OP I think most of the people here have been rude and overly critical and full of crap. You are obviously trying to do the best by your daughter and it's clear that anyone would be frustrated. Most of the criticisms are bogus.

The thing is though - if your daughter has been stealing food, making food part of a reward or punishment is probably a big mistake. It's already so fraught. Can't you just do everything else but not restrict desserts or treats? Once an eating disorder becomes full blown she will struggle for the rest of her life. I would speak to a therapist, not just a school counselor about this. Maybe even a family therapist.

Anonymous wrote: OP, I am the PP back on page 2 or so who suggested letting her eat whatever she wanted for lunch for awhile for the thrill to wear off. I'm sorry, but I think this part I bolded is REALLY a mistake. She will just resort to stealing from her classmates again if she can't buy it, and you're going to stigmatize her. Imagine if she tries to buy something and is told, "No, you're not allowed to buy any food from us?" Oh God, OP. I feel really sorry for your daughter. I can't tell if you are well meaning but just have no idea how to handle this or what, but I feel like all your ideas just go to make the problem worse.

We did consider whether including dessert in her punishment is a good idea and, after discussing it with her counselor, decided that it is. We understand that much of this is about control, but it's also about teaching a very important lesson about stealing. As for stigmatizing her, she's is far more likely to be stigmatized by being seen in her school (which is fairly small) as a thief than she is for not being able to buy lunch. We've told her that she won't be allowed to buy lunch until her punishment is over and that her lunchroom teacher knows this, so hopefully she won't try.

We spoke to her teacher, her counselor and the principal. They have a lot of years of experience, including seeing the signs of early stage eating and other serious behavioral disorders and they all said they think our daughter is well adjusted and happy, but that she has trouble with impulse control and recognizing when something is serious, whether its talking when she should be quiet or taking money or sweets when she wants them. As I said, we also spoke to her doctor and her opinion is the same. They all think she'll grow out of this. The opinions of people who have worked with young children for decades, who know her and care about her welfare are obviously going to be more important to us than the advice of even well meaning, but anonymous people on this site. I mean, if it was such a bad idea, we think her counselor or the principal might have said something. They're very forthcoming with their opinions. But they didn't shriek "No!" and point to eating disorders the way some have on this forum. On the contrary, they sought to assure us not to overreact since they've seen this type of behavior often enough to know that every child who decides to do an end run around the parents to get sweets is not headed for anorexia.

We did ask for some referrals and her counselor gave us the names of some therapists. We are going to make an appointment to see one, just to be sure there isn't a more serious problem here.

Sometimes kids do bad shit just because. OP's daughter would clearly rather steal than spend her own money to buy the snacks (since OP told us she is allowed to use her piggy bank money). Of course she is fixated on stealing food items. What else is valuable at that age? There probably aren't that many toys to steal at school and who cares about pencils and math manipulatives? Brownies are a way hotter commodity. That is what I'd steal if I was 7 and wanted to swipe something.

Sometimes, kids just do stuff because they want to and can get away with it. Some many of the parents on this board clearly over-parent their children and assume that ANY misbehavior means that therapy must be the answer. This is why your special snowflakes turn into screwed up adults, they've never had to deal with the fact that they are shitty people, they just go to therapy ALL THE TIME to get validated for the crap they do.

At least OP has decided to hit her kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and you told the lunchroom teacher to keep her from buying food? Your daughter is trying to get food at school because she wants to be able to control her food intake SOMEWHERE. You won't let her do it at home, so she's doing it at school. So instead of backing off at home, you extend your vice grip to the school lunchroom. I don't know whether you're just obtuse or evil; I hope it's the former and you get some help soon.

Our daughter is not "trying to get food at school." She's trying to get more dessert and snacks at school. Has it occurred to you that just maybe the people who actually know and love her might have a better idea of what's going on here than some nameless faceless screaming harpy on the net who apparently did have serious food issues growing up and still isn't over them.

Why are you posting for advice if anyone with any experience with food issues is immediately disqualified from giving any kind of useful input? What on earth are you looking for? Everyone agrees that you are approaching this all wrong. Please educate yourself on the damaging use of food as punishment/reward. Your daughter may not have an eating disorder, but she is certainly is at risk for one.

