Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IL posts are tough. I hope that most of the posters are just trolling. If not, DCUM is really full of sad and spiteful women. And for whom karma awaits.

Since some of the posters seem to be so intimately familiar with OPs in-law relationship I wonder if they can tell us exactly how MIL came to find out about this party? Or about the missed babysitting opportunity? Seems to be a massive communication problem flowing from OPs house to the ILs that OP is dancing around.

Social media of some sort. Or a family text. Duh. No 7 year old BD party is kept completely under wraps these days.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IL posts are tough. I hope that most of the posters are just trolling. If not, DCUM is really full of sad and spiteful women. And for whom karma awaits.

Since some of the posters seem to be so intimately familiar with OPs in-law relationship I wonder if they can tell us exactly how MIL came to find out about this party? Or about the missed babysitting opportunity? Seems to be a massive communication problem flowing from OPs house to the ILs that OP is dancing around.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter just turned 7. We had a birthday party with all her friends as she requested. My in laws live 4 hours away, we had already made plans to visit my in laws and extended family the weekend after her birthday party for a bridal shower so we did not invite my husbands family. We figured we would come early and spend a long weekend with everyone and celebrate my daughter with cake/etc.
My parents/siblings are local so we invited them. My nieces are around the same ages as my daughter and really wanted them there (nieces on my husband side are much younger).

My MIL is so offended she was not invited to her birthday and my parents/family were. Am i crazy for thinking this is absolutely out of line?! Despite the distance we see my ILs pretty often (at least one weekend a month).

I’m so tired of feeling guilty about inviting my parents to anything since they are local. My ILs live near their other grandchildren and kids so it’s not like they are alone. The other day we got a babysitter when my parents weren’t available and my MIL was upset because we didn’t ask her to come down and babysit. Is this normal?’

Next time just communicate the plan ahead of time, including your reasoning, and give them an opportunity to say "actually we'd totally come down even though we are seeing you the following weekend" if that's what they are going to do. They don't want to feel left out.

We never invite my parents (3 hour drive) to kid stuff because they never come. They made it to my older kid's 1-year birthday party but never to anything subsequent except major lifecycle events like a bris or bar mitzvah. They just aren't interested. They're much happier having us visit at some point and doing a cake then. My inlaws, on the other hand, are local-ish (2 hour drive) and want to come to everything including friend birthday parties. We stopped inviting them too when the kids got old enough that they didn't want their grandparents at their friend party, but we tell the inlaws that and arrange another time when they can come by for dinner and cake. Truthfully they'd rather come to the friend party but they understand that the kids want just their friends at this point.

It's all about communication, we work it out ahead of time and no one feels hurt. If they do, they have been mature enough not to say so.

Question: at what age did your kids decide they didn't "want" their grandparents at a birthday party? And how did you react to that? Did you turn it into a teaching moment? Or were you like, ok, we understand, screw your grandparents who love you obviously the world should revolve around your every wish?

I'm not being snarky, I'm being serious.

Our oldest granddaugher turns 14 this summer. She's about to start high school. And I kid you not: she would never in a million years not want us at any party that her parents throw for her. Never. I truly feel sorry for your family.

Not PP. around age 11, my kids started wanting sleepovers with a small group of close friends. Thanks for feeling sorry for us? But we’re all very happy.

Also sorry that was never an option for your granddaughter. My daughter and her friends had memorable slumber parties that they loved.

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Anonymous wrote:You see them often enough that the drive is clearly not a big deal for them. I really don't get why you didn't invite them. It causes no extra work for you. You don't need to figure out if it works with your schedule. You don't need to figure out transportation. If they normally stay with you, you could have had DH book a hotel, which takes all of 5 minutes. This seems like a major oversight on your part and I'm really surprised you need so many people to point this out for you.

Why is it an oversight on her part and not the husband? Where is the husband in all of this? It is his family. Also, I bet if you book a hotel for them, then they’re going to be offended by that so you can’t win. Let your husband deal with his family as anything you do is going to be critiqued and judged. I would ignore her complaints if I was you. Who has time for that?

