Anonymous wrote:Totally neurotic and selfish bunch here. Hell yeah, I'd give up my bed for my parents or inlaws. What difference does it make? Give them clean sheets, and then change them after they leave. No big deal at all. I'd actually give up my bed for any guest at all who had a problem with my guest bed.

I have to agree with this. Not sure about the 'culture' comments, but I' born and raised here in the US, and DH also. We have given up our bed to our parents and his parents quite often. And to other people who come stay. Not sure why it's such a big deal.

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Respect your elders.

Huh?

I remember you, OP! Our husbands are the same ethnicity, but your husband is much more traditional than mine.

Your situation looks more hopeless all the time. I have seen it play out way too often. You have my sympathies.

I can only say this: whatever your culture, it is possible to be kind, welcoming, and respectful to your in-laws, and still leave them insulted and dissatisfied, if they are determined to be so. In your case, I do not think you can do right in their eyes, but you can certainly have a clear conscience yourself.

I forget--was this an arranged marriage or a love marriage? (Or am I thinking of the wrong previous thread entirely??)

The bigger problem is your husband.

Anonymous wrote:oP here. Interesting responses. First, we aren't having a party. DH invited his parents over to watch the game. Some you of you may remember me from a post about a month ago where I said my in laws come and stay 2-3 days every 2 weeks or so. Frankly, I'm getting tired of the constant encroachment, have tried to bring it up with DH but he is rabidly protective of his parents (says they are his Gods) and doesn't care that it bothers me. I always accommodate them but this time, the bed they normally sleep on is in my daughter's room while a new one has been ordered for their normal guest room. My daughter is 9 months old and not STTN in the crib so we have put her on a mattress with beefwood and she's doing much better.

I guess my issue is that if they don't like the bed they are offered they should just drive the 25 minutes home. They are 63 and 65 and in good health.

Why were you wasting our time? It was never about the bed and you knew that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah ok, I remember you OP. Well you have a much more complicated issue than just your parents staying with you and it has to do with the fact that you and your husband disagree on this point. You need to first ask yourself these questions:

1) Why does it bother you when they stay over (be specific as possible)?
2) What do you think would be a compromise you are willing to live with?

Once you have those answers you need to discuss your concerns and alternate ideas with your husband. I think most people get why you wouldn't want your in-laws living with you part time for no reason, but your husband isn't us.

If your husband is unwilling to compromise with you (i.e. they can stay over occasionally, but not on a regular basis). I would honestly take our kids and stay with friends while the in laws visited to make my point. If my husband was unwilling to listen then I would be unwilling to play hostess, very simple.

I wish I knew you IRL and you could advise me on how to deal with my DH when he refuses to listen or compromise!!!!

LOL I wish I had all the answers! I just have a very stubborn DH, so I totally get where the OP is coming from.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, NO. That is what guest rooms are for and I would never feel comfortable using someone else's master if they were home. How do you know they don't LIKE the guestroom mattress? Did they actually say so? What incredibly bad manners. I certainly hope they didn't ASK to use your bedroom. This situation is kind of unfathomable. Who does this?

Parents. You know, the people whose bed YOU crawled into for the first several years of your life.

Not everyone had the kind of parents who let them crawl into bed with them in the morning. (Although my grandma did and she only had a twin bed.) Go figure.

Anonymous wrote:Ah ok, I remember you OP. Well you have a much more complicated issue than just your parents staying with you and it has to do with the fact that you and your husband disagree on this point. You need to first ask yourself these questions:

1) Why does it bother you when they stay over (be specific as possible)?
2) What do you think would be a compromise you are willing to live with?

Once you have those answers you need to discuss your concerns and alternate ideas with your husband. I think most people get why you wouldn't want your in-laws living with you part time for no reason, but your husband isn't us.

If your husband is unwilling to compromise with you (i.e. they can stay over occasionally, but not on a regular basis). I would honestly take our kids and stay with friends while the in laws visited to make my point. If my husband was unwilling to listen then I would be unwilling to play hostess, very simple.

I wish I knew you IRL and you could advise me on how to deal with my DH when he refuses to listen or compromise!!!!

Like everything else on this board, the answers reveal a great deal about the poster's socio-economic class and different cultures.

