can tell yourselves all you want that it's age appropriate but it's *not*. It's parents too lazy to parent so every poor behavior is labeled "oh, just part of the age." Nope.


Agree with most of this. However, I don't think the parents are too lazy - I think people have been reading too many books written by "specialists" and they just don't KNOW how to discipline a child properly. They actually think this kind of behavior is normal and to be expected. And because many parents are like this now, these types of behavior are more common, so, it become a vicious cycle. You see more of this and you think it is normal indeed.

Of course children will misbehave and throw tantrums here and there, but it is how you react to it that will set the tone for the future.

I think the advice to hug more is wonderful.... for a toddler! They cannot control themselves or their frustration. Yeah, give them hugs but also set consequences for their little fits.


I think this is consistent with what even the most empathetic parents above are saying. Those (like me) who say the behavior is normal and to be expected are NOT saying it's acceptable or something to be tolerated without consequences.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2012 15:49     Subject: My 3 year old is a brat
I'm currently working my way through a book called, "Kids, Parents and Power Struggles," by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.

It's very much in the empathetic-with-strong-boundaries category. The focus (as far as I can tell so far) is on teaching your kids how to recognize, describe and manage their feelings so they can choose to behave appropriately. Rather than a command-and-control approach, the idea is to help them learn to manage themselves while respecting you and others.

Here's the link: http://www.amazon.com/Kids-Parents-Power-Struggles-Lifetime/dp/0060930438
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2012 15:47     Subject: My 3 year old is a brat
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, but this is not "normal" and it doesn't happen with all or even majority of children (especially if past generations are taken into account). It might be common in a certain type of family but it's reprehensible behavior that should not be allowed (if only because parents dislike it) and would not have happened had there been some discipline in the past.


I agree 100 percent. The most telling comment to me was the "I keep hoping something will kick in" comment. Like parenting? A 3/4 year old throwing things and having ten minute fits is suffering from lack of discipline. Not one child in my family (mine or extended) behaves like that at that age. Oh they might whine or pout or beg for something here and there, of course they are not perfect, but a "shut it down" look or comment from the parents will suffice 99 percent of the time.

You can tell yourselves all you want that it's age appropriate but it's *not*. It's parents too lazy to parent so every poor behavior is labeled "oh, just part of the age." Nope.


Agree with most of this. However, I don't think the parents are too lazy - I think people have been reading too many books written by "specialists" and they just don't KNOW how to discipline a child properly. They actually think this kind of behavior is normal and to be expected. And because many parents are like this now, these types of behavior are more common, so, it become a vicious cycle. You see more of this and you think it is normal indeed.

Of course children will misbehave and throw tantrums here and there, but it is how you react to it that will set the tone for the future.

I think the advice to hug more is wonderful.... for a toddler! They cannot control themselves or their frustration. Yeah, give them hugs but also set consequences for their little fits.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2012 15:47     Subject: My 3 year old is a brat
You didn't answer the question on abusing your children? Do you phsycially hit/slap/pull/push, etc... to get them to tow the line? Or is it verbal and emotional abuse? Or a combination?


I didn't answer them because I didn't see them. I guess I am not reading your posts very carefully 8) .
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2012 15:16     Subject: My 3 year old is a brat
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As for your PHD in Psychology. Ehem... Bullsh*t


And an Ivy-league one, in case you are wondering - which I know you are .



You are a serious piece of work! You hijacked the thread into another one on tantrums, I noticed. (But - you aren't controlling (LOL)) This was probably for the best, since we're just talking past each other on here. I'll admit I was schnarky, but my tone and insults were simply matching your own posts.

You didn't answer the question on abusing your children? Do you phsycially hit/slap/pull/push, etc... to get them to tow the line? Or is it verbal and emotional abuse? Or a combination?
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2012 15:14     Subject: My 3 year old is a brat
Anonymous wrote:14:22, no, my child does not treat me like crap. Nor does he treat others like crap. And although I have been trying by sympathetic to your views of parenting, I submit that as you are not able to treat strangers on the internet with respect that perhaps you are not the best model for someone wanting to teach anyone respect and self control.


'Respect' is a relationship, not a personality trait and it depends as much on a treatee as it does on a treater. I haven't "taught" my children respect - I established it. They also tend to be kind though strong-willed by nature, but that's beyond anyone's control. What is perfectly within my control is to have them respect myself (and their father - though he helped there, as he had to). And they do.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2012 15:00     Subject: My 3 year old is a brat
Anonymous wrote:As for your PHD in Psychology. Ehem... Bullsh*t


And an Ivy-league one, in case you are wondering - which I know you are .

Anonymous
Post 03/09/2012 14:58     Subject: My 3 year old is a brat
The "kicking in" was my comment.

I am not a controlling parent. My daughter was a dream. My son is difficult. While I could take her anywhere, he's a challenge. I don't expect any two people to be exactly the same. And if in your family your ideal is to raise mummies, by all means, PP, continue to over-parent and control these children.

How dare anyone be critical of a 3 yo's behavior? It is perfectly normal behavior for a 3 yo - especially a boy. Not every "difficult" child has lazy parents. But considering you and yours are superior to the rest of us, you wouldn't know that.

Good luck! Paybacks are hell, as teens are not easy to manage.

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, but this is not "normal" and it doesn't happen with all or even majority of children (especially if past generations are taken into account). It might be common in a certain type of family but it's reprehensible behavior that should not be allowed (if only because parents dislike it) and would not have happened had there been some discipline in the past.


I agree 100 percent. The most telling comment to me was the "I keep hoping something will kick in" comment. Like parenting? A 3/4 year old throwing things and having ten minute fits is suffering from lack of discipline. Not one child in my family (mine or extended) behaves like that at that age. Oh they might whine or pout or beg for something here and there, of course they are not perfect, but a "shut it down" look or comment from the parents will suffice 99 percent of the time.

You can tell yourselves all you want that it's age appropriate but it's *not*. It's parents too lazy to parent so every poor behavior is labeled "oh, just part of the age." Nope.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2012 14:49     Subject: My 3 year old is a brat
14:22, no, my child does not treat me like crap. Nor does he treat others like crap. And although I have been trying by sympathetic to your views of parenting, I submit that as you are not able to treat strangers on the internet with respect that perhaps you are not the best model for someone wanting to teach anyone respect and self control.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2012 14:43     Subject: My 3 year old is a brat
To: PHD Psych mom

I was referring to Tiger Blood.... not Tiger Mom. You know, you kind of remind me of Charlie Sheen (you know, crazy).

As for your PHD in Psychology. Ehem... Bullsh*t
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2012 14:37     Subject: My 3 year old is a brat
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you see my kid in school or at the grocery store you assume I parent like you do, probably, because my kid is well behaved for the most part. But we got there through a different path than you.


No, I don't assume that because there are plenty of children that are polite with others (whom they can't boss around) while treating their own parents like crap (because they can). So, just because your child is polite to me, does not mean that I will assume it is polite to you. So, no, we are not at the same destination, much less on the same path.



Hey PHD in Psychology - this is what you call a Freudian slip.