I can guarantee OP was the hostess who planned the party and issued the invites. In that case it would be on her to extend an invite to the ILs as well. It's always nice to just be invited, even if it doesn't even make sense for the to come. Issue the invite, they say no, and everyone's happy.

This isn’t preventing the husband from extending an invite

Of course it is. Did they both sit there and add addresses to the evite one by one taking turns? Did he invite his friends and she invited hers? The person putting in all the recipient information does all of it. It's not a 2 person job.

And he’s not doing any of it. His parents raised a spoiled man who doesn’t help with party planning. The daughter in law has to deal with her adult child. She doesn’t need them staying at her house too.

Ah the parents spoiled him but OP married him so she saw something good enough. Or she was desperate.

Or she married him but not her mother-in-law.

She married into his family. That's what a marriage is. But being petty and refusing to invite one set of guests is weird. OP is likely trolling to rile up the usual MIL haters.

No, she married a person. That’s why the marriage contract is between two people.

Then why does she see her in-laws at all?

That’s up to her.

If I were the MIL I would not test her boundaries with guilt or fighting. I would talk to my son.

If she had simply been invited to the family party it wouldn't come to that. See how this made things worse?

Or she can just stop inviting period, which leaves her even better.

Well at least you admit it was her job in the first place. OP is trying to blame her daughter for all of this using words like "at her request" and because "She really wanted her cousins" there as if the parents played no role in this whatsoever. And then they talked about the party in front of the in-laws they didn't invite. Rude awful people.

She can stop inviting, and it will no longer be her problem, because the son won’t take the initiative.

MIL has relationship problems. Her DIL puts up with her and her son would never see her again if the DIL stopped.

No, it's still a problem because she runs her big mouth and made a point of telling people she didn't invite about the party they weren't invited to. Whatever did OP do the last 6 years of birthday? Maybe one of her ardent defenders can speak to that as well since OP is MIA.

If she stops seeing them it won’t be an issue will it?

Are you slow? Do you think in person communication is the only way communication works?

Anonymous wrote:IL posts are tough. I hope that most of the posters are just trolling. If not, DCUM is really full of sad and spiteful women. And for whom karma awaits.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter just turned 7. We had a birthday party with all her friends as she requested. My in laws live 4 hours away, we had already made plans to visit my in laws and extended family the weekend after her birthday party for a bridal shower so we did not invite my husbands family. We figured we would come early and spend a long weekend with everyone and celebrate my daughter with cake/etc.
My parents/siblings are local so we invited them. My nieces are around the same ages as my daughter and really wanted them there (nieces on my husband side are much younger).

My MIL is so offended she was not invited to her birthday and my parents/family were. Am i crazy for thinking this is absolutely out of line?! Despite the distance we see my ILs pretty often (at least one weekend a month).

I’m so tired of feeling guilty about inviting my parents to anything since they are local. My ILs live near their other grandchildren and kids so it’s not like they are alone. The other day we got a babysitter when my parents weren’t available and my MIL was upset because we didn’t ask her to come down and babysit. Is this normal?’

Next time just communicate the plan ahead of time, including your reasoning, and give them an opportunity to say "actually we'd totally come down even though we are seeing you the following weekend" if that's what they are going to do. They don't want to feel left out.

We never invite my parents (3 hour drive) to kid stuff because they never come. They made it to my older kid's 1-year birthday party but never to anything subsequent except major lifecycle events like a bris or bar mitzvah. They just aren't interested. They're much happier having us visit at some point and doing a cake then. My inlaws, on the other hand, are local-ish (2 hour drive) and want to come to everything including friend birthday parties. We stopped inviting them too when the kids got old enough that they didn't want their grandparents at their friend party, but we tell the inlaws that and arrange another time when they can come by for dinner and cake. Truthfully they'd rather come to the friend party but they understand that the kids want just their friends at this point.

It's all about communication, we work it out ahead of time and no one feels hurt. If they do, they have been mature enough not to say so.

Question: at what age did your kids decide they didn't "want" their grandparents at a birthday party? And how did you react to that? Did you turn it into a teaching moment? Or were you like, ok, we understand, screw your grandparents who love you obviously the world should revolve around your every wish?

