Class issues can be really hard. Unlike race and culture, they are less well understood. You know that if you are marrying someone from another country there are going to be differences and you are prepare to manage them. With class, the cultural differences are less obvious and the expectations can be different. That makes it harder to deal with in relationships.

Have you read, Limbo: Blue Collar Roots, White Collar Dreams, OP? It may not be entirely applicable to your situation because its about people who start blue collar and become white collar. But one of the things the book shines at doing is explaining the differences between blue and white collar culture. When you understand what the values are and how they can actually be productive in certain circumstances and not in others (this is true for both blue and white collar culture) it makes it a lot easier to understand some of the behaviors that may seem foreign or even counterproductive.

Anyway, as to you original question, no, I did not marry out of my class. I married someone who started very, very poor and is self-made, just like me. Although I have been white collar for many years, I could not maintain romantic relationships with the white collar guys I would meet in my social circles. Most of them weren't interested in me because I didn't have the right pedigree or a daddy with money, and I wasn't interested in anyone who lived off anyone elses' accomplishments or who couldn't hold his own and appreciate my blue collar relatives and friends. For me, that gulf was just too wide.

But, it's nothing short of miraculous that I was able to meet someone who has traveled the same road I have. Seriously, miracle. Short of that, I'd say you should try to understand the culture and the differences. It will help you appreciate the stuff you don't understand now.

Anonymous wrote:This wins for the stupidest thread ever started on DCUM.

I dunno. Currently in the running are "Gucci vs. Prada beach bag?" and "Do you wear a watch?" I'm hoping all three are jokes.

OP posted originally in 2011.

I was raised blue collar lower middle class. We used china At holidays, went to top private schools and know how to dress. Some of these stereotypes are offensive. I also dont really understand OP's issues. Sounds more like divergent interests.... Without more information it is hard to give advice.

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the whole thread either, but wanted to comment.

I know quite a few women in their forties who are unmarried and would love to be married. Their biggest problem, I think, is that they equate a happy marriage with marrying someone of the same SES. I even know a woman who had a brief unsuccessful marriage to a man of the right SES - now she is looking, but won't consider anyone of a different SES even though the same SES didn't make things work the first time around. Ladies - love can happy in the strangest places - look outside the box!!

I know a few, as well. They would not consider anyone even slightly below their SES. One is a doctor and would only consider another doctor, or someone with a PhD, and with a 6-figure salary (college degree is not enough, regardless of income). She's in her late 30s, wants kids, but says she cannot possibly see herself with someone earning less than her.

OP, it really would be helpful if you would explain more what you're looking for when you return. What problems are you seeing?

I grew up solidly lower middle class, and my ILs have lots of money. This manifests in a number of ways in our relationship: I feel constantly insecure about money and am very frugal (thus annoying my husband), my husband has difficulty relating to and fitting in with my family, I can embarrass his parents by not understanding how to dress for certain occasions, we have different perspectives on the importance of our children attending private or "top" schools and colleges, our ideas of a good vacation are vastly different ... I definitely think these differences make our relationship more difficult than it would be if we came from the same background. I think we nonetheless have a healthy relationship because of the underlying respect and willingness to compromise. In some ways, I do still think my marriage is an anthropological experiment some times; interesting new things crop up all the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a European who married an American, so in terms of level of education, culture, and civilization there was a significant gap. It is hard sometimes, but I committed to my own personal "mission civilisatrice".
And I have actually even found myself learning things from the natives here. Their simplicity, their devotion to their work, and their child-like belief in their God, etc.
So a significant socio-economic gap can be a benefit and offer learning opportunities from an anthropological perspective. I suggest you focus on this, and try to enjoy spending time with the lower classes in their natural habitat.

100% agree and know what you are dealing with. I married a native american, and it is very hard to adjust to their savage ways and ritualistic human sacrifice.

OMG. Post of the day!

