Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 15:12     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
As a new(ish) mom, I TOTALLY hear you.

As a mom of boys, though, its a little bit painful/worrisome.

I guess this isn't about me though.

Overall, I think the hotel idea is a great compromise. Or could your ILs stay at your parents' house while they are at yours? It would at least remove any financial concerns related to lodging.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 14:40     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
So according to your husband's logic, either both in-laws get to stay at your house night and day, or it isn't fair to your parents to to his.

If it comes down to fairness, I think his parents at a hotel and your parents staying in their home at night would be the most 'fair' option. Follow this up with set visiting hours during the day, either for visiting with baby or helping with cooking and cleaning.

That will leave you and your husband alone with the baby at night, but maybe that is a bonding experience that would benefit the three of you. That way both of you can come to terms with the realities of infant care and L&D recovery, and you'll have two experienced ladies to draw wisdom from during the day.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 14:34     Subject: Re:Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Anonymous wrote:OP just tell your husband that you will be having YOUR mother stay to help nurse him through his future vasectomy. She will be on hand to change his band aid and check for swelling and redness. If your body is 50% his then his body is 50% yours.


Love this!
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 14:29     Subject: Re:Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Birth is not a spectator sport IMO. The grandparents will have years to get to know their grandchild. The first few days and weeks after birth is a big physical transition. If you end up with a c-section, you are recovering from major abdominal surgery. This time is not just about the baby. It is about the physical health of the mother and being the hostest with the mostest is not in the cards.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 14:28     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
I don't think that what is best for mom is ALWAYS what is best for the family (or what's best for Dad, child, etc). But I think in this case, a stressed out mother will probably lead to a stressed out baby and bad situation overall. DH should do all he can to put her at ease and to make the transition after birth smooth and her recovery a comfortable one. I do think that would probably be best for any new family, in general.


And yet, your whole first paragraph is about compromise. Where's the compromise here?
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 14:27     Subject: Re:Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
OP, I know you want your mom there, but I think it's also very important that you and DH learn how to handle your baby by yourselves a bit as well. It sounds like your husband's issue is that your mom gets to spend the night and his mom has to stay in a hotel. I would ask him how he felt about NO parental sleepovers - your parents at their house and his parents in a hotel or at your parents' house or something. That way you guys get some down time and alone time and all the grandparents are included in the new baby and maybe get to bond together as a grandparently unit over dinner or something when you kick them out to wander around topless. (For the record, I never did that once we came home. You might, but you might not. I would not use "but your dad will see my nipples" as a reason his parents cannot stay over, lest it backfire and he hold it over your head for the rest of your lives.)

After my daughter was born, I wanted my mom around, but mostly, I wanted to learn how to parent with my husband. Those nights we were up together when she was just a few days old were very, very special and I'm glad that mostly, it was just us. I think that during this time, you two should be turning to each other, not to your parents. If the parents all sleep somewhere else, they will still get plenty of time during the day (and you can take a shower! glorious!). Try to reframe the conversation not as a competition between grandparents but as a special time of bonding for a new family unit, with doting relatives looking on from the sidelines.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 14:25     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Anonymous wrote:I don't think that what is best for mom is ALWAYS what is best for the family (or what's best for Dad, child, etc). But I think in this case, a stressed out mother will probably lead to a stressed out baby and bad situation overall. DH should do all he can to put her at ease and to make the transition after birth smooth and her recovery a comfortable one. I do think that would probably be best for any new family, in general.


And yet, your whole first paragraph is about compromise. Where's the compromise here?
tgreen
Post 01/06/2012 14:23     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Anonymous wrote:DH's parents wanted to be around and I didn't want them there, so I made everyone else uncomfortable with my nursing in the living room. I also didn't bother to lift a finger to help with any household duties and basically treated them as my servants, but in a nice way. Three days in and they got a hotel room.


PP here. This is one way to do it. I don't suggest trying to be rude, but if they plan to visit, they have to accommodate the needs of the new family. If their desire is to be entertained, there are better times to visit.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 14:22     Subject: Re:Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
OP just tell your husband that you will be having YOUR mother stay to help nurse him through his future vasectomy. She will be on hand to change his band aid and check for swelling and redness. If your body is 50% his then his body is 50% yours.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 14:20     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Meant to add: 14:18 is me, 13:22, responding to 14:13.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 14:18     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
I don't think that what is best for mom is ALWAYS what is best for the family (or what's best for Dad, child, etc). But I think in this case, a stressed out mother will probably lead to a stressed out baby and bad situation overall. DH should do all he can to put her at ease and to make the transition after birth smooth and her recovery a comfortable one. I do think that would probably be best for any new family, in general.
tgreen
Post 01/06/2012 14:16     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Anonymous wrote:the first few days I walked around mostly topless with the equivalent of an adult diaper on my rear end. I complained about my episiotomy, all the blood I was passing, and constantly was feeling myself up to see if milk had arrived. I was also grouchy. Perhaps you can share this with your DH and ask him if he thinks his parents might not want to wait a week.