I'm not being snarky, I'm being serious.

Our oldest granddaugher turns 14 this summer. She's about to start high school. And I kid you not: she would never in a million years not want us at any party that her parents throw for her. Never. I truly feel sorry for your family.

Not PP. around age 11, my kids started wanting sleepovers with a small group of close friends. Thanks for feeling sorry for us? But we’re all very happy.

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Anonymous wrote:You see them often enough that the drive is clearly not a big deal for them. I really don't get why you didn't invite them. It causes no extra work for you. You don't need to figure out if it works with your schedule. You don't need to figure out transportation. If they normally stay with you, you could have had DH book a hotel, which takes all of 5 minutes. This seems like a major oversight on your part and I'm really surprised you need so many people to point this out for you.

Why is it an oversight on her part and not the husband? Where is the husband in all of this? It is his family. Also, I bet if you book a hotel for them, then they’re going to be offended by that so you can’t win. Let your husband deal with his family as anything you do is going to be critiqued and judged. I would ignore her complaints if I was you. Who has time for that?

I can guarantee OP was the hostess who planned the party and issued the invites. In that case it would be on her to extend an invite to the ILs as well. It's always nice to just be invited, even if it doesn't even make sense for the to come. Issue the invite, they say no, and everyone's happy.

This isn’t preventing the husband from extending an invite

Of course it is. Did they both sit there and add addresses to the evite one by one taking turns? Did he invite his friends and she invited hers? The person putting in all the recipient information does all of it. It's not a 2 person job.

And he’s not doing any of it. His parents raised a spoiled man who doesn’t help with party planning. The daughter in law has to deal with her adult child. She doesn’t need them staying at her house too.

Ah the parents spoiled him but OP married him so she saw something good enough. Or she was desperate.

Or she married him but not her mother-in-law.

She married into his family. That's what a marriage is. But being petty and refusing to invite one set of guests is weird. OP is likely trolling to rile up the usual MIL haters.

No, she married a person. That’s why the marriage contract is between two people.

Then why does she see her in-laws at all?

That’s up to her.

If I were the MIL I would not test her boundaries with guilt or fighting. I would talk to my son.

If she had simply been invited to the family party it wouldn't come to that. See how this made things worse?

Or she can just stop inviting period, which leaves her even better.

Well at least you admit it was her job in the first place. OP is trying to blame her daughter for all of this using words like "at her request" and because "She really wanted her cousins" there as if the parents played no role in this whatsoever. And then they talked about the party in front of the in-laws they didn't invite. Rude awful people.

She can stop inviting, and it will no longer be her problem, because the son won’t take the initiative.

MIL has relationship problems. Her DIL puts up with her and her son would never see her again if the DIL stopped.

No, it's still a problem because she runs her big mouth and made a point of telling people she didn't invite about the party they weren't invited to. Whatever did OP do the last 6 years of birthday? Maybe one of her ardent defenders can speak to that as well since OP is MIA.

If she stops seeing them it won’t be an issue will it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter just turned 7. We had a birthday party with all her friends as she requested. My in laws live 4 hours away, we had already made plans to visit my in laws and extended family the weekend after her birthday party for a bridal shower so we did not invite my husbands family. We figured we would come early and spend a long weekend with everyone and celebrate my daughter with cake/etc.
My parents/siblings are local so we invited them. My nieces are around the same ages as my daughter and really wanted them there (nieces on my husband side are much younger).

My MIL is so offended she was not invited to her birthday and my parents/family were. Am i crazy for thinking this is absolutely out of line?! Despite the distance we see my ILs pretty often (at least one weekend a month).

I’m so tired of feeling guilty about inviting my parents to anything since they are local. My ILs live near their other grandchildren and kids so it’s not like they are alone. The other day we got a babysitter when my parents weren’t available and my MIL was upset because we didn’t ask her to come down and babysit. Is this normal?’

Next time just communicate the plan ahead of time, including your reasoning, and give them an opportunity to say "actually we'd totally come down even though we are seeing you the following weekend" if that's what they are going to do. They don't want to feel left out.