Kind of. IL family is prob from a bit of a lower class (I hate to say this) but it's weird how this affects our spending habits. For example, I'd say my family is more the "millionaire next door" type. Like, we have lots of $$ in bank, went to good schools, etc. but otherwise are very abstemious, frugal, etc. Don't get wowed by name brands, aren't out to impress, don't drive flashy cars, but the cars we have are fully paid for right off the lot, etc. IL family -- more status-conscious imho. Ask me all the time about what schools I am looking into for DD; I shrug this off. They live, everyday, much "higher on the hog" but scraped by to send the kids to state school, whereas we went to private. Must buy name brands in stores. Spends loads of $$ on food. Things like this. It's just different.

Dated a guy from a poor/working class background. There were ways I thought our families were just different. Then I read a book called Worlds of Pain about working class families and I realized that some of those differences were class differences. It was humbling.

Unfortunately I don't have any good advice for you, OP. Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:No, and after seeing my middle class friend marry a man from a working class/poor background, I wouldn't. Causes so many problems for them. He's very cheap and thinks she's very extravagant.

My mom married "down," and they fought over things like whether it was worth it to send the kids to top private universities. My dad thought that our (mediocre) state university was just fine; my mom insisted that it was worth the tuition (all three children were accepted into top 20 universities). My mom won out. They are now divorced.

No, and after seeing my middle class friend marry a man from a working class/poor background, I wouldn't. Causes so many problems for them. He's very cheap and thinks she's very extravagant.

I think a lot of you are blaming socioeconomic differences for things that are really just normal differences between families and personalities.

Not everyone who grew up in an upper-middle class family likes the symphony. I know I don't. I also think that a 3 carat diamond ring is a waste of money and extremely gaudy. So again, people are different.

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read most of this thread, but want to respond to the OP. I married a man from a different (lower) class than mine, and yes, there are differences that get on my nerves. For example, he refuses to go to the symphony or opera, so I have to take the children alone. I resent this. I can't understand why he thinks the symphony is boring or a waste of time. He may not like it, but at some level, he must (and he does) understand that it can be a nice thing to "expose" our children to. I loved going to the symphony and to the opera as a child. It was a big occasion, and we always got dressed up and went somewhere nice to eat before or afterwards.

It feels like DH is rejecting my "culture", and he is. But on the other hand, I reject his culture in many ways too. He slips into the local vernacular from time to time, and I hate it. I always call him on it. Yes, I know this sounds incredibly snobby, but I can't stand those speech patterns, and yes they sound uneducated and lower class, which they are.

But these are minor things. DH is everything I want in a husband. Everyone has things they don't like about their spouse. Sometimes I wish he'd read the same books, or had the same experiences I had (country clubs, trips to Europe, etc.), but he had none of those things, and can't relate to much of my background, which is sad to me. I love to share with him, and he does not know what I am talking about when I tell him stories about my life.

Nobody's perfect, OP. DH doesn't put the toilet seat down either, but I don't hold it against him, since 99.9% of men, no matter what their socioeconomic class, leave the seat up. I never wish I hadn't married him, but I do wish he understood more of my background, and that does make me sad sometimes.

My husband and I were raised in the same manner, and he would attend the symphony with me if I asked him, but I would never dream of asking him because he would be bored out of his mind and just go to please me.

Seems that your problem isnt socio-economic background, but rather divergent interests.

This wins for the stupidest thread ever started on DCUM.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a European who married an American, so in terms of level of education, culture, and civilization there was a significant gap. It is hard sometimes, but I committed to my own personal "mission civilisatrice".
And I have actually even found myself learning things from the natives here. Their simplicity, their devotion to their work, and their child-like belief in their God, etc.
So a significant socio-economic gap can be a benefit and offer learning opportunities from an anthropological perspective. I suggest you focus on this, and try to enjoy spending time with the lower classes in their natural habitat.

Obviously you've never met an American Atheist? Or a religious European?

Or watched German reality tv - it's worse than ours and I can't understand German.