Anonymous wrote:OP, so I'm assuming you love your DH and can still have sex with him though he's calling you a bitch, etc. on a regular basis.

THis is OP. Actually, we haven't had sex in months. Once I realized this was abuse -- after posting in December -- I stopped initiating sex. I am figuring out what to do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm in a very similar situation. Please OP if you feel comfortable enough to give me your email, I'd like to chat.

Hi, this is OP. I'm so sorry you're in a similar situation. How long have you been married? Do you have kids? I can give you my email if you like.... My DH is now telling me that he does not like the label of "abuser" and said that he might as well label me a "bitch." He told me he behaves this way because I am "critical of him" and that no one talks to him in the "tone" that I talk to him... Really, I am a sweet and nice person and if anything I say things directly, but not in a hostile "tone"... and I don't consider myself to be critical... If anything, he often reads into statemetns that I make that seem innocuious and thinks I am criticizing him in some sort of subtext that I'm not intending.... Does this make sense? Argh it is really frustrating.....And continues.....

What?! he doesn't like the "abuser" label, but persists in using an abusive label for you, his life partner, the woman he supposedly cherishes and loves?? There's something very, very wrong here. Period.

OP, so I'm assuming you love your DH and can still have sex with him though he's calling you a bitch, etc. on a regular basis.

I have a friend who deals with this. Her DH calls her a "fucking whore" in front of their child. However, he is only doing this every 3 months or so now, as opposed to once a month when they were dating. She has said she wishes she had the confidence to leave him. I was kind of shocked. She needs to have the confidence for her child...it's not just about her anymore.

You need to learn to love yourself. You do not deserve to be treated like that...even if you did "set him off".

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH has been okay the past few weeks for the most part. But this is a cycle... Should I stick it out and wait to see if he changes? I am having hard time giving up the hurt caused by remarks over past years....and bracing myself for another outbreak. Is it normal to have a quiet period?

Yes, this is the CLASSIC pattern of abuse.

I was the PP in a similar situation. We've been together for ten years and we have young children. We've had good times and some not so good times. My DH is on medication and things really only seem to get bad when he's not on it. He has suffered from depression for years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm in a very similar situation. Please OP if you feel comfortable enough to give me your email, I'd like to chat.

Hi, this is OP. I'm so sorry you're in a similar situation. How long have you been married? Do you have kids? I can give you my email if you like.... My DH is now telling me that he does not like the label of "abuser" and said that he might as well label me a "bitch." He told me he behaves this way because I am "critical of him" and that no one talks to him in the "tone" that I talk to him... Really, I am a sweet and nice person and if anything I say things directly, but not in a hostile "tone"... and I don't consider myself to be critical... If anything, he often reads into statemetns that I make that seem innocuious and thinks I am criticizing him in some sort of subtext that I'm not intending.... Does this make sense? Argh it is really frustrating.....And continues.....

NP, here. Does he have a good relationship with his mother? Sounds like her critical voice is going off in his head any time you speak to him directly.

Anonymous wrote: I'm in a very similar situation. Please OP if you feel comfortable enough to give me your email, I'd like to chat.

Hi, this is OP. I'm so sorry you're in a similar situation. How long have you been married? Do you have kids? I can give you my email if you like.... My DH is now telling me that he does not like the label of "abuser" and said that he might as well label me a "bitch." He told me he behaves this way because I am "critical of him" and that no one talks to him in the "tone" that I talk to him... Really, I am a sweet and nice person and if anything I say things directly, but not in a hostile "tone"... and I don't consider myself to be critical... If anything, he often reads into statemetns that I make that seem innocuious and thinks I am criticizing him in some sort of subtext that I'm not intending.... Does this make sense? Argh it is really frustrating.....And continues.....

I'm in a very similar situation. Please OP if you feel comfortable enough to give me your email, I'd like to chat.

NP here. Also remember that children model behavior. Both yours and your spouse's. Please get help ASAP so your children don't fall into the same patterns that their parents have... You (and they) deserve so much better.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH has been okay the past few weeks for the most part. But this is a cycle... Should I stick it out and wait to see if he changes? I am having hard time giving up the hurt caused by remarks over past years....and bracing myself for another outbreak. Is it normal to have a quiet period?

Yes. Sorry, OP, it's normal to have a quiet period followed by another episode of abuse. Then there'll be another quiet period, then more abuse. Etc. Unless he makes BIG changes to himself, you'll be so worn down by this on-off dynamic that eventually you'll end up just accepting whatever abuse he hands out, and you'll blame yourself for it, too.

I haven't read all the previous posts - hope you're in therapy, and that he is, too.

OP here. DH has been okay the past few weeks for the most part. But this is a cycle... Should I stick it out and wait to see if he changes? I am having hard time giving up the hurt caused by remarks over past years....and bracing myself for another outbreak. Is it normal to have a quiet period?

NP here -- I'm worried that "the holidays" (Easter) will bring out the name-calling and tension and abuse of my DH -- he's been in the "honeymoon" period for the past 3 weeks of good behavior, and I'm scared for the vitriol to start--- but DH's family is visiting this weekend and that usually sparks something.....

They say that abusers come from families of abusers....So, I haven't seen it (the abuse) in DH's family explicitly. But for others on this forum familiar with the issue, what traits/habits might I "observe" in the behavior of DH's family to spot a family with potential abuse issues? I'm just curious.... I flat-out want to ask DH's mom if there is abuse in the family, but obviously that is the WRONG approach since she'd probably deny it.... But I figure DH must have learned his behavior, conscciously or subconsciously, from his parents??? Thoughts?

What if you realize this is bad behavior - but the other external benefits (nice house, living in one household to raise kids) outweigh the drawbacks of being called these names? what if you just tune out husband? Are you depriving yourself of intimacy you deserve? have others stayed in tehse types of toxic dynamics, only to regreat it 20 years later?

To the OP and those who echo her experiences. Please know that this is not OK behavior. It is not ok for your spouse to call you a bitch or other bad name on a regular basis. It is not ok to blame you every time (or nearly every time) something goes wrong. Or for him to blame you for his mistakes (or what he interprets as a mistake). This will cut away at your confidence and self esteem.

Please get help for yourself. He is trying to control you. He needs help, too. But you must first do for yourself and your kids.