We never invite my parents (3 hour drive) to kid stuff because they never come. They made it to my older kid's 1-year birthday party but never to anything subsequent except major lifecycle events like a bris or bar mitzvah. They just aren't interested. They're much happier having us visit at some point and doing a cake then. My inlaws, on the other hand, are local-ish (2 hour drive) and want to come to everything including friend birthday parties. We stopped inviting them too when the kids got old enough that they didn't want their grandparents at their friend party, but we tell the inlaws that and arrange another time when they can come by for dinner and cake. Truthfully they'd rather come to the friend party but they understand that the kids want just their friends at this point.

It's all about communication, we work it out ahead of time and no one feels hurt. If they do, they have been mature enough not to say so.

Question: at what age did your kids decide they didn't "want" their grandparents at a birthday party? And how did you react to that? Did you turn it into a teaching moment? Or were you like, ok, we understand, screw your grandparents who love you obviously the world should revolve around your every wish?

I'm not being snarky, I'm being serious.

Our oldest granddaugher turns 14 this summer. She's about to start high school. And I kid you not: she would never in a million years not want us at any party that her parents throw for her. Never. I truly feel sorry for your family.

Not PP. around age 11, my kids started wanting sleepovers with a small group of close friends. Thanks for feeling sorry for us? But we’re all very happy.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You see them often enough that the drive is clearly not a big deal for them. I really don't get why you didn't invite them. It causes no extra work for you. You don't need to figure out if it works with your schedule. You don't need to figure out transportation. If they normally stay with you, you could have had DH book a hotel, which takes all of 5 minutes. This seems like a major oversight on your part and I'm really surprised you need so many people to point this out for you.

Why is it an oversight on her part and not the husband? Where is the husband in all of this? It is his family. Also, I bet if you book a hotel for them, then they’re going to be offended by that so you can’t win. Let your husband deal with his family as anything you do is going to be critiqued and judged. I would ignore her complaints if I was you. Who has time for that?

I can guarantee OP was the hostess who planned the party and issued the invites. In that case it would be on her to extend an invite to the ILs as well. It's always nice to just be invited, even if it doesn't even make sense for the to come. Issue the invite, they say no, and everyone's happy.

This isn’t preventing the husband from extending an invite

Of course it is. Did they both sit there and add addresses to the evite one by one taking turns? Did he invite his friends and she invited hers? The person putting in all the recipient information does all of it. It's not a 2 person job.

And he’s not doing any of it. His parents raised a spoiled man who doesn’t help with party planning. The daughter in law has to deal with her adult child. She doesn’t need them staying at her house too.

Ah the parents spoiled him but OP married him so she saw something good enough. Or she was desperate.

Or she married him but not her mother-in-law.

She married into his family. That's what a marriage is. But being petty and refusing to invite one set of guests is weird. OP is likely trolling to rile up the usual MIL haters.

No, she married a person. That’s why the marriage contract is between two people.

Then why does she see her in-laws at all?

That’s up to her.

If I were the MIL I would not test her boundaries with guilt or fighting. I would talk to my son.

If she had simply been invited to the family party it wouldn't come to that. See how this made things worse?

Or she can just stop inviting period, which leaves her even better.

Well at least you admit it was her job in the first place. OP is trying to blame her daughter for all of this using words like "at her request" and because "She really wanted her cousins" there as if the parents played no role in this whatsoever. And then they talked about the party in front of the in-laws they didn't invite. Rude awful people.

She can stop inviting, and it will no longer be her problem, because the son won’t take the initiative.

MIL has relationship problems. Her DIL puts up with her and her son would never see her again if the DIL stopped.

No, it's still a problem because she runs her big mouth and made a point of telling people she didn't invite about the party they weren't invited to. Whatever did OP do the last 6 years of birthday? Maybe one of her ardent defenders can speak to that as well since OP is MIA.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter just turned 7. We had a birthday party with all her friends as she requested. My in laws live 4 hours away, we had already made plans to visit my in laws and extended family the weekend after her birthday party for a bridal shower so we did not invite my husbands family. We figured we would come early and spend a long weekend with everyone and celebrate my daughter with cake/etc.
My parents/siblings are local so we invited them. My nieces are around the same ages as my daughter and really wanted them there (nieces on my husband side are much younger).

