Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until you said you live 1800 miles away.
Without your brothers doing the heavy lifting, would you have still left your parents in their home?

Yes, if I could afford it I would have kept my parents at home. My parents had 24 hr professional caregivers and other outsourcing to handle the load. They were receiving better care than a nursing home.

As someone with a child with profound special needs who has care provided by the state 22 hours a week, if you weren’t there, I think it is very unlikely you know the specifics of the care being given. I’ve been doing this for 13 years. Managing the people coming into your home, dealing with things when they get sick or don’t show, communicating changes regularly for care is a lot.

It sounds like Judy is difficult. But just tralalaing like this woman had no legitimate points must have been incredibly frustrating to her. Frankly, your brother sounds like he could be potentially a nightmare husband if he actually ignored her concerns to the point she felt she had to reach out to his siblings.

I don’t care if you invite Judy or not. I doubt she would want to come, but you need to stop telling yourself that your sibling had all these choices not to deal with care issues.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. SIL is invited. I want to keep the peace with my brother. Gotta invite husband and wife or neither. The End.

Good for you OP. Wishing you peace.

Glad you invited her.

If you are blaming her for your dad’s death, that is unlikely to be true. But it may feel emotionally true for you.

It would have been better had your brother spoken up calmly, rather than SIL, but that wasn’t what they chose to do.

Elder are is very hard. I am sure you have thanked your brother for all his effort.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on team Judy. You were being a stubborn asshat.

+100. It's lovely how much op minimized the hell that is bed bugs.

You are the ah op.

In our case (OP here) the exterminator said on a scale of 1-10 our bedbug infestation was a 1. Two professional spray treatments, done.

That’s not how bed bugs work honey. Go to the house and do some checking. I’d actually trash those beds and all the bedding while you are down there

Uh, combative in the nursing home then immediately fell and died? Hmmmm

I have questions.

Is your mother safe there? Can she tell you if she is?

Sounds to me like the home health aids we’re keeping them dirty but the nursing home staff are sus. You can’t win.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and the other siblings left her and your brother to do the hard work of caring for/overseeing your parents. While there was care 24/7 at their home, that still required family to oversee that care, fill in gaps when a caretaker was sick or late or quit. You brother and SIL were taking your parents to appointments and it sounds like you brother was the only sibling visiting your parents regularly. Your SIL called you all out on it and you resent her for it. That doesn’t make her wrong.

I did the scheduling of caregivers, handled call offs when people were sick/late. I had a great agency and private caregivers and I could close the gap 99% of the time with another caregiver, if not, I would call my other adult family members, 2 brothers or a friend and someone would come through, thankfully. That is what my family does.

My parents were both on hospice since June 2025 so there were no more outside doctor appointments for the past year. Brother 1 is retired. Brother 2 visited regularly around his full time work schedule. I am fully aware that brother 1 did more but if it was causing problems with his wife, he should have let us siblings know "hey this isn't working for me anymore". We thought everything was fine until SIL started texting us her complaints and calling us m-f'ers.

If you were the scheduler, you would know that there are gaps. Unless you had 2 people overlapping at all times, there would be some gaps.

My dad needs 24-7 care. As you probably already know, home aids can be flaky. They quit. There are gaps. It is extremely hard on local sibling.

You all should be grateful.

I would be upset about the bedbugs. I would freak out too.

OP here. SIL is invited. I want to keep the peace with my brother. Gotta invite husband and wife or neither. The End.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's funny that you somehow see an invitation to a school graduation party like a ticket to the Oscars or something. Let me let you in on something. It's not a hot ticket. It's an obligation event. I'm sure it will be a relief to not have to attend. Of course you invite the married couple together.

LOL. OP here. In my closely-knit extended family, it IS a hot ticket and we are happy to attend graduation parties for each cousin over the years. We also meet at a restaurant for quarterly birthday parties (summer, fall, winter, spring) for family members born in those months. Aunts, uncles, cousins. It's like a mini-reunion for those who want to go. No gifts, we pay for our own meal, and we buy a cake. Don't want to go? Don't have to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on team Judy. You were being a stubborn asshat.

+100. It's lovely how much op minimized the hell that is bed bugs.

You are the ah op.

In our case (OP here) the exterminator said on a scale of 1-10 our bedbug infestation was a 1. Two professional spray treatments, done.

I think it's funny that you somehow see an invitation to a school graduation party like a ticket to the Oscars or something. Let me let you in on something. It's not a hot ticket. It's an obligation event. I'm sure it will be a relief to not have to attend. Of course you invite the married couple together.

Anonymous wrote:Your party and you don't like or want her there, don't invite her. You're allowed to feel the way you do. You don't have to sacrifice your celebration to keep the peace. I've faced something similar and regretted being talked into giving in to the "Judy" in my life. Life is too short for that. She already thinks you're an MF, so you have nothing to lose here, as far as I can see. Her issues are with your brother and if he's anything like mine, he is the biggest problem in the equation.

I see your point and I can understand your regret. In my case, I've decided to invite Judy because I don't want to lose my brother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your party and you don't like or want her there, don't invite her. You're allowed to feel the way you do. You don't have to sacrifice your celebration to keep the peace. I've faced something similar and regretted being talked into giving in to the "Judy" in my life. Life is too short for that. She already thinks you're an MF, so you have nothing to lose here, as far as I can see. Her issues are with your brother and if he's anything like mine, he is the biggest problem in the equation.

It's very different if a relative is prone to outbursts that ruin events. I don't see any evidence of that here. It's hurt feelings about the past that are raw on both sides. I honestly don't know what it means to "not invite" a spouse to a party 1800 (!) miles away. This feels like the end of your relationship with that brother, OP.

Likely Judy will decide not to come and blame the distance but specifically saying "your wife is not welcome" is very different. Who's going to just say "okay sounds great then."

I decided to invite Judy. The party is being held where my extended family lives which is where I grew up. They do not have to travel.