Please find a therapist. I hope that you can prove everyone here wrong, and that there is nothing wrong with you and your kid, and we've just grossly misunderstood your parenting technique.

And BTW, you realize that there are many, many people telling you to tread carefully, right? It's not just one person ("harpy") fueling five pages of banter.

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and you told the lunchroom teacher to keep her from buying food? Your daughter is trying to get food at school because she wants to be able to control her food intake SOMEWHERE. You won't let her do it at home, so she's doing it at school. So instead of backing off at home, you extend your vice grip to the school lunchroom. I don't know whether you're just obtuse or evil; I hope it's the former and you get some help soon.

Our daughter is not "trying to get food at school." She's trying to get more dessert and snacks at school. Has it occurred to you that just maybe the people who actually know and love her might have a better idea of what's going on here than some nameless faceless screaming harpy on the net who apparently did have serious food issues growing up and still isn't over them.

Anonymous wrote: Are you fucking kidding me?? Now you're withholding food as a punishment? I hope that you're just a persistent troll and that no mother is this dense. In a post above you stated that you think your daughter has eating issues. Have you bothered to educate yourself at all about eating disorders (or normal eating behavior). Such a punishment is clearly NOT indicated for a child with the issues you claim she has. Where is your husband in all this? Where are her brothers? Is anyone watching out for this poor girl?

Calm down with the hysterics. The only troll on here is you. We are not denying her food. She has plenty of food. We are denying her desserts. We discussed it with her counselor and she agreed it was reasonable to make her understand that stealing will result in her not getting the very thing she wanted as well as bring on other undesirable consequences. And we discussed the question of eating disorders with her pediatrician. She has been our doctor since our DD was born and she doesn't think this amounts to anything like an eating disorder.

This woman doesn't want advice. She is clearly an idiot.

i agree with the PPs. you should not focus the discipline around food at all. both the taking of dessert and the lunchroom policing are only going to make this worse.

my cousin had a severe case of anorexia when we were younger. it was all about her need to control. i suspect that you are too controlling or her environment is not flexible enough.

i urge you to rethink your approach. this child is acting out and needs love and support, too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP! I have never seen someone with their head buried so deeply in the sand before. What is it that you want people here to tell you? Your daughter needs help. Why haven't you gotten her any yet? Several people in this thread have given you suggestions re: discipline as well as voiced their concerns that it might be a bigger problem than you realize. Are you just ignoring them because it's more fun to engage with people that piss you off?

Not at all. I have taken some of what the more thoughtful posters have said to heart. It's people like you who spew bile that I was responding to in my last post.

We spoke to our DD's school counselor today and she's going to send us a packet of resources for counseling for young kids. She's also going to have some one-on-one sessions with our DD to help reinforce the importance of respecting other peoples' property and suggest more constructive ways of getting things she wants. We also spoke to the lunchroom teacher and asked her to make sure our DD doesn't try to buy anything during lunch time unless we send a note saying she has permission to do so.

We've also decided to make her earn back the money she took by doing chores in the yard (whch she really doesn't like doing), including helping pick up the dog's poop. She's also going to write notes of apology to the girls she took money from and, of course, repay the money. We've also suspended her TV and gaming privileges for a month and eliminated desserts at home and at school for the next month. It may sound harsh, but we want her to understand how serious it is to steal.

OP, I am the PP back on page 2 or so who suggested letting her eat whatever she wanted for lunch for awhile for the thrill to wear off. I'm sorry, but I think this part I bolded is REALLY a mistake. She will just resort to stealing from her classmates again if she can't buy it, and you're going to stigmatize her. Imagine if she tries to buy something and is told, "No, you're not allowed to buy any food from us?" Oh God, OP. I feel really sorry for your daughter. I can't tell if you are well meaning but just have no idea how to handle this or what, but I feel like all your ideas just go to make the problem worse.

Oh, and you told the lunchroom teacher to keep her from buying food? Your daughter is trying to get food at school because she wants to be able to control her food intake SOMEWHERE. You won't let her do it at home, so she's doing it at school. So instead of backing off at home, you extend your vice grip to the school lunchroom. I don't know whether you're just obtuse or evil; I hope it's the former and you get some help soon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP! I have never seen someone with their head buried so deeply in the sand before. What is it that you want people here to tell you? Your daughter needs help. Why haven't you gotten her any yet? Several people in this thread have given you suggestions re: discipline as well as voiced their concerns that it might be a bigger problem than you realize. Are you just ignoring them because it's more fun to engage with people that piss you off?