My MIL is so offended she was not invited to her birthday and my parents/family were. Am i crazy for thinking this is absolutely out of line?! Despite the distance we see my ILs pretty often (at least one weekend a month).

I’m so tired of feeling guilty about inviting my parents to anything since they are local. My ILs live near their other grandchildren and kids so it’s not like they are alone. The other day we got a babysitter when my parents weren’t available and my MIL was upset because we didn’t ask her to come down and babysit. Is this normal?’

Next time just communicate the plan ahead of time, including your reasoning, and give them an opportunity to say "actually we'd totally come down even though we are seeing you the following weekend" if that's what they are going to do. They don't want to feel left out.

We never invite my parents (3 hour drive) to kid stuff because they never come. They made it to my older kid's 1-year birthday party but never to anything subsequent except major lifecycle events like a bris or bar mitzvah. They just aren't interested. They're much happier having us visit at some point and doing a cake then. My inlaws, on the other hand, are local-ish (2 hour drive) and want to come to everything including friend birthday parties. We stopped inviting them too when the kids got old enough that they didn't want their grandparents at their friend party, but we tell the inlaws that and arrange another time when they can come by for dinner and cake. Truthfully they'd rather come to the friend party but they understand that the kids want just their friends at this point.

It's all about communication, we work it out ahead of time and no one feels hurt. If they do, they have been mature enough not to say so.

Question: at what age did your kids decide they didn't "want" their grandparents at a birthday party? And how did you react to that? Did you turn it into a teaching moment? Or were you like, ok, we understand, screw your grandparents who love you obviously the world should revolve around your every wish?

I'm not being snarky, I'm being serious.

Our oldest granddaugher turns 14 this summer. She's about to start high school. And I kid you not: she would never in a million years not want us at any party that her parents throw for her. Never. I truly feel sorry for your family.

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Anonymous wrote:You see them often enough that the drive is clearly not a big deal for them. I really don't get why you didn't invite them. It causes no extra work for you. You don't need to figure out if it works with your schedule. You don't need to figure out transportation. If they normally stay with you, you could have had DH book a hotel, which takes all of 5 minutes. This seems like a major oversight on your part and I'm really surprised you need so many people to point this out for you.

Why is it an oversight on her part and not the husband? Where is the husband in all of this? It is his family. Also, I bet if you book a hotel for them, then they’re going to be offended by that so you can’t win. Let your husband deal with his family as anything you do is going to be critiqued and judged. I would ignore her complaints if I was you. Who has time for that?

I can guarantee OP was the hostess who planned the party and issued the invites. In that case it would be on her to extend an invite to the ILs as well. It's always nice to just be invited, even if it doesn't even make sense for the to come. Issue the invite, they say no, and everyone's happy.

This isn’t preventing the husband from extending an invite

Of course it is. Did they both sit there and add addresses to the evite one by one taking turns? Did he invite his friends and she invited hers? The person putting in all the recipient information does all of it. It's not a 2 person job.

And he’s not doing any of it. His parents raised a spoiled man who doesn’t help with party planning. The daughter in law has to deal with her adult child. She doesn’t need them staying at her house too.

Ah the parents spoiled him but OP married him so she saw something good enough. Or she was desperate.

Or she married him but not her mother-in-law.

She married into his family. That's what a marriage is. But being petty and refusing to invite one set of guests is weird. OP is likely trolling to rile up the usual MIL haters.

No, she married a person. That’s why the marriage contract is between two people.

Then why does she see her in-laws at all?

That’s up to her.

If I were the MIL I would not test her boundaries with guilt or fighting. I would talk to my son.

If she had simply been invited to the family party it wouldn't come to that. See how this made things worse?

Or she can just stop inviting period, which leaves her even better.

Well at least you admit it was her job in the first place. OP is trying to blame her daughter for all of this using words like "at her request" and because "She really wanted her cousins" there as if the parents played no role in this whatsoever. And then they talked about the party in front of the in-laws they didn't invite. Rude awful people.