Sounds like good advice to me. Then again, I'm pregnant with #1, so I have not had the experience yet. From what my sister tells me, the first weeks are hard and she recommends that the parents take control of the situation to determine, who, what , where, when and how visitors are to be integrated. Perhaps one way around it is to be VERY CLEAR of what the tasks are. Any visitor must make 2 meals a day & go shopping, and not make any demands to see you, your DH or the baby. Let them understand that you have no idea how you will be feeling and you may not be wanting to see anyone at all. Tell them that if they visit, they must be OK with you telling them to leave. It just goes with the territory of being around at this sensitive time.

Visitors role should be helpers. Period. The perk is that they get to help and be around at a special time.

If they have a sense of entitlement, then maybe they should not come at all. Then again, maybe they really DO want to help, in which case it is important to lay the ground rules so that they fulfill their own good intentions.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 14:13     Subject: Re:Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Your husband needs to understand that you, him and your child are his primary family unit now and that to be a good father, he needs to do what is best for his FAMILY. You are telling him what is best for you and he is dismissing it. This does not bode well for the future. I urge you to find a way to nip this in the bud. If you need to book a session with a marriage counselor, then do it now rather than waiting for things to fall apart months or years down the road.

I wrote this. And I stand by it. I think that both parents should put their family first. Their NUCLEAR family, that is. And I think both parents should be willing to compromise. OP is willing to (by having ILs come stay in hotel). DH isn't willing to try. He needs to learn--fast. Professional help is probably the quickest way to learn these skills on an accelerated schedule.

What is best for the Mom is not necessarily what is best for the family. That's the inherent contradiction in the PP. FWIW, I think the OP is completely reasonable in the compromise she proposed, and her husband is being a little rigid. But the way you phrase this gives the impression that the whole first paragraph is just lip service, and you believe that what mommy wants is what's best for the family. Perhaps it's inelegantly phrased, or perhaps I'm reading too much into it.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 14:09     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Anonymous wrote:OP is compromising. Did you miss the part where she agreed to have them come and stay in a hotel? That's COMPROMISE.

Would you give a shit if your DH was so obviously pooh-poohing his pregnant wife's wishes, though? That's the question--and I think the answer would be NO, given that you are a heinous MIL in training.


I'm not sure what makes me sound like a heinous MIL in training, except for maybe not being a hysterical bitch. Actually, I'm pretty reasonable in advocating that she consider her husband's feelings. He could just as easily complain that his wife is "pooh-pooh"ing his feelings by reacting the way she has. I'm not suggesting OP is doing that at all, just trying to see things from his perspective. It's called emotional maturity, and having been through this before. Assuming an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth, which I wish the OP and anyone else, there's no reason to get insane about requirements after the birth. And assuming your husband is your partner and not your enemy, it's nice to consider his feelings on this and related matters.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2012 13:51     Subject: Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You know, OP, parenting is really hard, and the thing that makes it work is for both parents to be on the same team. There are going to be many instances where you and your DH will have to make decisions together and you might not agree. What happens if he decides that the baby shouldn't be vaxxed? And what about deciding how to split holidays? Is he going to pull this shit every time, refusing to compromise?

Your husband needs to understand that you, him and your child are his primary family unit now and that to be a good father, he needs to do what is best for his FAMILY. You are telling him what is best for you and he is dismissing it. This does not bode well for the future. I urge you to find a way to nip this in the bud. If you need to book a session with a marriage counselor, then do it now rather than waiting for things to fall apart months or years down the road.

I totally agree with the first paragraph - but then you contradict all of the rational and sensible statements in the second. Did two different people write this?


I wrote this. And I stand by it. I think that both parents should put their family first. Their NUCLEAR family, that is. And I think both parents should be willing to compromise. OP is willing to (by having ILs come stay in hotel). DH isn't willing to try. He needs to learn--fast. Professional help is probably the quickest way to learn these skills on an accelerated schedule

I agree with this poster. You and your child are his primary family now, and his obligation is to the two of you.