It's probably hormonal, but having been in this situation myself-doctors are almost zero help

Anonymous wrote:You really do sound like a good guy, OP. Have you considered that maybe DW is having a hard time transitioning between thinking of herself as "mom" and "wife"? She may have lost herself in her identity as a mother and with that, her sex drive. You seem to have thought about this a lot, so maybe you've already tried, but things like date nights, etc., do you do that stuff? What opportunities does she have to be an adult woman?

I'm not OP but I am a DW. He said his kids are 9 and 7. Pretty sure she should have made the transition to "mom" by now. Mom and wife are NOT mutually exclusive. You don't get a pass for struggling with your identity when you've been a mom for nearly a decade, come on. I hate this notion that women have to be coddled- constantly complimented, wooed, pursued to be made to feel attractive, yet also left alone for "me time" and "woman time" in order for her to be a contributing member of her marital relationship. NO. You get married, you say vows, which include forsaking all others. The implication being, you're forsaking them FOR ME. Not FOR NOTHING. Sorry, I think sex and intimacy in a marriage is each spouse's right. Women shouldn't have to have their feet kissed and all their changing whims met on a daily basis for their husbands to feel like they've "earned" sex.

You really do sound like a good guy, OP. Have you considered that maybe DW is having a hard time transitioning between thinking of herself as "mom" and "wife"? She may have lost herself in her identity as a mother and with that, her sex drive. You seem to have thought about this a lot, so maybe you've already tried, but things like date nights, etc., do you do that stuff? What opportunities does she have to be an adult woman?

Anonymous wrote:"Agree with you, you sound frustrated beyond belief. This is how many men feel everyday - 24/7. Welcome to the club. "

Why do you put up with shit?

Do you have children? I have a hard imagining how anyone with children could make that statement? Not that they wouldn't leave -- but the inability to even understand why someone wouldn't blow up their children's lives for sex.

As for the first PP, I don't know the relative difference on who feels like this more -- men or women. Men are certainly more likely to complain publicly. Women are not. It's a source of deep shame for a woman. As a culture, we are taught that men always want sex and men chase. So, for a woman to have this in a marriage many assume something is wrong with the woman and are shamed. Couple that with the fact men (on average) are more likely to gravitate to the chase, women hit their sexual peak later and (stereotypically) prefer long monomgamous relationships, I suspect there are a lot more women in this position than admit it.

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest for the DHs in sexless marriages to start hitting the gym regularly and putting more thought into grooming and appearance. I'm a single mom now, but in your DWs shoes, I would definitely take notice if you suddenly lost the belly fat and were spending more time on your clothing. And didnt bother to ask me for sex for awhile, yet seemed happy nonetheless.

Didn't bother to ask me for sex for awhile...

Words can't explain how f'd up that statement is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These posts make me think of the novel Mr. Peanut by Adam Ross, which is something you do not want someone to associate with your marriage. It sounds as though your wife is either depressed or silently resentful about something, and I wouldn't consider either to be a viable way of life.

Based on what is written on the Web about the novel Mr Peanut, I can see why I would not want someone to associate my marriage with it. We have issues, but I would never want anything bad to happen to my wife. I never dream about life without her. I do dream about life when she does not have an emotional wall around herself and more open again.

You're a sweet man. Hope everything works out for you.

Anonymous wrote:These posts make me think of the novel Mr. Peanut by Adam Ross, which is something you do not want someone to associate with your marriage. It sounds as though your wife is either depressed or silently resentful about something, and I wouldn't consider either to be a viable way of life.

Based on what is written on the Web about the novel Mr Peanut, I can see why I would not want someone to associate my marriage with it. We have issues, but I would never want anything bad to happen to my wife. I never dream about life without her. I do dream about life when she does not have an emotional wall around herself and more open again.

These posts make me think of the novel Mr. Peanut by Adam Ross, which is something you do not want someone to associate with your marriage. It sounds as though your wife is either depressed or silently resentful about something, and I wouldn't consider either to be a viable way of life.

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest for the DHs in sexless marriages to start hitting the gym regularly and putting more thought into grooming and appearance. I'm a single mom now, but in your DWs shoes, I would definitely take notice if you suddenly lost the belly fat and were spending more time on your clothing. And didnt bother to ask me for sex for awhile, yet seemed happy nonetheless.

For the poster with the wife in remission, I'm sure the perception of her femininity took a beating during the process. If she can only have sex with the lights off, she might fear that you were see the flaws she's been hiding and be turned off. Also, knowing that you are thinking about sex most nights puts alot of pressure on her. I would also suggest planning activities for just you and the kids where she can have some more "me" time. If she's a SAHM especially.

I have tried many things. I have gotten back in shape several times. The most recent time, I was in the best shape since my 20s. Not just thinner but in really good shape. Didn't change anything.

In the last ten years, I have been the morning parent and bedtime routine parent 90% of the time. she gets lots of opportunity for sleep time. On the weekends, I usually give her lots of me times. She is a SAHM and the kids are in school every week day.

We are roommates and parents... She has emotionally built a wall around herself when it comes to me. It is extremely rare if she even kisses or hugs me. Forget about anything closer.

It might seem strange, but I actually still love her. Something is broken and I think I know what it is but it is nothing that I can do. She needs to figure it out and work with someone to get over it. She is a very private person and I don't think she would ever let anyone get close enough to help her work it out.

Here's yer myth: http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm

Anonymous wrote:You are assuming she doesn't contribute financially, which is not a safe assumption.

Other than that, what's to tell? About half of marriages end in divorce. Of those that last, many involve little sex. Part of that has to do with incompatible sex drive. But part of it has to do with gender differences in approaching life, and especially in processing anger. A lot of women hoard anger and resentment, and manifest that in withholding sex, or maybe letting that stuff accumulate so that they lose interest in sex. I'm sure some men do this, but it seems to be much more common with women. Flame away, but that's where the data lead me.

I don't expect to have this conversation with my children.

Not this bromide again. That's a myth.

13:08. My point was that maybe your wives are too secure in the marriages currently to think you'd ever leave. So consider making them jealous. I was unhappy for a long time with XH but for a different reason (basically I was a single mom long before we separated). Had lots of resentment, arguments over it, depression, and then I shut down. Finally decided I would just focus on finding happiness via other avenues but ultimately stay. Ended up losing those 20 lbs of postpartum weight (DC was still an infant), hanging out at night with recently divorced or unhappily married GFs (had local family for coverage), dressing up to go just about anywhere. Had a convo online with a friend who mentioned a guy I dated way back and how he was such a great guy and why didnt I end up with him instead. I mentioned that I had wondered sometimes, but stopped entertaining those thoughts. X found the convo but I didnt know it for awhile, but he changed and suddenly became an involved father (and still very much is). This was a man who was extremely confident that I'd never leave no matter what prior to that (had even said so before). Unfortunately, damage was already done in my case, but it could work for some of you.

I think its crummy that any of you have been put in this position. I would be resentful as hell too. What is the plan once your kids are out of the house? If you live in DC, it'd be pretty hard not to get joint custody if you wanted it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a very involved dad. Access to my kids is the only reason I stay in my sexless marriage. I might as well be a monk.

+1

+2

+3

Yes I know, but I like to think of the phrase with David Gilmour playing behind it.

Anonymous wrote:Pink Floyd cast the net too narrowly with "quiet desperation is the English way."

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them."


Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862) 8)