Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to know what you’re really asking about OP. You’re presenting her as a genuinely great kid who likes new clothes and material possessions too much but that can’t be what you’re really concerned about if you’re asking us how to “course correct.” You’re not being forthcoming enough about what’s worrying you about her behavior for us to really advise.

Fair point. This is OP. I’ll share the catalyst for my post.

My daughter came home from school recently and told me about “this weird thing” that happened at lunch. Apparently, a cafeteria worker followed a student to her table, removed an item from her tray, left the main meal, and said something about there not being money for whatever side item it was. When I asked, my daughter confirmed that the girl still had a meal.

The girl is someone my daughter knows from two classes, though they aren’t friends. My daughter overheard her telling friends that she didn’t understand what had happened because she’s on the free lunch program.

My daughter had a lot of questions afterward: how people qualify for free lunch, how common it is at her school (about 30% of students), whether it’s easy to qualify, and so on. We talked through all of that. We discussed how embarrassing the situation must have been for the girl and how the cafeteria worker could have handled it differently. My daughter understood and agreed with all of this.

I then reminded my daughter that she carries emergency cash in her backpack and told her that if something like that ever happened again, she could discreetly help out and I would replace the money.

Quite frankly, her response disappointed me. She asked, “Why would I do that? XXX is so mean.”

I was taken aback. I told her that we treat people with kindness and understanding because of our values, not because of how they treat us. She said she would think about it.

I could share other examples, but this one was the most direct. There are texts from friends that go unanswered because she’s tired or simply just doesn’t feel like responding. Sometimes I feel she doesn’t offer friends the validation or attention they’re looking for. She’s just not someone who readily sacrifices her own convenience for others. For example, with her sport there are a lot of carpools, and she consistently positions herself to ride with her closest friends rather than considering what might be easiest or most helpful for the group. She just always seems to out herself and her needs and wants first in a way that I don’t see in my other children.

Empathy comes from understanding or putting yourself in the other person's shows, which it sounds like you did about the cafeteria incident but maybe not about this girl's life in general (which may have been so hard as to give her a mean shell).

You said "my other kids" plural, so assuming you have 3, the free lunch threshold for our school is $69,653. Or you may know the girl's family size. I would have looked that up and talked about how hard it is to live on that amount, the instability, how our modest house would take up X% of that income and leave Y amount for all the other necessities, how much stress must come with that, etc. Not necessarily to imply she has to help her, but to get her to think about how other people have very different experiences that shape them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to know what you’re really asking about OP. You’re presenting her as a genuinely great kid who likes new clothes and material possessions too much but that can’t be what you’re really concerned about if you’re asking us how to “course correct.” You’re not being forthcoming enough about what’s worrying you about her behavior for us to really advise.

Fair point. This is OP. I’ll share the catalyst for my post.

My daughter came home from school recently and told me about “this weird thing” that happened at lunch. Apparently, a cafeteria worker followed a student to her table, removed an item from her tray, left the main meal, and said something about there not being money for whatever side item it was. When I asked, my daughter confirmed that the girl still had a meal.

The girl is someone my daughter knows from two classes, though they aren’t friends. My daughter overheard her telling friends that she didn’t understand what had happened because she’s on the free lunch program.

My daughter had a lot of questions afterward: how people qualify for free lunch, how common it is at her school (about 30% of students), whether it’s easy to qualify, and so on. We talked through all of that. We discussed how embarrassing the situation must have been for the girl and how the cafeteria worker could have handled it differently. My daughter understood and agreed with all of this.

I then reminded my daughter that she carries emergency cash in her backpack and told her that if something like that ever happened again, she could discreetly help out and I would replace the money.

Quite frankly, her response disappointed me. She asked, “Why would I do that? XXX is so mean.”

I was taken aback. I told her that we treat people with kindness and understanding because of our values, not because of how they treat us. She said she would think about it.

