Anonymous
06/02/2026 13:01
Subject: What do you wish you had known/done differently
Anonymous wrote:My kid is entirely self motivated and puts enormous pressure on themselves to do well. It’s built in to their DNA. I do everything in my power to push balance and breaks and a more wholesome worldview and emphasize that there is way more life than grades and scores. Child is at Top 10.
I couldn’t force child to be different and child was innately different than many of my peers children who were telling them to go study and put their phone away etc. I didn’t do anything differently but I do feel like some of it is just who a child is. These parents wanted their kids to do well but the bottom line is that the child has to want it. And most kids aren’t built for the real slog. They want to get into fancy school at the end of the day but they aren’t grinding for every single point on every single assignment. They just — rightly - don’t care in the same way. And that’s fine. It’s not a judgment. You just can’t really know or predict or force it.
Agree with this. There are kids out there who are just incredibly self driven and you either have one of you don't and 99% of us don't. Many of us have smart kids but we don't have outlier driven kids. I don't but in the course of raising my 3 children I met some of these kids. They stand out.
Anonymous
06/02/2026 12:56
Subject: What do you wish you had known/done differently
Anonymous wrote:Senior year parent here, and I wish I had spent less brainpower thinking and reading about college. In retrospect it was a huge multi-year waste of time and energy for me and my spouse and took up too much of our mental space. Kid is going to HYP which is nice but has very little to do with all our podcast listening. I wish we had spent last year building hobbies or interests that would carry us into next year and beyond when our kid is gone.
I agree with this. Kids are settled in colleges and now I'm wondering why the heck I spent so much freaking time and mental effort on it all.
Anonymous
06/02/2026 12:53
Subject: What do you wish you had known/done differently
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?
I think that you need to first accept that things are different now. Let your kid have a childhood and develop their interests organically. I think trying to curate a childhood is insane and damaging. Maybe move the goal post from a T10 to a T50 and let your kid be a kid.
But the problem is that kids who apply to the T10 do not get into the t50 - BU, BC, Northeastern as mentioned - in RD as they all yield protect. When you view yourself as a kid who has a shot at Brown, then ends up at Fordham, its not a good experience.
Tbh, this happens rarely at our private....and if it does, that kid transfers to Brown, Michigan, Emory by applying Oct 15 for the winter semester.
You can't apply to brown mid freshman year. Mid year transfer is only for sophomore and junior years.
Anonymous
06/02/2026 12:32
Subject: What do you wish you had known/done differently
Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?
Don't be passive about helping your children discover what excites them.
If your child doesn't get exposed to competitive math until they are in 9th grade, it is almost too late to participate competitively, same thing with baseball, same thing with a lot of things.
Discouraging an activity your child enjoys is a mistake. They will spend that time doomscrolling rather than doing what you think would be more productive.
Your kid will grow up way faster than you think. Enjoy their childhood but don't let that interfere with their growth and development. Learning discipline now will prevent a lot of pain in their future, and you don't have forever to teach them, it has to start on day 1.
Anonymous
06/02/2026 12:11
Subject: What do you wish you had known/done differently
My kid is entirely self motivated and puts enormous pressure on themselves to do well. It’s built in to their DNA. I do everything in my power to push balance and breaks and a more wholesome worldview and emphasize that there is way more life than grades and scores. Child is at Top 10.
I couldn’t force child to be different and child was innately different than many of my peers children who were telling them to go study and put their phone away etc. I didn’t do anything differently but I do feel like some of it is just who a child is. These parents wanted their kids to do well but the bottom line is that the child has to want it. And most kids aren’t built for the real slog. They want to get into fancy school at the end of the day but they aren’t grinding for every single point on every single assignment. They just — rightly - don’t care in the same way. And that’s fine. It’s not a judgment. You just can’t really know or predict or force it.
I couldn’t force child to be different and child was innately different than many of my peers children who were telling them to go study and put their phone away etc. I didn’t do anything differently but I do feel like some of it is just who a child is. These parents wanted their kids to do well but the bottom line is that the child has to want it. And most kids aren’t built for the real slog. They want to get into fancy school at the end of the day but they aren’t grinding for every single point on every single assignment. They just — rightly - don’t care in the same way. And that’s fine. It’s not a judgment. You just can’t really know or predict or force it.
Anonymous
06/02/2026 11:50
Subject: What do you wish you had known/done differently
Anonymous wrote:Hire an independent college counselor from freshman year to guide you in extra curricular activities selection. For the top 40 schools, all the kids have excellent GPAs and high SAT scores, so it boils down to their extra curriculars and personal narrative. When you are looking at colleges with a sub 10% acceptance rate, the most important thing is to stand out from the rest of the applicants.
I would add that you probably want to have this lined up before picking classes for 9th grade.
Anonymous
06/02/2026 11:37
Subject: What do you wish you had known/done differently
Senior year parent here, and I wish I had spent less brainpower thinking and reading about college. In retrospect it was a huge multi-year waste of time and energy for me and my spouse and took up too much of our mental space. Kid is going to HYP which is nice but has very little to do with all our podcast listening. I wish we had spent last year building hobbies or interests that would carry us into next year and beyond when our kid is gone.