All the posters who stated "of course they would give parents their bed" and "respect your elders" and "those of you who say no should be cursed with kids who treat you badly (or whatever random rambling that was)" and "and with all the times you crawled into their bed" are clearly from a culture or socio-economic class where such things are normal or expected, for indtance where guest rooms are not the norm (space too expensive to hold) or multi-generations live togwether commonoly or where elders are still treated as "higher" on the family hierarchial rungs.

Others, who said absolutely not, that is what a guest room are for, were clearly raised in families with strictly Western traditions (master bedrooms are personal space and off-limits to all but spouse and kids) and in the upper socio-economic strata as you grew up as (and knowing) people who could afford to have a spare bedroom for guests. In those households, guest rooms are often decorated and designed with the guests' comfort in mind and things that are equal to, or better than, the best of the rest of the household. A guest who complained would therefore be a bore as you have offered them your best. Very much a Emily Post- kind-of- philosophy.

The answers to this question are very telling about each responders background more than anything else. Answering one way or the other doesnt make anyone good or bad (although some posters seem to think so) but they do indicate a great deal about your upbrining.

Wow, the scoiology papers you could write based on DCUM repsonses are just fabulous.

Ok, this is a far bigger issue than them sleeping in your bed. You need DH on board to set some serious boundaries. They live 30 minutes away and stay over every 2 weeks? That is ridiculous.

I originally said that you should give up your bed, but now, I don't think so. No way should they be allowed to disrupt your life like that on such a regular basis.

Anonymous wrote:oP here. Interesting responses. First, we aren't having a party. DH invited his parents over to watch the game. Some you of you may remember me from a post about a month ago where I said my in laws come and stay 2-3 days every 2 weeks or so. Frankly, I'm getting tired of the constant encroachment, have tried to bring it up with DH but he is rabidly protective of his parents (says they are his Gods) and doesn't care that it bothers me. I always accommodate them but this time, the bed they normally sleep on is in my daughter's room while a new one has been ordered for their normal guest room. My daughter is 9 months old and not STTN in the crib so we have put her on a mattress with beefwood and she's doing much better.

I guess my issue is that if they don't like the bed they are offered they should just drive the 25 minutes home. They are 63 and 65 and in good health.

I think you are my SIL.

And, I told you...this is why I bought a two bedroom condo. So my freaking parents couldn't visit me and stay over. It's your guys fault for buying such a big house

You can come stay with me and and bring the kids. Let big brother deal with our parents.

Anonymous wrote:oP here. Interesting responses. First, we aren't having a party. DH invited his parents over to watch the game. Some you of you may remember me from a post about a month ago where I said my in laws come and stay 2-3 days every 2 weeks or so. Frankly, I'm getting tired of the constant encroachment, have tried to bring it up with DH but he is rabidly protective of his parents (says they are his Gods) and doesn't care that it bothers me. I always accommodate them but this time, the bed they normally sleep on is in my daughter's room while a new one has been ordered for their normal guest room. My daughter is 9 months old and not STTN in the crib so we have put her on a mattress with beefwood and she's doing much better.

I guess my issue is that if they don't like the bed they are offered they should just drive the 25 minutes home. They are 63 and 65 and in good health.

AHHH - this information makes me change my mind. I originally posted that YES they should sleep in your room. But on a regular basis and they live within 30 minutes??? I LOVE a poster's idea about finding a friend's house and staying there. Or, upon arrival of your frequent IL visits, take the children out of the house for a looooong time. Or strip the bed and have them make it themselves. Don't wash the sheets. Try to make it as unwelcoming as possible.

No, not under those circumstances. If there's a decent guest room, no need to give up the master. I think it's gross to want to sleep in someone else's bed anyway.

That sounds like a horrible situation.

And, no, in your case, I would not offer up my bedroom.

There are some spaces in the house that, unless there is a dire emergency, should remain private.

Ah ok, I remember you OP. Well you have a much more complicated issue than just your parents staying with you and it has to do with the fact that you and your husband disagree on this point. You need to first ask yourself these questions:

1) Why does it bother you when they stay over (be specific as possible)?
2) What do you think would be a compromise you are willing to live with?

Once you have those answers you need to discuss your concerns and alternate ideas with your husband. I think most people get why you wouldn't want your in-laws living with you part time for no reason, but your husband isn't us.

If your husband is unwilling to compromise with you (i.e. they can stay over occasionally, but not on a regular basis). I would honestly take our kids and stay with friends while the in laws visited to make my point. If my husband was unwilling to listen then I would be unwilling to play hostess, very simple.