Anonymous wrote:

Now, did each of these people have to come up to you separately and tell you that they were hungry? Or were you able to intuit that they would want to eat dinner?

Since they were her parents, they likely said nothing, even when asked, out of passive aggression.

Or they sat sobbing about what a disaster their daughter turned out to be until dinner was ready. Or both.

He likely didn’t ask. He just assumed that they weren’t going to eat dinner that night unless they specifically told him that they were.
That’s why he had so many leftovers!

Now, did each of these people have to come up to you separately and tell you that they were hungry? Or were you able to intuit that they would want to eat dinner?

Since they were her parents, they likely said nothing, even when asked, out of passive aggression.

Or they sat sobbing about what a disaster their daughter turned out to be until dinner was ready. Or both.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get home from work. Wife is immediately an intentional a$$hole about a half dozen things. I ask what the problem is, I get told "nothing" four times, so I leave it be.

Aggressive, unpleasant, huffy-puffy pout continues. I ignore it. Not taking the bait or rewarding her antisocial behavior. She's now polluting the whole house. I decamp to the basement and post on the internet/watch TV.

At 7:30, I'm called a jerk for not reheating two portions of leftovers. She never asked for a portion.

This is new. We've been together for 17 years.

Humor me with your guesses

Which one is it Op— Half a dozen things or nothing?

Your post makes zero sense.

Except the part where you’re the selfish, uncommunicative douche who takes a meal someone else cooked yesterday and only heat up and serve yourself it the next dinner.

OP here. The dinner was lambchops, mintchimichurri, roasted potatos, steamed green beans, and home made rolls. I made it. It was leftovers from Easter, which I cooked for our family of 5.... and her mom, dad, brother and wife.

I feel bad for your husband.

Now, did each of these people have to come up to you separately and tell you that they were hungry? Or were you able to intuit that they would want to eat dinner?

Anonymous wrote:You should know why she is upset after so many years and be able to communicate with her well enough to get it out of her. You go and hide.

In all fairness, this is a man who apparently doesn’t know that his wife of 17 years would want to *eat dinner* without her specifically telling him that she was hungry.
So, either this is a man who is extremely clueless about other people, or he is a little disingenuous about what he does or doesn’t know about what other people are thinking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should know why she is upset after so many years and be able to communicate with her well enough to get it out of her. You go and hide.

I'm perfectly willing to believe that OP is more blameworthy than his post lets on. But I have to disagree with the idea that he's supposed to "get it out of her." They're adults. If she's got beef, she should use her words - not treat her family poorly unless and until they divine the nature of her grievances.

He knows why she’s mad. He just doesn’t think it’s a “valid” reason and is totally dismissive of her feelings. “How am I supposed to know what’s wrong?” is just another version of weaponized incompetence. Oh poor me! I can’t understand women!!

Anonymous wrote:You should know why she is upset after so many years and be able to communicate with her well enough to get it out of her. You go and hide.

I'm perfectly willing to believe that OP is more blameworthy than his post lets on. But I have to disagree with the idea that he's supposed to "get it out of her." They're adults. If she's got beef, she should use her words - not treat her family poorly unless and until they divine the nature of her grievances.

You should know why she is upset after so many years and be able to communicate with her well enough to get it out of her. You go and hide.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would “taking the bait and rewarding her behavior” look like?

Arguing and yelling in response rather than walking away if I had to guess. What else would it be?

I would guess it would be listening to whatever she is upset about, trying to empathize, and taking responsibility for whatever part he had to play.

Or giving her a break, making dinner for her and the kids, and letting her take a walk or go to the gym or do whatever she needs to do.

Why would yelling at someone be a reward?

She denied being upset at anything. You calling OP's wife a liar? That's harsh.

That’s not true. She said that she was upset that he didn’t heat up dinner for her. He could have tried to empathize and apologize for hurting her feelings.

That’s what I would consider “rewarding her” anyway. Why would yelling at your spouse be a reward?

The dinner was later in the evening. Wife denied being upset four times when OP got home. (Assuming he's a reliable narrator.)

I hear you. But the one time we do know that she was mad at him and told him why (he didn’t heat up dinner for her), his response was defensive and disingenuous (he didn’t know she was hungry). But we know from the post that he didn’t heat up her dinner because it felt like they were in a fight, she was being difficult and antisocial, and he didn’t want to eat with her.


The fact that he’s willing to lie to us, the readers of this post, about why he didn’t heat up dinner for his wife, makes me think that he’s really invested in portraying himself as really calm and reasonable while painting his wife as crazy. And he really expects that people will buy it. This makes me think that he is likely *not* be telling the truth about whether or not he knows why his wife is upset.