Anonymous
06/02/2026 11:37
Subject: What do you wish you had known/done differently
We let ours follow her interests, which were athletics and max rigor. In retrospect, I’d have managed her course load to maximize unweighted gpa, while also focusing on standardized test prep.
Anonymous
06/02/2026 11:35
Subject: Re:What do you wish you had known/done differently
Nothing.
Focus on the best education for your kids and not outcomes.
We switched our kids from a grade inflated public to a private for high school—amazing teachers, smaller class sizes, “whole education” (not teach to the test), required world religions/ethics, etc.
We let them do whatever they wanted for ECs. We did not micromanage.
One is at an Ivy and the other headed to a private T20–which we never planned. They didn’t even think about where they would apply until summer of junior year.
I think people rush through and focus on college while missing the experiences and growth in HS and it’s not healthy.
My kids were set for life with the foundation their HS gave them—focus on the person/giving back/good ethics, as well as questioning, curiosity and standing up for those who can’t themselves. It’s a sh@t world and we need more than “finance bros”
Focus on the best education for your kids and not outcomes.
We switched our kids from a grade inflated public to a private for high school—amazing teachers, smaller class sizes, “whole education” (not teach to the test), required world religions/ethics, etc.
We let them do whatever they wanted for ECs. We did not micromanage.
One is at an Ivy and the other headed to a private T20–which we never planned. They didn’t even think about where they would apply until summer of junior year.
I think people rush through and focus on college while missing the experiences and growth in HS and it’s not healthy.
My kids were set for life with the foundation their HS gave them—focus on the person/giving back/good ethics, as well as questioning, curiosity and standing up for those who can’t themselves. It’s a sh@t world and we need more than “finance bros”
Anonymous
06/02/2026 11:26
Subject: What do you wish you had known/done differently
Anonymous wrote:I would not focus on college super early at all. It's important to not have kids burn out. I do think elementary/middle school is great for 1) establishing solid foundation in key academic areas 2) letting kids try many different things and see what they really enjoy. 3) Read!
In high school, developing compelling personal narrative is much easier when there is an authenticity and longevity in their activities/leadership activities.
100% this...it all comes out naturally in 11th grade if you have (1) big readers who do well in school and (2) let them pursue any and all random interests they want.
It doesn't have to be a school club.....my DS was involved peripherally at school (minor positions/leadership + 2 sports) but was very involved in his own self-led (weird) projects outside of school. At Ivy.
Anonymous
06/02/2026 10:44
Subject: What do you wish you had known/done differently
I would not focus on college super early at all. It's important to not have kids burn out. I do think elementary/middle school is great for 1) establishing solid foundation in key academic areas 2) letting kids try many different things and see what they really enjoy. 3) Read!
In high school, developing compelling personal narrative is much easier when there is an authenticity and longevity in their activities/leadership activities.
In high school, developing compelling personal narrative is much easier when there is an authenticity and longevity in their activities/leadership activities.
Anonymous
06/02/2026 00:26
Subject: What do you wish you had known/done differently
My advice is to not micromanage your kids and let them pursue what they are passionate about. Or even just mildly interested in.
Hiring a consultant in 9th grade, as someone suggested, will produce a polished but inauthentic application and will likely rob your child of some essential childhood expreinces.
Hiring a consultant in 9th grade, as someone suggested, will produce a polished but inauthentic application and will likely rob your child of some essential childhood expreinces.
Anonymous
06/02/2026 00:20
Subject: Re:What do you wish you had known/done differently
Anonymous wrote:My advice is enjoy your children and encourage them to be who they are and do not even think about this right now. Focus on other things.
+1000%
Anonymous
06/01/2026 18:56
Subject: What do you wish you had known/done differently
Most important thing to do is to remember this is their journey not your journey. Don’t micromanage their path. You had a great experience at a top 10 school. There are lots of schools where you can have an amazing experience. Ever met a Michigan or Wisconsin alum? Let them be kids for now. Who knows what the college application process will be like in 10-15 years.
Anonymous
06/01/2026 17:02
Subject: What do you wish you had known/done differently
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Our kids are still young (elementary age) but I’ve been following the college talk with friends with older kids who have gone through it already, and can’t believe how much has changed since our college days. DH and I both graduated from a T10 (that doesn’t give legacy preference) and would love for our kids to have a similar experience one day, but I know getting into a T20 is much harder now.
If you could start over in elementary years, what do you wish you had known or would do differently? Public or private school? Focus on ECs? Friend group? Do you wish there was less college pressure, or do you wish you had pushed your kids harder?
I think that you need to first accept that things are different now. Let your kid have a childhood and develop their interests organically. I think trying to curate a childhood is insane and damaging. Maybe move the goal post from a T10 to a T50 and let your kid be a kid.
But the problem is that kids who apply to the T10 do not get into the t50 - BU, BC, Northeastern as mentioned - in RD as they all yield protect. When you view yourself as a kid who has a shot at Brown, then ends up at Fordham, its not a good experience.
Then you failed as a parent .