She can stop inviting, and it will no longer be her problem, because the son won’t take the initiative.

MIL has relationship problems. Her DIL puts up with her and her son would never see her again if the DIL stopped.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter just turned 7. We had a birthday party with all her friends as she requested. My in laws live 4 hours away, we had already made plans to visit my in laws and extended family the weekend after her birthday party for a bridal shower so we did not invite my husbands family. We figured we would come early and spend a long weekend with everyone and celebrate my daughter with cake/etc.
My parents/siblings are local so we invited them. My nieces are around the same ages as my daughter and really wanted them there (nieces on my husband side are much younger).

My MIL is so offended she was not invited to her birthday and my parents/family were. Am i crazy for thinking this is absolutely out of line?! Despite the distance we see my ILs pretty often (at least one weekend a month).

I’m so tired of feeling guilty about inviting my parents to anything since they are local. My ILs live near their other grandchildren and kids so it’s not like they are alone. The other day we got a babysitter when my parents weren’t available and my MIL was upset because we didn’t ask her to come down and babysit. Is this normal?’

Next time just communicate the plan ahead of time, including your reasoning, and give them an opportunity to say "actually we'd totally come down even though we are seeing you the following weekend" if that's what they are going to do. They don't want to feel left out.

We never invite my parents (3 hour drive) to kid stuff because they never come. They made it to my older kid's 1-year birthday party but never to anything subsequent except major lifecycle events like a bris or bar mitzvah. They just aren't interested. They're much happier having us visit at some point and doing a cake then. My inlaws, on the other hand, are local-ish (2 hour drive) and want to come to everything including friend birthday parties. We stopped inviting them too when the kids got old enough that they didn't want their grandparents at their friend party, but we tell the inlaws that and arrange another time when they can come by for dinner and cake. Truthfully they'd rather come to the friend party but they understand that the kids want just their friends at this point.

It's all about communication, we work it out ahead of time and no one feels hurt. If they do, they have been mature enough not to say so.

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Anonymous wrote:You see them often enough that the drive is clearly not a big deal for them. I really don't get why you didn't invite them. It causes no extra work for you. You don't need to figure out if it works with your schedule. You don't need to figure out transportation. If they normally stay with you, you could have had DH book a hotel, which takes all of 5 minutes. This seems like a major oversight on your part and I'm really surprised you need so many people to point this out for you.

Why is it an oversight on her part and not the husband? Where is the husband in all of this? It is his family. Also, I bet if you book a hotel for them, then they’re going to be offended by that so you can’t win. Let your husband deal with his family as anything you do is going to be critiqued and judged. I would ignore her complaints if I was you. Who has time for that?

I can guarantee OP was the hostess who planned the party and issued the invites. In that case it would be on her to extend an invite to the ILs as well. It's always nice to just be invited, even if it doesn't even make sense for the to come. Issue the invite, they say no, and everyone's happy.

This isn’t preventing the husband from extending an invite

Of course it is. Did they both sit there and add addresses to the evite one by one taking turns? Did he invite his friends and she invited hers? The person putting in all the recipient information does all of it. It's not a 2 person job.

And he’s not doing any of it. His parents raised a spoiled man who doesn’t help with party planning. The daughter in law has to deal with her adult child. She doesn’t need them staying at her house too.

Ah the parents spoiled him but OP married him so she saw something good enough. Or she was desperate.

Or she married him but not her mother-in-law.

She married into his family. That's what a marriage is. But being petty and refusing to invite one set of guests is weird. OP is likely trolling to rile up the usual MIL haters.

No, she married a person. That’s why the marriage contract is between two people.

Then why does she see her in-laws at all?

That’s up to her.

If I were the MIL I would not test her boundaries with guilt or fighting. I would talk to my son.

If she had simply been invited to the family party it wouldn't come to that. See how this made things worse?

Or she can just stop inviting period, which leaves her even better.

Well at least you admit it was her job in the first place. OP is trying to blame her daughter for all of this using words like "at her request" and because "She really wanted her cousins" there as if the parents played no role in this whatsoever. And then they talked about the party in front of the in-laws they didn't invite. Rude awful people.