Not at all. I have taken some of what the more thoughtful posters have said to heart. It's people like you who spew bile that I was responding to in my last post.

We spoke to our DD's school counselor today and she's going to send us a packet of resources for counseling for young kids. She's also going to have some one-on-one sessions with our DD to help reinforce the importance of respecting other peoples' property and suggest more constructive ways of getting things she wants. We also spoke to the lunchroom teacher and asked her to make sure our DD doesn't try to buy anything during lunch time unless we send a note saying she has permission to do so.

We've also decided to make her earn back the money she took by doing chores in the yard (whch she really doesn't like doing), including helping pick up the dog's poop. She's also going to write notes of apology to the girls she took money from and, of course, repay the money. We've also suspended her TV and gaming privileges for a month and eliminated desserts at home and at school for the next month. It may sound harsh, but we want her to understand how serious it is to steal.

Are you fucking kidding me?? Now you're withholding food as a punishment? I hope that you're just a persistent troll and that no mother is this dense. In a post above you stated that you think your daughter has eating issues. Have you bothered to educate yourself at all about eating disorders (or normal eating behavior). Such a punishment is clearly NOT indicated for a child with the issues you claim she has. Where is your husband in all this? Where are her brothers? Is anyone watching out for this poor girl?

Anonymous wrote:OP! I have never seen someone with their head buried so deeply in the sand before. What is it that you want people here to tell you? Your daughter needs help. Why haven't you gotten her any yet? Several people in this thread have given you suggestions re: discipline as well as voiced their concerns that it might be a bigger problem than you realize. Are you just ignoring them because it's more fun to engage with people that piss you off?

Not at all. I have taken some of what the more thoughtful posters have said to heart. It's people like you who spew bile that I was responding to in my last post.

We spoke to our DD's school counselor today and she's going to send us a packet of resources for counseling for young kids. She's also going to have some one-on-one sessions with our DD to help reinforce the importance of respecting other peoples' property and suggest more constructive ways of getting things she wants. We also spoke to the lunchroom teacher and asked her to make sure our DD doesn't try to buy anything during lunch time unless we send a note saying she has permission to do so.

We've also decided to make her earn back the money she took by doing chores in the yard (whch she really doesn't like doing), including helping pick up the dog's poop. She's also going to write notes of apology to the girls she took money from and, of course, repay the money. We've also suspended her TV and gaming privileges for a month and eliminated desserts at home and at school for the next month. It may sound harsh, but we want her to understand how serious it is to steal.

OP! I have never seen someone with their head buried so deeply in the sand before. What is it that you want people here to tell you? Your daughter needs help. Why haven't you gotten her any yet? Several people in this thread have given you suggestions re: discipline as well as voiced their concerns that it might be a bigger problem than you realize. Are you just ignoring them because it's more fun to engage with people that piss you off?

Anonymous wrote: I can distinguish between not liking what she's doing and not liking her. I remember from your last thread that you disliked that your daughter enjoyed taking in milk a little bit too much for her liking. I can see no reason for getting so bent out of shape for absurd things like enjoying her bottle and eating too much if you don't like her to begin with. Kind of like you wouldn't get worked up about a comment made by your best friend, but if your annoying MIL said the exact same thing it you'd get riled up.

I think you need therapy. Seriously. You're like a harpy.

I asked if anyone had seen a child respond to milk like that because I had never seen a baby do that and neither of my other kids have responded that way. It hasn't got a thing to do with her enjoying her milk too much for my liking. If you see your baby doing something that looks unusual, you tend to ask if other people have seen their babies doing the same thing. The point I was making was that my DD has always seemed to respond to food in a very intense way, even as an infant and that may be part of what's causing this behavior. I don't know why that should be so difficult to believe. We know that different people develop issues with food precisely because being full provides a sense of satisfaction and contentment that almost everyone enjoys. Is it really so tough to believe that some people enjoy that sensation more than others and that there may be a physiological component?

You must have a very severe case of low self-esteem since your need to denigrate others is so intense.