I could share other examples, but this one was the most direct. There are texts from friends that go unanswered because she’s tired or simply just doesn’t feel like responding. Sometimes I feel she doesn’t offer friends the validation or attention they’re looking for. She’s just not someone who readily sacrifices her own convenience for others. For example, with her sport there are a lot of carpools, and she consistently positions herself to ride with her closest friends rather than considering what might be easiest or most helpful for the group. She just always seems to out herself and her needs and wants first in a way that I don’t see in my other children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It beggars belief that the inciting incident for OP posting is her daughter’s failure to have a cinematic “and then, everyone clapped” moment by paying for a non-friend’s seeming lunch debt. (I hate that any school anywhere operates with a lunch debt policy - it is cruel.) Or because a young teen isn’t fully aware of the complexities of carpool. Really. Really?

Did you not notice the OPs use of the word discreetly?

Anonymous wrote:It beggars belief that the inciting incident for OP posting is her daughter’s failure to have a cinematic “and then, everyone clapped” moment by paying for a non-friend’s seeming lunch debt. (I hate that any school anywhere operates with a lunch debt policy - it is cruel.) Or because a young teen isn’t fully aware of the complexities of carpool. Really. Really?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to know what you’re really asking about OP. You’re presenting her as a genuinely great kid who likes new clothes and material possessions too much but that can’t be what you’re really concerned about if you’re asking us how to “course correct.” You’re not being forthcoming enough about what’s worrying you about her behavior for us to really advise.

Fair point. This is OP. I’ll share the catalyst for my post.

My daughter came home from school recently and told me about “this weird thing” that happened at lunch. Apparently, a cafeteria worker followed a student to her table, removed an item from her tray, left the main meal, and said something about there not being money for whatever side item it was. When I asked, my daughter confirmed that the girl still had a meal.

The girl is someone my daughter knows from two classes, though they aren’t friends. My daughter overheard her telling friends that she didn’t understand what had happened because she’s on the free lunch program.

My daughter had a lot of questions afterward: how people qualify for free lunch, how common it is at her school (about 30% of students), whether it’s easy to qualify, and so on. We talked through all of that. We discussed how embarrassing the situation must have been for the girl and how the cafeteria worker could have handled it differently. My daughter understood and agreed with all of this.

I then reminded my daughter that she carries emergency cash in her backpack and told her that if something like that ever happened again, she could discreetly help out and I would replace the money.

Quite frankly, her response disappointed me. She asked, “Why would I do that? XXX is so mean.”

I was taken aback. I told her that we treat people with kindness and understanding because of our values, not because of how they treat us. She said she would think about it.

I could share other examples, but this one was the most direct. There are texts from friends that go unanswered because she’s tired or simply just doesn’t feel like responding. Sometimes I feel she doesn’t offer friends the validation or attention they’re looking for. She’s just not someone who readily sacrifices her own convenience for others. For example, with her sport there are a lot of carpools, and she consistently positions herself to ride with her closest friends rather than considering what might be easiest or most helpful for the group. She just always seems to out herself and her needs and wants first in a way that I don’t see in my other children.

Your daughter has great skills! She notices things and asks you about them. She has good boundaries. Mean people do not automatically deserve your assistance, you do not have to answer every text when it comes. She is not a doormat and your should be proud.
A lot of the kindness and SEL curriculum is doing a disservice. Many kids now think you can behave however you want and everyone has to be kind to you and be your friend. In the real world if you are not nice people probably won't buy your lunch. It's good to learn that lesson when you are young and have time to change.

Anonymous wrote:Materialism and lack of empathy aren’t the same. I agree that you shouldn’t give her everything she wants - but in order to build empathy, talk with her frequently about how OTHER people might be feeling. Have her do meaningful community service. When you hear her being unkind, call her out immediately. Ask how her friends are doing and listen for signs of empathy/non-empathy and catch it in the moment. Talk about nuanced topics without a clear right or wrong, where both sides have good points, and have her articulate different points of view.