So, short answer, yes, I believe that he asked his wife four times why she was upset and she didn’t tell him. No, I don’t believe that he doesn’t actually know what she’s upset about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would “taking the bait and rewarding her behavior” look like?

Arguing and yelling in response rather than walking away if I had to guess. What else would it be?

I would guess it would be listening to whatever she is upset about, trying to empathize, and taking responsibility for whatever part he had to play.

Or giving her a break, making dinner for her and the kids, and letting her take a walk or go to the gym or do whatever she needs to do.

Why would yelling at someone be a reward?

She denied being upset at anything. You calling OP's wife a liar? That's harsh.

That’s not true. She said that she was upset that he didn’t heat up dinner for her. He could have tried to empathize and apologize for hurting her feelings.

That’s what I would consider “rewarding her” anyway. Why would yelling at your spouse be a reward?

The dinner was later in the evening. Wife denied being upset four times when OP got home. (Assuming he's a reliable narrator.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get home from work. Wife is immediately an intentional a$$hole about a half dozen things. I ask what the problem is, I get told "nothing" four times, so I leave it be.

Aggressive, unpleasant, huffy-puffy pout continues. I ignore it. Not taking the bait or rewarding her antisocial behavior. She's now polluting the whole house. I decamp to the basement and post on the internet/watch TV.

At 7:30, I'm called a jerk for not reheating two portions of leftovers. She never asked for a portion.

This is new. We've been together for 17 years.

Humor me with your guesses

Which one is it Op— Half a dozen things or nothing?

Your post makes zero sense.

Except the part where you’re the selfish, uncommunicative douche who takes a meal someone else cooked yesterday and only heat up and serve yourself it the next dinner.

OP here. The dinner was lambchops, mintchimichurri, roasted potatos, steamed green beans, and home made rolls. I made it. It was leftovers from Easter, which I cooked for our family of 5.... and her mom, dad, brother and wife.

I feel bad for your husband.

She sounds depressed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would “taking the bait and rewarding her behavior” look like?

Arguing and yelling in response rather than walking away if I had to guess. What else would it be?

I would guess it would be listening to whatever she is upset about, trying to empathize, and taking responsibility for whatever part he had to play.

Or giving her a break, making dinner for her and the kids, and letting her take a walk or go to the gym or do whatever she needs to do.

Why would yelling at someone be a reward?

She denied being upset at anything. You calling OP's wife a liar? That's harsh.

That’s not true. She said that she was upset that he didn’t heat up dinner for her. He could have tried to empathize and apologize for hurting her feelings.

That’s what I would consider “rewarding her” anyway. Why would yelling at your spouse be a reward?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would “taking the bait and rewarding her behavior” look like?

Arguing and yelling in response rather than walking away if I had to guess. What else would it be?

I would guess it would be listening to whatever she is upset about, trying to empathize, and taking responsibility for whatever part he had to play.

Or giving her a break, making dinner for her and the kids, and letting her take a walk or go to the gym or do whatever she needs to do.

Why would yelling at someone be a reward?

She denied being upset at anything. You calling OP's wife a liar? That's harsh.

Because she’s so wffing tired of telling him the same d@mm issues over and over again. I say the same thing. If he wanted to fix it, he would.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would “taking the bait and rewarding her behavior” look like?

Arguing and yelling in response rather than walking away if I had to guess. What else would it be?

I would guess it would be listening to whatever she is upset about, trying to empathize, and taking responsibility for whatever part he had to play.

Or giving her a break, making dinner for her and the kids, and letting her take a walk or go to the gym or do whatever she needs to do.

Why would yelling at someone be a reward?

She denied being upset at anything. You calling OP's wife a liar? That's harsh.

If I am a jerk to my husband when he gets home it’s because:

- he’s late
- he forgot something he said he would do
- he just assumed I would feed the kids/drive them where they need to be
- or some combo/all of the above

But it’s not new. We’ve been married 22 years. I can’t decide if it’s incompetence or just not GAF or both.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would “taking the bait and rewarding her behavior” look like?

Arguing and yelling in response rather than walking away if I had to guess. What else would it be?

I would guess it would be listening to whatever she is upset about, trying to empathize, and taking responsibility for whatever part he had to play.

Or giving her a break, making dinner for her and the kids, and letting her take a walk or go to the gym or do whatever she needs to do.

Why would yelling at someone be a reward?